Looking for Feedback on short introductory chapter

[crimson_hellion]

Hey guys!

First story here, I'm a bit nervous, especially since I'm not actually a native speaker.
I'd like to hear the feedback on my first story. While the narration overall will be about blackmail though there's no particular fetish present in this chapter yet. So hopefully I'll get some feedback from you even if that's not your particular thing.

I pretty much would like to know everything I ask at the end:

https://www.literotica.com/s/teasing-is-a-slippery-slope-ch-01

Thanks a lot for the feedback, I really appreciate it (especially the bad ones)!

 

[Bramblethorn]

A couple of minor but distracting issues: her name keeps switching between "Chloe" and "Zoey", and 12:34 am is in the middle of the night.

Aside from that, it looked like the beginning of an interesting story, but it's very short; you may not get a lot of reader engagement until you've posted a bit more.

 

[crimson_hellion]

Haha, really? I switched names after the first draft and I searched and replaced all instances of "Chloe", but when doing my latest refinements it seemed to have slipped in there again.

I see now that I need someone to look over my chapters before I release them grammar-wise.
As for the length of the story: I realize this is not much to look at by now, I'll release more chapters soon.
This was more of a small pilot to see whether people could understand not only my grammar but also the wiring of my characters and the pace of my story telling.

I have two questions:

1. Can I correct some grammar in my text without having to remove everything first? I'd still like the text and link to be accessible.

2. I can see my rating in my profile, but when I'm on the page of the story itself it just asks me to rate, not showing me the score. It seems kinda stupid to rate on my own story, especially since it warps the result. Anything I can do to see the rating without voting?

 

[ElectricBlue]

1. Can I correct some grammar in my text without having to remove everything first? I'd still like the text and link to be accessible.

2. I can see my rating in my profile, but when I'm on the page of the story itself it just asks me to rate, not showing me the score. It seems kinda stupid to rate on my own story, especially since it warps the result. Anything I can do to see the rating without voting?

1. Prepare your edited text, then submit it with EXACTLY the same story name, and in the Notes box (just above the over eighteen consent check box), write EDITED. Then submit. The site editor (Laurel) will see that it's an edit, and will remove the old text and insert the replacement. Your views, score, comments and faves will not be affected - the new edit keeps the old reader feedback.

Be aware that edited stories are lowest priority, and it might take a week or so to get processed (longer, maybe, if there's a competition running).

2. Correct, you can only see a story's score on your submissions page, and when the story is still on the first page of new stories.

Scoring your own story will only skew a vote by one - if you score once on a given device, the system recognises the device ID, and will show that you've already scored. So if you want to up-score your own story, you'd have to do so from multiple devices or hopping IDs. Hardly worth the effort - but every story deserves at least one x five, right?

 

[crimson_hellion]

Hm, given that I'm away for a week I'll probably give the first three finished chapters to an editor and release them afterwards.

Is it allowed to re-release a story? I just feel that with better grammar, no name changes and no logic knots à midnight instead of midday that story would be much better received.

 

[Dream_Operator]

Is it allowed to re-release a story? I just feel that with better grammar, no name changes and no logic knots à midnight instead of midday that story would be much better received.

Yes, you can replace the chapter with a revised version without taking the first version down.

I've re-edited my story and want to replace the posted version with my new edited one. How do I do this?

No problem! Simply submit the new version as you submitted the old one, only adding the word "EDITED" to the title (ex. "My Sexy Firefighter Ch. 03 - EDITED") so that we know to replace the old text with the new text. We will then replace the original text with the new text. Your story will retain its previous voting score and views.
Edited stories take up to 48 hours to appear correctly on the site as the pages must be regenerated by the site scripts. If after 48 hours your submission edits are still not showing, please email us a link to the work in question.

 

[crimson_hellion]

Yes, you can replace the chapter with a revised version without taking the first version down.

My problem is that the title text box is simply not long enough for "Teasing is a slippery slope - EDITED", it only goes until "-".

I think I might take it down for now and let an editor do its work for the next week while I'm not here.
That job is still free btw. since most of the guys in the editor's forum don't do rel/noncon stories. While my story is "only" reluctance and even tackles with that issue along the line it unfortunately still falls into that same category.

