Purple Prose, how do you know

[CoffeeWithMonkeys]

if you are guilty of purple prose? Is there like a fine line to follow?

I'm reworking an older story of mine that my best friend always loved, but reading back over some of it and I'm like, WOW, this is a little over the top!
Here's an example.
"Hey, it's me. Calm down. It's me. Eddie," he says.
I look at him. It is him. I fall into his arms. He holds me so tight. He holds me for a minute, then he lets go. He holds my head in his hands. He looks right at me.
"Are you ok?" he asks.
"Yeah," I say quietly. Barely a whisper.
"Yeah," he replies in the same quiet whisper.
We kiss. Hard and fast. Hungrily. Then he stops suddenly. I lean closer to him. I want his lips back on mine. He moves a little closer to me. Our lips just out of reach of each other. I can feel his breath on my mouth. His lips barely brush against mine.
His hands move down to my hips. He grabs them and pulls me to him. I can feel him. So hard. I grind against him.
He lifts his head so he's by my ear now. Breathing in it. I tremble with chills. I reach up and push his hood down. I nuzzle closer to his neck, in his hair. I can smell him better now than I did yesterday. I inhale as deep as I can. His musky scent fills my nose. I push his hair back out of his face. Run my fingers through his hair. Through that mess of curls. His hair is so soft, I rub a lock of it against my cheek.
I feel his hands reach under my tee shirt. Then they're on my breasts. He squeezes my nipples between his thumb and finger.
I hear a noise. A slight whimper maybe. It scares me at first, then I realize it was me.
"You better go back to the house. They'll be looking for you," he whispers in a raspy breathless voice.
I shake my head. "I don't want to."
He pulls away from me a little. His hands move from inside of my shirt. He cups my cheek in one hand, runs his thumb across my lips. "You need to. Your brother will be worried. They'll all come looking."
I nod my head. I kiss his thumb.
We let go of each other. I look at him.
"I better go. Are you coming?" I ask him.
He nods his head. "Will it look weird if we go there together?"
"No. I told them I was going to check on you. So you decided to join us, nothing weird" I say.

I don't know if I want to stick it back into the dark void I had left it in, or dive right in and make it work.
I think it could be a good story, if I could just make it work, but then I come across scenes like this and well...I just don't know.

It was my first sort of horror story I wrote and I LOVE horror stories so I would love to make it work.

 

[NOIRTRASH]

mY IDEA OF TOO MUCH


How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

 

[NOIRTRASH]

I prefer simple, like this: She looks nothing like the ad, but has every drop of the flavor and aroma I love.

 

[TheOldWidow]

Noirtrash;

Should we send our stories to you for re-writes? You would certainly shorten them.

 

[CoffeeWithMonkeys]

NOIRTRASH, Me too! Short and to the point for me usually.
But then I read your first post and that's me with how I feel about my crushes. hehehe They turn me into a purple prose spewing monster!

 

[Desiremakesmeweak]

"She dropped her panties, and yes - cunt."

 

[NOIRTRASH]

NOIRTRASH, Me too! Short and to the point for me usually.
But then I read your first post and that's me with how I feel about my crushes. hehehe They turn me into a purple prose spewing monster!

On the other hand, let's say one scene is a brief, initial collision of two lovers...imagine a real auto fender bender in a parking lot. And follow it with a longer contemplation of the new love. Some obsession may work well after the quickie. Obsession may be useful at times.

 

[sr71plt]

What you're discussing in the OP is verbosity--wordiness--not purple prose. Purple prose is description drowned in flowery language and images to the point of losing the reader on the advance of the plot. The language of the example is far too simple to be called purple prose.

(You also, by the way, have posted more than the forum rules permit.)

 

[holliday1960]

What you're discussing in the OP is verbosity--wordiness

(You also, by the way, have posted more than the forum rules permit.)

Sir Pilot, please explain 'more than forum rules permit'. I guess some of us newer to the boards don't realize there are limits? Does this apply to quotations only? Or overall length of posts? Thanks in advance!

Disregard please. I found it in the rules! Thank you for pointing it out.

 

[sr71plt]

Sir Pilot, please explain 'more than forum rules permit'. I guess some of us newer to the boards don't realize there are limits? Does this apply to quotations only? Or overall length of posts? Thanks in advance!

Disregard please. I found it in the rules! Thank you for pointing it out.

It's given as three paragraphs of story material. As dialogue is short in paragraphs, I assume a few more paragraphs would be fine.

 

[CoffeeWithMonkeys]

What you're discussing in the OP is verbosity--wordiness--not purple prose. Purple prose is description drowned in flowery language and images to the point of losing the reader on the advance of the plot. The language of the example is far to simple to be called purple prose.

(You also, by the way, have posted more than the forum rules permit.)

I thought some of it seemed flowery, just a bit over the top. To me at least. Well more so than what I usually write, or how I usually write.

And poo, I better edit!

 

[SimonDoom]

I agree with the previous comment that your prose isn't purple at all. The word choice and sentence structure are simple. That's usually a good thing. In the case of this passage, I actually think making it a bit more purple -- making the sentence structure a little more complicated and varied, and adding some metaphors and similes -- might improve it.

The most famous example of purple prose probably is the first sentence of Edward Bulwer-Lytton's novel Paul Clifford, which was made famous by Snoopy:

"It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents—except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness."

Now, that's purple.

 

[Handley_Page]

I agree with the previous comment that your prose isn't purple at all. The word choice and sentence structure are simple. That's usually a good thing. In the case of this passage, I actually think making it a bit more purple -- making the sentence structure a little more complicated and varied, and adding some metaphors and similes -- might improve it.

The most famous example of purple prose probably is the first sentence of Edward Bulwer-Lytton's novel Paul Clifford, which was made famous by Snoopy:

"It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents—except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness."

Now, that's purple.

I'm not keen on the "present tense" style. I prefer a narrator telling the story, but that's a personal thing.

I always wonder what was really meant by "purple prose." Thanks for the enlightenment.
Where does that 'dark and stormy night' bit come from? I love it!

 

[Hypoxia]

Where does that 'dark and stormy night' bit come from? I love it!

Umm, the source was cited in the post you quoted: "Edward Bulwer-Lytton's novel Paul Clifford". Bulwer-Lytton also wrote The Last Days Of Pompeii, coined many memorable phrases, and inspired a writing contest for the worst possible first sentence in a novel. My favorite contest entry is:

"There's more than one way to skin a cat", she mused, as she pinned its little paws to the dissection table.

 

[CoffeeWithMonkeys]

Umm, the source was cited in the post you quoted: "Edward Bulwer-Lytton's novel Paul Clifford". Bulwer-Lytton also wrote The Last Days Of Pompeii, coined many memorable phrases, and inspired a writing contest for the worst possible first sentence in a novel. My favorite contest entry is:

"There's more than one way to skin a cat", she mused, as she pinned its little paws to the dissection table.

https://youtu.be/E_8NixKjSv4

Who the fuck is out skinning cats!!!!!

 

[Handley_Page]

https://youtu.be/E_8NixKjSv4

Who the fuck is out skinning cats!!!!!

How depressing.

Which puts me in mind of an old song about a mule-skinner.
WTF was that ?

 

[NOIRTRASH]

http://thewritepractice.com/purple-prose/

 

[CoffeeWithMonkeys]

http://thewritepractice.com/purple-prose/

Oh THANKS!