Can I Have 3 Minutes of Your Time (Honest Opinion)

[PlasticBlonde]

mmm

mmmmmm

 

[LeandraNyx]

Deleted

 

[astuffedshirt_perv]

Did you try reading your writing aloud? Just try reading your first sentence aloud and see if you like it. I'll suspect you won't.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

It's better than a lot of the stories posted on here, that's for sure. I think you've got an excellent grasp of vocabulary and a great narrative voice, but the flow of your sentences is really, really rough. You use commas when you should be using periods, forget commas in other places, and are missing quite a few transition words (e.g. and, but, yet, etc.). It makes it hard to get sucked into the story and forces you to read along at a breakneck pace without being able to pause and appreciate all the fun, sexy little details along the way. Proper punctuation allows readers to "stop and smell the roses," as they say. You should also separate quotes from different characters; when you clump them together in the same paragraph, it's hard to follow who is speaking and when. A volunteer editor could probably help you out quite a bit; you've already got the hard part down--a good story well written--but need to work on your grammar or that good story won't be effectively conveyed.

^All of this is what I wanted to say also. The last sentence I bolded effectively sums it up. With that said, I think it was good storytelling. I would want to read the rest if it was posted. Good job.

 

[kisandra]

Writing!

Hi PlasticBlonde.

I concur with other comments; I think the way forward is to look at grammar and presentation. The problem is, we all have different opinions.

My suggestion is you have a go a micro-editing the work you submitted.

Take the presentation of the opening paragraph:
===
He didn’t know if at that moment his heart had stopped, he wasn’t conscious that he had been breathing, he was aware of nothing in that long moment other than her, he seared the image of her standing there onto the very fibre of his being.
===

I'd like to see it being a bit more readable. (ignoring grammar) Like so:

===
He wasn’t conscious that he had been breathing

He was aware of nothing in that long moment other than her.He didn’t know if at that moment his heart had stopped. He seared the image of her standing there onto the very fibre of his being.
===

As others have said, reading it aloud will give you an indication. The original version, I suspect, would require taking a deep breath to finish!

Then, I would be looking at each sentence and working out what your goal is; what message are you trying to convey? Can you do it with less or different words?

He didn’t know if at that moment his heart had stopped.

could become:

Had his heart stopped beating?

Hi, I've never written erotica before and am just trying to see if I can do it. I've written a few paragraphs just to test the waters. Can you please give it a quick read and let me know your thoughts. Total honesty, i promise i won't get upset. Thanks for stopping by and I look forward to reading your comments and advice:

(Writing sample):

He didn’t know if at that moment his heart had stopped, he wasn’t conscious that he had been breathing, he was aware of nothing in that long moment other than her, he seared the image of her standing there onto the very fibre of his being. He had never seen anyone, anything, so perfect, so beautiful, so sexy that he – as cliché as it sounded – was lost for words.

Annie was little over five foot, pale skin like cold milk and large almond shaped eyes of an arctic blue that sparked as though lit from behind, her retrousse nose with her heart shaped face gave her an elfish look, which her small rose lips only accentuated. Her hair was a closed crop of platinum blonde hair, her natural shade as her nakedness testified. Her arms were long and thin as were her legs and her barely there ass, altogether giving her a boyish figure, but in one regard Annie was as far from boyish as could be, and that, at no little expense was her breasts.

She fidgeted on the threshold of the bedroom, before as Alex gave the slightest of nods she gingerly stepped from the wooden floor to the soft cushion of the carpet. “How do I look?” She asked, her voice sounded young, her words small and her tone insecure. “I have no words.” Alex said matter of factly, surprised he’d been able to reply at all drunk as he was by the image of her. Her face broke into a little small and a dimple rose to the surface of her cheek, she clutched her arm, her hand curled against the soft push of hair between her legs. “That’s a good thing right?” “An amazing thing. You are just too beautiful for me to get where close to putting that into words.” She blushed and grew a little confident she stood ever so slightly straighter and took another step towards the bed. “Shall I join you?” She asked, her insecurity melting into a little trickle of cheeky confidence. “If you do I can’t promise that I’ll be able to ever let you leave.” “Promise?” She asked and took another step. Alex pulled the sheet aside and turned on his side, the pearl silk sheet did little to mask Alex’s thick cock twisted in the sheets. Annie saw it, she bit her lip and subconsciously ran one finger against the tingling lips of her pussy. She took another step.

