The "Fuck you cancer!" thread

[GoAztecs]

Such great news. I am very happy for you GoAztecs....

Thank you

 

[Apple_of_Eden]

I'm taking a moment to say Merry Christmas to all who post on this thread. I can't thank you enough for all of the valuable and selfless sharing you have given me and each other.

I wish the best Christmas possible to each of you and I send my positive thoughts, love, and prayers to you.

Peace and Love,
Apple

 

[LWulf]

I have to say,

I recently lost a loved one to cancer. I never felt like posting in this thread when I found out they had it. I stayed with them until the very end. After which, I still don't feel like saying "fuck you cancer"

I don't get the point. I can't empower something that doesn't have intelligence. As a dominant personality, I likewise can't empower it.

Death can't be haggled with, or reasoned with. In this regard, we are all death's bitches. So, the only thing to do is live with it, or die. Anything else is just foolishly and pointlessly wasting energy.

Just sayin'

edit: I'm not maudlin, I;m not looking for "well wishers" I just don't get the point of this thread.

 

[Shankara20]

Coming upon my one-year after surgery PSA...

Some foreboding has presenting itself - for no logical reason....

 

[scotluvsoral]

Coming upon my one-year after surgery PSA...

Some foreboding has presenting itself - for no logical reason....

Hang in there Shank...I remember my first year colonoscopy after the cancer was removed. I was nervous as hell, but the results were fine! I think it is pretty natural to be nervous

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

Coming upon my one-year after surgery PSA...

Some foreboding has presenting itself - for no logical reason....

It's because you have such a big heart, and extra feelings
Now stop worrying! That's an order. It does no good whatsoever.
Not to mention, of course, that you are fine

 

[cookiecat]

I have to say,

I recently lost a loved one to cancer. I never felt like posting in this thread when I found out they had it. I stayed with them until the very end. After which, I still don't feel like saying "fuck you cancer"

I don't get the point. I can't empower something that doesn't have intelligence. As a dominant personality, I likewise can't empower it.

Death can't be haggled with, or reasoned with. In this regard, we are all death's bitches. So, the only thing to do is live with it, or die. Anything else is just foolishly and pointlessly wasting energy.

Just sayin'

edit: I'm not maudlin, I;m not looking for "well wishers" I just don't get the point of this thread.

Support. I take all the support I can get. I'm not looking for well wishes, that's moot. Sharing with others who understand the feelings is helpful.

 

[cookiecat]

Coming upon my one-year after surgery PSA...

Some foreboding has presenting itself - for no logical reason....

Seems logical to feel that way....

 

[Apple_of_Eden]

Support. I take all the support I can get. I'm not looking for well wishes, that's moot. Sharing with others who understand the feelings is helpful.

Ditto what cookie said...and the fact that you have a freedom to say some of the things here that you can't or don't say to those in your life that have no idea about the feelings you have about the toll cancer has taken on your loved one or you. Also, sharing your feelings and thoughts about the changes (physical, mental, emotional, social, etc) that have impacted your life, the impending loss that will break your heart, or any of the thousand other things that occur.

More than anything it is the sharing and the support. I thank everyone who was and remains there for me during my times of need.

 

[GoAztecs]

Coming upon my one-year after surgery PSA...

Some foreboding has presenting itself - for no logical reason....

Keep positive though, it does go a long way

 

[Vorpalone]

They

They tell him they are very sorry. He's going to die, nothing they can do. They want him to do chemotherapy as Palliative care and maybe extend his life a few months.

He gets his will together so he can leave the accumulation of a life spent working to his daughter and granddaughter.

He feels comfort knowing they will have a house that's paid for and not have to struggle as he did to make ends meet.

They send him to a specialist to surgically put in the chemo port. Then they sent him to the cancer center oncologist and he listens to the doctor tell him he needs to keep his white blood cell count up. He needs this shot called Neulasta they say. Don't worry they say, they will take good care of him. So he gets the shot does the office round of chemo and goes home with a second home bag of chemo that automatically dispenses into his blood. They affix a "automatic shot" to give him more of the Neulasta for the white blood cell count.

He's fighting as best he can. He enjoys Christmas with his daughter and granddaughter. He wakes up feeling ok considering and goes outside, he sees the mailman and says hi as he grabs his mail from the box.

