Three chapter (so far) EC series

[EverLux]

Up until a couple months ago, I never thought I'd try my hand at writing. But here I am, a baby writer looking for assistance, because I don't want to stay a baby forever.

I posted the first chapter in my EC series, Closing Night High, about a month or so ago, and with one or two notable exceptions, I haven't received a whole lot of constructive feedback. Would love more!

The story is about an 18-year-old drama queen (literal, not figurative) and the much older tech directer of the theater. The first chapter centers around the fortuitous accident that leads to, well, feelings and stuff

Anything you guys can offer is much appreciated!

Closing Night High Ch. 01

Closing Night High Ch. 02

Closing Night High Ch. 03

p.s. There are a couple missing letters and punctuation marks here and there--I do plan to go back and fix them, I swear!

 

[Bramblethorn]

The technicals are good; you already mentioned a couple of typos so I won't pick those out. General writing style is fluent and easy to read.

A couple of areas where I felt it could've been stronger:

Pacing. You introduce Caleb as Emilie's crush and approximately thirty seconds later they're throwing themselves on one another. That works fine in a stroke story, but for the kind of story you're telling here I think you could've afforded to take a bit more time building up to that. Show them interacting early on, establish her crush, but let readers stew a little about how they're going to get together... think of it as emotional foreplay.

Caleb: I wasn't sure if "theater technical director" is a full-time position or if that's just a side responsibility as part of a teaching role (at my school it would have been a drama teacher doing that kind of stuff). But even if he's not a teacher, he's staff at Emilie's school and in a position of authority over her.

I saw a fair bit of angst about the age gap between them but virtually nothing about that staff-student angle. He does say "I don't socialize with kids outside of work" but not directly in connection with her; the only time it really seems to surface is after they're established as a couple and the blackmail angle begins.

In most school systems that would be considered as much of a problem as the age gap, and quite likely grounds for him to be fired. If he's the caring guy that he's portrayed at, he ought to have some ethical concerns about this. It seems odd that they don't talk about it more.

 

[EverLux]

Thank you for taking the time to read!

Pacing. You introduce Caleb as Emilie's crush and approximately thirty seconds later they're throwing themselves on one another. That works fine in a stroke story, but for the kind of story you're telling here I think you could've afforded to take a bit more time building up to that. Show them interacting early on, establish her crush, but let readers stew a little about how they're going to get together... think of it as emotional foreplay.

When I started this story, it was meant to be more of a stroker. At that point, I didn't plan on writing anything but strokers. Then, of course, I fell in love with the characters and wanted to keep it going.
You're right, though, and I'll likely end up fixing this part of it at some point.

Caleb: I wasn't sure if "theater technical director" is a full-time position or if that's just a side responsibility as part of a teaching role (at my school it would have been a drama teacher doing that kind of stuff). But even if he's not a teacher, he's staff at Emilie's school and in a position of authority over her.

I saw a fair bit of angst about the age gap between them but virtually nothing about that staff-student angle. He does say "I don't socialize with kids outside of work" but not directly in connection with her; the only time it really seems to surface is after they're established as a couple and the blackmail angle begins.

In most school systems that would be considered as much of a problem as the age gap, and quite likely grounds for him to be fired. If he's the caring guy that he's portrayed at, he ought to have some ethical concerns about this. It seems odd that they don't talk about it more.

The tech director at my school was full-time, but thinking back on it, that's probably because we hosted a lot of community and regional theater, too, and is likely uncommon at other schools.

As for the staff-student part of it, aside from what you quoted, there was a brief mention of the risks he was taking for her in Emilie's internal monologue. Emphasis on brief, though.

Thanks again. I'd like to give this story a tune-up in the future, so this is definitely helpful

 

[Bramblethorn]

Another victim of erotica scope creep ;-)

 

[EverLux]

Another victim of erotica scope creep ;-)

(aka I have no idea what that means) lol

 

[lovecraft68]

I didn't read the stories you linked, but as you know I read one of your other ones which I greatly enjoyed.

I'm just popping in here to say, that you're already moving on from being a 'baby writer' every word, sentence, paragraph and story takes you further and further from that to learning your craft, developing your own style and 'growing'

 

[EverLux]

I didn't read the stories you linked, but as you know I read one of your other ones which I greatly enjoyed.

I'm just popping in here to say, that you're already moving on from being a 'baby writer' every word, sentence, paragraph and story takes you further and further from that to learning your craft, developing your own style and 'growing'

Toddler writer on wobbly legs, then?

Thanks, LC.
And i would never ask you to read the stories I linked--unless I sneak another glory hole in one of them. Nah. Probably not even then. lol

 

[Bramblethorn]

(aka I have no idea what that means) lol

Scope creep: when you start a project and it grows to become much longer/more complicated/more expensive than the original concept.

(My first story here was originally written as a one-shot, then I decided to continue it on a plan of about 6 chapters, ended up at 14. But I did finish it... eventually.)

 

[EverLux]

Scope creep: when you start a project and it grows to become much longer/more complicated/more expensive than the original concept.

(My first story here was originally written as a one-shot, then I decided to continue it on a plan of about 6 chapters, ended up at 14. But I did finish it... eventually.)

Ahhh yes. Pretty much exactly that

I went from "I'll bet I could get people off" to "Hey, this writing thing is actually fun--maybe I should give it a real shot."

I'm thinking the fourth chapter of this will be the last (probably... we'll see). I can't imagine putting the characters through too much more turmoil. lol

 

[lovecraft68]

Toddler writer on wobbly legs, then?

I'm still in my terrible twos

 

[EverLux]

I'm still in my terrible twos

You just like the "terrible" part

 

[Jay321]

You just like the "terrible" part

you beat me to it.

 

[8letters]

You start your story by giving your main character a strong voice. Lots of internal dialogue, though she seems to ramble a lot. The Eric discourse didn't make a bunch of sense except as a set up for later chapters. Then she spews all over her dress and most of the internal dialogue stops.

What's her plan after she sends Eric a text? Why doesn't she ask for help? Why does she think "Of course" when she finds the ladies room is locked? Why does she think everyone else is gone?

There should be no way everyone else is gone. No school employee is going to lock up the school without making sure everyone has left.

When Caleb discovers her, it feels forced to me because Emilie has made so many odd unexplained decisions. So I think your story would have been stronger if you had had Emile share her thoughts more once you got the plot rolling.