Need help with a conclusion

[ChibiFangirl]

Conclusions have never been my strong suit. I have written a submission that will later be posted on Lit, though I'm not happy with the ending. I'd also ask for a beta reader since my grammar, spelling and vocabulary are not the greatest, but its like thirty pages long and I'm sure nobody has the time to read it all. So I'm just asking for the ending. This is what I got:

EPILOGUE
During our early dating period, Peter and I have been very affectionate of one another. However, we never got sexually physical until two years later. He, too, felt it wasn’t right to take me then and there. I’m glad we waited that long. We never even fooled around either. No blow jobs, no cunnilingus. There was one time I did a strip tease for him during that period, but it was out of a truth or dare game. On the nights I’d have the most anxiety, he would spend the night in the guest bed.

On the fourth week of our “honeymoon’ phase, we went back to that psychic shop and got a reading on whether or not we were right for each other and that Peter was my soul mate. The method the psychic used was tarot and aura crystal reading. She said the energy we shared was strong and almost divine.

While we only shared one class, we would try to see each other as much as possible. I’d spend hours in his room watching movies and play video games with him. He treated me like a princess, which for once actually made me feel happy for an extended period of time, I used to never believe that I would find love. It didn’t. Love found me.​

I feel that its too cliche. It feels more like a romcom ending than something that actually came from my heart and soul. I'm also linking the draft, if anyone actually, geniuely wants to go through it and fix errors I may have.

[Off-site link not permitted -AHMod]

 

[MLClifton]

This is just my opinion--take a look around this forum and you'll see what opinions are worth--but I think you're doing a lot of telling and no showing. You're telling the reader everything about your characters but not revealing anything about them through their actions, dialog, mannerisms, etc. If this is your epilogue, your reader should already know all these things and more about your characters by this point in the story.

 

[SamScribble]

What MLC said.

I think that you can end a story anywhere - even after to first paragraph. But I also think that you have to let the reader do some of the work. They have to be there when you get to the end. The reader has to get to know the character(s). They have to be able to 'observe' where the story is going. Just saying: this is what happened; this is what happened next, can sometimes leave both you and your reader yawning.

Good luck with your story.

 

[Hypoxia]

Visualize the ending before you start the story. Know where you're going and how you got there. Don't tell us the ending -- let the players show us how the story ends. That ending need not be conclusive. Leave things hanging, ambiguous, indeterminate, unless you kill off the characters in an explosion or plane crash. Obliteration always solves things.

 

[CyranoJ]

I feel that its too cliche. It feels more like a romcom ending than something that actually came from my heart and soul. I'm also linking the draft, if anyone actually, geniuely wants to go through it and fix errors I may have.
https://***************/document/d/1TtigQ7R7Ivbo-dQBXUUr9oOpDqfeO_1wcCNaA9NECIU/edit?usp=sharing

I had a look partway through your draft; it's not possible for me to really say much about a conclusion without the context of the rest of the story. What I would say is:

1. In terms of style, the conclusion does fit the way the rest of your story is told. There's a kind of artless innocence to it which is, in one way, kind of clumsy in terms of the usual staples of writing advice (like "show don't tell"), but on the other hand I get the feeling that that's really your voice. And whether that's true or not, it's certainly the voice of the character you present and fits with the challenges they describe facing. Either way it has a charm to it that isn't readily evident from just reading the conclusion alone. So, although I can see tweaking a word choice here and there, I'm not sure how much time I'd spend on making the prose fitter, happier and more productive unless you also plan on re-editing the whole story.

2. If you do plan on giving the story a substantial edit, Hypoxia's advice is good and you'll find it's often effective to end on a specific scene or visual that captures those emotions. For example, you could give us a snap-shot of that game of truth-or-dare you mention, and use that moment of happiness as a window into the "love found me" theme. (Don't kill the characters in a plane crash! )

3. It does feel like the information could at least be re-organized. It's a little weird to be told up front on what timetable the lead and her beau did or did not engage in oral sex. Talking about the feeling of having a steady partner for the first time would seem like a more natural lead-in, then the tarot card thing and then, maybe, talking about that game of truth or dare and about waiting til the right time to go further. (I think you can honestly just do without telling us about the oral sex or non-having-of-same altogether.)

4. Yes, it's sappy AF, but it's a romance story. That will be more of a feature than a defect for those who'll stick with it until the conclusion, and those people will want to see the characters get a happy ending, so I wouldn't mess with them too much.

5. If you want to get more of your heart and soul into it, try adding more concrete description. (This is where we get to "show don't tell," I guess.) The tactile details of life are often a good way to connect to the emotional core of a scenario or a story.

Good luck!

 

[NOIRTRASH]

Generally speaking, endings oughta settle things.

In real life real endings almost always settle little. Life tends to be a cluster-fuck. The task of fiction is: present the problem and settle it.

