Squire Adela: a fantastic adventure (feedback request)

[SilenceDances]

Squire Adela: a fantastic adventure (constructive criticism request)

Squire Adela is a high fantasy adventure, full of tangled love, varied sexual tastes, and M/F steamy sex.

I've really enjoyed writing my first erotica, and would love any feedback. I recently posted my second instalment, and realized the first part needed more work.

I love constructive criticism.

 

[8letters]

It was okay. I'd prefer a lot more world building and character development. You need to slow down and explain things. I felt there was too many unexplained plot threads. There's a sex scene, but it seems sort of tossed in there. It's way too short.

 

[SilenceDances]

It was okay. I'd prefer a lot more world building and character development. You need to slow down and explain things. I felt there was too many unexplained plot threads. There's a sex scene, but it seems sort of tossed in there. It's way too short.

I have a really solid idea of the world and the characters in my head. What can I do to better introduce them to people?

Unexplained plot-threads? Could you give me an example?

By way too short, do you mean the sex scene, or the story?

p.s.

Thank you for the response.

p.p.s.

Just realized you were probably responding only to chapter one (right?). I'll have to edit that, and see if I can flesh it out a bit. My questions still stand, though.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Re. your intro note: if somebody's going to steal your story (and that does happen, alas) they will probably look at the beginning and end of it and delete any notes that mention the original author. What I do is to hide a short note somewhere in the middle of the story; that way a copy-and-paste thief won't notice it, but anybody who reads the stolen work will see.

"medieval-esk" - should be "esque".

"The final battle raged" - but after that sentence, you go immediately to its aftermath. It's fine to start with the aftermath, OR to start in the heat of battle, but don't promise a battle and then not deliver.

"At the end of the battle, it was difficult to tell which country had won. Marks from man, and magic, marred the once fertile fields. There stood Dame Golden, looking grave, yet triumphant. She bore that look through the weeks of celebration." - within this paragraph you've abruptly shifted from a moment in time (at the end of the battle) to something taking place over several weeks.

It's sort of like watching a film where one moment you're seeing a close-up and the next the camera has zoomed way out to a long shot; there are times when that might be a useful effect, but if it happens at random it's just disorienting for the audience. It's easier to take such changes when they happen at a natural break - scene change in a film, or paragraph break in prose.

Maybe more later, I need to get back to work

 

[SilenceDances]

Re. your intro note: if somebody's going to steal your story (and that does happen, alas) they will probably look at the beginning and end of it and delete any notes that mention the original author. What I do is to hide a short note somewhere in the middle of the story; that way a copy-and-paste thief won't notice it, but anybody who reads the stolen work will see.

It's sort of like watching a film where one moment you're seeing a close-up and the next the camera has zoomed way out to a long shot; there are times when that might be a useful effect, but if it happens at random it's just disorienting for the audience. It's easier to take such changes when they happen at a natural break - scene change in a film, or paragraph break in prose.

Maybe more later, I need to get back to work

Thank you very much for the detailed critique. I'll take this to heart. I'll get to work editing the things people have pointed out, and keep working on it as I hear more. I won't post the edits until I get it to a place where I can be satisfied.

 

[NOIRTRASH]

Larded with what I call NOMINALIZATIONS. Nominalizations are shortcuts where writers try to make nouns of processes. Chivalry and liberty and love and courage don't exist in any epistemological sense. You cant weigh or measure them or tote them in a wheelbarrow. Theyre really verbs, and verbs aren't things.

That said, adjectives and adverbs are nominalizations, too, but do the job when RED or WARMLY get the idea across better than a science paper.

 

[SilenceDances]

Larded with what I call NOMINALIZATIONS. Nominalizations are shortcuts where writers try to make nouns of processes. Chivalry and liberty and love and courage don't exist in any epistemological sense. You cant weigh or measure them or tote them in a wheelbarrow. Theyre really verbs, and verbs aren't things.

That said, adjectives and adverbs are nominalizations, too, but do the job when RED or WARMLY get the idea across better than a science paper.

Ah, I think the system I put it through told me I used the passive voice too much. In trying to change that, i must have run into a new issue. Thank you for telling me about nominalizations. I didn't even know that was a thing. Now I'll just have to figure out how to fix it.

 

[NOIRTRASH]

Ah, I think the system I put it through told me I used the passive voice too much. In trying to change that, i must have run into a new issue. Thank you for telling me about nominalizations. I didn't even know that was a thing. Now I'll just have to figure out how to fix it.

Most writers ignore nominalizations, because the fix is a pain in the ass and swells the word count. I suggest awareness of it to add luster to your prose. As I said, no one wants a science paper about her sexy, wet, red lips. BUT if the nominalization is unfamiliar, show what you mean.

Example: NOT DAPHNE HADDA MERCURIAL (labile) PERSONALITY. THIS EVERY TIME REGINALD WAS AROUND DAPHNE FOR MORE THAN FIFTEEN MINUTES HE WANTED TO STAB HER THROUGH THE HEART WITH HIS PENCIL.

