To those in a longterm vanilla/bdsm relation

[Sunshine48]

Okay, here we go.

About 20 years ago I married the most wonderful man in the universe. He is gentle, patient, kind and likes to help others. And yes, there is a big BUT coming now: I never really enjoyed our bedroom time. I thought it was me. That there was something 'wrong' with me.
Until I stumbled on a romance about a couple and their bdsm relationship, and things fell into place. That's 1 year ago now.
You must know that, with religious parents, I was never encouraged to explore my sexuality. The word 'sex' was never even mentioned, as far as I can remember.
And in those days, there was nothing like the i-net. Yes, I'm that old

So, since a year I read a lot about bdsm and know I'm submissive, at least in the bedroom. And from the title of this threat you know what's next
My husband is as vanilla as there ever was one.
One night we talked about it and, to his credit, he tried to be less predictable, but his heart isn't in it.

A couple of days ago we talked about it again and his voice broke when he told me he was afraid I'd walk away. His fear and sadness in turn broke my heart. I am not going to leave him over this, but at the same time I wonder how other couples in a similar situation go about this.

So I'd like to hear your thoughts.

 

[WifeLender]

It does seem far more common in BDSM for people to play and share than in vanilla world. So I am not really sure that it would float with vanilla partner... the sharing that is. BUT it may be a conversation that could be had. Especially if ones tastes were more ... well let's say less "love making".

I've seen that moving to bdsm to scratch and itch turns into much more and that is shit for everyone.

OOORRRRR train him up if he is willing to have a go. There are even training groups about.

 

[Primalex]

So, since a year I read a lot about bdsm and know I'm submissive, at least in the bedroom.

What does stop you from being submissive in the bedroom?

 

[Sunshine48]

What does stop you from being submissive in the bedroom?

Thanks for your reply. It made me smile though. Nothing stops me, but nothing will happen either
Vanilla just doesn't cut it for me and for me to submit, there has to be something to submit to.

@Wifelender, him training to be something that's not in his heart? I'm afraid that's a recipe for disaster imho. Nevertheless, I will talk to him about it, thanks

 

[MastersDelight]

Why is he afraid you'll walk away? Because he's not willing to try anything new? Maybe instead of tossing him into the BDSM fire suggest one small thing at a time to try. Or see if there's something he fanaticizes about but is too afraid to ask for or talk about. Maybe the reason he's upset is because while you've decided you're submissive, he may be submissive too but realizes you're wanting a dominant partner. Think about things from his perspective:

Up until that talk he probably thought you were sexually satisfied by him. Now he learns that you're really not, and so large is your disappointment that you've had to say it and you're telling him how he can be better. It would be difficult to act enthusiastic after that if you ask me.

A lot of reassurance will help him. Talk, talk, talk, and when you've run out of things to say, talk some more. Find out just where he draws the line as far as sexual exploration. Let him know what it is you'd like from him. But bottom line, if he's unwilling he's unwilling. It comes down to if you're ok with living without the BDSM.

 

[MeekMe]

Thanks for your reply. It made me smile though. Nothing stops me, but nothing will happen either
Vanilla just doesn't cut it for me and for me to submit, there has to be something to submit to.

What does submission look like to you?

 

[Primalex]

Thanks for your reply. It made me smile though. Nothing stops me, but nothing will happen either

Now that's a comfortable position, isn't it?

Vanilla just doesn't cut it for me

What is this supposed to mean?

 

[Scrivener_]

I know this situation (and I'm in it, to a certain extent)! I second all of what MastersDelight had to say. What *is* your partner into? Can any of that be mutated into D/s play? Ex: if he likes playing with your body, it's pretty easy to bring a blindfold and some silk scarves into that, add some ice cubes, and bam, you have sensory/sensation play. The thing about BDSM stuff if you're not used to it is that everyone has this misconception that it's Super Serious All the Time. I don't find that to be the case at all. In fact, a sense of playfulness and exploration and lightheartedness is often essential to a good D/s relationship. Maybe you can approach it from that angle?

 

[Miasorrow]

Maybe she is not referring to blindfolds, whips and chains; maybe she is craving that kind of domination where she would not have to ask for it or instruct it to someone cause that way it loses all the initial appeal; maybe she wants him to be in control not only in the bedroom but mostly mentally so that her emotions are also restrained beyond control.

 

[MastersDelight]

Maybe she is not referring to blindfolds, whips and chains; maybe she is craving that kind of domination where she would not have to ask for it or instruct it to someone cause that way it loses all the initial appeal; maybe she wants him to be in control not only in the bedroom but mostly mentally so that her emotions are also restrained beyond control.

