Need to talk to Others about Sexless Marriage

[AverageGary]

......
(changed my mind about posting here)

 

[samisfun]

I've been with my husband for 8 years and married for 3. We have GREAT sex, but we don't have it often and it's so vanilla. I actually get pretty bored with it and his lack of aggressiveness is a MAJOR turn off. There is no variety, if I tell him I like something that's ALL he does. I guess he thinks I want that exact thing every time we have sex with no exception? Can someone help me understand this?

Then after I've already had an orgasm he asks me what I want, and every single time I tell him I don't care, because honestly I don't give a damn, and every time he will say "I don't care, tell me what you want". I hate that... absolutely fucking hate it. It disgusts me... like maybe he'd be a great submissive, but I have to be very dominant at work and throughout my life. I'm not willing to take that to the bedroom and it's killing our sex life.

I've tried to explain that I have submissive fantasies and that I don't mind telling him what I like, but I don't want to tell what to do. Furthermore he will not tell me anything he likes so it's basically a shot in the dark for me.

I've been thinking a lot about cheating, but he really is a great husband and I don't want to ruin that because he's.... I don't even know the word for it. What I've described here doesn't even scratch the surface. It's hard for me to explain in words how I feel, how frustrated I am.

I'm coming off sounding like a total bitch, and maybe I am... any insight would be appreciated.

Hi Caroline - turn on your PMs. I can help

 

[evest12]

Same Boat

hey....no problem...I'm in the same boat, in fact I made my wife go to counseling regarding this..nothing has changed so far, and I have been seeking outside "assistance" ...not popular I know but I have needs and want a sexual relationship...I would enjoy having sex with my wife but she refuses...always happy to talk to anyone who's in this situation...glad to share any knowledge I can...I feel for you dude...you're not alone...

 

[JamesRTickit]

What to do?

I've been with my husband for 8 years and married for 3. We have GREAT sex, but we don't have it often and it's so vanilla. I actually get pretty bored with it and his lack of aggressiveness is a MAJOR turn off. There is no variety, if I tell him I like something that's ALL he does. I guess he thinks I want that exact thing every time we have sex with no exception? Can someone help me understand this?

Then after I've already had an orgasm he asks me what I want, and every single time I tell him I don't care, because honestly I don't give a damn, and every time he will say "I don't care, tell me what you want". I hate that... absolutely fucking hate it. It disgusts me... like maybe he'd be a great submissive, but I have to be very dominant at work and throughout my life. I'm not willing to take that to the bedroom and it's killing our sex life.

I've tried to explain that I have submissive fantasies and that I don't mind telling him what I like, but I don't want to tell what to do. Furthermore he will not tell me anything he likes so it's basically a shot in the dark for me.

I've been thinking a lot about cheating, but he really is a great husband and I don't want to ruin that because he's.... I don't even know the word for it. What I've described here doesn't even scratch the surface. It's hard for me to explain in words how I feel, how frustrated I am.

I'm coming off sounding like a total bitch, and maybe I am... any insight would be appreciated.

Your experience is different from the others in this thread.
The first option is porn.
Find some Dom/ sub stuff you like watching and see if he will sit and watch with you.
It sounds to me that your husband doesn't have the experience or knowledge and is floundering.
Talk to him, show him videos of what you would like.
You need to get him thinking and learning.

 

[Todger65]

I've been with my husband for 8 years and married for 3. We have GREAT sex, but we don't have it often and it's so vanilla. I actually get pretty bored with it and his lack of aggressiveness is a MAJOR turn off. There is no variety, if I tell him I like something that's ALL he does. I guess he thinks I want that exact thing every time we have sex with no exception? Can someone help me understand this?

Then after I've already had an orgasm he asks me what I want, and every single time I tell him I don't care, because honestly I don't give a damn, and every time he will say "I don't care, tell me what you want". I hate that... absolutely fucking hate it. It disgusts me... like maybe he'd be a great submissive, but I have to be very dominant at work and throughout my life. I'm not willing to take that to the bedroom and it's killing our sex life.

I've tried to explain that I have submissive fantasies and that I don't mind telling him what I like, but I don't want to tell what to do. Furthermore he will not tell me anything he likes so it's basically a shot in the dark for me.

I've been thinking a lot about cheating, but he really is a great husband and I don't want to ruin that because he's.... I don't even know the word for it. What I've described here doesn't even scratch the surface. It's hard for me to explain in words how I feel, how frustrated I am.

I'm coming off sounding like a total bitch, and maybe I am... any insight would be appreciated.