Or you can do as Margaret Mitchell did with GONE WITH THE WIND, say TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. I'LL THINK ABOUT RHETT THEN. BUT FOR NOW MY PANTIES ARE GONNA STICK TO THE WALL.

 

[ChibiFangirl]

I had a look partway through your draft; it's not possible for me to really say much about a conclusion without the context of the rest of the story. What I would say is:

1. In terms of style, the conclusion does fit the way the rest of your story is told. There's a kind of artless innocence to it which is, in one way, kind of clumsy in terms of the usual staples of writing advice (like "show don't tell"), but on the other hand I get the feeling that that's really your voice. And whether that's true or not, it's certainly the voice of the character you present and fits with the challenges they describe facing. Either way it has a charm to it that isn't readily evident from just reading the conclusion alone. So, although I can see tweaking a word choice here and there, I'm not sure how much time I'd spend on making the prose fitter, happier and more productive unless you also plan on re-editing the whole story.

2. If you do plan on giving the story a substantial edit, Hypoxia's advice is good and you'll find it's often effective to end on a specific scene or visual that captures those emotions. For example, you could give us a snap-shot of that game of truth-or-dare you mention, and use that moment of happiness as a window into the "love found me" theme. (Don't kill the characters in a plane crash! )

3. It does feel like the information could at least be re-organized. It's a little weird to be told up front on what timetable the lead and her beau did or did not engage in oral sex. Talking about the feeling of having a steady partner for the first time would seem like a more natural lead-in, then the tarot card thing and then, maybe, talking about that game of truth or dare and about waiting til the right time to go further. (I think you can honestly just do without telling us about the oral sex or non-having-of-same altogether.)

4. Yes, it's sappy AF, but it's a romance story. That will be more of a feature than a defect for those who'll stick with it until the conclusion, and those people will want to see the characters get a happy ending, so I wouldn't mess with them too much.

5. If you want to get more of your heart and soul into it, try adding more concrete description. (This is where we get to "show don't tell," I guess.) The tactile details of life are often a good way to connect to the emotional core of a scenario or a story.

Good luck!

Most of it (as said in the intro/author's note) is based on true events, exaggerations and 90% fantasy. It is my journey of finding my soul mate. I am very innocent and very awkward and tried to keep that tone, since that is me. I may of added a bit of filler, which I may need to fix.

I'm a bit confused about your #3, since the passage I posted in forum was just the epilogue and the majority of the story, is a sequence of events. Kind of like a diary but in past tense.

I kind of need help grasping the show and not tell thing. Because what feels like showing to me, may not be the same with everyone else. (My imagination is very wild) If you wanna help me structure it so I can understand some examples, this could help a bunch. ^.^ PM me if your interested.

Visualize the ending before you start the story. Know where you're going and how you got there. Don't tell us the ending -- let the players show us how the story ends. That ending need not be conclusive. Leave things hanging, ambiguous, indeterminate, unless you kill off the characters in an explosion or plane crash. Obliteration always solves things.

Originally this wasn't going to be part of the story since the big closer chapter didn't feel fitting either. I had planned on how character a was going to get with b, but i felt like it still was unfinished since once the two characters get together, it fades. I was also trying to connect this story to the previous two I have written, since if I ever get a following, I want my series to make sense, which is why I included the epilogue. This was the ending if there was no epilogue:

[Excerpt from unpublished story longer than allowed - AHMod]

*I haven't gone through spell check yet since when i finished it, it was late at night and I had to go to bed, LOL. I'll get to it eventually, I'm just asking right now story wise.

I appreciate the help you guys give but also feel very lost.

 

[CyranoJ]

I'm a bit confused about your #3, since the passage I posted in forum was just the epilogue and the majority of the story, is a sequence of events.

I meant that there are three different pieces of information in your epilogue that could be put in different order and/or handled a little differently.

I've a few things on the go right now but sure, I'll try to get you a PM with some more detailed thoughts if it'll be useful.

 

[NOIRTRASH]

I put the OP on iggy for the long re-post. Someone wise the bitch up.

 

[sr71plt]

I've been waiting for a MOD to show up on even the first OP post, but I guess the MOD is on vacation.

 

[ChibiFangirl]

I put the OP on iggy for the lost re-post. Someone wise the bitch up.

Whats an OP?

 

[MLClifton]

Whats an OP?

Original Poster. In this case, that would be you. I'm fairly new to the site, but I think they're peeved because this should go in a different forum--I believe it's called Story Feedback. Of course, I could be wrong, but if I am, someone will be sure to tell me in short order.

 

[sr71plt]

Original Poster. In this case, that would be you. I'm fairly new to the site, but I think they're peeved because this should go in a different forum--I believe it's called Story Feedback. Of course, I could be wrong, but if I am, someone will be sure to tell me in short order.

The OP includes an off-site link to a fuller version, which is against forum rules, and a later post provides more of an excerpt than another forum rule permits. If the Moderator was paying attention, these would be excised.

