Endless Curiosity

[AKentuckyLady]

Today's question was submitted by one of our sexy male Litsters:

Quote:
What do you thing about married Listers who keep their Lit activities hidden from their spouse?

Some people may accept such Listers. Others may feel that simply by being on Lit, they are cheating. Others may feel it is only cheating if they do certain things that cross the line, whatever their boundary is.

It is something I wrestle with, as I am married and my wife has no idea. My one secret from her. I have my own line, that I will never cross, but I know others have a different opinion of what the boundaries should be.
As a married Litster, I am curious about this as well.

I was married when I first came to Lit and started flirting. What the difference is for me: my marriage was over, I just had not figured out a way to get out of it but I knew I was going to. There was no reconciliation that was going to happen. My ex was depressed and I felt guilt for wanting out of the marriage. I was actually afraid he was going to harm himself once he knew I wanted a divorce and I felt guilt for wanting out when he was in a bad place in his own life. So to save my own sanity I turned to chat and flirting. It all ended well, but not without some drama.

There are so many variations of what is cheating and what is not, all I can honestly do is give my opinion. Yes, opinion. You may not agree with me, and that's fine. This is what *I* think after being on Lit daily for almost a year.

You're cheating if:

- Your spouse/significant other does not know you're on Lit and would be upset if they knew.
- Your spouse/significant other knows you're here but does not know you're chatting/flirting. "But honey, I'm just reading the stories/looking at pictures!"
- Your spouse/significant other knows you're here and chatting/flirting but does not know you're engaging in cyber/shared fantasies/phonesex/whatever you're doing.
- Your spouse/signficant other knows you're doing all of the above, but not that you've become emotionally attached to someone online, up to saying "I love you."

Basically, if you're doing anything here that your spouse would be upset with, you're cheating. You're failing at the whole reason you got married in the first place: trust, communication, respect, honesty. Those things may not exist anymore and you're staying in the marriage for a multitude of reasons: kids, job, community opinion, whatever.

And beyond all of that, if you start having feelings for someone here that conflicts with your relationship in real life, you're emotionally cheating. And yes, that's considered adultery in most courts of law these days.

I don't judge anyone for keeping Lit from a spouse. Every one of us has a reason for being here, and everyone has a different reason for not leaving the marriage or relationship they're currently in. This can fill a gap and does quite well for a lot of people. And as long as you're honest with the person you are chatting with or doing whatever with here, and you can say that you've made it clear that you are only here for online fun and have no intention of ever leaving your SO at the beginning of the relationship, then fine.

If you hide your status here and let someone become emotionally attached to you, when you know there is no future and you let it continue, then you're an asshole.

However, if you fuck up...if you are stupid and leave your browser open, you have emails sent to the same email that you use for real life stuff, if you're getting texts and phone calls on the family plan, and your SO finds out, and then involves me...

...I'm throwing you under the bus. I will not protect you. I will not defend you. I will not ignore the woman that is contacting me, asking me why my phone number is on your phone bill or my email is in your inbox. If you can't protect yourself, don't expect me to do it.

This has happened to me twice. I've been contacted by the wife or girlfriend of someone that I've been chatting to due to some idiot not thinking things through and being careful. And both times, I've told that woman everything that has happened and has gone on between me and this man. In one case it was nothing more than a two-hour chat that had nothing to do with sex, and she thought I was having an affair with him in real life; in the other it was a lot more than just chat. But both women were completely devastated because they DID NOT KNOW.

Just because you lie, doesn't mean I have to. Just because you hide, doesn't mean I will when confronted by someone that is blindsided by your deceit. That's not my job and I'm the one that wakes up at 4am with my inner mind taunting me with guilt and self-incrimination.

So, at the end of the day, is it cheating?

Yes, if your spouse or SO does not know.

 

[Azuldrgon]

What do you thing about married Listers who keep their Lit activities hidden from their spouse?

-I am a married Litster.
-My wife is not on Lit.