I call this romance novel fog. EVERYONE wants this. Realistically no one is a mind reader. BUT

I get what you're saying. I think we need more information to be of any real help.

 

[Miasorrow]

I call this romance novel fog. EVERYONE wants this. Realistically no one is a mind reader. BUT

I get what you're saying. I think we need more information to be of any real help.

I read a thread here yesterday about a poll and the question was if married men still wanted to have sex with their wives after years of marriage. Surprisigly, almost 90 percent of the men voted that they still want to have sex with their wives! I just realized at the moment that the women are the ones who stop wanting to have sex with their men and it's not because the initial physical attraction is lost (females rarely care only about looks) but because somehow the romance has seized being powerful.

Romance is not only important, in most cases is the essence of good sex.

But I get what you are saying too.

 

[CutieMouse]

First question -

All this reading you're doing about BDSM... is it erotica & romance or is it actual information-based stuff like The New Topping Book, The New Bottoming Book, The Loving Dominant, etc?

Because if it's erotica/romance, of course you want XYZ and of course your husband can't measure up (to a fictional character).

Second question -

When you're saying he's "vanilla" and you want D/s, what exactly does that even MEAN? How do you find the middle ground? What would happen if you got rid of all the terms & definitions? I bet he'd be less intimidated (by fictional BDSM-bro). I bet you might find yourselves (both) getting a few needs met.

99.5% of my relationship appears vanilla. He gets to have however much control he wants, and knows it, but isn't interested in adding the responsibility/work to his already very busy life. I recognize that giving him the space to NOT make all the decisions is an act of service (submission), just as much as keeping his favorite foods in the house.

Either of us is likely to say "hey, I saw this thing/had this idea/was curious about trying XYZ..." and 9 times out of 10 we try it. Sometimes it works; sometimes it doesn't. In fact, some things we've tried (kinky fuckery) I've discovered I LOVE - even though I disliked XYZ with a purple passion (with previous lovers).

If I measured my relationship against erotica/romance novels, he might not measure up. He might not be dominant enough. He might not do it right. Hell, I've had more "vanilla" missionary position (kinky as fuck) sex in the last year-ish, than I have in the previous 10.

 

[Setanta84]

Based on what you wrote, I think it's kind of early to jump to conclusions.

You've been with this guy for a big part of both of your lives and you just told him that you have never really enjoyed sex with him and are into new things. It's not an odd reaction in that situation to worry that you may not be sexually incompatible and it seems like he has that worry, which might be why he seems to "not have his heart" in it.

I'd give this time, communicate clearly what you want to try out, and see if things improve. If after a while they don't and sex isn't something you are willing to settle over in life, then you need to broach some questions about the nature of your relationship and how it might need to change.

 

[Sunshine48]

I love all of you for trying to help me/us.

I try to answer each of your questions bur forgive me if I overlook one.

My husband was afraid I would walk away because he felt I was pulling away. I did not do so intentionally, but when I look back I understand why it felt to him like I did.

Bdsm was not mentioned at first. One night in bed we were having a heart to heart talk about 'us'. Asking each other about how we felt about all kinds of things. I then asked him what his thoughts were concerning our sex life and asked him how he felt about trying new things. One thing led to the other but the word bdsm was not mentioned because I know a lot of people don't understand it and think it's degrading and something negative.

He said he was fine trying new things and for a while things were looking up. We talked about the changes we made and he told me he liked trying new things. I asked him about his sexual fantasy and what he liked and we took things from there. I do try to see things from his point of view. That's why I talk about things with him because he is not some one who wears his heart on his sleeve.

I also asked him if he was still attracted to me. Let's be honest, although I do take care of myself, eat healthy, gym etc. and, according to others, still look good, gravity is still having it's affect on my body too. He said he still thinks I'm beautiful - the only right answer of course

But after a while the energy seemed to seep away again and things were falling back into the old routine. Missionairy up to a quick orgasm and that's it.

I've read erotic books as well as about bdsm in the real world online. Of course I know books are not the real thing. Well, maybe for a lucky few. And I don't want to rush things and dive in deep. But I would like to explore, and I'ld like him to join me. But it has to be fun for the both of us.

I've had some great advice via pm and reading all of posts and questions has made me realize I will have to be the one to take him by the hand. Take things slowly, expect less and keep talking and explaining.

No I don't want whips and chains, neither do I want him to control me emotionally.
I would like for him to take control though. To take the power I give him to try things when, where and how he thinks we both would enjoy it.

