Normal life after a toxic relationship?

[roseinthorns]

It's a shot, and I thought I would take it. Got nothing to lose, right?

takes a deep breath

I recently left a toxic relationship. We were engaged, and while it was not abusive, it was not healthy. I had to beg for phonecalls, he gave me the silent treatment for weeks on end, and I was not a priority. After 3 years, I called the engagement (and the wedding) off. I new I deserved better.

After a long hard look at myself, and at my last three relationships, the thing all in common was: me. I seemed to fall for emotionally unavailable assholes. I got stuck in a rut where I dated guys who didn't seem to think that I was/am important, where if something happened, I'd be left alone (i had a series of deaths in the family and when i reached out, was ignored or he said that he was too busy).

Here's the extra clincher: I'm submissive. When my college boyfriend and me were playing and I came to the conclusion that this is what I like, I was made ashamed of who I am. It's something I don't hide, and it is something that is a part of me. I'm okay with vanilla, but having BDSM in my life makes me alive. I like pleasing my partners. I really do. The problem is that I got so used to putting my desires on hold that i don't even know how to ask for them anymore.

I don't know how to date anymore. I went on a date after breaking up with my fiance (and afer months of therapy). He seemed different. I realized very soon after that he was the same as all the other guys I've been involved with (didn't return calls or texts, wouldn't let me speak, sex was about him - he told me to shut up ect). I broke up with him. While that's ok, fine, it hurt that I still made the same fucking mistake.

I don't know how to be a priority or how to voice my desires, how to be an equal partner in a relationship. My therapist told me to make me important, but that's like telling someone who didn't walk for year 'just walk'.

I don't know what I'm asking, maybe insight? thoughts on what is a healthy relationship? I guess I'm venting.

tl;dr - I have no fucking clue what to do after getting out of a series of toxic of relationships.

 

[HisArpy]

Spend some time being you. No dates but don't hide either. Go out with friends, meet new people, do new things in new places, but NO DATES.

Find people you like being around and explore yourself and your normal daily desires as if you are vanilla. You will find friends who might lead you to more friends and eventually you might find someone who is interested in YOU and not your kink.

It is all about YOU. Your kink is a part of you, but not all of you. Learn who you are. The rest will follow.

Edited here:

I have to add that I have no clue why some women can't seem to find a lasting relationship.

Think of it this way, Lit chat (or any chat room) is like high speed life on steroids. It's fast and you meet a lot of wankers who are only interested in themselves. Most women get overwhelmed at the unwanted attention.

But, you know, life is like that too. Women get mauled and propositioned all the time. Usually by low lifes who are only interested in a one-night-stand or someone they can abuse. What to do? Run away? Hide? Cry?

Try this: go someplace NICE. Dress NICE. Sit someplace and watch the people go by. You'll see some NICE LOOKING guys and occasionally one of them will look at you a bit too long. Try a smile or a nod in return. Maybe even a hello. If he's really interested he might smile or say hello back. If you're a regular, he might show up again. If so, continue talking to him and see where it leads. Who knows, he might turn out to be a nice guy who likes you.

You don't find fresh fish in a mud puddle or at the dump. Go fishing where the good fish are. If you're the type who is really into sports, go to a sports bar and learn to play whatever games they have. Kick their asses at the game. Laugh. Make friends. You'll soon spot the nice guys who go home alone.

This works no matter what your interests are.

 

[shmily]

Spend some time being you. No dates but don't hide either. Go out with friends, meet new people, do new things in new places, but NO DATES.

Find people you like being around and explore yourself and your normal daily desires as if you are vanilla. You will find friends who might lead you to more friends and eventually you might find someone who is interested in YOU and not your kink.

It is all about YOU. Your kink is a part of you, but not all of you. Learn who you are. The rest will follow.

Edited here:

I have to add that I have no clue why some women can't seem to find a lasting relationship.

Think of it this way, Lit chat (or any chat room) is like high speed life on steroids. It's fast and you meet a lot of wankers who are only interested in themselves. Most women get overwhelmed at the unwanted attention.

But, you know, life is like that too. Women get mauled and propositioned all the time. Usually by low lifes who are only interested in a one-night-stand or someone they can abuse. What to do? Run away? Hide? Cry?