They have sent him a letter. He opens and reads it. Your claim for Neulasta has been denied. They tell him it's not covered. It's $7000 dollars per shot. He read on learning he has thirty days to appeal from the date on the letter. Eleven have past while it made its way to him through the holiday mail. Sixteen shots over the last month counting the automatic ones. He does the math. $112,000. Crestfallen.

He stares back at the house wondering if his daughter will be able to keep it or if Florida Blue will wipe out his legacy. He feels sickened with this new knowledge. Sixteen shots have wiped his peace of mind away.

Tomorrow he is to go back for more chemo. Stunned. The pancreatic cancer turns out not to be the most malignant thing he must deal with in the morning. He goes inside, let's the mail fall into a pile on the counter and retreats to his bed. His last words we hear from the living room being "They lied".

 

[cookiecat]

Oh Vorpalone, no words. What an outrage and a heartache.

 

[Apple_of_Eden]

They tell him they are very sorry. He's going to die, nothing they can do. They want him to do chemotherapy as Palliative care and maybe extend his life a few months.

He gets his will together so he can leave the accumulation of a life spent working to his daughter and granddaughter.

He feels comfort knowing they will have a house that's paid for and not have to struggle as he did to make ends meet.

They send him to a specialist to surgically put in the chemo port. Then they sent him to the cancer center oncologist and he listens to the doctor tell him he needs to keep his white blood cell count up. He needs this shot called Neulasta they say. Don't worry they say, they will take good care of him. So he gets the shot does the office round of chemo and goes home with a second home bag of chemo that automatically dispenses into his blood. They affix a "automatic shot" to give him more of the Neulasta for the white blood cell count.

He's fighting as best he can. He enjoys Christmas with his daughter and granddaughter. He wakes up feeling ok considering and goes outside, he sees the mailman and says hi as he grabs his mail from the box.

They have sent him a letter. He opens and reads it. Your claim for Neulasta has been denied. They tell him it's not covered. It's $7000 dollars per shot. He read on learning he has thirty days to appeal from the date on the letter. Eleven have past while it made its way to him through the holiday mail. Sixteen shots over the last month counting the automatic ones. He does the math. $112,000. Crestfallen.

He stares back at the house wondering if his daughter will be able to keep it or if Florida Blue will wipe out his legacy. He feels sickened with this new knowledge. Sixteen shots have wiped his peace of mind away.

Tomorrow he is to go back for more chemo. Stunned. The pancreatic cancer turns out not to be the most malignant thing he must deal with in the morning. He goes inside, let's the mail fall into a pile on the counter and retreats to his bed. His last words we hear from the living room being "They lied".

First, I'm sorry cancer has struck you in some way (directly or indirectly). Second, appeal the insurance carrier. Also, contact the oncologist office and ask to speak with the social worker or the person in the office that assists with finding funding for medications. Almost all oncologist's offices have that service. If not, call the drug company's patient assist line and see if there is any help available.

Lastly, I won't say don't, but I wouldn't pay any of the bills. I doubt anyone has ever had their house taken because they couldn't pay medical bills...it doesn't look good for healthcare or pharmaceutical companies. They avoid bad press at all costs. Also, there are certain medications that can not be stopped once started, even if a patient can't pay. I forget the term for these meds, but it's true. I know first hand.

Google for support agencies specific to pancreatic cancer...they exist and if it is a particular pancreatic cancer, google that. I've just dealt with similar situations, multiple times. If you need more info or would care for more info, let me know.

 

[cascadiabound]

First, I'm sorry cancer has struck you in some way (directly or indirectly). Second, appeal the insurance carrier. Also, contact the oncologist office and ask to speak with the social worker or the person in the office that assists with finding funding for medications. Almost all oncologist's offices have that service. If not, call the drug company's patient assist line and see if there is any help available.

Lastly, I won't say don't, but I wouldn't pay any of the bills. I doubt anyone has ever had their house taken because they couldn't pay medical bills...it doesn't look good for healthcare or pharmaceutical companies. They avoid bad press at all costs. Also, there are certain medications that can not be stopped once started, even if a patient can't pay. I forget the term for these meds, but it's true. I know first hand.

Google for support agencies specific to pancreatic cancer...they exist and if it is a particular pancreatic cancer, google that. I've just dealt with similar situations, multiple times. If you need more info or would care for more info, let me know.