 

[sr71plt]

That first sentence is just one long run-on sentence. The technical issues just keep on going, as well. The technical mistakes are going to be too intrusive for most.

The lead-in clause is nonsensical--and in a way that's not going to prove important later--so it's not a good opening. If you're conscious, your heart didn't stop. If your heart did stop, you're dead. So, you start just a bit silly.

I think there's too much of an unrelieved description data drop in the second paragraph. There also are enough grammar and punctuation issues by then that I didn't keep reading.

 

[DrDelirium]

There are a few punctuation errors, and as much as possible each time a different person speaks you should start a new paragraph. With mended punctuation I think it would read pretty well. Stylistically, it seems like pretty classic bodice-ripper romance porn ( I know this because I once thought about writing some Harlequins and therefor read some. OMG.) If that's the flavor you're looking for, you're doing great. The dialogue is especially fantastical in that way. If you're going more for Elmore Leonard or Dostoevsky, you probably need to start over.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Agree with the others re grammar and punctuation - tighten it up, get the rhythm and flow right. Challenge every word, do you need it?

The second descriptive section was all too much for me, there was too much picture painting going on. Leave some of this up to the imagination of the readers so they can put their own favourite cute little blonde into the scene, it saves you time and the reader engages quicker in their own mind. I'm writing this a minute or two later, and I would have to go back and read the description again to get a picture of your girl, whereas my cute blondes, I already know what they look like

Your third bit (setting aside the para breaks needed for the dialogue - that's mechanical stuff, important but easily fixed) actually worked better for me, and there were some sweet observational elements that gave me a far better idea of her personality - "a little trickle of cheeky confidence..." That alone told me more about Annie than the entire second section.

You've been brave, putting this little vignette out there for all of us to pull it apart, and I can see your enthusiasm for wanting to try this erotica caper (this and some of your other posts). So be encouraged by what the big bad wolves are saying, and keep writing. Over time you'll find your writing heart and your voice, and your confidence will grow. My advice is to wear your heart on your sleeve - if it's not real to you, it's sure going to be fake for readers. Believe in yourself. All of us here believe in ourselves.

Keep going.

 

[DrDelirium]

Agree with the others re grammar and punctuation - tighten it up, get the rhythm and flow right. Challenge every word, do you need it?

The second descriptive section was all too much for me, there was too much picture painting going on. Leave some of this up to the imagination of the readers so they can put their own favourite cute little blonde into the scene, it saves you time and the reader engages quicker in their own mind. I'm writing this a minute or two later, and I would have to go back and read the description again to get a picture of your girl, whereas my cute blondes, I already know what they look like

Your third bit (setting aside the para breaks needed for the dialogue - that's mechanical stuff, important but easily fixed) actually worked better for me, and there were some sweet observational elements that gave me a far better idea of her personality - "a little trickle of cheeky confidence..." That alone told me more about Annie than the entire second section.

You've been brave, putting this little vignette out there for all of us to pull it apart, and I can see your enthusiasm for wanting to try this erotica caper (this and some of your other posts). So be encouraged by what the big bad wolves are saying, and keep writing. Over time you'll find your writing heart and your voice, and your confidence will grow. My advice is to wear your heart on your sleeve - if it's not real to you, it's sure going to be fake for readers. Believe in yourself. All of us here believe in ourselves.

Keep going.

