anyone else have an issue with a partner who has dominating difficulties???

[Belle_Of_The_Balls0323]

My husband seems to be having a difficulty with being too rough and/or dominating.... We have already had a discussion and know each other's limits but no matter what I say he still seems to think I'm breakable!!

 

[CutieMouse]

How many years of conditioning do you think your husband is having to overcome, to feel comfortable to be even a little rough with you?

Society doesn't teach men to not hit women except... Society teaches men to not hit.

Society doesn't teach men that wives & mothers can enjoy being treated like whores... Society teaches men that whores are whites, and wives/mothers are wives/mothers.

Add to that, you've probably been fantasizing, imagining, reading (erotica or romance novels) or watching porn that breaks those social "real men don't hit women" rules a lot longer than he's known about your interest/desire.

Cut the man some slack.

The best thing you can do, is encourage. He smacks your ass? Thank him. Tell him how good it felt. Remind him how much you enjoy it. Let him know you'll happily bend over for a spanking any time he likes (then do that).

 

[MastersDelight]

My hubby had the same issue for a long time. What finally helped was a safe word, and expressing (about 1000x) that I would use said word when things went too far. Then in session we communicated A LOT. I would tell him higher, lower, harder, softer, faster, slower, more, more, MORE. Until after a while he stopped hearing my words and started understanding my body language.

Another thing we did was a level test. We would start soft, whether it be his hand or a tool, and build. Each strike harder than the last in a very slow and steady build. He can see you react, ask if you want more or to stop, and you can both gather a better understanding of your limits. We always play this game when we use something we haven't before.

Hope this helps, if you have other questions you can always PM me.

 

[Tommybowler]

I'm new to the scene and male. I am now with an amazing lady who has reall opened up to me. We have built trust over time.

I had watched a lot of bdsm porn and much of it was not for me. But I know what I like and enjoy, as long as my partner is enjoying it too.

Over time I have been able to spank her harder and this was able to happen as the poster above said communication lots of it both ways. It not only builds trust between you but trust in yourself.

She has asked to introduce hair pulling and face slapping. The face slapping is really hard for me. I want to do it as its what she wants but the issue is with trusting myself to not slap too hard. I have no desire to bruise her face or cause bleeding that would destroy me.

It will take time and communication and support for us to reach that, I hope we do as it is something that really turns her on.

Also I need to trust she will use her safe word before we have taken something too far. She does not like safe words and trusts me so much she thinks they are not needed I'm going to be working on this a lot now as things are moving on between us faster and she is really opening up to say what she wants.

So think about what I have said it could be he needs to learn to trust himself too.

Tom X

 

[desertslave]

My ex is probably even less PYL than I am. We had a vanilla marriage but even so it drove me nuts when he would constantly defer to me. Make a decision, dammit!

It wasn't the only reason, but it was one of the big ones than gave me the nudge to end the relationship.

 

[LallyH]

My husband seems to be having a difficulty with being too rough and/or dominating.... We have already had a discussion and know each other's limits but no matter what I say he still seems to think I'm breakable!!

He sounds like a good guy .

If someone asked me to hit them, (just as an example), I wouldn't really know where to start because I have no experience of it, and if I get it wrong there could be serious damage. It's not the sort of thing that people get to practice in the normal run of things and, in particular, men are usually brought up to believe that hurting or being rough with women is wrong, and quite rightly so.

My husband was the same - he was terrified of being too rough, damaging me and our relationship. You will need to give yours a lot of encouragement, reassurance and support as your relationship develops. Be patient with him and give him time for his confidence to grow. You may learn things about yourself as well - what you like, what you don't like, what you thought you would like then realised that you didn't. So communication is key to having fun but safely . Have lots more discussions, enjoy the journey and let us know how you get on.

 

[jocklover]

Hi there I am new to this and a married male .my wife is normally very pc about sex but now she has brought to my attention that she truly wants me to dominate her we have had our first session and it went great I spanked with a few things she seems to like it hard . The build up was amazing she had never been so wet .it is still hard for me to treat my wife like this .untill she took her wedding ring off then she became my bottom we both deeply enjoy our new found fun and are now lookin to test the boundaries I am a snap lover and she knows this

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[hooterbif]

My husband seems to be having a difficulty with being too rough and/or dominating.... We have already had a discussion and know each other's limits but no matter what I say he still seems to think I'm breakable!!

Is the problem that he does not quite know WHAT to do and WHEN?

I think that for me, I am sometimes sexually/emotionally disconnected from the sub. I don't always sense the level of her excitement. If she flinches, I sometimes wonder if I am supposed to stop. I hesitate. I hold back. It is a huge turnoff to her, which then leads to a downward spiral.

Perhaps your man needs more confidence.

 

[_Necrosomantic_]

When introducing any kind of rough play into an established relationship, there is going to be a very slow start as the thought of possibly injuring someone you care for is/should be something that gives pause.

You have to be willing to go slow and find your stride, this goes for both D and s. An overzealous Dom is just as likely to end a relationship as a greedy sub who demands to much from someone with little to no experience. It's not a race, slow down. I sympathize with anyone who's needs aren't being met, but you have to walk before you can run TC. In my experience, and please forgive my analogy, but a sub who is trying to instruct his/her Dom ( THE VERY IDEA!!! ) should treat the situation somewhat similar to dog training. You need to give praise, positive reinforcement, and remain firm so they understand what you're asking/expecting of them. After a while, they will pick up on the subtleties of your body and know what you want based purely on feeling and reaction.