Here is the difference. She knows what I do and approves of it. The folks who keep Lit secret from their spouses feel like they have to hide something. I don't think all Litsters in this situation are bad per se, but there's a reason they keep it hidden. Whether it's a need for something they are not getting in their marriage or just a place to hang out. I do not think all people in this situation are seeking to cheat on their spouses.

The thing is that they need to remember to keep a boundary. My boundary is that I cannot do anything physical with a Litster without her consent. She is okay with this and we communicate regularly so she remembers that she is still my #1 regardless. I also let play partners know before anything gets deep that I am married, I am not divorcing my spouse and that she comes first. This avoids the thought that someone is going to steal them from my spouse.

I may be the exception to the norm, but to me the real life relationship is paramount. Lit relationships are serious and need care, but at the same time they are volatile by nature meaning that they may not last long in some cases.

 

[Azuldrgon]

*looks at Kentucky's post*
And what she said.

Kentucky

 

[AKentuckyLady]

What do you thing about married Listers who keep their Lit activities hidden from their spouse?

Lit relationships are serious and need care, but at the same time they are volatile by nature meaning that they may not last long in some cases.

^^ This. Absolutely this. Perfectly said, Azul

 

[ydahecnot]

AKL had it in a nutshell. Anyone care to expand on that?

 

[Girly_girl]

I was married when I first came to Lit and started flirting. What the difference is for me: my marriage was over, I just had not figured out a way to get out of it but I knew I was going to. There was no reconciliation that was going to happen. My ex was depressed and I felt guilt for wanting out of the marriage. I was actually afraid he was going to harm himself once he knew I wanted a divorce and I felt guilt for wanting out when he was in a bad place in his own life. So to save my own sanity I turned to chat and flirting. It all ended well, but not without some drama.

There are so many variations of what is cheating and what is not, all I can honestly do is give my opinion. Yes, opinion. You may not agree with me, and that's fine. This is what *I* think after being on Lit daily for almost a year.

You're cheating if:

- Your spouse/significant other does not know you're on Lit and would be upset if they knew.
- Your spouse/significant other knows you're here but does not know you're chatting/flirting. "But honey, I'm just reading the stories/looking at pictures!"
- Your spouse/significant other knows you're here and chatting/flirting but does not know you're engaging in cyber/shared fantasies/phonesex/whatever you're doing.
- Your spouse/signficant other knows you're doing all of the above, but not that you've become emotionally attached to someone online, up to saying "I love you."

Basically, if you're doing anything here that your spouse would be upset with, you're cheating. You're failing at the whole reason you got married in the first place: trust, communication, respect, honesty. Those things may not exist anymore and you're staying in the marriage for a multitude of reasons: kids, job, community opinion, whatever.

And beyond all of that, if you start having feelings for someone here that conflicts with your relationship in real life, you're emotionally cheating. And yes, that's considered adultery in most courts of law these days.

I don't judge anyone for keeping Lit from a spouse. Every one of us has a reason for being here, and everyone has a different reason for not leaving the marriage or relationship they're currently in. This can fill a gap and does quite well for a lot of people. And as long as you're honest with the person you are chatting with or doing whatever with here, and you can say that you've made it clear that you are only here for online fun and have no intention of ever leaving your SO at the beginning of the relationship, then fine.

If you hide your status here and let someone become emotionally attached to you, when you know there is no future and you let it continue, then you're an asshole.

However, if you fuck up...if you are stupid and leave your browser open, you have emails sent to the same email that you use for real life stuff, if you're getting texts and phone calls on the family plan, and your SO finds out, and then involves me...

...I'm throwing you under the bus. I will not protect you. I will not defend you. I will not ignore the woman that is contacting me, asking me why my phone number is on your phone bill or my email is in your inbox. If you can't protect yourself, don't expect me to do it.