Try this: go someplace NICE. Dress NICE. Sit someplace and watch the people go by. You'll see some NICE LOOKING guys and occasionally one of them will look at you a bit too long. Try a smile or a nod in return. Maybe even a hello. If he's really interested he might smile or say hello back. If you're a regular, he might show up again. If so, continue talking to him and see where it leads. Who knows, he might turn out to be a nice guy who likes you.

You don't find fresh fish in a mud puddle or at the dump. Go fishing where the good fish are. If you're the type who is really into sports, go to a sports bar and learn to play whatever games they have. Kick their asses at the game. Laugh. Make friends. You'll soon spot the nice guys who go home alone.

This works no matter what your interests are.

great advice, at 55 I still make those mistakes, but will try your theory.

 

[MeekMe]

I don't know how to date anymore. I went on a date after breaking up with my fiance (and afer months of therapy). He seemed different. I realized very soon after that he was the same as all the other guys I've been involved with (didn't return calls or texts, wouldn't let me speak, sex was about him - he told me to shut up ect). I broke up with him. While that's ok, fine, it hurt that I still made the same fucking mistake.

Congratulations! No, really congratulations. You've got the first step down. Now take that and use it. What about these guys appeals to you at first? Really look at this. Next, recognize that these are things you really don't want in a partner/relationship. It sucks to go through this, but you've actually narrowed down some things for yourself. You now know what you don't want and that's really important. You now have some tools to help you navigate passed the people that you don't need in your life.

I don't know how to be a priority or how to voice my desires, how to be an equal partner in a relationship. My therapist told me to make me important, but that's like telling someone who didn't walk for year 'just walk'.

I don't know what I'm asking, maybe insight? thoughts on what is a healthy relationship? I guess I'm venting.

Someone's healthy relationship is another's nightmare. What's good for me might be horrible for you. You have to look at what you need for your relationship to be healthy for you. You know what you don't want/need, so now it's time to figure out what you do need/want in your relationship. Someone that cares about you, listens to you and also wants to take a more dominant position in the relationship.

What else? Find out what you want out of a relationship and also what you have to offer.

tl;dr - I have no fucking clue what to do after getting out of a series of toxic of relationships.

No one really does. You dust yourself off and do life.

As a side note: going someplace "nice" is not a guarantee that you'll find quality people. I've been in a lot of different places and the "nice" places are full of jerkface assholes, too.

Trust yourself to know when someone isn't right for you and move on. You are already doing really great recognizing the pattern. And because you mentioned being submissive, I think it would be a good idea for you to hang around the BDSM board a bit and soak up some of that knowledge, it could help you further narrow down what you want out of a relationship.

 

[roseinthorns]

thanks to everyone who answered.

@ HisArpy: where do you think i met my fiance and other partners? dumps? i don't drink, don't go to bars. I don't do loud concerts or places. i dress nice. I work in an extremely conservative office, have a really good job. I'm the proof that 'nice' places also attracts assholes.

My friends have been key in helping me realize the cycle. I'm lucky that i wasn't in an abusive relationship, because they were the ones who clued me in. It took a long while, lol, before I accepted it. It's because of them that I broke it off, went to therapy and got help.

I just don't know how to make things about me. Stupid, I know. But I just don't.

@Meek Me: i wish I knew what is it about these kinds of guys that attracts me. I don't know - maybe I confuse their behaviour with confidence? Like that they make the first move? Eventually came to believe this is all I am worth? My therapist and I really dug deep, but no one answer - just several

What I want, i guess, is to be treated as if I mattered, as if I was important. Maybe not the most important, but that I am still someone important. I guess.

 

[MeekMe]

thanks to everyone who answered.

@ HisArpy: where do you think i met my fiance and other partners? dumps? i don't drink, don't go to bars. I don't do loud concerts or places. i dress nice. I work in an extremely conservative office, have a really good job. I'm the proof that 'nice' places also attracts assholes.

My friends have been key in helping me realize the cycle. I'm lucky that i wasn't in an abusive relationship, because they were the ones who clued me in. It took a long while, lol, before I accepted it. It's because of them that I broke it off, went to therapy and got help.

I just don't know how to make things about me. Stupid, I know. But I just don't.

@Meek Me: i wish I knew what is it about these kinds of guys that attracts me. I don't know - maybe I confuse their behaviour with confidence? Like that they make the first move? Eventually came to believe this is all I am worth? My therapist and I really dug deep, but no one answer - just several

What I want, i guess, is to be treated as if I mattered, as if I was important. Maybe not the most important, but that I am still someone important. I guess.