 

[subintraining28]

I have a similar struggle. My husband is a Dom but he never really goes as far as I would like. I ask him for more and try to communicate what I want but never seems to quite get there. My skin turns red quickly even when I am ok he's afraid he's going to do permanent damage. I communicate what I want but I also have to remember as a sub that ultimately how far he pushes me and what type of pleasure he brings me is up to him. At the end of the day that's the choice I made. Otherwise I'm just topping from the bottom. Its something that's been incredibly hard for me to learn and accept being new to this lifestyle. Communication is key!

 

[Joeknoxville]

I can offer my opinion from the other side. My wife and I will switch roles sometimes, and although we don't do it that frequently, she feels the urge to Dom me once in a while. It took her a long time to understand that my cock wasn't going to break in half if she slapped it too hard, and my balls weren't going to explode if she accidentally squeezed them a little too hard. It took lots of communication and encouragement to get her to be as aggressive as I hoped she would be with me. So far nothing has broken in half or exploded, and she enjoys doing what she does when she feels the need.

 

[HubbyApproves]

I'm in the same situation as OP. Grateful for the varied and considered responses, so very educational

 

[cookiecat]

I have a similar struggle. My husband is a Dom but he never really goes as far as I would like. I ask him for more and try to communicate what I want but never seems to quite get there. My skin turns red quickly even when I am ok he's afraid he's going to do permanent damage. I communicate what I want but I also have to remember as a sub that ultimately how far he pushes me and what type of pleasure he brings me is up to him. At the end of the day that's the choice I made. Otherwise I'm just topping from the bottom. Its something that's been incredibly hard for me to learn and accept being new to this lifestyle. Communication is key!

I don't think asking for what you want is topping from the bottom. You said it - communication is key.

It's one thing if he's pushing you as far as he wants. It's another if he's kinda maybe pushing you a little and doesn't really know how far to go quite yet.

That all comes with each experience you have, though, right? He'll get to know your responses better, how far he can go each time you play.

 

[cookiecat]

When introducing any kind of rough play into an established relationship, there is going to be a very slow start as the thought of possibly injuring someone you care for is/should be something that gives pause.

You have to be willing to go slow and find your stride, this goes for both D and s. An overzealous Dom is just as likely to end a relationship as a greedy sub who demands to much from someone with little to no experience. It's not a race, slow down. I sympathize with anyone who's needs aren't being met, but you have to walk before you can run TC. In my experience, and please forgive my analogy, but a sub who is trying to instruct his/her Dom ( THE VERY IDEA!!! ) should treat the situation somewhat similar to dog training. You need to give praise, positive reinforcement, and remain firm so they understand what you're asking/expecting of them. After a while, they will pick up on the subtleties of your body and know what you want based purely on feeling and reaction.

Oops! I just replied to a post and said something similar but this is way way more eloquent.

When I was new, I wanted to do EVERYTHING immediately. It's true though, take your time, learn from each experience and enjoy.

 

[newkinkyguy]

Oops! I just replied to a post and said something similar but this is way way more eloquent.

When I was new, I wanted to do EVERYTHING immediately. It's true though, take your time, learn from each experience and enjoy.

I was guilty of the same thing. I guess it's the excitement of it all & also that need to satisfy your partner. I get a lot from sexually satisfying my girlfriend, it's the biggest turn on!

I've reined myself in a bit now, but do get excited for the next time we play

 

[KimGordon67]

I think 'it's not a race' is the best advice ever. I'm in a relationship that's probably more s/m than d/s (if it has to be labelled at all), but we only see each other once a month or so, and seem to have fallen into a pattern of introducing something new - but only one thing - each time, and seeing how we go with that. He is a little worried about hurting me - physically, but probably more so emotionally - so he usually waits until I ask him to do something, but once I do, he responds with huge enthusiasm, and escalates whatever it is until he knows he's reached the limit (which he's able to judge with great accuracy). Every now and then I kind of wish he'd suggest something that I might not think of myself ... but we're a long way from running out of the things that I can think of, and in the greater scheme of things, I have someone I totally trust who really knows what he's doing and has my happiness as his main focus, and the relatively slowness of it allows us to talk through specific things and make sure they're really working for both of us ... and then think about where we might go next.

 

[Caleb_Mueller]

My husband seems to be having a difficulty with being too rough and/or dominating.... We have already had a discussion and know each other's limits but no matter what I say he still seems to think I'm breakable!!

Well, from my perspective (it seems I have a lot in common with your husband), I first have to ask you for your definition of "having difficulty with.."

I have a struggle, and it could be what your husband is going through. I struggle with my own boundaries. Sometimes I imaging I have no boundaries. That's my goal, anyway.

My wife has total trust in me, and wherever I may take a scene, and that's my problem. Knowing this, my sadist reaction is to 'test'. My tests are harsh. But I keep bumping up against my knowledge of her trust, and my deep love for her.

Those are MY two biggest hurdles. Crossing those borders, I may find a whole different world. Am I ready for that? I wonder...