Yes, orgasms are great, but to me it's the way up to the orgasms that's important to me and want to explore.

I decided to bring the whole sex topic up again tonight and have yet another talk. Keep you posted.
Wish me luck.

 

[WifeLender]

That sounds like a fantastic idea

How has it gone since?

 

[S3xSlav3]

Take it very slow and don't think of it as BDSM or Control. Find stuff you can do together.

Talk about masturbation ask if he minds if you masturbate in front of him.
Plan a fun night out and lead up to a night with no panties and a car ride home with no clothes on.
Try getting him to take a picture of you at a stop sign naked.
Clean the house naked
Cook dinner naked

Your going to have to be your own Master for a while. There seems to be a specific term for this. Something like leading from the bottom. Im knew to public side of this stuff.

My wife and I started with the above ideas. With me leading from the bottom. None of it was planned. None of it was me thinking I will get her to do this or that it just happened. If you can take activities that you both enjoy and lead you both to pleasure over time you can both grow to find a spot you both enjoy.

I approached the subject with my wife by telling her I trusted her enough to do anything she desired. All she had to do was ask. Then led her into some of the ideas above.

 

[ComicDom1]

It does seem far more common in BDSM for people to play and share than in vanilla world. So I am not really sure that it would float with vanilla partner... the sharing that is. BUT it may be a conversation that could be had. Especially if ones tastes were more ... well let's say less "love making".

I've seen that moving to bdsm to scratch and itch turns into much more and that is shit for everyone.

OOORRRRR train him up if he is willing to have a go. There are even training groups about.

You do not simply train people up. They either are or they are not. You cannot create what is not there. This is a major flaw and problem that many people encounter when they think they can fix or change another person in their relationship. The only person that can really cause effective change to happen is the person themselves. With that said, since you have accepted who and what you are, then why not just accept who and what he is. Doesn't he deserve the same consideration as you?

If you happen to find common ground and common interests so be it, but those are things that cannot be forced. If he has an open mind he will explore with you. If he doesn't then you will more than likely be faced with making a choice.

Be wary of who is giving you advice. The internet is not your be resource since you have no way really validating anyones experience. If you can get him to agree, find a Munch( a real time non threading BDSM meeting in your area) with others who have similar interests. Usually there is good discussion and its a great way for someone new to get questions answered without feeling pressure to be involved. The Munches usually take place in a public setting. When and if you are ready maybe you can encourage him to go to a real time BDSM event or club just to see some physical play. It can be mild or extreme.

Keep in mind anyone can learn to play. Learning to play is just that. Playing. You can teach anyone to use a flogger, a Single tail, Nipple Clamps, a Violet Wand, ect, ect....... there are lots of toys out there. So as I say anyone can learn to play. To mean you can take it or leave it. If Rope Art and Bondage are you thing, have at it. Just remember there is a fine line between Pain and pleasure and the opposite is true also. There is a fine line between Pleasure and pain LOL. Everything has a balance.

There are people who play just for the sake of playing because that is what turns them on. I have a name for them but I am not going into that here Within that group, there are many people who could care less whether or not they have a long term dynamic with their partner.

The Psychological connection between you is what will lead you to a more meaningful interaction in the bedroom. If play is important or anything similar above that I briefly mentioned about play remotely interests you or him, then the Psychological connection will make it a much better and more meaningful experience for you.

Keep in mind. There are lots of vanilla couples that want a little Slap and Tickle to spice up their otherwise boring vanilla sex lives. That is not BDSM. That is Role Play. If you are a BDSM couple, you cannot turn that on and off like a light switch. Remember what I said above. Who and what you are. If you think you can change who and what you are, then try to stop breathing right now and see how that works for you.

You also cannot be your own master lol. I about fell out of my chair laughing when I read that. One last thing, Control is an illusion, You only have control as long as another allows you to have it. Control by force is not BDSM. Control by intimidation is not BDSM. Control by Manipulation is not BDSM. Control by Deception is not BDSM.

I hope this helps you somewhat.

ComicDom1

 

[SMasterJack]

I am in the same boat as you! My partner is a vanilla girl and I am a Dom. Unlike you though, I am not okay with living the rest of my life like a vanilla. I believe the taming of our own sexuality determines what we can do in life. For me, if I am sexually repressed, I don't enjoy anything and nothing matters to me. I will always be angry and will not be able to think straight.
However, seeing her cry at the thought of me ditching her really breaks my heart. I need to kill an aspect of me to chose either way and I do not believe I will ever be the same again if I take the decision of divorcing her.