Caroline, turn on your PM's and we can chat in private about this. I have been in a sexless marriage for more years than I can remember.

* To switch on your Private Messages, go to User CP (top left of this page), click on Edit Options (in the left hand column), and then tick Enable Private Messaging in the second box down. Make sure that the box titled Receive Private Messages only from Buddies and Moderators is NOT ticked. Finally, click Save Changes at the bottom of that page.

 

[pfflyerhot]

And, to...

FJ and Tallulah... a belated acknowledgement of your comments.

Gee... It's a year later, and I've made no progress... I'm about to start up the three year mark in few months... three years, body to myself... no sex, but then I'm sleeping alone, too. There ain't no husband or wife, bf or gf snoozing next to me in my bed at night...
In fact, I've been the only one in there in the last almost three years. Damn, though... it's beautiful where I live.
I certainly get the intimacy, skin on skin thing... or lack thereof. I'm no good at casual, either... so there's another issue.

I hope y'all have experienced some improvements in your respective situations... I suppose my outlook is more realistic now.

Mine is the opposite scenario than most here, but, in my case, it's all me. It's my load, my undoing, my doing... whatever it is... it's me me me. There's no one else I can deflect off at, or to. I can't argue with anyone but me... and, I even do, sometimes. I really wanna be sick of me, but ... I actually kinda like me. So, that's out. Proof that I can agree to disagree with myself and still like me.
Perhaps we all just need the love of an all night soft caress, or re-occurring warm embrace... the chance to cafuné ...with a human being of our comfort, to feel again the nourishment that is encompassed therein. Certainly what I need, anyway.
Happy New Year, everyone! Wishing you well.

 

[MrGoatee]

Wife has been ill which is a hard thing to deal with. However now she has recovered she has totally gone off sex. Nothing I try helps and it's driving me crazy. My sex drive is high and Mrs palm doesn't cut it. A friend with benefits would be ideal. Here's hoping!

 

[WisBlueEyes]

What ever happened to Sickness and health. Stand by your spouse and support her.

 

[curl4ever]

What ever happened to Sickness and health. Stand by your spouse and support her.

MrGoatee specifically stated that she has recovered from the illness, but will not restart sex.

He did stand by her. Now she needs to work on her emotional rehab so she can stand by her spouse and support him.

- curl

 

[WisBlueEyes]

She might not be healthy on the inside.I am not a doctor. It takes 2 and you give support both ways. Most relations do not support the same energy 5-10-20 years. They all slip or change as we get older.
My relationship was 38 years. last 8-9 years was a down turn do to health.
We had our up and downs and I look back as we supported each other in different ways.Not always the sex way. Men have more than one head and should think outside the box. I don't mean her box.

 

[curl4ever]

She might not be healthy on the inside.I am not a doctor. It takes 2 and you give support both ways. Most relations do not support the same energy 5-10-20 years. They all slip or change as we get older.
My relationship was 38 years. last 8-9 years was a down turn do to health.
We had our up and downs and I look back as we supported each other in different ways.Not always the sex way. Men have more than one head and should think outside the box. I don't mean her box.

Marriage requires teamwork and compromise on both sides. When one person makes a unilateral decision that they will not be available for sex, it is just as serious as if they decide they will not be available anymore for child-rearing or budgeting or sharing house tasks. That is very different than if they are involuntarily incapacitated from doing one of those things.

He may have to compromise in not getting as much sex as before. She may have to compromise in having to occasionally have sex when she doesn't really want to.

- curl

 

[ERoleplayer]

Everyone has a different situation.
Do not lecture anyone on what you have not experienced.
Health issues causes many sexual disconnections.
Let's be fair about this !

 

[AverageGary]

Everyone has a different situation.
Do not lecture anyone on what you have not experienced.
Health issues causes many sexual disconnections.
Let's be fair about this !

Health issues can be a major cause of those disconnections.
A spouse can have back or leg issues that makes sex painful for them. Or sinus issues that cause crippling headaches.
How you deal with those issues is the key to the marriage surviving. You don't simply physically cheat on an ailing spouse because you want real-life sex.
If the spouse accuses you of having a one-track mind because you try turning most situations into a sexual one (like requesting a shower together that includes a handjob, trying to turn a foot massage into a footjob/toejob, copping a feel of tit or ass during a back massage, etc.) you find ways to deal with the situation. You just don't throw the marriage away over some differences like this.

 

[fatlab]

Valid points here, if it were only this simple. And I agree, love and intimacy are extremely important and people need them to be happy and healthy.

