Poem

[SoulAssasin247]

ASKING FOR OPINIONS.



MY OPPOSITE MY NEED

On a cold wet night warming inside
Scent of alabaster blowing my mind
Seasons are changing mixture within
Opposites magnetize ever so tightly
Chills up my spine inferno in body
You are my lock and I am your key
Can't be a King without a Queen
Useless my eyesight without my light
Your existence my treasure I can't deny
Words have so much meaning with you on my mind
Writing whole chapters compressed in one sentence
Microscopic organisms with the cure to my life
Viewing your beauty is the blood in my viens
Without a woman this can't live
I'll give my rib, my soul, and my life to have you within[/QUOTE]

 

[Magnetron]

The overall message is weakened by the focus being pulled into to many different directions. You are overloading the reader's brain with various unrelated subjects to process - a cold wet night, stone, royalty, microbiology, writing .....

Why was it important to mention a cold wet night? The scent of alabaster? Change brought about by the seasons? You abandoned these trains of thought, leaving the reader hanging.

We get the message: this woman completes the narrator..

However, the poem itself does very little to reinforce why or how without any "follow through" of the statements andstatements that have no relationship with one another.

 

[SoulAssasin247]

The overall message is weakened by the focus being pulled into to many different directions. You are overloading the reader's brain with various unrelated subjects to process - a cold wet night, stone, royalty, microbiology, writing .....

Why was it important to mention a cold wet night? The scent of alabaster? Change brought about by the seasons? You abandoned these trains of thought, leaving the reader hanging.

We get the message: this woman completes the narrator..

However, the poem itself does very little to reinforce why or how without any "follow through" of the statements andstatements that have no relationship with one another.

Thank you this is what I wanted real criticism. I will use it and improve with each one.

 

[Magnetron]

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1337488

The link is to one of the friendly challenges here; using random words/phrases not just in a poem, but to aid in telling the poem itself. Feel free to participate or just observe; either way it might give you some ideas.

Thank you this is what I wanted real criticism. I will use it and improve with each one.

 

[SoulAssasin247]

Thanks I will definitely use this