Vanilla wife wants to be dominated but can't express what she really wants

[HumbleStarter]

My wife of 15 years was raised VERY conservatively. She enjoys sex but has never had a raging libido. My attempts to discuss any fantasy she might be harboring or anything that deviates from vanilla sex in our bedroom in the dark make her so uncomfortable that she can do nothing but go silent.

With that being said, she loves me very much and I am head over heels in love with her (but my God some heels would be nice in the bed). Lately I've finally seen her start to overcome some of her over-bearing upbringing. She starting reading romance novels and in the last year she finally started masterbating.

This brings me to my 'good' problem. She was finally able to communicate to me that she has a fantasy. She wants me to dominate her. While this is great, I've run into some old issues. She can't communicate with me any of things I need to step into the role she needs. I have an amature amount of experience under my belt as a dom from what feels like a lifetime ago and by nature I'm a switch so I don't mind that role. I can't get her to help me make a safe word, tell me things she's read that appealed to her, relax enough to step into a submissive role, or look at online tests to help me. She just wants me to come up with everything with absolutely no input because she really doesn't know what she wants.

I've tried to 'prepare' for a fun night but if she senses what I'm doing she gets her mind in the wrong place and can't relax enough to enjoy it. She normally communicates that she wants something new when she is already highly aroused and we are nearly finished which doesn't give me as many options as I would like as I can't do a ton of things from there.

Has anyone else out there had any success in helping bring out a highly vanilla partner into a lifestyle they desire but know little about?

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Is she religious? This might help bridge the gap:

http://www.boards.themarriagebed.com/

I haven't been on in years, but they have a board for 'Not the Norm' sorts of activities. It's where I learned about butt sex.

Good luck!

 

[KimGordon67]

My wife of 15 years was raised VERY conservatively. She enjoys sex but has never had a raging libido. My attempts to discuss any fantasy she might be harboring or anything that deviates from vanilla sex in our bedroom in the dark make her so uncomfortable that she can do nothing but go silent.

With that being said, she loves me very much and I am head over heels in love with her (but my God some heels would be nice in the bed). Lately I've finally seen her start to overcome some of her over-bearing upbringing. She starting reading romance novels and in the last year she finally started masterbating.

This brings me to my 'good' problem. She was finally able to communicate to me that she has a fantasy. She wants me to dominate her. While this is great, I've run into some old issues. She can't communicate with me any of things I need to step into the role she needs. I have an amature amount of experience under my belt as a dom from what feels like a lifetime ago and by nature I'm a switch so I don't mind that role. I can't get her to help me make a safe word, tell me things she's read that appealed to her, relax enough to step into a submissive role, or look at online tests to help me. She just wants me to come up with everything with absolutely no input because she really doesn't know what she wants.

I've tried to 'prepare' for a fun night but if she senses what I'm doing she gets her mind in the wrong place and can't relax enough to enjoy it. She normally communicates that she wants something new when she is already highly aroused and we are nearly finished which doesn't give me as many options as I would like as I can't do a ton of things from there.

Has anyone else out there had any success in helping bring out a highly vanilla partner into a lifestyle they desire but know little about?

Speaking from something very slightly resembling your wife's position (as in I'd had pretty vanilla sex until fairly recently, knew I craved some aspects of being submissive and pain, but had no idea how to express that), I would go VERY slowly. I was lucky to have first an online partner, and more recently a RL partner, who did that and I really appreciated their patience. It was really a matter of try something little, see how it went, and then push that a little further. Preparing for a 'fun night' sounds hideously daunting if you're new to all this - I'm not surprised it freaks her out a little.
I can't remember what my online friend started with, but I'm pretty sure orgasm control would have been a fairly early practice - that's easy and enjoyable, and something you can scale up pretty readily.
With my RL BF, we talked about stuff in the very abstract before we actually physically met, but I didn't really think he was that keen, so it never crossed my mind to talk about it in real terms. Then, the first time we were together, he wound his hand up in my hair and pulled my head back while we were fucking. Just a little the first time - he's always very careful to guage my reaction to anything - but it was just delicious. (Actually, when I think about it, we weren't fucking at the time - it was an almost isolated act, but we were really physically connected at the time.) If you think pain might be her thing, try that - what I really like about it is how you can be very close physically, so you can get a good feeling of her physical and emotional reaction.
Just immobilising her hands with your own during sex is another good starter, and would give you a good indication of how she'd react to exploring that further.
All of these things would be possible in the 'height of sex' scenario you describe, and that would give her some idea of how she feels about control/immobilisation/pain. Other people who're into other things might have other ideas too - they're just the things that worked for me in terms of my admittedly fairly shallow foray in the whole area.

