Need to talk to Others about Sexless Marriage

[my_other_life]

I'm really new to forums and I can see their benefit whether it's commiserating, giving or getting advice. I feel a lot better knowing that there are others in the same situation I'm in regarding a now sexless marriage. I mean, I'd really like to have sex at some point before I have to take a drug where an erection lasting more than four hours is a hazard (really, does that actually happen? Four hours?).

Marriage, at least in the U.S., is supposed to be the ultimate solution but what happens when there's no sex in the marriage and you can't have sex outside of it? Are there any international members who can talk about attitudes in other countries?

Just from reading the posts here there seem to be a number of options:
- grind through it and be unhappy
- just do without, rest of marriage is OK
- therapy to solve the sexless issue (generally doesn't seem to be working in the posts above)
- divorce
- masturbation and/or porn as a substitute
- Literotica membership as a substitute (two thumbs up on this one)
- affair

It's definitely very healing and helpful to read about everyone's experiences with these different options - this is a great thread.

Being new to these forums I'd better understand what's going on if I could just figure out why everyone wants to send PM's - oh wait, that DOESN'T stand for Prime Minister. Private Message. Got it....someday I hope to not be a Virgin.

 

[oldmiser]

yes our sex life waned to . But after 40 years I suppose it was te be expected. So we tried playing with toys. No ue we just got banned from toys r us lol.

 

[my_other_life]

Ah, wrong kind of toys. I can't even imagine the scene if I tried introducing toys. Has anyone else had any luck and if so, how'd you do it - surprise, discussion ahead of time? I'm thinking that with a spouse that has no interest discussion would result in an absolute no, but surprise might be effective. I can't imagine it'll be worse.

 

[my_other_life]

Sorry, missed Night Stalker 82's post #39 (or 38?). Spicing things up with toys didn't seem to last, although it did appear to work for a little while which is better than nothing.

 

[Slickrick123]

I am in the same boat as well. Before marriage things were great. Sometime shortly after having our son thing went downhill fast. To make things worse, I feel like my sex drive and curiosity of exploring different things has grew.

I figured many other people on here would be on a similar situation.

 

[Wickedglinda]

I would say I was the same after children, lack of sex was my fault I had no sex drive, but now 15 or so years later the drive has flipped. I hit forty and my drive went wild he hit 45 and his hit a new low.

 

[ElliottEden]

...

Just from reading the posts here there seem to be a number of options:

1. - grind through it and be unhappy
2. - just do without, rest of marriage is OK
3. - therapy to solve the sexless issue (generally doesn't seem to be working in the posts above)
4. - divorce
5. - masturbation and/or porn as a substitute
6. - Literotica membership as a substitute (two thumbs up on this one)
7. - affair

...

Using the above list as a guide - borrowed from my_other_life - I'm going to say that for myself at one time or the other all of the above except for numbers 4 & 7.

Interesting that the larger experience does seem to be therapy doesn't work. I smell a case study here if anyone was enterprising enough...

 

[FelicityJohns]

Marriage requires teamwork and compromise on both sides. When one person makes a unilateral decision that they will not be available for sex, it is just as serious as if they decide they will not be available anymore for child-rearing or budgeting or sharing house tasks. That is very different than if they are involuntarily incapacitated from doing one of those things.

He may have to compromise in not getting as much sex as before. She may have to compromise in having to occasionally have sex when she doesn't really want to.

- curl

(edited to add, I am agreeing with Curl here, in case that isn't clear )

Marriage is absolutely, 100% about teamwork and compromise, and I imagine just about anyone on this thread will tell you that. The problem arises when one party ceases to function as a member of that team and refuses to compromise.

I would sell my mother for a little compromise from my teammate. And I really love my mother!

When that other party shuts the door in your face, and essentially sends the message that YOUR needs are null and void... that's when it falls to shit.