I think the second section could have been clipped out of any of hundreds of romance novels. That doesn't make it good writing, but it's certainly writing of a kind that a huge audience gobbles with a large spoon. It's possible that the Literotica audience is more sophisticated than that, but (being new here) I haven't seen much evidence of that. I think the chattier Literotica authors are more sophisticated than that, but they may not really be your audience. I have, in times past, been acquainted with some very intelligent, creative, articulate, well-schooled and well-read authors who have written mountains of utter garbage because that is, on the whole, what people buy. My advice would be to clean up the mechanics and tell your story. If you can manage that once, then you can start worrying about the finer points of style. I mean, Fifty Shades of Grey, for fuxxaches.

 

[rutger5]

Like others have said there are technical writing issues so work on those. The best way to do that is to continue writing to get better as well as reading properly written works and boning up on grammar/punctuation.

As far as things like descriptions and the like, that is a matter of opinion. For every reader (or writer) that thinks being vague is the way to go there will be another who wants more details. Its like Goldilocks and the three bears. You have to go with what's right for you not what some expert here thinks. There are right and wrong ways about technical writing issues, as far as what people prefer it is all subjective opinion. People can mock Fifty Shades all they want but it made the writer rich and many people do like it.

And remember to have fun and don't be discouraged. If you like to write then do it and enjoy it. Don't be overwhelmed and remember Rome wasn't built in a day. You have a voice so use it.

 

[my_other_life]

Here's a quick shot at grammar suggestions. The story is good, really sexy. It's just marred by the technical points of writing. The site moderators are making a strong effort to clean up grammar so it's important if you want to be published. My last story was rejected for incorrect quote punctuation and that got past my content editor. The very large "How To" section is a great help, as well as finding a good grammar editor. There seem to be many more of these than content editors.

Keep up the good work, I'm looking forward to seeing how this turns out. I know there's a reply above about this being romance novel quality but I think it's really good.


He didn’t know if at that moment his heart had stopped.

He wasn’t conscious that he had been breathing, only that he was aware of nothing in that long moment other than her. He seared the image of her standing there onto the very fibre of his being. He had never seen anyone, anything, so perfect, so beautiful, so sexy that he – as cliché as it sounded – was at a loss for words.

Annie was little over five foot with pale skin like cold milk and large almond shaped eyes of an arctic blue that sparkled as though lit from behind. Her retrousse nose and heart shaped face gave her an elfish look that her small rose lips only accentuated. Her close-cropped platinum blond hair, clearly her natural shade, along with her long thin limbs and tiny ass gave her a demure, boyish figure. Yet in one regard Annie was as far from boyish as could be, and that, at no little expense, was her breasts.

She fidgeted on the threshold of the bedroom until Alex gave the slightest of nods, inviting her to gingerly step from the wooden floor to the soft cushion of the carpet.

“How do I look?” she asked. Her voice sounded young, her words small and her tone insecure.

“I have no words,” Alex said, surprised he’d been able to reply at all drunk as he was by the image of her.

Her face broke into a little smile with delicate dimples on her cheeks. She clutched her arm, her hand curled against the soft tuft of hair between her legs.

“That’s a good thing right?”

“An amazing thing. You’re just too beautiful for me to get where close to putting that into words.” (I’m not sure what the intent of this quote is – sorry)

She blushed and grew a little confident. She stood ever so slightly straighter and took another step towards the bed.

“Shall I join you?” she asked, her insecurity melting into a little trickle of cheeky confidence.

“If you do I can’t promise that I’ll be able to ever let you leave.”

“Promise?” she asked and took another step.

Alex pulled the sheet aside and turned on his side. The pearl silk sheet did little to mask Alex’s thick cock twisted in the sheets. Annie saw it, she bit her lip and subconsciously ran one finger against the tingling lips of her pussy. She took another step.

 

[clistenovena]

Punctuation rules! And punctuation rules. Follow both.

my_other_life showed you the proper punctuation format. Study the example provided. Bad mechanics ruin what otherwise would be an enjoyable ride.

And another pointed out this gem: “Shall I join you?” she asked, her insecurity melting into a little trickle of cheeky confidence. I am in complete agreement that a brilliantly turned phrase sparks the imagination and invites the reader into a story in ways that a barrage of milk toast vocabulary never will.

You have a good voice. Use it in proper form (well, proper for erotica) and you'll find your way.