This has happened to me twice. I've been contacted by the wife or girlfriend of someone that I've been chatting to due to some idiot not thinking things through and being careful. And both times, I've told that woman everything that has happened and has gone on between me and this man. In one case it was nothing more than a two-hour chat that had nothing to do with sex, and she thought I was having an affair with him in real life; in the other it was a lot more than just chat. But both women were completely devastated because they DID NOT KNOW.

Just because you lie, doesn't mean I have to. Just because you hide, doesn't mean I will when confronted by someone that is blindsided by your deceit. That's not my job and I'm the one that wakes up at 4am with my inner mind taunting me with guilt and self-incrimination.

So, at the end of the day, is it cheating?

Yes, if your spouse or SO does not know.

Gives AKL standing ovation, so well written! I'm a single Litster and have had a multitude of married men litsters come my way. I couldn't agree more with this sweet lady.

What do you thing about married Listers who keep their Lit activities hidden from their spouse?



I may be the exception to the norm, but to me the real life relationship is paramount. Lit relationships are serious and need care, but at the same time they are volatile by nature meaning that they may not last long in some cases.

^^^ This.... I don't have a rl relationship, I'm not positive if the man I had a "litship" did or not, but for the most part he did take good care of me until I messed things up.... But yes both parties need to take care of each other and be open, otherwise it goes to hell

 

[Azuldrgon]

Gives AKL standing ovation, so well written! I'm a single Litster and have had a multitude of married men litsters come my way. I couldn't agree more with this sweet lady.



^^^ This.... I don't have a rl relationship, I'm not positive if the man I had a "litship" did or not, but for the most part he did take good care of me until I messed things up.... But yes both parties need to take care of each other and be open, otherwise it goes to hell

*hugs*
Being open is a big deal.
It's not like my wife gets every detail because she doesn't.
The one thing she does get is I'm home. I take care of her and I'm not leaving.

At the same time, I try to be friends with my partner first before anything else.
There's more to a relationship than good sex.

 

[Absinth3]

Sage advice...

 

[Endless_Night]

Today's question was submitted by one of our sexy male Litsters:

What do you thing about married Listers who keep their Lit activities hidden from their spouse?

Some people may accept such Listers. Others may feel that simply by being on Lit, they are cheating. Others may feel it is only cheating if they do certain things that cross the line, whatever their boundary is.

It is something I wrestle with, as I am married and my wife has no idea. My one secret from her. I have my own line, that I will never cross, but I know others have a different opinion of what the boundaries should be.

What I think depends on the particular activities. In my view, being on Lit is hardly a crime. We all need our personal space, our private time. If a spouse is so controlling as to require knowing every move, every thought you make, being secretly on Lit is the least of the relationship’s problems.

Likewise on flirtation. Whenever I see anyone trying to classify outside flirting as a “marital wrong” my eyes start rolling. Unless “no flirtation” is a rule you’ve both agreed on, then, meh. Usual flirt rules applicable, of course.

Lit sex? I’ll admit, I do not understand why people don’t work out agreements for extramarital sex (be it just online) with their spouses. For me, it just does not compute. I don’t, however, judge. I have no idea what is going on in other people’s lives or why they feel motivated to make the choices they do.

For me it’s a moral and personal issue. I am unwilling to lie to my primary partner, or take away their choices. However I think it’s an extremely slippery slope when you try to apply your own moral view to other peoples’ behavior. A nasty, ugly, control freaky, small-minded, slope.

I have no issue being friendly with Listers here in secret, but I prefer to keep my more personal involvements with those that are not.

 

[SassySheDevil]

I am one of those that is married, but my husband knows I am here, so this is a harder one for me to answer. When I first came to Lit, he actually posted pictures with me, but of course guys pics don't do as well and get pulled easier, and that was before I used Dropbox. He doesn't really care about it any longer and the last time he participated was to take a picture for Talikat for her birthday.

I am also lucky to be married to one of the least jealous people on the planet, so I asked him what he would consider cheating. He said that anything taken off the board into real life and sticking a dick in my pussy. (apparently I can give blow jobs lol... joking)

I have met a small handful of people who have come from Lit and become very good friends and those people have either talked to my husband or he knows of them and hears my daily updates about them.