I'll reupload the first three chapters which should give a good impression on the style of this story in relatively quick succession after I'm back the week after next week.

Thanks to everyone who took his time to comment, I very much appreciate it!

On another note: I realized that my own comment in the comment section of my story doesn't show up, why is that? I should be able to comment on my own story and address people, right?
Do comments have to wait for moderator approval, too?

 

[Dream_Operator]

My problem is that the title text box is simply not long enough for "Teasing is a slippery slope - EDITED", it only goes until "-".

The same thing happened to me. Laurel suggested putting a note in the "notes" section saying this was an edited version of that chapter.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I see now that I need someone to look over my chapters before I release them grammar-wise.
As for the length of the story: I realize this is not much to look at by now, I'll release more chapters soon.
This was more of a small pilot to see whether people could understand not only my grammar but also the wiring of my characters and the pace of my story telling.

There were a few minor grammatical issues, and I probably would've guessed that you weren't a native speaker, but it wasn't enough to get in the way of the story. Pacing was fine, as far as it went.

2. I can see my rating in my profile, but when I'm on the page of the story itself it just asks me to rate, not showing me the score. It seems kinda stupid to rate on my own story, especially since it warps the result. Anything I can do to see the rating without voting?

Not directly from the story page, no. Going to your member page and selecting Submissions -> View will show you the latest stats; versions elsewhere aren't updated as often.

 

[ElectricBlue]

My problem is that the title text box is simply not long enough for "Teasing is a slippery slope - EDITED", it only goes until "-".
it!

On another note: I realized that my own comment in the comment section of my story doesn't show up, why is that? I should be able to comment on my own story and address people, right?
Do comments have to wait for moderator approval, too?

You misunderstood - you put EDITED in the Notes box, not the title box. It's lower down the submit page.

You can post comments to your own story, either as anon or as your username. Are you submitting the comment properly? It's a two step process, 'review' then 'submit'. Maybe you are not submitting correctly. Try again, and follow the prompts.

As the story author YOU are the moderator for comments. You can choose to keep comments or delete them - it's completely up to you. You make your own criteria for which comments you keep, which ones you delete. The only 'rules' are your rules. Some writers see it as some kind of badge of honour to keep all comments, good, crap or otherwise. Others delete trolls immediately, to deny them oxygen. The site editor can also remove offensive comments, her criteria is absolute.

 

[crimson_hellion]

You can post comments to your own story, either as anon or as your username. Are you submitting the comment properly? It's a two step process, 'review' then 'submit'. Maybe you are not submitting correctly. Try again, and follow the prompts.

Yay, I finally got it!

As the story author YOU are the moderator for comments. You can choose to keep comments or delete them - it's completely up to you. You make your own criteria for which comments you keep, which ones you delete. The only 'rules' are your rules. Some writers see it as some kind of badge of honour to keep all comments, good, crap or otherwise. Others delete trolls immediately, to deny them oxygen. The site editor can also remove offensive comments, her criteria is absolute.

Aaah, that feeling of power!! My two Anon minions shall live for now, as long as they spread the glory of crimson_hellion like porn does seed on female's and male's faces alike!

Honestly though I'm still fascinated my score is not lower. I mean I have no sex, only one site and it only barely qualifies as BDSM though I put it in that category.
Still, I figured it would be better there than having "non-erotic" into "noncon/rel" which probably would lose about every reader from the first chapter I could possibly have.

 

[JasonClearwater]

Aaah, that feeling of power!! My two Anon minions shall live for now, as long as they spread the glory of crimson_hellion like porn does seed on female's and male's faces alike!

Well now you've got me interested. Especially for a non-native speaker I thought you did a great job. Curious to see where this goes.

J.

 

[robertreams]

non-con turns me ON not off

 

[AwkwardMD]

The big problem for me was that I didn't follow the big plot twist. The main character was getting teased, he got to work, his coworker asked if he could watch his kids for the day, and the protagonist said "You're right! I do need a nanny cam to spy on my roommate in the shower!"

