Dealing with it

[unme430]

Just some ramblings on my part, not sure what I expect from it all. Been married to the same gal for 31 years, and have for the most part, loved every second of it. When we were first married she was a real fire brand with sex, enjoying it as much as I did. But now, as with many marraiges, that has changed. For the past three years her desire has pretty much tanked and is now at pretty much zero. I get that as we all age, we get mellower, slow a bit, and tend to being more intimate rather than animal sex all the time. But lately, she for the most part avoids even touching me, a light kiss goodnight is as far as it goes.

She claims it is stress with her job, a chef at a new restuarant. To make her life easier I do all of the housework, all of the laundry, make the meals so all she has to worry about is herself. When she gets home, I have dinner warmed up, glass of wine etc. I rub her feet, crack her back, listen to, and hear, all she has to say.

Every night I go to bed hard, wake up every morning harder. No acknowledgment, no conversation, nothing. And yes, I've tried to discuss it (quite night, glass of wine, hot tub) it turned into angry statements of "this is who I am, I'm not changing."

I have zero desire to end our relationship, but then agin can't imagine a sexless life for the next 20+ years.

Sorry for the ramble, just had to get that off my chest.

 

[eyerami]

Just some ramblings on my part, not sure what I expect from it all. Been married to the same gal for 31 years, and have for the most part, loved every second of it. When we were first married she was a real fire brand with sex, enjoying it as much as I did. But now, as with many marraiges, that has changed. For the past three years her desire has pretty much tanked and is now at pretty much zero. I get that as we all age, we get mellower, slow a bit, and tend to being more intimate rather than animal sex all the time. But lately, she for the most part avoids even touching me, a light kiss goodnight is as far as it goes.

She claims it is stress with her job, a chef at a new restuarant. To make her life easier I do all of the housework, all of the laundry, make the meals so all she has to worry about is herself. When she gets home, I have dinner warmed up, glass of wine etc. I rub her feet, crack her back, listen to, and hear, all she has to say.

Every night I go to bed hard, wake up every morning harder. No acknowledgment, no conversation, nothing. And yes, I've tried to discuss it (quite night, glass of wine, hot tub) it turned into angry statements of "this is who I am, I'm not changing."

I have zero desire to end our relationship, but then agin can't imagine a sexless life for the next 20+ years.

Sorry for the ramble, just had to get that off my chest.

That's nice...

Oprah not taking your texts anymore?

 

[NOIRTRASH]

She has a honey.

 

[smoothg103rd]

First off, she wants a real man and not a house wife. Secondly you shouldn't have to have a conversation with your wife for sex. That's your wife, whip your dick out and put it in her mouth. Thirdly she probably fucking a big dick nigga named Jamal, she doesn't want you to stick your dick in and get lost, Bermuda Triangle. Maybe you should have a affair, guarantee you she would give you some pussy then.

 

[neci]

talking to us won't help. you have to talk to her.

 

[Darbhinder]

Jamal is swahili for retarded paper gangster.

 

[lovetoread]

talking to us won't help. you have to talk to her.

yea but talking to her wont help him find something on the side

 

[neci]

yea but talking to her wont help him find something on the side

you never know, until you ask.

 

[neci]

people are funny.

 

[smoothg103rd]

Jamal is swahili for retarded paper gangster.

Dickheads

 

[bronzeage]

Just some ramblings on my part, not sure what I expect from it all. Been married to the same gal for 31 years, and have for the most part, loved every second of it. When we were first married she was a real fire brand with sex, enjoying it as much as I did. But now, as with many marraiges, that has changed. For the past three years her desire has pretty much tanked and is now at pretty much zero. I get that as we all age, we get mellower, slow a bit, and tend to being more intimate rather than animal sex all the time. But lately, she for the most part avoids even touching me, a light kiss goodnight is as far as it goes.

She claims it is stress with her job, a chef at a new restuarant. To make her life easier I do all of the housework, all of the laundry, make the meals so all she has to worry about is herself. When she gets home, I have dinner warmed up, glass of wine etc. I rub her feet, crack her back, listen to, and hear, all she has to say.

Every night I go to bed hard, wake up every morning harder. No acknowledgment, no conversation, nothing. And yes, I've tried to discuss it (quite night, glass of wine, hot tub) it turned into angry statements of "this is who I am, I'm not changing."

I have zero desire to end our relationship, but then agin can't imagine a sexless life for the next 20+ years.

Sorry for the ramble, just had to get that off my chest.

It's really simple. If you don't want a sexless life for the next 20+years, get out now. There isn't enough wine or scented candles to make a woman want sex, if she doesn't want it. But wait, there's more.

Sex is just not that bad, even at it's worst. What she has said is that she is not willing to endure a few minutes of discomfort in order to please you.
That is hostility, which is your real problem. She probably doesn't want to break up either, simply because of the hassles and the hardships, but she can make her life a little more comfortable at your expense.

Once you face the fact that you are living with a woman who does not like you anymore, things will become clearer.