However, there are reasons to stay beyond just two people in a relationship. Family and young children are why I've stayed in my sexless marriage. I've been married 25 years, the first 15 years were good and after that, my husband and I started losing interest in each other. I'm staying to raise our kids together. I know they need us both for many reasons and my husband is a good father. My youngest daughter is leaving for college next year. Soon after, I hope to end my marriage as civil as possible, giving both of us a second chance at love and intimacy. Until then, I'm here for what I think is a good reason to stay, even though my immediate needs are not being fulfilled.

The worse thing a parent can do for their children is to allow them to be exposed to an unhealthy unlovingrelationship
I always believed the greatest gift a man can give his son is the gift of leading by example and loving and respecting his wife
Children learn affection and love and relationship manners through the family. When they see the love and passion between adults and siblings they learn how to respect and express these feelings themselves. I've known so many people who waited for their children to supposedly "grow up". Before separating and the first thing the children said was I don't know what took you so long
I know many of amazing parents that don't live under the same roof
And some that do and they are horrible parents.
For all you staying in loveless relationships. Your hurting everyone.

 

[fatlab]

Everyone has a different situation.
Do not lecture anyone on what you have not experienced.
Health issues causes many sexual disconnections.
Let's be fair about this !

I don't think most of the situations here are about medical problems. The feelings being expressed are more emotional

 

[Spartygrl13]

The worse thing a parent can do for their children is to allow them to be exposed to an unhealthy unlovingrelationship
I always believed the greatest gift a man can give his son is the gift of leading by example and loving and respecting his wife
Children learn affection and love and relationship manners through the family. When they see the love and passion between adults and siblings they learn how to respect and express these feelings themselves. I've known so many people who waited for their children to supposedly "grow up". Before separating and the first thing the children said was I don't know what took you so long
I know many of amazing parents that don't live under the same roof
And some that do and they are horrible parents.
For all you staying in loveless relationships. Your hurting everyone.

Great Way to describe. My parents weren't happy and I knew it. I saw my friends parents very happy. Mine would fight and I would escape to my high school boyfriends house where they loved each other. I felt so much love in that home.

My toddler is 4 and very loved. His dad isn't that involved but he is given so much love by me. I'd do anything for that little boy.

Staying wasn't going to be good for me. I see
Now I was pretty depressed. Living away from him is much better. I hope in time he spends more time with his father. Sons do need their fathers.

 

[newhere2learn]

Wife has been ill which is a hard thing to deal with. However now she has recovered she has totally gone off sex. Nothing I try helps and it's driving me crazy. My sex drive is high and Mrs palm doesn't cut it. A friend with benefits would be ideal. Here's hoping!

This I can relate to.

Prior to her sickness my wife was insatiable. Now by 8:30pm she's asleep, and sex is 4 times a year if we're lucky.

 

[Sugarwolf]

not married. but 21 year LTR. woman was tore up back in '07 and she really tried to keep up or at least keep me satisfied. as i work, do all the house chores and maintenance, cook, shop, take care of pets, schedule and drive her to her doc appts, etc...i still felt good with the deal. last 4 years she has quit trying...incl with herself. sex was the first to die out, then personal hygiene, lead into skipping doc appts. told me to get a mistress but make sure that we are still a couple. banging my head against the wall .. heh. finding someone for sex much less much less an evening out nsa just so i can enjoy a day out with someone besides my own company is like finding a unicorn at the end of a rainbow standing on a pot of gold holding a winning lottery ticket - um, yep, somethin like that

Wolf

 

[Ridhyun]

I guess I'll step in here as the only woman except Ice Princess so far. I've been in a sexless marriage for 12 years, but I'm finally done and getting out. Divorce should be final by early March. It's not the only reason I'm finally leaving, but it's something I realize I should have done years ago.

All I can say is that when you've had enough, then do what's best for you. You are not responsible for anyone's happiness other than your own. It took me a long time to realize this and now, it's time to find what makes me happy.

Happy New Year

Hey Miss Kentucky I m Male 38 from India and experiencing same trouble in my marriage for a few years now and have no clue to sort dis out...be in loop..

 

[Ridhyun]

Caroline, turn on your PM's and we can chat in private about this. I have been in a sexless le tips n discmarriage for more years than I can remember.

* To switch on your Private Messages, go to User CP (top left of this page), click on Edit Options (in the left hand column), and then tick Enable Private Messaging in the second box down. Make sure that the box titled Receive Private Messages only from Buddies and Moderators is NOT ticked. Finally, click Save Changes at the bottom of that page.