I have talked to those who are married and keep Lit secret and I don't judge, but I admit that because I am here mostly for conversation and friendships, that it does suck being the 9-5 friend.

I have also had 2 Lit women who were part of a couple send me messages telling me not to talk to their Men. So even Lit couples can be scary. I think I try and avoid them more than the married people. I do like the married people because they tend to understand you and boundaries more.

 

[ViciousTease]

I'm married and my husband knows I'm on Lit. He knows my username. He has a username, too, though it's been so long since he logged in I doubt he remembers it. My point is, he knows what I do here and could log on and see all of my public activity. If he had a problem with me coming here, I wouldn't.

So, cheating? I don't necessarily think that being here in secret is cheating. Just because you haven't told your wife/husband doesn't necessarily make it wrong. Lit is a place for fantasy. Having a secret can be part of the fantasy.

In my mind, it's more about how they would react if they knew. If you know or suspect that your spouse would be upset, my advice would be to have a conversation about what constitutes cheating. Know for certain how they feel about it, then make an informed decision.

 

[Azuldrgon]

I'm married and my husband knows I'm on Lit. He knows my username. He has a username, too, though it's been so long since he logged in I doubt he remembers it. My point is, he knows what I do here and could log on and see all of my public activity. If he had a problem with me coming here, I wouldn't.

So, cheating? I don't necessarily think that being here in secret is cheating. Just because you haven't told your wife/husband doesn't necessarily make it wrong. Lit is a place for fantasy. Having a secret can be part of the fantasy.

In my mind, it's more about how they would react if they knew. If you know or suspect that your spouse would be upset, my advice would be to have a conversation about what constitutes cheating. Know for certain how they feel about it, then make an informed decision.

Very good point.

 

[beachbaby179]

*deep breath* ok, here goes...

I am married, technically, for the moment, although I am trying to change that. My spouse does not know I'm here, and I've no desire to tell him. Our marriage was broken beyond repair before I even got here. There's a lot we don't communicate about, so I don't feel as if I'm really 'hiding' anything. It's just one more thing...

Many of the friends I have here, both male and female, are also married. All except for one of my more serious Lit friend/relationships have been with people who are also married. Does it bother me? Yes. But we are all adults and make our own decisions. I fully realize that real life comes first with almost everyone here and there have been times when I, or he, walked away because there may have been a risk of spillover into RL. But I don't judge anyone for their choices. We all have unique situations we are dealing with and as long as we are honest with each other we should know where we stand.

What I cannot tolerate are the liars. The ones who say they are single but for some odd reason only log in for conversation after 11pm, or have to exit a conversation suddenly without warning. Those are red flags to me and I stay far away from those individuals if I can.

Most people here, for me, anyway, are in the friend zone. So whatever. But if I'm going to open up to you - let you in - you better be honest with me. I've lived for 30 years with a man who wouldn't know honesty if he tripped over it. I'm done with all of that. Just be straight with me, no matter what, and we'll be fine.

 

[Inspirinious]

I want to thank everyone for these great responses. One of the reasons I love this thread are the open, candid, adult discussions such as this.

My situation is that I am an older-than-most member of Lit. Next Sunday I will be even older. My wife and I have been married 23 wonderful years. Second marriage for both of us. My first marriage lasted 17 years so altogether I have 40+ years of marriage. My wife and I love each other very much. We are both retired and spend a lot of time at home together. She has her projects and I have mine. But we both enjoy all the time we have together.

Physically, sex is no longer working for us due to several reasons mostly related to our ages. Our having sex came to a halt 3+ years ago when I had a heart attack, but the sex had already slowed to less than once a month long before that. We show our love for each other in many other ways.

For me Lit is a safe, digital sex fantasy playground. My wife does not know about my activities here. I feel a little guilt for hiding this from her. If she found out, she would be disappointed in me. If she asked me to stop visiting Lit, I would.