 

[Bookishleigh]

Just some ramblings on my part, not sure what I expect from it all. Been married to the same gal for 31 years, and have for the most part, loved every second of it. When we were first married she was a real fire brand with sex, enjoying it as much as I did. But now, as with many marraiges, that has changed. For the past three years her desire has pretty much tanked and is now at pretty much zero. I get that as we all age, we get mellower, slow a bit, and tend to being more intimate rather than animal sex all the time. But lately, she for the most part avoids even touching me, a light kiss goodnight is as far as it goes.

She claims it is stress with her job, a chef at a new restuarant. To make her life easier I do all of the housework, all of the laundry, make the meals so all she has to worry about is herself. When she gets home, I have dinner warmed up, glass of wine etc. I rub her feet, crack her back, listen to, and hear, all she has to say.

Every night I go to bed hard, wake up every morning harder. No acknowledgment, no conversation, nothing. And yes, I've tried to discuss it (quite night, glass of wine, hot tub) it turned into angry statements of "this is who I am, I'm not changing."

I have zero desire to end our relationship, but then agin can't imagine a sexless life for the next 20+ years.

Sorry for the ramble, just had to get that off my chest.

First, some of the General Board trolls are not sympathetic to the plight of others.

As someone who was also married to an individual who became basically asexual I understand your frustration. I tried everything to remedy the situation, including counseling which he would not attend. I know you said you have tried to talk about it; however, I couldn't tell if that meant you tried to talk about it AFTER your attempts (ie glass of wine, hot tub, etc). When going through my dilemma, my counselor recommended telling my then spouse in advance that it was a topic I wanted to address without fighting and to then pick a date/time to discuss it - away from kids (if you have them), distractions, etc. By telling them in advance in a calm and collected fashion, it allowed us both to gather our thoughts.

Perhaps not the answer you were looking for. But maybe if you guys sit down and talk calmly you can come up with at least the start of a solution.

 

[Bookishleigh]

yea but talking to her wont help him find something on the side

Whenever I see these types of posts I always hope it's not someone who is basically looking for permission to cheat. But I also hope for world peace, free books for the rest of my life, and a variety of other unlikely events.

 

[raindancer]

Damn. Bronze.

I, personally, would need more info. about her age, etc. It could be hormonal.

Or what Bronze said.

 

[hashtag45]

What's not entirely clear to me is whether it's all restricted / or not just to the sexual part of their marriage.
How are they getting on otherwise? Are they still close / real partners or has that part suffered as well over those last 3 years?

Every night I go to bed hard, wake up every morning harder. No acknowledgment, no conversation, nothing.

 

[bronzeage]

Damn. Bronze.

I, personally, would need more info. about her age, etc. It could be hormonal.

Or what Bronze said.

The main reason women(men, too) in a long term relationship lose interest in sex is fatigue. Thirty-something is not so bad, but going into 40 and 50 something is different. There's only 24 hours in a day and everybody needs clean underwear in the morning, so the energy which might go for sex, gets used up on laundry.

Our OP say he's already taken a share of the house work, so that option's been taken.

Sex is the cement of a relationship, and that means a lot more than sticking the penis in the vagina kind of sex. Sex is intimacy. It says, "I want you close to me, because you are the most important thing in my world." A declaration of "I don't do that anymore," means intimacy is no longer a priority. That's the real problem.

As I said in the previous post, sex is just not that bad. Suppose a woman said to her husband(PYL), "I like to wash the dishes. It's a quiet time. It relaxes me and relieves the stress of the day. I would like it if you would wash them with me." Her husband could refuse, or worse, buy an automatic dishwasher. Or, he could realize that putting his hands in hot soapy water for 15 or 20 minutes is a small thing to do, and afterwards, all he needs is a towel and everything is just like it was before they started.

 

[Que]

She has a honey.

Not out of the realm of the possible. She's got a new work environment that means new potential partners and it also is very common for cheating partners to project anger and irritation on to their partner Suddenly It's the non cheating partners fault.

First off, she wants a real man and not a house wife. Secondly you shouldn't have to have a conversation with your wife for sex. That's your wife, whip your dick out and put it in her mouth. Thirdly she probably fucking a big dick nigga named Jamal, she doesn't want you to stick your dick in and get lost, Bermuda Triangle. Maybe you should have a affair, guarantee you she would give you some pussy then.

Smooth is not wrong here. Everyone male or female loves the idea of having a living domestic to pick up a few clean cook and take care of the domestic chores that nobody really likes doing. Men will fuck the maid women rarely fuck the butler.

In our modern society it's popular to suggest two men that they pick up the slack so that now they're tired wife isn't has the energy for sex. It's absolute bullshit. It never works. There was a study done with 10,000 respondents the idea being to prove that if men would just take the load off they would get laid more often; the study proved exactly the opposite: guys that come home from work kick their shoes off and wait for dinner or the guys to get laid.

It doesn't matter whether it's biologically ingrained, or it's some sort of social construct, the bottom line is that doing traditional women's roles is emasculating and being emasculated is not sexy.

