Beginning of a story or roleplay. Let me know what you think

[lkmc]

We'd be in the back of a car, i'd be in a suit and you're wearing a black lace bra and crotchless panties, I'd touch your pussy as we pull up to this old house, I'd taste my fingers and place them against your lips so you could taste my sweet and sticky fingers. I'd place a lace blindfold over your eyes and then a collar around your neck. I'd lick your mouth as I attach a chain to the collar and then instruct you to crawl out of the car and up the stairs of the old house. You'd feel the rocks and warm concrete against the palms of your hands and your knees as you crawl up the stairs of the old house..I hold the chain and watch your tight pussy glisten as you crawl. Sometimes I'd pull on the chain and spit on your pussy, watching my trail of saliva make it's way down your pussy and then down your thighs

That is all I have so far

 

[RabbleVox]

I'm new here, but I've gotta say, don't like it. Who is "she"? Don't make her a mindless sex slave, make her a real woman who chooses to submit. Try to get into her head (and his) a bit. Back to the drawing board, young sir.
Peace,
R

 

[tomlitilia]

I've never read anything in 2nd person that I could read more than a paragraph of. I am me, not the person you're talking to in the story. Thus, the story loses credibility this way. So I'd advice against this. And speaking of "I'd", I don't think this works either. Are you trying to make the events conditional on something?

About the content, I think it works fine as an introduction, assuming you then continue with an actual story and not just continue describing how a sex scene progresses.

 

[sr71plt]

This isn't in second person. First person is established in the first (we) and second (I) clauses of the first sentence and the first word of the second sentence (I)--and is maintained thereafter. It's from the perspective of the narrator (first person). To be in second person, it would have to be given from the perspective of the "you."

I won't comment beyond that, because this isn't the place for the OP post. This section of the forum is for comment on stories already posted to the Literotica story file.

 

[Bramblethorn]

This isn't in second person. First person is established in the first (we) and second (I) clauses of the first sentence and the first word of the second sentence (I)--and is maintained thereafter. It's from the perspective of the narrator (first person). To be in second person, it would have to be given from the perspective of the "you."

Agreed... so, is there a term for the "I and you" style of writing? This is an issue that comes up a lot in feedback discussions, so it'd be nice to have a word for it.

 

[sr71plt]

Agreed... so, is there a term for the "I and you" style of writing? This is an issue that comes up a lot in feedback discussions, so it'd be nice to have a word for it.

Not that I know of and, as trying to related a story in multiple perspectives at once would be considered to be messy and confusing, I doubt it's been given the legitimacy of a name. We've gone to calling most of what folks here falsely ascribe to second person as just that, "false second person," or "pseudo second person," I think. Some folks call it "just don't do that."

 

[RabbleVox]

Sorry, y'all are just wrong here. The use of "we" and "I" place it firmly in the first person, No other way to read that snippet.

 

[sr71plt]

Sorry, y'all are just wrong here. The use of "we" and "I" place it firmly in the first person, No other way to read that snippet.

Who do you think is the wrong "y'all"? Both Bramble and I are saying just that--that it's in first person. Only one poster said it was second person.

 

[RabbleVox]

Who do you think is the wrong "y'all"? Both Bramble and I are saying just that--that it's in first person. Only one poster said it was second person.

You are correct sir, I was guilty of sloppy reading. ( a crime which I find heinous, even if I've got multiple convictions)
R

 

[tomlitilia]

Who do you think is the wrong "y'all"? Both Bramble and I are saying just that--that it's in first person. Only one poster said it was second person.

Well, sure. It's a mixture of 1st and 2nd, right? The sentence "You'd feel the rocks and warm concrete against the palms of your hands and your knees as you crawl up the stairs of the old house" would be in 2nd person. And all I'm trying to say in regards to the OP's request for feedback is that the use of 2nd person throws me off, and my guess is that many readers would feel the same.

 

[sr71plt]

Well, sure. It's a mixture of 1st and 2nd, right? The sentence "You'd feel the rocks and warm concrete against the palms of your hands and your knees as you crawl up the stairs of the old house" would be in 2nd person. And all I'm trying to say in regards to the OP's request for feedback is that the use of 2nd person throws me off, and my guess is that many readers would feel the same.

No, It's fully first person. At no time is it in the head of the "you." Even the sentence "You'd feel . . ." is an assertion of the narrator of what the "you" would feel.

 

[tomlitilia]

No, It's fully first person. At no time is it in the head of the "you." Even the sentence "You'd feel . . ." is an assertion of the narrator of what the "you" would feel.

Hmm... OK, I think it's better to leave the technicalities aside in order to not stray from the OP's request for feedback. So, here are my two points again.
1) The inclusion of "you" (i.e. me) in the story is making hard for me to read because I know I never did these things. I suggest avoiding it.
2) The "I'd" form is also confusing for me. I think your story would flow better in regular past tense.

 

[LauraSole]

It does seem like a nice start, but I miss some details, especially in an atmospherical way.
What does that old house look like? How does it smell? Whats the air like - old, moldy, or clean and reminiscent of fresh cut wood?
What's going on in the head of the protagonists (male and female)?

 

[sr71plt]

All of which are optional depending on what the author is trying to do with the story and are just added baggage if they don't serve the story in any way other than adding bulk.

 

[Sammael Bard]

You need a person to lay this thing on. This excerpt/whatever-it-is will not suit everyone so, I think, asking for feedback is a moot point. Sexual RP-ing of this kind isn't a community activity. Some may like it, most will not.

Since this writing is specifically tailored for role-play, you need to ask the person with whom you're doing it with for some honest feedback. 'Cuz seriously, what do you expect a bunch of dudes to say? That we're hot and heavy? It defeats the entire purpose of feedback for a thing this short.

Also (if this is a story and not a RP) addressing a reader as 'you' doesn't always end with spectacular results. Lots of factors to consider here: icky male readership, icky female readership and the disconnected feeling when someone isn't able to visualise what you're trying to sell. Again, can't say much since this thing is way too short to make a good judgement on.



Anywho, that's enough for today.

Good luck.