My boundary is that I will never meet in real life with anyone I know on Lit. For me that is a clear, safe boundary with no fuzzy edges. My fun on Lit will always be on-line only. From the responses above, I suppose this might be cheating. I think of it as hiding, a lesser offense in my book.

As to my activities on Lit, I never represent myself as being single, or available. I don't want to lie to anyone on Lit. If anyone asks me a personal question, I answer openly and honestly. I try to not judge other people on Lit, but I must admit that I frown upon those that are married but represent themselves as single in order to develop a closer relationship with another Lister.

Please feel free to reply, privately or publicly, and regardless whether you agree or disagree. I do love a good discussion, and I am open to answer any questions.

 

[AKentuckyLady]

So, at the end of the day, is it cheating?

Yes, if your spouse or SO does not know.

After thinking about this most of the day, I feel I need to come back and add an addendum to my own post. Something critical that I forgot and perhaps leads into another question and some personal introspection:

If you "play" with a married person on Lit aren't you, by actively participating with full knowledge of the relationship status, an accomplice to the cheating on the married person's spouse or SO?

Yeah. That.

So, yes, I fully admit I have been involved with married men, both online and in real life. I'm fully involved with a married man on Lit now, as a matter of fact.

Why? I'm divorced, free to find the <insert sappy romantic plotline here> that has eluded me all my life.

Well, for me there's a bunch of reasons, and this is where it gets damned uncomfortable, because I'm pretty much baring my soul. But instead of writing a full page length novel on this, I'm just going to say that I agree there's an element of safety to it. Not safety for him - safety for me, my heart, my self esteem, and my sense of self-preservation.

The only man I've fallen for on Lit that was about to be single ended up a disaster. He was in the middle of leaving his wife before I met him; I was in the middle of leaving my husband. We clung together to try to stop each other from drowning in a sea of drama and ended up creating our own. And at the end, he left her all right - and left me at the same time. I saw it coming but was in complete denial, thinking this was just nerves or fear or uncertainty or change.

It taught me a lesson though, and I found the solution in relationships with married men. A married man isn't getting something at home. It may be sex, or intimacy, or friendship. Understanding, compassion, attention, all of these things. Women, same thing. We're all missing something.

With a married man, I keep my heart whole. I know he's not going to leave his wife for me, and I would never ask him to. I think deep down, I don't want to dive into another fully invested real life relationship at this point in my life. But I do still want all the things it provides, particularly intimacy and emotion. I didn't have these things for so long in my marriage that I crave them more than anything.

At the root of it all, I get what I need. He gets what he needs. And all the truly scary shit - meeting in RL, will we be attracted to each other, will this work out, what does our future look like, where will we live, who's moving to live with who, blah blah blah - isn't a factor any more.

Anyway, sorry to hijack the thread again. By the way VT - I love this thread

 

[Endless_Night]

I've been thinking on this a bit, as well. It seems like most of us, at least those that posted, harbor reservation towards being on Lit without spousal knowledge. At least when it comes to the point of actual play.

It occurs to me though, that there is a certain proportion of Litsters who probably enjoy the cheating aspect. Those whose primary interest is to chase the illicit high of sex with other people’s partners, or who are using online liaisons as a way to get back at their real life partners. Meaning they probably view Lit time from an entirely different perspective.

Just an observation.

Those that lie about their relationships status in the hopes of luring in single Litsters? Wow. Just wow….

 

[Endless_Night]

< If you "play" with a married person on Lit aren't you, by actively participating with full knowledge of the relationship status, an accomplice to the cheating on the married person's spouse or SO? >

Impossible to argue with this^. Married is fine, but I prefer a partner whose situation is similar to my own. Open.

< So, yes, I fully admit I have been involved with married men, both online and in real life. I'm fully involved with a married man on Lit now, as a matter of fact.

Why? I'm divorced, free to find the <insert sappy romantic plotline here> that has eluded me all my life.