I was getting ready to write almost exactly this... So just know I am adding my voice to Apple's. Please take her advice. This is not the end of the story.
~c

 

[midwestyankee]

Coming upon my one-year after surgery PSA...

Some foreboding has presenting itself - for no logical reason....

Shank, I get this too, and I'm coming up on my third round of annual post-op testing, This is a very common thing and in the online cancer forums I've visited, it's called scanxiety. It probably won't go away, though I think mine is a little less powerful this year. I'm sorry you're now in its grip. It sucks and the only fix is getting through to the day you get the results from the last test.

I'll be thinking of you, friend.

 

[scotluvsoral]

They tell him they are very sorry. He's going to die, nothing they can do. They want him to do chemotherapy as Palliative care and maybe extend his life a few months.

He gets his will together so he can leave the accumulation of a life spent working to his daughter and granddaughter.

He feels comfort knowing they will have a house that's paid for and not have to struggle as he did to make ends meet.

They send him to a specialist to surgically put in the chemo port. Then they sent him to the cancer center oncologist and he listens to the doctor tell him he needs to keep his white blood cell count up. He needs this shot called Neulasta they say. Don't worry they say, they will take good care of him. So he gets the shot does the office round of chemo and goes home with a second home bag of chemo that automatically dispenses into his blood. They affix a "automatic shot" to give him more of the Neulasta for the white blood cell count.

He's fighting as best he can. He enjoys Christmas with his daughter and granddaughter. He wakes up feeling ok considering and goes outside, he sees the mailman and says hi as he grabs his mail from the box.

They have sent him a letter. He opens and reads it. Your claim for Neulasta has been denied. They tell him it's not covered. It's $7000 dollars per shot. He read on learning he has thirty days to appeal from the date on the letter. Eleven have past while it made its way to him through the holiday mail. Sixteen shots over the last month counting the automatic ones. He does the math. $112,000. Crestfallen.

He stares back at the house wondering if his daughter will be able to keep it or if Florida Blue will wipe out his legacy. He feels sickened with this new knowledge. Sixteen shots have wiped his peace of mind away.

Tomorrow he is to go back for more chemo. Stunned. The pancreatic cancer turns out not to be the most malignant thing he must deal with in the morning. He goes inside, let's the mail fall into a pile on the counter and retreats to his bed. His last words we hear from the living room being "They lied".

] We never should have let the bean counters become the gate keepers for what insurance does and doesn't pay for!! It is an outrage!!!

 

[Shankara20]

"They lied".

Yes, They did.

This just breaks my heart and reminds me of all the ways we are powerless at times against some of the forces that drive our lives.

I am so sorry...

 

[Shankara20]

Hang in there Shank...I remember my first year colonoscopy after the cancer was removed. I was nervous as hell, but the results were fine! I think it is pretty natural to be nervous

It's because you have such a big heart, and extra feelings
Now stop worrying! That's an order. It does no good whatsoever.
Not to mention, of course, that you are fine

Seems logical to feel that way....

Keep positive though, it does go a long way

Shank, I get this too, and I'm coming up on my third round of annual post-op testing, This is a very common thing and in the online cancer forums I've visited, it's called scanxiety. It probably won't go away, though I think mine is a little less powerful this year. I'm sorry you're now in its grip. It sucks and the only fix is getting through to the day you get the results from the last test.

I'll be thinking of you, friend.

(((hugs)))

I think all is fine, the worry is just a little buzz running in the background.

This support and having a place to share little things of big things about how cancer impacts my life in the point of this thread. I feel safe here. And accepted.

 

[cmslt2326]

First, I'm sorry cancer has struck you in some way (directly or indirectly). Second, appeal the insurance carrier. Also, contact the oncologist office and ask to speak with the social worker or the person in the office that assists with finding funding for medications. Almost all oncologist's offices have that service. If not, call the drug company's patient assist line and see if there is any help available.

Lastly, I won't say don't, but I wouldn't pay any of the bills. I doubt anyone has ever had their house taken because they couldn't pay medical bills...it doesn't look good for healthcare or pharmaceutical companies. They avoid bad press at all costs. Also, there are certain medications that can not be stopped once started, even if a patient can't pay. I forget the term for these meds, but it's true. I know first hand.