 

[Que]

I'm getting an abuse issues vibe here. Is it possible that some of these activities, that she does apparently want, are triggering for her? Sounds like it's going to be tough to get an answer to that.

Some therapy is probably in order here.

 

[MissSweetTemptations]

By the sounds of it your getting her to open up more and getting there maybe she just needs some more time...and couple of wines

I was similar to her when I first was sexually active but slowly opened up.

 

[clistenovena]

Has anyone else out there had any success in helping bring out a highly vanilla partner into a lifestyle they desire but know little about?

Success is relative to the individual. It took years (probably don't want to hear that), and it's not to the degree I'd prefer, but it's more than nothing.

Overcoming conservatism won't be the easiest. As another poster said, start simple and keep your expectations low. Build from that.

Best o'luck to you.

 

[CutieMouse]

The super-conservative (I presume religious?) upbringing could work to both of your advantage, in some ways. If she was raised in a very conservative environment, even though sex was probably presented as dirty, wrong, wicked, blahblahbblah... she was probably also firmly indoctrinated in the "Head of Houshold" camp.

HoH could be described as a style of D/s relationship, sometimes also related to a Domestic Discipline relationship. Both lean towards a very traditional (conservative) 1950s style of relationship hierarchy - a typical loving marriage/household with well defined roles, rules, expectations, etc (and a decent amount of kinky sex). DD relationships also often involve "maintenance spankings, etc to keep the dynamic in place.

Normally, my advice would be to explain that if she wants you in charge, you're happy to do that. However, your first order of business is to lay down some ground rules -

1) You will both use the basic stoplight system for safe-words (green, yellow, red) when exploring new activities. (There! Now she has a safe-word without having to decide what it is!)

2) You are both allowed boundaries, and have a right to say no to something. However - in order to know what is "off the table" you both need to know what those "off the table" things are. That means sitting down over a bottle of wine and going over a BDSM checklist. Warn her that there might be things on it that sound extreme, but the list is just a way to find out the "OMG NO!" stuff."

A lot of people new to D/s see the submissive communicating their wants/needs as being "unsubmissive", and expect the dominant to just automatically know (mind reading!) what the submissive wants. Especially if the submissive's introduction to BDSM comes from romance novels - because the domdude in the romance novel/movie ALWAYS knows exactly how to do things/push buttons/take XYZ fantasy exactly far enough to give her the eleventy-million orgasms she wants.

That's not how it works in the real world.

3) She needs to communicate openly and honestly about what she needs and wants from a D/s relationship. She can do it by email, text, journal, in person, whatever... but healthy relationships (even D/s) depend on healthy communication. On your part, you promise a judgement-free, supportive place for her to write/talk.

4) She is welcome to continue reading her romance novels, but she needs to give you the titles. (Your choice if you read them or not; I'd suggest reading them.) She also needs to start doing some non-fiction reading about BDSM. You need to read those, as well, and the two of you will discuss them - kind of like a family book club.

The New Topping Book, The New Bottoming Book and The Loving Dominant are all good non-fiction places to start.

5) If she admits she wants things [sexually], but refuses to tell you what those things are, let her know that by default her lack of communication means you get to do what you want in bed. Then do what you want in bed.

I, personally, don't think this (#5) is a smartest way of doing things, but it is an option.

 

[NOIRTRASH]

The super-conservative (I presume religious?) upbringing could work to both of your advantage, in some ways. If she was raised in a very conservative environment, even though sex was probably presented as dirty, wrong, wicked, blahblahbblah... she was probably also firmly indoctrinated in the "Head of Houshold" camp.

HoH could be described as a style of D/s relationship, sometimes also related to a Domestic Discipline relationship. Both lean towards a very traditional (conservative) 1950s style of relationship hierarchy - a typical loving marriage/household with well defined roles, rules, expectations, etc (and a decent amount of kinky sex). DD relationships also often involve "maintenance spankings, etc to keep the dynamic in place.

Normally, my advice would be to explain that if she wants you in charge, you're happy to do that. However, your first order of business is to lay down some ground rules -

1) You will both use the basic stoplight system for safe-words (green, yellow, red) when exploring new activities. (There! Now she has a safe-word without having to decide what it is!)