It's ok to not have all the answers now. I still don't have all of my answers either. People and relationships are complex. You're still moving to a good place by taking steps away from toxic relationships. It's probably a huge blow to think you've found someone decent only to have the mask ripped off. And I think maybe you need to know that it isn't just you picking jerks out of the crowd. Jerks are everywhere and you're bound to run into a few. I know I've had my share of bad relationships.

You also don't have to find the right guy right now (or maybe you do? σ^_^; ). Sometimes we stumble into great people without even trying. Perhaps that confidence you tend to see is really just arrogance? They turn out to be more selfish than dominant?

I can't fix your self esteem for you (I'm saying this because of this: "Eventually came to believe this is all I am worth?"). If I could I would have thoroughly fixed my own a long time ago. I can say that over the years I've gotten better. It's rare for me to openly admit all the great things I have to offer, but I'm kind of terrific sometimes. Perhaps you should take some time to look at how great you are and what you bring into a relationship. Maybe knowing and appreciating what you bring to the table could help attract people that also appreciate those things and want to reciprocate them. I'm no expert, I'm just offering things that have been helpful for myself. I hope that something here is helpful for you.

I found this nifty link on arrogance and confidence, thought it might be a good place to start with recognizing behavior you don't like.

 

[NOIRTRASH]

I'm a retired psychotherapist and married 43 years.

I was a handsome construction worker when she met me, and the 8 years I went to college were a serious ordeal for her. And she made my life hell to punish me for spoiling the dream. Girls have dreams that include their relationships. Guys have dreams that don't include their relationships. College caused all kinds of trouble for me. Her friends and family hated the idea, too. It was like I became tranny or a drunk or wife beater. Everyone abused me for simply wanting to better my income and prospects. She's never declined the prosperity college brought her. She cut off the sex the day I graduated. And after a while I left her for 5 years.

In that time she met some real mother fuckers, and got her mind right about me. The greatest harm I did was make her more money. The others came from the factory with all the problems the OP complains of. What I learned was, there are no sane women out there. A guy can have a 9 inch dick, a new car, make good money, and treat her ma like a queen, and the little woman wont be happy. Women are never happy.

I advise my grandsons: find one who fucks when you want sex, cooks when youre hungry, and bathes when necessary. Give her plenty of money, stay outta trouble, leave her friends alone, stay outta her family's bull shit, and be reasonable. Worry about your cum, and let her worry about her own cum.

 

[cookiecat]

You left the relationships. You're smart enough to see that. You mention friends who helped you see this. You're likeable enough to have friends. You have a job. Another good thing. You're on Lit asking advice so clearly you're smart enough to be here.

See? Several things to hang on to that are good on you.

I actually have no advice for you on how to flip your switch here. At least you are self aware.

The thing I want to point out is related to your comment on being submissive / bdsm. Your issues with the inability to speak up for your needs should have nothing to do with bdsm or identifying as submissive.

Being submissive does not equal being passive or the clichéd "doormat." Conversely, being dominant doesn't automatically mean a guy is an asshole.

BDSM and thinking of yourself as submissive shouldn't really be a factor in figuring out why you pick the wrong guys. You say BDSM makes you feel alive. That's a good thing. Pleasing your partner to the point you can no longer voice what you want is not BDSM.

I say this as a submissive woman who's been in relationships with assholes. I got all tangled up with thinking submission meant I had no voice, I couldn't express my desires. Really though, being in a D/s relationship isnt different than any other when it comes to respect, trust, being kind, yada yada. You still get to say you deserve a nice guy who sees you as deserving..

You mention trying to figure out what puts you on equal ground is like telling someone who hasn't walked for a year to just walk. Well... how does a person who hasn't walked start? Maybe they crawl. Maybe baby steps. Therapy. They start slow. Use assistance. Seems to me this is what you're doing.

 

[HisArpy]

@ HisArpy: where do you think i met my fiance and other partners? dumps? i don't drink, don't go to bars. I don't do loud concerts or places. i dress nice. I work in an extremely conservative office, have a really good job. I'm the proof that 'nice' places also attracts assholes.

I'm not saying that nice places don't have jerks. If that's what you got out of my post, I'm sorry that I didn't say it better.

