Darkromantic1975
Virgin
- Joined
- Jul 12, 2016
- Posts
- 3
I would appreciate some feedback on my stories. Good or bad.
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- Thread starter Darkromantic1975
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ElectricBlue
Joined 11 Years Ago
- Joined
- May 10, 2014
- Posts
- 17,987
ElectricBlue
Joined 11 Years Ago
- Joined
- May 10, 2014
- Posts
- 17,987
Ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh mmmmmmmmmmmmmmyyyyyyyyyyyyyy gggggggoooooooddddddddddd
Don't do that!
Don't do that!
AwkwardMD
Belzebutts
- Joined
- Apr 13, 2014
- Posts
- 2,351
I read Hijabi Maid. Racist. Pretty racist, and also pretty sexist. Probably not on purpose though, so here we go.
First of all, just to be clear, I’m not some kind of raging social justice warrior. I don’t judge anyone else’s hustle and don’t appreciate it when others judge mine. What I care about is good storytelling. Good storytelling requires good characters, and this Hijabi Maid fails miserably at that.
Fatima is a two dimensional character. Literally. a) She’s a woman, so of course she can clean and cook and needs a man to take care of her. b) she’s a Muslim so she had a sheltered upbringing, is sexually naive, and needs a white man to set her straight and be her new Allah (not an exaggeration, for those of you just reading the review).
Her dimensions are just about physically impossible. A 36-32-36 means that her bust is 36 inches and her waist is 32 inches. By making her a double F (really a G), you are stating that her bust is 7 inches wider around than her ribs, making her ribs 29 inches around. These are… cartoonish dimensions. Under normal circumstances, the waist is the smallest dimension. Sometimes, as is the case with pregnancy or obesity, the waist is larger, but you described her as petite. I think you just didn’t care enough about your character to pay attention to any of the details. All that mattered was that she had big tits.
Fatima is ludicrously oversexualized. She needs to cum so bad that the act of giving a man a handie causes her to have an orgasm of such ferocity that milk fires out of her nipples. Now, there are stories that make that kind of lunacy work for them, but this story doesn’t appear to be going the hyper route. It’s just bad.
Harvey is even thinner. He’s a man. He will take care of the woman financially, and can’t stop thinking about how to take advantage of her. That’s literally it. Upon hearing she’s been cast out by her family, his first thought is “She must really need my dick then.” He’s manipulative, absurdly self-centered, and ohbythewayofcoursehehasthebiggestcockshe’severseen. You did everything short of proclaiming her to be his Manifest Destiny.
There’s no plot. The characters do nothing. They don’t go anywhere. They don’t talk to anyone. They have no friends. They have no interests except sexual abuse/gratification (depending on your POV). There’s no tension. Everyone agrees to everything immediately and completely.
Make better characters. Give them motivations. Give them depth. Give them details. Give them things they want besides white cock, even if in the end she ends up with white cock. Right now, this reads like it’s incompetently offensive instead of intentionally offensive.
First of all, just to be clear, I’m not some kind of raging social justice warrior. I don’t judge anyone else’s hustle and don’t appreciate it when others judge mine. What I care about is good storytelling. Good storytelling requires good characters, and this Hijabi Maid fails miserably at that.
Fatima is a two dimensional character. Literally. a) She’s a woman, so of course she can clean and cook and needs a man to take care of her. b) she’s a Muslim so she had a sheltered upbringing, is sexually naive, and needs a white man to set her straight and be her new Allah (not an exaggeration, for those of you just reading the review).
Her dimensions are just about physically impossible. A 36-32-36 means that her bust is 36 inches and her waist is 32 inches. By making her a double F (really a G), you are stating that her bust is 7 inches wider around than her ribs, making her ribs 29 inches around. These are… cartoonish dimensions. Under normal circumstances, the waist is the smallest dimension. Sometimes, as is the case with pregnancy or obesity, the waist is larger, but you described her as petite. I think you just didn’t care enough about your character to pay attention to any of the details. All that mattered was that she had big tits.