Speaking with a friend this evening, and talking about infidelity, and the fact that I am... I have realized that I can move forward with a clear conscience now. My hubs had every opportunity to meet me on his side of the middle. He had first dibs. I was completely his in every way, and completely honest and up front with him and wanted to make it work with him. When he closed that door, it set me free.

I am angered by spouses who deny basic needs and expect us to then hang around like lap dogs just because there's a name on a piece of paper, or a vow in a wedding album that says till death. What I need matters. And if my beloved no longer wants what I have to give, I will find someone who is fulfilled by fulfilling me.

end rant. Happy Friday, y'all

 

[tristantrotsky]

Love You Paintergirl

Reading through everyone's stories in this thread, feeling a little less isolated...

Ill have been married thirty years next month, had maybe a dozen instances of sexual contact in the last seventeen years, and that includes two bjs I had to beg to be allowed to give a year and a half ago...

When I first got a user name here, I thought it was just about the lack of sex. I'd tried talking to husband about it repeatedly, finally telling him:"I have to talk about sex and have sex,even if it's not with you." He said "Okay." And ruled over and went to sleep. It wasn't the answer I expected, and it hurt. A lot.

That was a year and a half ago, and nothing has changed.I have realized that it's not just sex, it's the fact that I get no physical contact whatsoever. He sleeps in his own room (unless the college age kids are home) and doesn't hug or touch or kiss me. He touches the dogs more than he does me.

I can't do thirty more years of this. I think I'd rather actually BE alone and feel isolated than live like this.

And one thing I've realized talking with people here on Lit is that this is way more common than I'd have ever imagined...

Want to touch you now...

 

[gk6h]

right there with you...23 years and the last 3 have been like nothing...If I don't press for it it doesn't happen. I decided not to press for and let her come to me when she wanted too...that was six months ago...

 

[AT69TA]

Married over 30 years. both in our 50's...sexless marriage.....absolutely, we sometimes joke about if we could only stay awake longer we could bang. for the guys, sometimes it's an age thing and "Mr. happy" goes dead or extremely quiet. the "ol boy" needs help as does the wife. more lube is used and toys help. were are best friends and it seems to be working. I think everyone wants "more or everything".
the more I read the more I know it's not me.
good post, lots to learn from

 

[turbocs37]

20+ years and counting. Sex is her way, and only her way. Which is infrequent and uninspired.

I feel you brother. We had a great honeymoon, but after that she just shut down. She's beautiful and built great but that pussy is all dried up. This is a big part of what drove me to becoming a cocksucker. After 8 years of an "uninspired" sex life, I took a walk on the wildside and never turned back. Finishing up our 22nd year, I take it when I can get it (5-7 times a year), but otherwise I'm looking for cocks. Much easier to get what I want that way.

 

[jmarx20102012]

Looks like we all have good company. I dont know what I am doing wrong. I am in good shape and try and go out of my way to treat wife well. Cook dinner probably 5 nights a week and help with kids as much or more than she does. I dont know if I've given up but I am close.

 

[needit700]

We are a couple who have known each other since she was 15 and I was 18.

married for almost 50 years. She has never enjoyed sex and always did it to please me or have children. We did it on the weekends and maybe once a week during the work week. Always been like that! Like a dumbass I was sure I could change her once married. That didn't happen. I love her to death and always have. So I stay with her. Now that she is older she doesn't want to do it at all. I have been masturbating for 50 years with the twice a week sex. But, for the last 10 years only masturbation!. She tells me she is to tired, to old, it hurts etc. So I masturbate when she isn't around because she thinks it's discussing. Like I said I use my hand and watch videos or read stories on here. It's to late for me to start over. So this is my life now. If you are young, you need to discuss this with your partner or get out of the relationship.

 

[Putt88]

Does this sound familiar to many?

Everytime I try to talk to my wife about her low/non-existant sex drive, she replies.... get ready for it... My sex drive is the same as/no different than all of my female friends.