I guess what I was trying to say is that if your 'lifestyle and friendship circles' tend to bring jerks to your door, then find a different circle. And, maybe different friends.

And, it doesn't have to be a bar, or a nightclub. It could be the library, or a museum, or the kayaking center, or the dog park, or wherever. Find places where the people who go there care about something other than themselves. People who tend to be able to care about other things seem to spread that into their people relationships as well.

 

[nfrrdscnnr1]

not easy

It isn't easy being you is it? Who was it, do you think, that taught you that you do not matter? Can you identify the pattern in your early life that led you to that conclusion? How did they teach you that lesson? Do you remember the words they used? Do those words make sense to you now?
My advice is to relax about the business of deciding what you want. Perhaps it will help to think about what you were taught, the words that were used in that teaching, and whether that person was correct. You are right to realize that you you don't know what you want if you were taught that you do not matter.
The person who taught you that you do not matter was abusive as sure as God made little green apples and deserves a special place in a BAD place.

 

[luci_smith]

I think it's incredibly difficult to really know if a relationship is for you until you're neck deep in it. I think assholes are generally charming in the beginning and it's not your fault for not recognizing them in the beginning, it's to your credit that you try to create a relationship and even more so that you recognize when it's abusive or just not your thing and you leave it. You've had a string of assholes but that doesn't mean the error is yours. You just haven't found a non-asshole yet. I hear you. I'm in the same boat. We're good people. We give people chances. We try to find the good in them. Sometimes we're right, sometimes we're wrong. I sat in a relationship for almost 4 years and still can't seem to shake the dregs of a true sociopathic asshole. I'm learning though. Seems like you're way ahead of things. Most important, love yourself. Be enough for you. And a partner will show up, or not, but you'll still be good just as you are.

 

[roseinthorns]

Thanks everyone for your suggestions.

@MeekMe: thanks for the link, it is really helpful. I have been confusing arrogance with confidence and its something i've noticed i've been doing. I need to work on that.

@Noirtrash: i have no clue what your experience has to do with my issue.

@cookiecat: thanks so much for your thoughts. I know that submissive isn't doormat, i guess i was so used to putting my ex-fiance and previous boyfriends before me that it got into a habit. i just have to figure out how to break that habit lol.

@nfrrdscnnr1: i wouldn't call him abusive. i was able to leave, he did not scare me. yeah, he did push me down, but i don't think its abusive. asshole behavior, definitely.

@luci_smith: thaks for your story; it is hard to know how sucky a relationship is until your really deep in it. its the working on myself and loving myself that im slowing figuring out.

 

[nfrrdscnnr1]

thanks

Thanks for the response and thoughts. Abuse may be emotional or psychological. Your description of how you were treated may qualify. But that isn't the important thing. The important thing is you, your reaction to the details of the relationship, and how you thought and now think of yourself in that context.
If one begins a relationship with the feeling or thought "I do NOT matter." and the other person isn't into you as much as you are into them, one is open to unfortunate results.
How did you come to understand that you do not matter? Does that teaching serve you well?

 

[NOIRTRASH]

Thanks everyone for your suggestions.

@MeekMe: thanks for the link, it is really helpful. I have been confusing arrogance with confidence and its something i've noticed i've been doing. I need to work on that.

@Noirtrash: i have no clue what your experience has to do with my issue.

@cookiecat: thanks so much for your thoughts. I know that submissive isn't doormat, i guess i was so used to putting my ex-fiance and previous boyfriends before me that it got into a habit. i just have to figure out how to break that habit lol.

@nfrrdscnnr1: i wouldn't call him abusive. i was able to leave, he did not scare me. yeah, he did push me down, but i don't think its abusive. asshole behavior, definitely.

@luci_smith: thaks for your story; it is hard to know how sucky a relationship is until your really deep in it. its the working on myself and loving myself that im slowing figuring out.

I use confusion technique to slip big ideas into small minds. Your hostility shows me it worked again.

 

[FGB]

First woman GO get some fucking HELP!

You were damaged in that relationship and probably before. Study up on what a healthy relationship is because you sure as hell do not know. Also see a therapist!
You will need the help and guidance.

 

[NightL]

My therapist told me to...

First woman GO get some fucking HELP!