 

[ChibiFangirl]

I'm sorry. I just wanted improvement on my writing. Not sure what other forum I can go to that I can get help for.

 

[MLClifton]

I'm sorry. I just wanted improvement on my writing. Not sure what other forum I can go to that I can get help for.

Okay, before this thread gets swiped, I'll add this. If you want to improve your writing, I think you should consider reading some how-to books about writing in general. Some very popular writers have penned them: Stephen King's On Writing is a good one. Ursula K. Le Guin wrote one. There are many others. Also, check out Strunk and White's Elements of Style to get a better grasp on sentence structure, punctuation, etc. These will answer a lot of your questions, such as those you have about showing vs. telling. I hope this helps.

 

[EquinoxRising]

The OP includes an off-site link to a fuller version, which is against forum rules, and a later post provides more of an excerpt than another forum rule permits. If the Moderator was paying attention, these would be excised.

I know for a fact that it was reported to the mod.

 

[lovecraft68]

I'm sorry. I just wanted improvement on my writing. Not sure what other forum I can go to that I can get help for.

Pay no attention to Pilot he's using a forum violation you weren't aware of to be an ass. He's ragging on the mod for being 'on vacation' well plenty here feel that way that the mod won't do anything about Pilot's 24/7 snark.

And pay no attention to Equinox. She mods every forum, but her own.

 

[sr71plt]

I know for a fact that it was reported to the mod.

Not by me. I didn't care if it was played out here. I neither reported it nor posted that it shouldn't be here. I only said I was surprised it didn't have parts erased, as that's what normally happens. (And I see that Lovecraft68 is being an ass about it. The hoot there is that LC never forgoes an opportunity to rag on the Web site. In this case, ragging on me just is higher in his priority attack list. apparently LC thinks he's the only one--and he does it often here--who can note inconsistent application of the forum rules. )

 

[ChibiFangirl]

Pay no attention to Pilot he's using a forum violation you weren't aware of to be an ass. He's ragging on the mod for being 'on vacation' well plenty here feel that way that the mod won't do anything about Pilot's 24/7 snark.

And pay no attention to Equinox. She mods every forum, but her own.

Okay, but what can I do to improve my writing?

 

[CyranoJ]

Okay, but what can I do to improve my writing?

If you're looking for a full edit, I think a good way to go might be to check in at the Editor's Forum and see if someone can help you with the full story.

(I will try to check in by PM with a more detailed critique for your conclusion.)

 

[Hypoxia]

Okay, before this thread gets swiped, I'll add this. If you want to improve your writing, I think you should consider reading some how-to books about writing in general.

And, sit at the feet of the masters (and mistresses) and study how they write. Copy them, like student painters copy masters. Note closely how writers you like to read structure their sentences and paragraphs and stories.

Beware: short fiction and long novels are NOT the same, and require different disciplines. A close relative is a noted novelist but not so good at short fiction. Their mate (now deceased) won notable awards for shorts. Each merely worked in different frames of reference. Some can excel in both formats; many cannot.

General consensus is that short works are MUCH tougher than longer writings. A novel can blather on forever (cf. S.King) whilst short works must pull things together fairly succinctly. Short fiction is more like poetry; figure out what is essential and scrap the rest.

 

[GoldenCojones]

Okay, but what can I do to improve my writing?

The best two things you can do to improve your writing is:

Read
and
Write

The more you read the more natural writing will come to you. The more you write the better you will get at writing.

If you want someone to edit your story for grammar and structure, post a request in the "Editors Forum" before you submit it.

If you want feedback on your story after it is posted, post a request in the "Story Feedback" forum.

If you do either, be sure you take their advice as just that advice. Don't let anyone change your voice or your story. Make it your own. Learn from your mistakes and move on. The best attribute you can have as a writer is a very thick skin. Listen to advice, take it when it makes sense to you, ignore it when you don't think it's right. But write!

And remember: If you write it, someone will read it. Outside of sex, knowing that someone read your story and liked it is the best feeling in the world.

 

[NOIRTRASH]

Once upon a time THE PROBLEM came along and got WORSE, and WORSE, and WORSE till it was AS BAD AS IT COULD GET, then SOMEONE HADDA BRAINFART, THE PROBLEM WENT AWAY, and EVERYONE LIVED HAPPY EVERAFTER.

The above is the basic story scheme you've known your whole life. Don't matter if Captain Ahab awakes wanting fat dick or Moby Dick.

Someone said there are 6 or so basic plots, and that's prolly true enough.

Read, read, read the very best best-selling authors. Obsess over 6 or a dozen of such books. Try to make their stuff better.

 

[Haulover]

...
Stephen King's On Writing is a good one.
...

It's excellent. Should be a required study guide for any writer.

 

[Laurel]

Okay, but what can I do to improve my writing?

You might want to check this section out:
https://www.literotica.com/storyxs/writ_stor.shtml

There are also newer writerly How-To articles in this section, if you browse around:
https://www.literotica.com/c/adult-how-to