And from what I hear from all my buddies, she may be right!

 

[shadow_anon2u]

A different take than most of you, lol. My husband wants sex, quite often in fact. I don't want sex with him. I've tried telling him what I want & need, he tries once or twice, then it's back to the same old boring as shit, he gets off & goes to sleep routine. I like a side of pain, he says it'll wake our son. So, we have a deal worked out. A bj twice a week, which can be traded for sex, & he leaves me alone the rest of the time. I have my...outside interests. After 20 years, & recent health issues, leaving isn't the best option.

 

[dacoach44]

Welcome to the site

A different take than most of you, lol. My husband wants sex, quite often in fact. I don't want sex with him. I've tried telling him what I want & need, he tries once or twice, then it's back to the same old boring as shit, he gets off & goes to sleep routine. I like a side of pain, he says it'll wake our son. So, we have a deal worked out. A bj twice a week, which can be traded for sex, & he leaves me alone the rest of the time. I have my...outside interests. After 20 years, & recent health issues, leaving isn't the best option.

This is a great place. My dearest fried on this planet I met here; 3.5 years ago. I have been back to NYC x 4 to be with her, and know her family. She has shown me a world I never knew existed. There are so many interesting people here, who know just what you are saying. Every marriage has its problems, and of course you want to save it. Just get to know us.

 

[PretendPretend]

I've been married for more than twenty years and it has always been the same--great marriage other than sex and romance. My wife just isn't into any of that. It's frustrating as hell. The topper is she's gorgeous and sexy as all get out. I've been yelling "help" since day one to no avail. It is was it is. Sigh.

 

[newhere2learn]

Checking in

Back again, happy to chat here or Kik.


4 fucks, a bj and some foreplay... In the last 2-3 years

 

[SilverLady67]

Hello

Hello, there, how are you? I'm in a similar situation

 

[Tallulah82]

I've spoken on other threads etc before about my situation. Sex has become rare in my marriage in the past 4-5 years due to his developing ED. He doesn't believe in taking medicine unless really necessary, though he did take Viagra for a short time when I made a real fuss. This sex in the past few years was fine.

But now, my issue is this:

He ran out of Viagra a year ago. Never got more. Since then, the little sex has worsened in the respect that foreplay no longer exists because as soon as he had a hard-on we have to use it there and then fast. He has to cum within minutes of being hard or else he loses it and it's over anyway. Even worse, once he cums that is it. He shows no sign of wanting to satisfy me any more. Doesn't even ask if I want to cum too. He usually falls asleep while I finish myself off with my vibrator.

I refuse to push him to go and get any more Viagra. I don't want to talk to him about this any more. I have lived with feeling rejected and sexually unwanted for years now (not unloved, I know he loves me). I have bought multiple toys, and done everything I can but nothing has sustained.

I feel sad for the sex life we used to have, it used to be great. Married for almost 20 years, we are quite epitome of good friends living together. Like others on here, leaving is not yet an option.

And so, Lit it is - and my good friends. You keep me sane, and you make me feel desired. How simple it all is really, to just be desired.

 

[SilverLady67]

Living With Ex Husband

Hello, All,

Thanks for posting this great forum topic and for sharing your stories.

I have been living with my ex husband, who is gay, for nearly 20 years.

It's complicated.

He's a complete introvert and would rather be my partner in all ways but sex (although he is occasionally interested in sex, but I stopped being attracted to him years ago. we are the best of friends.

But yeah, it gets very boring in the bedroom!

 

[RacyWilde]

*

I’ve been stalking this thread for a while now and have wanted to say so many things, but I have held my tongue. It’s heartbreaking to see so many people willing to suffer because of the narrow ideas society has on marriage. So, I just thought I’d add to the conversation with my own perspective. I have lived in a marriage where I was the one not wanting to be intimate. It was because I didn’t love him. He loved me, and was willing to live like that forever, but I could not… and so, for the both of us, I divorced him.