You were damaged in that relationship and probably before. Study up on what a health relationship is because you sure as hell do not know. Also see a therapist!
You will need the help and guidance.

perhaps read the first post carefully. roseinthorns certainly has made it clear what she does not want and provided an indication of what she does out of a relationship but not sure how to achieve that yet.

What is "healthy" FGB? Who defines that?

After a long hard look at myself, and at my last three relationships, the thing all in common was: me.

...but having BDSM in my life makes me alive.

I have no fucking clue what to do after getting out of a series of toxic of relationships.

Acknowledging the commonality would be important, continuing with the same life patterns after that awareness foolish.

Change the patterns - and perhaps the answer is in what you have already written.

I'm submissive. When my college boyfriend and me were playing and I came to the conclusion that this is what I like, I was made ashamed of who I am.

...but having BDSM in my life makes me alive.

Find an environment where you can meet people who will have a greater understanding of BDSM and accept as well as respect "I'm submissive".

Join a BDSM club. Will give you the opportunity to get to know people in a safe environment. Take it quietly and basically it will provide you the opportunity to choose the right fit. Open the door to friendship first - confirm the boundaries of that before opening up to a greater relationship. Get to know the environment the person sits within their friendship circle. Do you like the people in the greater circle? How well do they respect/like the person of interest to you.

Get references - seriously do. I'm sure you wouldn't blindly spend money on a significant item without making enquiries first, so if you can't find anyone to step up for the person you should surely question why?

The pathway to a relationship has a far greater likelihood of failure if respect of a solid friendship is not gained first.

 

[LadyVer]

Decide what you don't want in a relationship--what your boundaries are. Maybe look for ways you can get to know people without seeing them as potential relationships. IDK--relationships are hard to navigate regardless of age. Sounds like you've made a big step in realizing what isn't working, and that is a good thing. Good luck!

 

[FGB]

NightL

Lots of people who like myself who has lived through unhealthy relationships and have learned that in a healthy relationship there is a middle ground in give and take...

This gives on a fair ideal of what a healthy relationship is made of but it will not give a complete concept.

http://www.leapsf.org/pdf/healthy-unhealthy-checklist-eng.pdf

 

[Que]

It's a shot, and I thought I would take it. Got nothing to lose, right?

takes a deep breath

I recently left a toxic relationship. We were engaged, and while it was not abusive, it was not healthy. I had to beg for phonecalls, he gave me the silent treatment for weeks on end, and I was not a priority. After 3 years, I called the engagement (and the wedding) off. I new I deserved better.

After a long hard look at myself, and at my last three relationships, the thing all in common was: me. I seemed to fall for emotionally unavailable assholes. I got stuck in a rut where I dated guys who didn't seem to think that I was/am important, where if something happened, I'd be left alone (i had a series of deaths in the family and when i reached out, was ignored or he said that he was too busy).

Here's the extra clincher: I'm submissive. When my college boyfriend and me were playing and I came to the conclusion that this is what I like, I was made ashamed of who I am. It's something I don't hide, and it is something that is a part of me. I'm okay with vanilla, but having BDSM in my life makes me alive. I like pleasing my partners. I really do. The problem is that I got so used to putting my desires on hold that i don't even know how to ask for them anymore.

I don't know how to date anymore. I went on a date after breaking up with my fiance (and afer months of therapy). He seemed different. I realized very soon after that he was the same as all the other guys I've been involved with (didn't return calls or texts, wouldn't let me speak, sex was about him - he told me to shut up ect). I broke up with him. While that's ok, fine, it hurt that I still made the same fucking mistake.

I don't know how to be a priority or how to voice my desires, how to be an equal partner in a relationship. My therapist told me to make me important, but that's like telling someone who didn't walk for year 'just walk'.

I don't know what I'm asking, maybe insight? thoughts on what is a healthy relationship? I guess I'm venting.

tl;dr - I have no fucking clue what to do after getting out of a series of toxic of relationships.

Self-awareness is a good start. You seem to realize that the common denominator in all these toxic relationship is you chose all of them.

simply going out and looking for a healthier one is probably not going to work you're going to have to work on you. What sort of work that needs to entail is going to depend on you and your therapist.

 

[CutieMouse]

My relationship-picker got better when I stumbled into the concept of "practice relationships". (Invented by yours truly.) No agendas, take men at face value (if he said it was a bad idea to fall in love with him, I believed him), and make my own rules. In some ways, all I did was date like a guy... confused the hell out of a few people. lol

Anyway!