 

[8letters]

Unexplained plot-threads? Could you give me an example?

* How does magic work in your world? You mention "Magicians and witches, glad to have a break from battle magic, created beautiful light shows" without giving context as to what is a magician and what is a witch
* You say "Dragons, and other intelligent creatures, came to enjoy the free food." What other intelligent creatures? How do humans interact with them? Were they involved in the war?
* Once the war is over, Sir Marcus goes from a virgin to a Lothario in a few weeks. Why?
* What is the society's attitude towards sex? Does everyone have sex with everyone? Do all nobles have sex with all other nobles? What about marriage? Birth control? Sir Marcus fucking every woman needs to be put in context
* You're telling a lot of the story from Sir Marcus' point of view, but you don't explain what he's thinking. He has the hots for Adela, but doesn't act on it. But he's fucked a third of the women in the castle
* Why did seeing Adela naked cause Sir Marcus to not sleep? He's seen so many naked women
* A dragon was a squire and is now a knight? How does that work? How do dragons shift into human form? Dragons in your world are not given anywhere near the explanation they should get
* Why can't the people know about the massacre in the village? Won't it be impossible to hide?
* Why is Clarell working for the King now?
* Why is Dame Golden so protective of Sir Marcus?
* What happened to all the other knights that went to Devia with Dame Golden?
* What is the ruling structure of your kingdom? You have a king, then a knight/dame with a castle, then knights, then squires. Anything else? Seems like an inadequate structure to rule a kingdom of any size
* If you're trying to build chemistry between Sir Marcus and Adela, you need to provide reasons why each is attracted to the other. The only thing attractive about them so far is that Sir Marcus is a knight and Adela is a squire
* Why can't Sir Marcus afford more squires?
* Why does Sir Marcus want Adela out of his sight that day?
* Lynn seems really creepy. Just pops up to help Adela, sent by his unnamed master. This in a region that had a major rebel population three years ago
* In Medieval times, social rank was everything. Lynn shows up and Adela is not interested in his rank. Why? How important is social rank in your society?
* Again, there's no context for the sex between Adela and Lynn. Is it common to say, "Let me thank you for the help by fucking you?"

By way too short, do you mean the sex scene, or the story?

The sex scene. It wasn't two full paragraphs.

Just realized you were probably responding only to chapter one (right?). I'll have to edit that, and see if I can flesh it out a bit. My questions still stand, though.

I read the next posting after I posted the above. It opens a bunch of new cans of worms
* You need to explain how religion works in your world.
* There's no way that Adela didn't know who Sir Lynn was when he showed up in the stables. He was one of the most powerful people in the kingdom. She probably fought with him. She saw him get a castle from the king.
* The whole "Sir Marcus knocked up Sir Lynn's wife and then Sir Lynn killed her and the baby" plot point needs a massive explanation. That's a fight-to-the-death event, a blood feud event, a justification for Sir Lynn to go to war with Dame Golden event. Sir Marcus passes it off as a minor thing, like Sir Lynn accused him of cheating at dice one time.

 

[SilenceDances]

* How does magic work in your world? You mention "Magicians and witches, glad to have a break from battle magic, created beautiful light shows" without giving context as to what is a magician and what is a witch

[...]

I read the next posting after I posted the above. It opens a bunch of new cans of worms

(I shortened the quote because I want to respond to it without a block of text above my response. I loved every bullet-point.)


I rarely use emoticons, but my heart is squealing in delight. Thank you. I love world building, and you have given me so much material to think on.

 

[sr71plt]

Ah, I think the system I put it through told me I used the passive voice too much. In trying to change that, i must have run into a new issue. Thank you for telling me about nominalizations. I didn't even know that was a thing. Now I'll just have to figure out how to fix it.

It isn't much of a "thing." You'll soon learn that James (currently going under the name of Noirtrash) is just here to trash and specializes in "let me tell you what I don't know" guidance.

 

[SilenceDances]

It isn't much of a "thing." You'll soon learn that James (currently going under the name of Noirtrash) is just here to trash and specializes in "let me tell you what I don't know" guidance.

I mean, in my head it translated to "show, not tell." So regardless of intent, I am liking the edits that their advice has caused.

 

[NOIRTRASH]

https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/1002/01/

Writers are welcome to embrace or reject any information offered. I am not obliged to conform to PILOTs bounded rationality about the world, nor his demand to be worshipped. I keep the dum cunt on iggy.

 

[SilenceDances]

https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/1002/01/

Writers are welcome to embrace or reject any information offered.

Thank you for the constructive content. That explanation makes more sense to me as to what a nominalization is.

As for arguing on both your accounts, I really do not know enough to judge either of you, and would request that on my threads you moderate your responses. You don't have to like each other, but I prefer to have safe spaces, with at least civility, if not kindness.
Thank you both for respecting me.

 

[sr71plt]

nor his demand to be worshipped.

This is precious. Who initiates at least three "pay attention to me" threads to the forum each day?