See what you think: Drifting Away

[coldwater1]

Hi,

I know nothing about poetry, but with a little help from Sexnovella, I put this together. It is more about the message than the quality of the poetry.

Drifting Away

I am floating in a rowboat, I have drifted from the pier.
The water is deep and frigid, I cannot swim from here.
Bobbing about 10 feet from me is a buoy on a rope.
It is tied to the dock, a lifeline still in range, I hope.

I am still strong, hardly diminished from my younger days.
I could easily pull myself back, if I could reach where that float lays.
I resort to paddling with my hand, for I do not have an oar.
Eventually I reach that lifeline and pull myself ashore.
Once again back to normal, not drifting anymore.

This happens often now, nearly every day.
Sometimes the buoy is quite close, other times further away.
By hand, it is difficult to control the direction of this mass.
Sometimes I miss and need to circle and take another pass.

As time goes by, there are days that the buoy is further than ever before,
Just a tiny bit, but there is no doubt that the distance is growing more.
Sometimes I don’t feel motivated enough to try to reach the dock,
And it’s easier just to let the boat on wind and wave to rock.

I fear that a day will come when the buoy is too far to reach.
I will not be able to get there and return to the beach.
Even more, I fear a day that motivation never comes me,
And I simply let the boat drift out to sea.

I’ve seen it happen first hand to someone close to me.
I don’t know which of the two scenarios it was, but I the end result I see.
Mom has drifted so far away she can’t see the buoy anymore.
Though far off in the distance, she can still see the shore.

Someday even that will fade and there will be nothing but endless sea,
As Alzheimer’s insatiable appetite swallows every memory.

 

[sexnovella]

The poem is great.

You should publish it as a non erotic poem on Literotica's submissions page.

 

[Magnetron]

As far as newb attempts go, you've done a fine job of staying on message and with consistency in your metaphor.

Line 9 is not necessary. It redundantly states what is already implied.

Other than cleaning up unnecessary wordage and making punctuation consistent, you have yourself a successful poem.

For example, Line 1:
I am floating in a rowboat, I have drifted from the pier. < - comma should be a period
Floating in a rowboat, I drift from the pier. comma used correctly
I am floating in a rowboat, drifting from the pier. comma used correctly

Line 2:
The water is deep and frigid, I cannot swim from here. < - comma should be a period
In frigid water deep, I cannot swim from here. comma used correctly
Deep is the frigid water. I cannot swim from here. period used correctly

And so forth. Just play with the wording. Tighten up the message by plucking out the words you don't need.

Poetry is playing with words.

 

[coldwater1]

As far as newb attempts go, you've done a fine job of staying on message and with consistency in your metaphor.

Line 9 is not necessary. It redundantly states what is already implied.

Other than cleaning up unnecessary wordage and making punctuation consistent, you have yourself a successful poem.

For example, Line 1:
I am floating in a rowboat, I have drifted from the pier. < - comma should be a period
Floating in a rowboat, I drift from the pier. comma used correctly
I am floating in a rowboat, drifting from the pier. comma used correctly

Line 2:
The water is deep and frigid, I cannot swim from here. < - comma should be a period
In frigid water deep, I cannot swim from here. comma used correctly
Deep is the frigid water. I cannot swim from here. period used correctly

And so forth. Just play with the wording. Tighten up the message by plucking out the words you don't need.

Poetry is playing with words.

Thank you, my friend. I appreciate the advice.

 

[Magnetron]

Thank you, my friend. I appreciate the advice.

Anytime.

Helping others write poetry helps one becone a better poet.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Why has Stanza two got 5 lines? If you're going to write in rhyming couplets the lines need to be of the same meter (iambic pentameter) and a lot of your lines are far too long and need cutting right back to scan properly. Edit, edit, edit that's the name of the game

 

[coldwater1]

Why has Stanza two got 5 lines? If you're going to write in rhyming couplets the lines need to be of the same meter (iambic pentameter) and a lot of your lines are far too long and need cutting right back to scan properly. Edit, edit, edit that's the name of the game

Told ya I knew nothing about poetry

Thanks for the advice.

 

[Magnetron]

Told ya I knew nothing about poetry

Thanks for the advice.

UnderYourSpell knows just about everything there is to know about poetry.



I know very little about poetry, so I am somewhere near you on the spectrum.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

UnderYourSpell knows just about everything there is to know about poetry.



I know very little about poetry, so I am somewhere near you on the spectrum.

You seem to do ok, flying by the seat of your pants

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Told ya I knew nothing about poetry

Thanks for the advice.

Go to this link The Thread of Forms Couplet to see about the length/meter of the lines.