Bronzes clarification is right on the money. Keep in mind that when one partner is not pulling their weight they know this and they feel bad about themselves and they tend to project that on the other person and it builds resentment.

If you want someone to love you,give them the opportunity to do things for you. It builds a sense of investment. People appreciate things that they work for.

If you want to become invested in someone else then you do things for them. Your emotional investment in her, because you are being thoughtful and trying to do things for her, is increasing. Her emotional investment in you is decreasing and her resentment is increasing.

At the moment your wife is not sexually attracted to you. That is the hard cold fact. That does not mean that she is not capable of sexual feelings it simply means that you are not sexy to her. There are no horny women on the planet that are never too tired to fuck if they are actually allows. Women will do without sleep to get laid just the same as men when they are excited. The things you're doing you not excite women.

Look at it this way if you met someone in the bar and you told her you know what I am an amazing housekeeper what do you say you and I move in together and let's just see how it works there's no woman in the world that would take you home with her on that basis. On the other hand feed her a line of bull about some Macho thing that you like doing and she's going to think man this is a dangerous man just the kind of man I want in my bed I don't care what it is rock climbing working on cars.

Smooth is not at all wrong about the fact that if she suspected that you were capable of having an affair she would be much more interested in you. Right now she doesn't think anyone wants you because you're acting like a guy who has no options. Be a guy with options that doesn't mean you have to take the options but be out there looking like a guy with option. Flirt it's great practice you're going to need it when she finally has an affair with a line cook at the restaurant and leaves.

Read a Athol Kaye, his site is married man sex life.

It's really simple. If you don't want a sexless life for the next 20+years, get out now. There isn't enough wine or scented candles to make a woman want sex, if she doesn't want it. But wait, there's more.

Sex is just not that bad, even at it's worst. What she has said is that she is not willing to endure a few minutes of discomfort in order to please you.
That is hostility, which is your real problem. She probably doesn't want to break up either, simply because of the hassles and the hardships, but she can make her life a little more comfortable at your expense.

Once you face the fact that you are living with a woman who does not like you anymore, things will become clearer.

Well I think she likes him as a friend. But you are absolutely right she does not like him as a romantic Prospect. The whole idea that this woman is overworked is not possible because she's out there dynamic enough to get a job as a head chef which is something that I presume she's passionate about. She's not passionate about him.

Damn. Bronze.

I, personally, would need more info. about her age, etc. It could be hormonal.

Or what Bronze said.

Everything he's described as the kind of a man that women love to have as a friend. You could be right in that her libido could be flagging, but postmenopausal women married to attractive guys who they are well aware could be picking up some young chippe tomorrow, tend to put out... and enjoy doing so.

Bronze is right that she isn't even willing to consider it, and is quite defensive about her stance. It doesn't sound like he's even saying well maybe another time. It's very typical in these situations that they withholding partner who almost always has some sort of resentment going on is flabbergasted that they haven't had sex in two and a half three months where the person who wants sex is well aware of the days and how they go by. Here they've actually been able to have a conversation about it so she very well knows that they aren't having sex and she's 100% okay with that while knowing that he's one hundred percent not okay with that

 

[Saint Peter]

I always cry at weddings.

 

[Conager]

^^^TL; DR,Que.

If a man could earn a blowjob from a couple of sink-fulls of dishes or two or three loads of laundry, no woman in America would even remember how to do those chores.

 

[Stewart_Pidd]

Just some ramblings on my part, not sure what I expect from it all. Been married to the same gal for 31 years, and have for the most part, loved every second of it. When we were first married she was a real fire brand with sex, enjoying it as much as I did. But now, as with many marraiges, that has changed. For the past three years her desire has pretty much tanked and is now at pretty much zero. I get that as we all age, we get mellower, slow a bit, and tend to being more intimate rather than animal sex all the time. But lately, she for the most part avoids even touching me, a light kiss goodnight is as far as it goes.

She claims it is stress with her job, a chef at a new restuarant. To make her life easier I do all of the housework, all of the laundry, make the meals so all she has to worry about is herself. When she gets home, I have dinner warmed up, glass of wine etc. I rub her feet, crack her back, listen to, and hear, all she has to say.

Every night I go to bed hard, wake up every morning harder. No acknowledgment, no conversation, nothing. And yes, I've tried to discuss it (quite night, glass of wine, hot tub) it turned into angry statements of "this is who I am, I'm not changing."

I have zero desire to end our relationship, but then agin can't imagine a sexless life for the next 20+ years.

Sorry for the ramble, just had to get that off my chest.

do you have small hands bro?

Stew

 

[Fata Morgana]

STEW!!

 

[Saint Peter]

Just like the herpes!

 

[Fata Morgana]

Just like the herpes!

Life is good again Pierre. Dance with me!

 

[Saint Peter]

you know i can dance

 

[Fata Morgana]

you know i can dance

Come on Pete.

http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a97/foxkitsune/dcd_zps6df07qgy.gif