I developed friendships with men who respected my boundaries, and encouraged me to believe in myself. In the process, I figured out what I did and didn't want/need from men. I "practiced" relationships. I still got tangled up with men who weren't a good fit, but the amount of time I spent in those relationships got shorter and shorter, as I practiced.

Every time I figured out something new that was a good relationship skill, I focused on it until I was comfortable. Then I'd add another. Then another. As I developed those boundaries and skills, the sort of man I attracted changed. Assholes started avoiding me, because I saw their bullshit and called them on it. The type of men I wanted in my life started showing up, because they recognized the work I'd put in[to myself].

All that stuff above is just basic functional adult relationship (post abuse) stuff. When one throws D/s into the mix, it can get a bit messy.

It's actually very common for submissives (especially women) to mistake assholes for dominants. All the more reason to sort out the healthy relationship skill stuff mentioned above. Submitting to an asshole isn't really submitting; it's mindless martyrdom.

 

[jehoram]

What CutieMouse said.

An old man told me: If you don't want to catch trout, don't fish in the trout streams." I think that might apply to your situation.

Another wise person said "Experience is valuable, because it allows you to recognize your mistakes when you make them again." So you're in good company, Rose.

 

[NOIRTRASH]

Say what you want about me but I been married 43 years. My first. I been turned down by almost every woman on Earth but this one likes me.

Here are the essential rules to keep a good woman around.

1. She rules the house....period. The purple paint in the bathroom hurt my eyes, but it was her bathroom.

2. Do your duty to her no matter what. Even if she fucks a bus load of homeless people, take care of her till the divorce is final.

3. Spare her the promises when you fuck up, give her a cash bond she can spend if you fuck up again. If she's worth a fortune she's worth a 25K cash bond to guarantee your good intentions.

4.She rules the kids. You pay the bills.

5.Never bad mouth her family. Evenn when she swears the whole crew are mutant mother fuckers. Stay quiet and hug her.

 

[roseinthorns]

thank you again for all your suggestions. I've talked a few of them with my therapist, and I am starting to do things that I want, which is a little scary but it's been fun. And that's what I'm doing: having fun on my terms.

This site is good, but I am finding that i am falling in the same patterns. Maybe a distance is good.

@FGB: I am in therapy, as I have mentioned. And what makes you think that I don't know what a healthy relationship is? I made mistakes, I got into a bad pattern, but you are just assuming that I am totally clueless and mansplaining without giving a useful suggestion. Which, by the way, is exactly my ex did.

@NightL: thank you. The changing of patterns is very hard, so I am doing things that I have put off because of he didn't like it. I'm not sure if I want to join a club or not, as my work takes up a lot of time. When I am ready, I will definitely look into it.

@LadyVer: your point to just meeting people is something I have to work on.

@CutieMouse: thanks for sharing your experience. I like the idea of figuring out one thing at a time and working on one skill. Too much is just too overwhelming lol. I guess I tried to change too much too soon and it just didn't work because I did the same thing. But one skill until I am comfortable and repeat is something I can do and is different, so who knows? It might be that change.

@Noirtrash: again, you are talking about something else entirely. It's like you like seeing your words, regardless of the topic.

 

[PrymeNumeric]

Wow... what a courageous post. I hear your journey and based on the responses, you are not the only one that has walked it.

I wanted to affirm you in having the courage to leave. It's hard. I know.

I was really impressed by this statement you made:

"What I want, i guess, is to be treated as if I mattered, as if I was important. Maybe not the most important, but that I am still someone important."

One thing I am doing in my healing journey is treating myself in a way that shows I matter. That I am important to myself. Because that is how others will treat me and that is what they cue upon.

I hope that you can cultivate and develop within you a sense of deep and genuine, healthy self love. Because we all matter. Because we are all important. And the fact that you heard your inner self call to leave and the courage you demonstrated in leaving a false love was the first step. May your journey be one of discovery and renewal.

 

[clistenovena]

@Noirtrash: again, you are talking about something else entirely. It's like you like seeing your words, regardless of the topic.

Nailed it.

Fix you. The rest will fall into place. Mostly. You might have to do a bit of rearranging now and again, but getting yourself in place is the best first step.

Best regards.