All of your story hinges on this moment. Justify it properly, OR start your story after this.

P.S. I love that your narrator has personality. It was refreshing and well done. I liked your characters. They felt authentic and believable. I liked the basic premise, and if you could sort out how the protagonist goes from sufferer to abuser more clearly you'll be in great shape.

 

[hylas_]

Hey there! I read your story, overall I liked it fine, although to be honest, I'm not sure it hooked me enough to come back for more.

Your language is a bit awkward at times, but it's nothing an editor couldn't fix. It didn't take me out of the story.

Your dialogues don't flow particularly well. I think the main problem is that you tend to do this:

Narration narration narration narration.

Character A: Dialogue dialogue dialogue.

Narration narration narration.

Character B: Dialogue dialogue dialogue?

Narration narration narration.

Character A: Dialogue dialogue dialogue!

Narration narration narration.

It might flow better if you tried something more like:

Narration narration narration narration. Narration narration narration! Narration narration narration narration.

Character A: Dialogue dialogue dialogue.

Character B: Dialogue dialogue dialogue?

Character A: Dialogue dialogue dialogue!

Narration narration narration narration. Narration!

I think Zoey/Chloe is quite well drawn. The protagonist seems a little bland to me, though. I don't particularly care what will happen to him next.

I was annoyed by the Chinese boss and his broken English. If you're going to make fun of somebodys English, your own English better be flawless. Besides, there are better ways to bring colour into your story.

Don't waiters usually get a meal per shift? At least I always did.

My roommate laughed and I felt the urge to go back and slap her. With my dick.

Ok, that made me laugh.

Hope some of what I wrote is helpful. Good luck with your next chapter!

 

[crimson_hellion]

Back after a week with no inet, I'll submit another chapter afterwards.

First of all: Thanks for all your feedback, I'll think about all suggestions and will try to answer them all.

@AwkwardMD: The spy cam in the shower is not a major part of the plot though I must admit I planted it as somewhat of a red herring there.
I rather wanted to show these (sometimes) random association Andrew has whenever he's talking with people. We all have them, but I try to paint my protagonist as a bit of an awkward guy who is just really bad at socializing.
He'll constantly questions all these polite debaucheries people do in his opinion. He has a hard time focusing on stuff.
Most importantly Andrew has a really hard time admitting mistakes and often times denies or blames others for his failures.
We view the world through his lens which brings me to the next point:

@hylas_
I thought that some people may comment on the "political incorrect" stuff, I just wasn't sure whether it would be complaints about Andrew calling Zoey a "bitch" (which she's not, she's awesome) or that Chinese thing. Let's look at that last one:
Personally I do not think you should make fun of anybody about anything, regardless of how good you are at it.
We view this story through Andrew's perspective though and Andrew doesn't like his boss. The fact that he's Chinese is not important here.
He denies his own mistake (being late/looking inproper) and attacks his boss for what something trivial to distract himself.

Andrew is NOT me though he might have certain (exaggerated) traits of me and people I know. He's a character I created.
I think many people (mostly men) have fantasies like the one Andy has going forward. It's just that you cannot act them out unless you have a trusty relationship that's not afraid to roleplay certain scenarios.

About the sentence structure: As mentioned above Andrew gets distracted easily and has all these strange associations inside his head which makes him seem absent sometimes.
I kind of wanted to capture this: Andrew is a slob and if a neutral narrator was narrating the story he would probably mention how Andrew's room is a mess amongst other things Andrew doesn't want to admit. As the narrator we'll only read things Andrew is willing to admit to himself.

I must admit that I have no idea about waitressing. But perhaps Andrew's boss is actually a cheap cheapskate? Perhaps Andrew just doesn't like the food that gets served at this place?
We might learn more as the chapters go on

My next two chapters which should set the full scenario will be released these next days hopefully : )

 

[hylas_]

Hey Hellion! Since you PM'd me about further thoughts... Now that you've explained it, I understand that the protagonist is supposed to be somewhat irritating and scatter-brained. But it didn't read like that to me. Needless to say, that's just how I read it, and others might have gotten your point when I didn't.