It's funny, now I consider myself to be polyamorous... love comes naturally for me - and I let it happen because life is too short to love just one person.

What really needs to happen is a shift in the social structure of marriage. If one partner is not providing the other with what they need then it should be accepted that fulfilment of that need can be obtained from outside the marriage. Letting go, no matter yourself, is real love.

Reading through all the comments, it is clear that it is not just sex people are missing, but intimacy. Intimacy is a human need and right, it’s the next step up from food, safety and shelter. Humans need to intimately connect - it is part of their identity, part of survival. For a partner to deny the other of intimacy, they are essentially denying them a necessity of life.

When people say there is more to a marriage than just sex, they are technically right. In fact, a marriage isn’t about intimacy at all - it is about aligning families, providing protection and security, and having offspring. Romantic love may be reason for selection, but ‘life’ becomes more important very quickly. My beliefs are in line with the philosopher Alan Watts - marriage should provide the stability, security, confidence and freedom to fall in love with others. I think it is a shame that the current social structure of marriage prevents loving other people.

I’ve seen so many relationships where a partner is denied intimacy but yet are not allowed to seek it elsewhere because of the social structure of marriage. This is the blatant use of deprivation, an abuse. What’s worse is society supports deprivation and rebrands it as ‘faithfulness’. I’m afraid that forced fidelity and celibacy is not faithfulness but the use of fear and shame to control.

The idealistic view today of marriage is that it is about love… so why isn’t it? Because it is comes down to fear - choosing the lesser, safer love.
Which love is greater - to keep in captivity or release into the wild? A man dying inside because he has no intimacy from the one he loves but is prepared to serve a life of forced fidelity/celibacy until his physical death/or divorce may seem like love - but is it? A woman who does not desire intimacy but sees the need in the one she loves and grants him the freedom to receive it from others can seem like she has given up her love - but ha she? The first is based on denial, the second, liberty. It takes great strength of character and a higher love to allow your partner to be intimate with others. Releasing your partner's social bonds to you is one of the most scariest things you can do for a relationship, but it is the only way to experience ultimate love… no fear of loss or abandonment because your hearts are entwined beyond social order.

I can truly say that being frigid is a choice. Partners are in their right to to be frigid, of course, but when it comes to intimacy denial, it becomes their power. Too tired, too old, too hot, have a headache, too much to do, it hurts, too stressed… are all valid excuses until they become regular excuses. After a year of this… the person is choosing to be frigid and can not be bothered to do anything about it. It is because they are comfortable - they have the fidelity/celibacy they need from their partner.

So, frigidity is also a habit and a way of life, for example: particularly as women get older social status tends to become more important than sex/intimacy. Holding positions in the community or family feed their ego more than intimacy in the bedroom with the same husband for 20 years. That’s why a woman can bake twenty batches of cookies for a school fair but yet not muster the energy for a Sunday morning quickie.The approval from friends/society gives her a greater reward than approval from her husband, and society perpetuates that. It’s all about priorities.

I’m afraid, the only way things will change is if the frigid partner wants it to. No amount of discussion, action or love on the part of the partner who needs intimacy will be enough, or even appreciated, to change the situation. The change has to come from within the frigid person. I’ve seen people hope for years. They love their partners and have a perfectly good marriage apart from the lack of intimacy and so decide to give up their need, destroying themselves in the process, which inevitable destroys the marriage. It breaks my heart to see it.

Everyone has a unique situation when it come to s sexless marriage. People know their choices and they will usually choose the path with the least pain. Though I always marvel at how the path with the greater pain offers the better outcome. Only the brave few choose this path first. Just always remember, sex* and intimacy is a valid need and a human right - if anyone tells you otherwise they are trying to shame you out of their own fear or ignorance.



*of course, I am meaning consensual sex, just to be clear.

 

[mickyp123]

Eloquently put

 

[rik_steele]

-------

-------