Well, for me there's a bunch of reasons, and this is where it gets damned uncomfortable, because I'm pretty much baring my soul. But instead of writing a full page length novel on this, I'm just going to say that I agree there's an element of safety to it. Not safety for him - safety for me, my heart, my self esteem, and my sense of self-preservation. >

Thank you for sharing, AKL.

Honestly, I've never remotely understood the appeal of married men, certainly not in an illicit kind of way. I like, even need, to come first, which seems difficult to achieve in that type of situation. The thought of there being a kind of emotional safety in the situation you describe would just never occur to me. Even considering the last thing I'd want is to become involved with someone who might want me to leave my SO.

Very interesting viewpoint to read.

 

[Inspirinious]

Very interesting discussion.

I would like to ask for a clarification, specifically to how people use the term "play".

Are people referring to actual physical sex with a partner? Or does "play" include flirting, or sending sexual PMs, or swapping photos/videos, or phone sex, or cam sex?

I think there is a wide, fuzzy line of what is harmless interactions with an online friend, and something that may be considered over the line.

And thanks for adding to the discussion the situation of a single person playing with a married person. Again, is it just harmless interactions with a friend, or something a lot more? Is the single person free to do as they please, while what the married person is doing quite inappropriate?

 

[beachbaby179]

For me, play indicates that your relationship has gone past flirting, you've swapped photos perhaps, but certainly your conversations are sexual. It's rare that it would develop to a physical encounter, more likely on the phone or cam.

 

[AKentuckyLady]

Very interesting discussion.

I would like to ask for a clarification, specifically to how people use the term "play".

Are people referring to actual physical sex with a partner? Or does "play" include flirting, or sending sexual PMs, or swapping photos/videos, or phone sex, or cam sex?

Play to me is when a conversation turns sexual in more than a non-conversational way. For instance, you and I have had some good conversation, Inspirinious, but to my recollection it never turned sexual. I suppose when I say "play" I mean cyber, phonesex, cam, or just describing what you would be doing to that person and that person responding in a way that they're describing what they are doing to you.

I think there is a wide, fuzzy line of what is harmless interactions with an online friend, and something that may be considered over the line.

And thanks for adding to the discussion the situation of a single person playing with a married person. Again, is it just harmless interactions with a friend, or something a lot more? Is the single person free to do as they please, while what the married person is doing quite inappropriate?

Well, a single person is single. Free to engage in whatever manner they feel is appropriate because there's no significant other to consider. Now is it inappropriate for the married person? I think I already answered that.

 

[Inspirinious]

Play to me is when a conversation turns sexual in more than a non-conversational way. For instance, you and I have had some good conversation, Inspirinious, but to my recollection it never turned sexual. I suppose when I say "play" I mean cyber, phonesex, cam, or just describing what you would be doing to that person and that person responding in a way that they're describing what they are doing to you.
. . . .

If I may explore this a bit more, I would like to discuss how people "play" on the threads, particularly the AmPics thread.

A lady may post a pic of her breasts. I may respond "I would love to suck those nipples." Is that over the line?

Or, another example: A lady posts a link to a pic of her pussy. I may respond "I want to lick that until you beg me to stop." Has this become too sexual?

Or is such play in public considered casual play, and not really a 1-on-1 exchange with different connotations and meanings?

 

[AKentuckyLady]

If I may explore this a bit more, I would like to discuss how people "play" on the threads, particularly the AmPics thread.

A lady may post a pic of her breasts. I may respond "I would love to suck those nipples." Is that over the line?

Or, another example: A lady posts a link to a pic of her pussy. I may respond "I want to lick that until you beg me to stop." Has this become too sexual?

Or is such play in public considered casual play, and not really a 1-on-1 exchange with different connotations and meanings?

To me, in the two examples you gave, you're giving a compliment. You're not engaging in play.