Fatima is ludicrously oversexualized. She needs to cum so bad that the act of giving a man a handie causes her to have an orgasm of such ferocity that milk fires out of her nipples. Now, there are stories that make that kind of lunacy work for them, but this story doesn’t appear to be going the hyper route. It’s just bad.
Harvey is even thinner. He’s a man. He will take care of the woman financially, and can’t stop thinking about how to take advantage of her. That’s literally it. Upon hearing she’s been cast out by her family, his first thought is “She must really need my dick then.” He’s manipulative, absurdly self-centered, and ohbythewayofcoursehehasthebiggestcockshe’severseen. You did everything short of proclaiming her to be his Manifest Destiny.
There’s no plot. The characters do nothing. They don’t go anywhere. They don’t talk to anyone. They have no friends. They have no interests except sexual abuse/gratification (depending on your POV). There’s no tension. Everyone agrees to everything immediately and completely.
Make better characters. Give them motivations. Give them depth. Give them details. Give them things they want besides white cock, even if in the end she ends up with white cock. Right now, this reads like it’s incompetently offensive instead of intentionally offensive.
Comentarista82
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 23, 2014
- Posts
- 2,378
Ok, I know me putting pepper into my pancakes was an uber-silly mistake...but that bad?
(lol. Just ribbing you.) Er..what happened?
Darkromantic1975
Virgin
- Joined
- Jul 12, 2016
- Posts
- 3
Thanks for the feedback.
Some funny comments. Any good examples of good sex chat in stories?
Not spent much time on characters. Not sure about balance in these types of stories.
Some funny comments. Any good examples of good sex chat in stories?
Not spent much time on characters. Not sure about balance in these types of stories.
AwkwardMD
Belzebutts
- Joined
- Apr 13, 2014
- Posts
- 2,351
This is just my opinion, but for me, nothing is more important in erotica than the characters. A layered, nuanced character is someone I can/will relate to, and relating to the character is what draws me in. When they make choices I would I see something of myself in them, and THEN I want them to succeed. THEN I want them to get the guy. THEN I want them to have meaningful orgasms.
It is hard to create characters. A lot of people get started in writing by doing fan fiction because so much of the ground work is done for them. The motives and backgrounds are canon, and all you have to do is plug those characters into a setting of your own devising and let them play. That's how a lot of people get their feet wet, and over time you start to put your own spin on those established characters. Eventually, as you become comfortable with the kinds of experiences and meaningful factors that make up a character, you start making more of your own.
OR
Try your hand at shorter stories. Something you can do in a single scene. Explain just enough to get things moving, use your best ideas in condensed format, and then get out. Then, over time, you'll find that your ideas become too complex for a single scene and you'll start expanding your scope that way.
ElectricBlue
Joined 11 Years Ago
- Joined
- May 10, 2014
- Posts
- 17,987
My stories are nothing but the characters. If the lead players at least are not convincing and believable, I don't see how anything else works. But then, I don't know how to write stroke...but my stories do get people off. So maybe I do...
robertreams
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2007
- Posts
- 1,993
Your first sentence has your apartment going to school. The story, "Chubby Hijab. . . ", is filled with run-ons. there are no stops at the end of sentences. Numbers should be spelled out. pronoun references should be clear. Your character's "voice" sounds like a Cuban lounge singer, "I, I, I, I." She sounds like what she is, I think, a man's idea of a woman. She is merely a cunt in holy clothes. Your extreme lack of detail shows that you don't care much whether your writing is good. If you are going to create a Muslim character, do some real research, make us feel it. How does a woman feel that is horny? Does she splash through her clothes just thinking about sex, or does her body have other reactions? Assuming you are male, have you ever made love to a woman?
The sex is weak, about a two on my peter meter. I don't know why you got high ratings on some of your stories, maybe it is a racial thing, I certainly can barely stretch to a three.
Sorry, but this story needs a lot of work, real characters, real emotions, smells, tastes, feelings, and a good editor.
The sex is weak, about a two on my peter meter. I don't know why you got high ratings on some of your stories, maybe it is a racial thing, I certainly can barely stretch to a three.
Sorry, but this story needs a lot of work, real characters, real emotions, smells, tastes, feelings, and a good editor.
