Some romance?

[LaRascasse]

Hi there,

After a while, I've finally published something new. A short little romantic vignette. I'd love to get your thoughts on it.

https://www.literotica.com/s/yuppie-and-bitchface

 

[8letters]

Hi there,

After a while, I've finally published something new. A short little romantic vignette. I'd love to get your thoughts on it.

https://www.literotica.com/s/yuppie-and-bitchface

I like the premise. I liked the back-and-forth dialogue. You've got a very good score on the story.

Now, the dislikes:
* Your story has so many implausibilities/plot holes that it really detracts from the story. Just to pick one, every hotel room I've ever been in has a phone. Landlines in Canada aren't going to be affected by a blizzard.
* There's almost nothing to Theo's character. For his whole life, he always got whatever he wanted even if he wanted it just a little bit. He's a rich CEO who doesn't like his full name. That's it. He's passive in the story as Abby is the one who makes everything happen
* Them arguing over fictional Jet players didn't work for me. I'm only modestly aware of the NFL and it came across as totally fake
* You don't specify ages in the story. The "no girlfriend" question from the bartender implied that Theo is at most last twenties. It's implied that Abby is about his age. That totally doesn't work with Abby starting from nothing and building a huge, successful corporation from scratch. I think the story would have worked better if they both been in their fifties. They've always been able to get whatever they want their whole lives, except for a loving relationship with someone they consider their equal

 

[LaRascasse]

I like the premise. I liked the back-and-forth dialogue. You've got a very good score on the story.

Now, the dislikes:
* Your story has so many implausibilities/plot holes that it really detracts from the story. Just to pick one, every hotel room I've ever been in has a phone. Landlines in Canada aren't going to be affected by a blizzard.
* There's almost nothing to Theo's character. For his whole life, he always got whatever he wanted even if he wanted it just a little bit. He's a rich CEO who doesn't like his full name. That's it. He's passive in the story as Abby is the one who makes everything happen
* Them arguing over fictional Jet players didn't work for me. I'm only modestly aware of the NFL and it came across as totally fake
* You don't specify ages in the story. The "no girlfriend" question from the bartender implied that Theo is at most last twenties. It's implied that Abby is about his age. That totally doesn't work with Abby starting from nothing and building a huge, successful corporation from scratch. I think the story would have worked better if they both been in their fifties. They've always been able to get whatever they want their whole lives, except for a loving relationship with someone they consider their equal

Thanks for the critique. I know the story suffers from a few suspensions of disbelief, but I left them in for the sake of the narrative.

I actually thought of both of them in their mid-late thirties. Note how Abby mentions them being in the forty under forty and Theo being in therapy for two decades starting in his teens. There are a couple of things I implied, but perhaps could do a better job of putting out more clearly.