I consider play to be private. An exchange of thoughts or ideas specifically related to the person you are sending messages to that describes, in detail, either what you are doing to yourself or the actions you would do on that person that are sexual in nature.

 

[Inspirinious]

To me, in the two examples you gave, you're giving a compliment. You're not engaging in play.

I consider play to be private. An exchange of thoughts or ideas specifically related to the person you are sending messages to that describes, in detail, either what you are doing to yourself or the actions you would do on that person that are sexual in nature.

Thanks. I agree with that. I know that men and women view some things in different ways, so I wasn't sure how (or if) public activities on the threads connected to these discussions.

We can leave public activities on the threads out of this discussion and focus on the more private interactions people have here on Lit.

 

[ViciousTease]

It's technically Monday here (though just barely) so I'm dropping off the question of the day in case I don't make it back. I'm anticipating an 18 hour work day.

Most of us make a few particular Lit friends, whether that be platonic or otherwise. What attracts you? Do you find like calls to like, or do completely different personality types hold the most appeal? Are your online friends similar in temperament to those you make off Lit?

 

[Inspirinious]

It's technically Monday here (though just barely) so I'm dropping off the question of the day in case I don't make it back. I'm anticipating an 18 hour work day.

Most of us make a few particular Lit friends, whether that be platonic or otherwise. What attracts you? Do you find like calls to like, or do completely different personality types hold the most appeal? Are your online friends similar in temperament to those you make off Lit?

Initially this appeared to be a simple question. As I thought how I would respond, I realized that for me there isn't a simple answer. So I will give my first impressions, but I reserve the right to add more to this conversation later.

First, a couple of generalizations. In real life, friendships are usually based upon sharing several things in common with another person. For me there is usually one thing that was the initial match, be it photography, or technology, or an interest in college sports. Then we may discover that we share other interests such as music, TV shows, or politics. And we may find we are opposites on some matters. But that just allows us to explore other viewpoints with someone we otherwise like and trust.

Online friendships are usually based upon a much more narrow focus of similar interests. Specifically for people we meet on Lit, the focus is on sex. Here on Lit there are sexy stories, sexy photos, and forums full of discussions about sexy topics. There is a lot of casual interactions with many people on the threads. But these are not real friends, and we know so very little about one another.

Then, through a post or more likely a PM, we begin to engage 1-on-1 with another person and oh so very slowly get to know more about them. For me, that first sign that someone is becoming an on-line friend is when we learn each others real name. There is often some initial sharing of more private information such as where you live, work, marital status, children, and so on.

But I have found that these on-line friendships continue to be narrowly focused on a few shared interests. For me, some of this may be because I never meet other Listers in real life.

My start on the Lit forums was on the AmPics. I have extensive photography experience and many years of computer experience, including quite a bit of photo editing experience. On Lit I quickly became a source of help to others as to how to improve their photos. Through these connections I made friends. But these friendships remained narrow in focus.

I have also made friendships on Lit through my story writing. Again, these friendships remain narrow in focus. And now that I no longer have my own thread but participate more in other threads such as this one, I have developed a few friends that share a few interests.

I have a few friendships that have continued and go beyond the sex discussions, the photos, and the stories. These are people that I connect with using email or text messages, and occasionally PMs. Mostly our discussions are away from Lit, and usually about day-to-day activities in our lives and not so much about Lit things.

In these "best" friendships, we still have limits about what we discuss. Topics still include sex, photography, story writing, family, and the weather. I have realized that I never discuss politics with any of my Lit friends. My best Lit friend is totally opposite politically from me, something that very nearly ended our friendship. But we learned to never discuss politics, as much as I love to discuss politics.

I think that the on-line, digital nature of our friendship allows us to compartmentalize the friendship into those areas that are safe to discuss. I believe that on-line friendships have limited amount of interactions, and therefore are suited for such compartmentalization, whereas a few shared common interests can maintain the friendship.

So, to answer the question, it is not so much about different personality types, as it is about different nature of on-line vs real life friendships.


I think I've said enough, for now.