Google for support agencies specific to pancreatic cancer...they exist and if it is a particular pancreatic cancer, google that. I've just dealt with similar situations, multiple times. If you need more info or would care for more info, let me know.

I'm with apple and CB...fight this and if you get help nowhere else contact the hospital social worker and a patient advocate...soooo sorry.

 

[emmy_christina]

My sweet darling caring friends.

I don't know how to say this,
but I thank you very much
for always being there for me
your gentle, friendly touch

You helped me to get better
and stop what I regret
you helped me through the hard times
that, I can't forget.
thank you.

You listened to my problems
in a kind and caring way
and without you
I may not be smiling today
thank you.

I trust you with my health problems
I trusted you with my feelings
and in my heart, your words I'll take
until I'm grey and old
thank you.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, FOR A BRIGHTER, HEALTHIER 2017.
AND FUCK YOU CANCER.
EMM

 

[cookiecat]

emmy_christina - what a beautiful sentiment!

 

[midwestyankee]

emmy_christina - what a beautiful sentiment!

What she said, only in a somewhat deeper voice.

 

[LWulf]

Support. I take all the support I can get. I'm not looking for well wishes, that's moot. Sharing with others who understand the feelings is helpful.

I guess I don't see the "support" as being anything other than surreal, which is why I don't get the point. That you do, is up to you.

Ditto what cookie said...and the fact that you have a freedom to say some of the things here that you can't or don't say to those in your life that have no idea about the feelings you have about the toll cancer has taken on your loved one or you. Also, sharing your feelings and thoughts about the changes (physical, mental, emotional, social, etc) that have impacted your life, the impending loss that will break your heart, or any of the thousand other things that occur.

More than anything it is the sharing and the support. I thank everyone who was and remains there for me during my times of need.

There are things I'd like to say, things I'd like to vent, but saying them doesn't give a fulfillment or ease my feelings. I'm mad at the person who died because she gave control to someone with a heart of stone (or was completely and utterly ignorant) and when it came down to crunch time, she2 went off to suck her thumb because she2 didn't know what to do, or made very bad decisions.

I think she thought she2 would rise to the occasion because she utterly controlled her2 and therefore thought she2 was a clone of her thoughts. She didn't trust me because she couldn't control me. I spoke my mind and contrared when I didn't see reason.

She2 decided to ramrod medication into her's mouth, when she asked she2 "what was she2 giving her?" She just wanted to be reassured. She was used to always being in control and got scared and distrustful whenever she wasn't. She2 liked to have quiet conversations with me on how we should "control" she. She2 whispered and I spoke normally. She2 tried to maneuver me, to use me as a powerbase for her2 to take control of she.

She2 gave her overdoses of sedatives to make her compliant, all the while saying she was quoting the nurses.

She heard the conversations and grew distrustful of both of us. She2 tried to be the utter sycophant, while I got irritated and mad. She2 eventually stayed in her room attached like a Siamese twin with separation anxiety, effectively eliminating me from being with her, and allowing her to control her medication doses. She2 needs to take medication herself, and indolently neglects to take it all the time.

In the process of her2 being with her 24/7, she2 was awake more times than was healthy and watch over someone conscientiously. Thus, she2 neglected to give medication on a timely basis and thus she's pain level would go though peaks and valleys, where it should be a steady line.

She2 didn't write a medication schedule, so I did. She2 didn't like going by my schedule because it looked like She2 wasn't in control by following my schedule, so she2 made her2 own schedule which didn't follow a regular pattern and was chaotic.

She2 wanted me to watch over she and be in there when she2 wasn't there. I would use a baby monitor to listen while I took care of the house. She2 didn't like that.

Eventually, one of the nurses realized that I was saying she2 was over-medicating her and looked at the drip's frequency of additional squeezes. They found she was getting in a 24 hour period, with a greatest potential of one squeeze every ten minutes, that she was getting 125 emergency squeezes (where it should have been maybe 10 times in a 24 hour period).

They told she2 she was wrong to do this, and instead of taking responsibility for her2 actions, she2 said she2 was doing EXACTLY as the nurses told her to do. At this point, she2 had brought up her tolerance to the medication by overdosing her, effectively accelerating the process instead of lengthening it.

She2 had a frequent habit that whenever she didn't do as she2 said, she would use the baby monitor to alert me at any hour of the day and especially night. She2 had no interest in taking time to talk and explain what she2 was doing to her. This made her distrustful of she2.