I have been in a sexless marriage for 4 yrs and am struggling to deal with dis..pm me ,maybe we can share some valuable tips n discussion to deal

 

[Ridhyun]

looking for NSA or FWB

I m male of 38 From India .This has been such a nightmare to face situation of dis magnitude in marriage where I m extremely kinky and like sex in detail,foreplays and cunnilingus and believe so much in giving to my partner but my spouse is so dry n inhibitive in dis...Don't know how many years I have to suffer in dis way..can't separate for some yrs due to tender age of kids.Ladies dealing with dry inhibitive partners please respond .......

 

[unme430]

if sexual incompatibilities are the only issue, that is not, IMO, reason enough to ditch a partnership.

I ended my marriage for several reasons, sexual incompatibility being one of them. However, in my case, that withdrawal of intimacy was a product of other, deeper problems we could not overcome.

I would advise making sure that all other areas of your marriage are healthy first. Then examine the sex life. No need throwing the baby out with the bath water, so to speak.

You may find out there are other underlying causes to your differing sexual appetites. Work on those first. When you're both 80, you aren't going to care if she likes certain types of sex or needs it twice a day. You're going to want the bond that developed for other reasons.

Sex is great, healing, bonding, but it's only one piece of the puzzle required to sustain a partnership such as marriage.

I hope this helps a little.
I know it's difficult.

This is something I've been struggling with for a while. I have no interest in ditching a 32 year marriage, with three daughters and three grand kids. But the total lack of intimacy, desire, and passion is tough to deal with. You are right, at 80, all that matters is if you have someone to share happy thoughts with, but waking up with "warm and fuzzy thoughts" in my head (both of them!) and nowhere to go with them is brutal. I'm in for the long haul, but boy even a hand job not given my myself would be nice every once in a while!

 

[AJ64CB]

This is all so SAD !

I can relate to everybody posting here, surely there ought to be an easy answer, but then again relationships are complex and multi layered and it seems painfully clear that many of use fail to find the 'ideal' partner. I think we are typically carried away by naive enthusiasm and miss the warning signs, or we think the potential problems will 'fix themselves' later. But they don't.

Intro: I am an 'old' Brit, stranded in Thailand, stuck in a dead marriage who turned to Literotica for some 'stimulation'. Before you make assumptions I did not marry a BarGirl or somebody half my age, my wife is almost my age and I LOVE her, even now; but being ignored is killing me! ;(

I was 'made aware' of sex by a slightly older cousin when I was 6; not his fault, the same thing had happened to him, it is a cycle that is hard to break. So here I am almost 60 years later, still wanting the intimacy and release, those indescribeable sensations we all cherish. But for a whole catalogue of reasons I am effectively celibate and miserable! POOR ME !

So what is to be done? Finding a 'bit on the side' is possible, but ultimately destructive for any marriage, I think. Divorce is painful for everybody, especially if there are children, but what is worse is that many of us make the same basic mistakes again, sometimes again and again. I know I did, this is my second attempt, the first lasted 20 years, as has this so far ...

So anybody who wants to chat, swap stories or contribute then feel free. I very sincerely hope you all find a non destructive solution so that you can regain your happiness. Meanwhile I shall go back to the lurid stories and pretend it is really ME gettting all the attention!

 

[Sugarwolf]

AJ - yeah, it is a bummer to hear this many stories here, then again, this is where/why this thread is here. sometimes its just cathartic to let one's story fall into space here. i wish the best for everyone i've seen here, there arent any easy answers or quick painless solutions...or if there are, can someone share??

the small things aside, i know many marriages/relationships that are awesome. once upon a time that was mine. we were so much the ideal that i remember the first public disagreement/difference of opinion we had - NOT a shouting argument - and our friends all freaked out and desperately tried to get us to make up etc.. we had no idea what the hell was up and were completely puzzled till we asked about the fuss. they were 'omg, for years we never seen y'all argue or nothing, you cant fight ever again. you huys are what we hope to have.' totally flummoxed us heheh. had to let em know we argue all the time, we just respect each other and at the end, just love each other.

then life hits and here we are (shrug) - time rolls on

 

[Kat900]

Cancer spoils sex

My wife's breast cancer remains in her lymph system. Estrogen suppression blocks tumors from emerging but kill her libido and cause extreme vagina dryness so it's been a 13 year dry spell. Everything else is good, comfortable retirement and otherwise healthy. I wrote some stories that were read by a lot of viewers which help with my anxiety and masturbate to porn but crave physical interaction with someone. That's scary because it would threaten the security and comfort of our relationship. We talk about sex but when I try to initiate it she rejects the notion so I've quit trying.