I have no pride (or patience)

[NotWise]

Oscar's Place is my most recent blurt. It's in Erotic Horror, but no succubi or incubi were employed in telling the tale -- it's just a ghost story of sorts, with some romance.

I knew before I posted the story that Erotic Horror gets little traffic, but I didn't understand how frustrating it would be to get just 781 views, 8 votes and 1 comment in three days. Now I'm breaking down and begging for readers and for feedback.

Please?

 

[Bramblethorn]

Yeah, I enjoy writing horror but EH is kinda quiet. Too quiet...

OK, some comments on your story, working as I go.

Technical aspects are generally good.

The bus squealed to a stop at the curb and sent dried leaves skittering across the sidewalk. Nick looked up from his phone to see a young woman step out of the bus and wave to the driver. She glanced at Nick then pulled the hood of her cape over her head.

The day started as one of those beautiful fall days; crisp in the morning then calm, and bright, and not too cool. Now dark clouds in the west hid the sunset. A chill breeze caught the leaves that the bus kicked up and sent them swirling around the woman's high-heeled shoes.

Should be "the day had started", since you're talking about something that happened before the rest of the action. Also, "...fall days: crisp..." would work better here. Colons like to introduce lists, don't take their jobs away.

Also, I'd be inclined to shift "The day... sunset" to the very beginning of the story. Think of it like film-making: you can start a film by showing the weather, then zooming in on the characters, but nobody would start a film by focussing on the characters and then pulling back to show the weather before immediately zooming back in again. That interrupts the story and takes attention away from the characters you've just started introducing; better to set the scene first and then focus on the characters.

Nick watched and guessed that she was waiting for a connecting bus, and then he nodded over his phone again. He leaned in the doorway of the old hotel and studied what little information he'd already gathered about it. A prospective investor wanted an engineer to look at the building. The project had a small budget. So it fell to the junior staff member; that was Nick.

"Are you waiting for the east-side bus, too?" she asked, and jolted Nick out of his thoughts. She had closed about half the distance between them and stood cautiously eying him.

Just a minor thing, but I would have written this as something like:

So it fell to the junior staff member; that was Nick.

"Are you waiting for the east-side bus, too?"

Nick jolted out of his thoughts. She had closed half the distance between them and stood cautiously eyeing him.

I try to make the narrative style match the mind-state of the POV character (i.e. Nick). Here, you're writing a moment where Nick is surprised. He's probably having a moment of "wait, who said that?" so let the style reflect that - don't instantly add "she said". There's still enough context for the reader to figure it out pretty quickly, but it just reinforces Nick's surprise a little bit.

Her features were refined and perfectly symmetrical, and her eyes were bright. Nick straightened his posture—unconsciously signaling that he found her attractive—and asked, "Do you take this route often?"

I think the "unconsciously signaling" bit could be lost here. We've just had a sentence where Nick appreciates her physical features, followed by a "do you come here often?", so we don't need the explanation.

"Are you from Sayer and Sutton?" ...

"I'm Nick Benedict, from Sayer and Sutton," Nick said.

This doesn't quite ring true as dialogue. Mills has already named the firm so it feels odd for Nick to repeat the name without acknowledging that. Either "Yes. I'm Nick Benedict." or perhaps "I'm Nick Benedict. Yes, Sayer and Sutton." would sound more natural to me.

There were signs everywhere of lost splendor; marble, and mahogany, and brass—now scarred with use and neglect.

Again, a colon might be better for introducing this list.

An old pickup sat beside a power pole in the dark alley. Its headlights caught the light from a car that passed on the street, and it glared at Nick like some great beast lurking in the night.

I liked this visual.

Emily corrected him with a laugh, "Hansom mystery man," she said

"Handsome", unless he's driving a horse-drawn cab.

She gripped Tommy's arm and held on while Oscar pressed his thumb against her trigger

*wince* when talking about a woman who was shot dead, "trigger" might not be the best metaphor here.

Stepping back from the details, I'm afraid this story didn't work for me. A couple of issues there.

#1 - It felt rushed. Ghost stories and horror stories usually work best with a slow buildup. This one went very quickly to "hi we're the ghosts, now watch us fuck!" There's no reason it had to happen so suddenly. For example, you could have had Nick and Emily come back and explore the place a few times, gradually turning up the supernatural and sexual tension, and dropping hints about the past.

This story has what could be a tantalising mystery - whatever happened to Trish and Oscar? - but it misses that opportunity, because Trish explains what happened before the reader even knows there's a mystery in need of explaining.

#2: Tommy murdered Trish because she said no to him. Her ghostly reaction to this is to say yes to him. That's, uh, fucked up and not in a good-scary kind of way; it's the sort of thing that breaks me out of the story and gets me wondering about the author's understanding of consent.

It also runs against the conventions of ghost stories. Ghost stories tend to be morality tales in one way or another: somebody did something terrible, they or their victim now walk the earth, and they can only be freed by resolving that sin in some way (commonly atonement or vengeance, depending on whose sin it was).

That can happen in many different ways. Sometimes the ghost does it, sometimes the living redeem the dead, sometimes it's a mix of the two. But somebody has to work hard for that resolution, before the ghost can be laid to rest.

That didn't really happen here. The ghosts literally lay themselves to rest, with Nick and Emily as spectators. Nobody has to sacrifice or do anything particularly scary to get that resolution, and in particular Tommy doesn't have to do anything to redeem himself for murdering a woman who said no to him. To me that was an unsatisfying ending.

Nick and Emily do play an accidental role in finishing the story, by triggering the gas leak. But they haven't had to work for it, make any emotional investment in ending the haunting. If they had done that, the gas-leak accident would have worked very nicely as a finishing touch; as it was, it felt a bit contrived.

Sorry I can't be more positive about this one, but those are my opinions. Take 'em for what they're worth. (Considering it's rating higher than either of my EH offerings, that might be "not much" ;-)

 

[NotWise]

Sorry I can't be more positive about this one, but those are my opinions. Take 'em for what they're worth. (Considering it's rating higher than either of my EH offerings, that might be "not much" ;-)

Thanks. Having read your opinions before, I value your response.

The story is rated pretty well at this point,but it has only eight (8) votes.

I think you gave some nice suggestions for alternates. I think if I were to write an alternate story then I might try to turn the location--the hotel itself--into more of a character. At least give it a name.

Also, if I wanted to make the story longer I would have involved the girls haunting the top floor in the final scene. I considered having Trish tell Nick and Emily something like; "The girls were here, but we gave them a fifth and sent them back upstairs. They've always been good at entertaining each other." But then, that opened up a whole 'nuther story and it was already as long as I wanted it to be.

 

[fun45778]

Maybe you should switch to non human. It gets more traffic.

 

[NotWise]

Maybe you should switch to non human. It gets more traffic.

"Oscar's Place" was my only adventure into Erotic Horror. It might be my last, based on my gut reaction to the echo in the room and that sound of water dripping into a basin somewhere down the darkened hallway.

Isn't "Non-human" where imaginary critters have sex, sometimes with people? That's not quite the setup in my story.