Eventually, she2 would just RAM medication into she's mouth where she would try to blow it out of her mouth, then call she2 "evil."

I started to stop responding to she2's pleas for help. If she2 left for whatever reason, I'd tend to she as needed. Sometimes, I'd hear she asking for help via the baby monitor, and hearing nothing else, would wake, walk in and find she2 blissfully asleep. Then when she2 woke to find me in there would accusatorily demand "what are you doing?"

I tried to be the calm voice and tell she2 she needed to leave her's bedroom and look after herself better, but she would hear no counsel except her own bad judgement.

All of which was tentatively at she's request, which is, again, why I was mad at she.

Eventually, she2 overheard some of the things I'd do and say while I tended she and tried to emulate me in her2's attempts to control she, though she did so poorly, in my opinion.

In the worse times, when I was alone tending to her, she would be wailing in pain, begging for more meds, and I would hold her hand, and explain that she couldn't have more medication or we had to wait until a nurse came by to give her more. She looked at me and gave me a brief nod that she understood, and in that I think she knew she could trust me.

In the end, I tended to she on her deathbed; her final 6 hours, in spite of my own declining health because she2 didn't allow me to sleep at the same time she wasn't getting sleep (in my mind, it should have been in shifts, but in her2's mind we were both on shift 24/7).

My health has been steadily getting worse over the course of the last year and now I'm taking a heavy course of steroids to get back into a quasi-healthy state. I shouldn't be in this state and might not have needed to be here if it wasn't for her2's lack of consideration for others (health).

I tended her in her final 6 hours because she2 couldn't, because she2 was too emotional.

Accordingly, she was bleeding out into her stomach and the blood was flowing up and then out her mouth, but it wasn't red, but dark grey and white. I endlessly wiped the stuff from her mouth for 6 hours. My back was locked up, but I continued, because there was no one else.

In my opinion, her heart spasmed twice in a heart attack and then she died.

She was told and hoped that she would go into a coma and die, but she wasn't allow that in the end it seems. I finished cleaning her up, fixed her hair and put her body into a position of calm rest.

She2 would lie and tell she that people were there when in fact they had died years before. I don't like telling patronizing lies to people. In life, she didn't like that either.

Why she left herself over to she2 instead of me is beyond me. I would have insisted she take her medication, but I would have told her what it was and gotten her okay first. In spite of the pain, in spite of the cancer, in spite of everything else, she was quite savvy and knew when someone was bullshitting her. In spite of me getting angry at her and her being angry with me, in the end, I believe she knew she could trust me because I was predictable and plain spoken.

They say the hearing is the last thing to go. Eyesight, is one of the first. Not seeing something, not knowing what is going on, you are less likely to feel secure when someone is shoving something in your mouth. In that case, would it hurt to take an extra 10 minutes or even half an hour to help a person understand they have to take the medication instead of ramming down your gullet?

Nurses, of course, don't have the time or patience to placate patients and justify briskly treating their charges (She2 is not a nurse).

****​

It doesn't make me feel better for saying this.

I don't have an abiding love for she2. She2 blundered and fumbled and took poor care of her, which makes me like her2 even less.

I have voiced these feelings to her2 and she2 denies everything and tries to supplant reality with her2 own. Her2 way of avoiding guilt. For someone older than me, she2 acts half her2 age.

I still don't get the point of posting here.

I guess I only hope others who have cancer might learn something from my saying this, in their choice of who to put in charge of their care in their final days.

 

[Shankara20]

I guess I only hope others who have cancer might learn something from my saying this, in their choice of who to put in charge of their care in their final days.

Thank you for adding your voice.

 

[cookiecat]

I guess I don't see the "support" as being anything other than surreal, which is why I don't get the point. That you do, is up to you.



There are things I'd like to say, things I'd like to vent, but saying them doesn't give a fulfillment or ease my feelings. I'm mad at the person who died because she gave control to someone with a heart of stone (or was completely and utterly ignorant) and when it came down to crunch time, she2 went off to suck her thumb because she2 didn't know what to do, or made very bad decisions.

<snip>

I still don't get the point of posting here.

I guess I only hope others who have cancer might learn something from my saying this, in their choice of who to put in charge of their care in their final days.

I'll second what Shankara said - thanks for sharing what was clearly a difficult time.