2) You are both allowed boundaries, and have a right to say no to something. However - in order to know what is "off the table" you both need to know what those "off the table" things are. That means sitting down over a bottle of wine and going over a BDSM checklist. Warn her that there might be things on it that sound extreme, but the list is just a way to find out the "OMG NO!" stuff."

A lot of people new to D/s see the submissive communicating their wants/needs as being "unsubmissive", and expect the dominant to just automatically know (mind reading!) what the submissive wants. Especially if the submissive's introduction to BDSM comes from romance novels - because the domdude in the romance novel/movie ALWAYS knows exactly how to do things/push buttons/take XYZ fantasy exactly far enough to give her the eleventy-million orgasms she wants.

That's not how it works in the real world.

3) She needs to communicate openly and honestly about what she needs and wants from a D/s relationship. She can do it by email, text, journal, in person, whatever... but healthy relationships (even D/s) depend on healthy communication. On your part, you promise a judgement-free, supportive place for her to write/talk.

4) She is welcome to continue reading her romance novels, but she needs to give you the titles. (Your choice if you read them or not; I'd suggest reading them.) She also needs to start doing some non-fiction reading about BDSM. You need to read those, as well, and the two of you will discuss them - kind of like a family book club.

The New Topping Book, The New Bottoming Book and The Loving Dominant are all good non-fiction places to start.

5) If she admits she wants things [sexually], but refuses to tell you what those things are, let her know that by default her lack of communication means you get to do what you want in bed. Then do what you want in bed.

I, personally, don't think this (#5) is a smartest way of doing things, but it is an option.

^^^^^Invented fulla shit.

 

[CutieMouse]

^^^^^Invented fulla shit.

Awwww... the resident BDSM Boards Troll went for a walk.

 

[NOIRTRASH]

Awwww... the resident BDSM Boards Troll went for a walk.

I want the best for you. I care.

 

[Tigersman]

Since you are wanting to spice up things, you could wait until the wife is wearing something old, something she does not value much, the rip it off of her, grab a handful of hair pushing her down to all fours and from that point it's all up to you. Both my ex wife and my ex girlfriend enjoyed this scene. They even enjoyed bondage and a good spanking. Wait for your wife to screw up then take her over your knee.

 

[KayceeCharles]

If the OP is still around... pick up a guide or two for her from Amazon

Ultimate guide to kink by Tristan Taormino (pretty famous sex educator)

SM101 by Jay wiseman

The New Bottoming Book by Janet W. hardy and Dossie Easton


Probably you should buy the first book by Taormino, and explore it together, and see what turns her on and what are definitely no-go zones. Then if you want to explore further get the other books.

FWIW, there's also a "The New Topping Book" by the same authors as the bottoming book.

 

[oxphocker]

Maybe make a menu of activities that you'd be fine with and then let her decide? Let her know that everything on the list is fair game if she wants it...just check a box, don't have to say anything.

 

[Nezhul]

OK, this topic is pretty old, but I'll just post in my two cents.

She told you she wants you to dominate her? Well that's fine. That's all you really need to know to start.
What you need to do from there is just go one step at a time. Dominating someone doesn't mean bringing it to the level of fetish porn or stories, where someone is totally submissive and plays all kinds of roles. If she can't do that right away - that's fine.
You start with just being more controling in bed. Just hold her down, Maybe hold her hands behind her back. Have her kneel in front of you and give you a blowjob while she holds her hands behind her back. Small stuff. Just think about what you are already doing in bed and think about how you can enhance it to make it just slightly more kinky. Just add that certain flavor without actually changing the activity that much.

Talk to her after every such experience. Ask her if she likes it. If you are sure she liked it - always tell her how much YOU loved it and that in turned you on and yada-yada. But if you are unsure that she liked something - try to refrain from expressing your opinion so that not to put pressure on her. Just ask if she wants to try that again next time, and if she says "I don't know" - then have her do it. If she dislikes it she'll tell you eventually, if not - then you can go on with that.

Slowly add stuff. Spank her a few times. She liked it - spank her harder. She liked that - experiement with other pain until you find a sweet spot. Same with everything else. She likes to serve you - you start making more demands, ordering her around. She likes you to hold her down - you start restraining her more, holding hands behind her back and eventually move to bondage.

Experiment with sensual kinky things. Like tying her eyes with a piece of silk cloth, while leaving her unrestrained otherwise. Have her restrain herself - like order her to hold onto the edge of the bed and not let go - making her effectively give up control of her hands while not being tied up at all.

See what she enjoys and slowly move in that direction. Try to read the romantic novels she enjoys - maybe there are hints to her fetishes.