Relationship evolving. Dom sub

[Tommybowler]

Hi I'm looking for some advice. I started see my gf about six months ago. Surprisingly we met via tinder. There was an instant connection lots of chatting about pretty much anything.

It turned to sex and I had the feeling she was a submissive. So we had our first meeting chatted peck on the cheek. Our on line chat continued and we decided on having a first date. I'm not clear how it hAppened but I got to chooses what she would wear. Being the guy I am skirt. Stockings panties button up blouse and a bra that would not hide her nipples if she was aroused.

She was very keen on the idea and so we met for the date chatted had coffee made out in the park and agreed I would drop her home and when we got to the car she would remove her panties and give them to me before we set off.

She had soaked her panties by the time we got to the car but due to the tightness of the skirt was unable to get the panties off despite trying incredibly hard. She was very apologetic I was understanding and said it was great she had done so much and had tried.

Our next meeting was to play. She was not sure if she was a sub but wanted to play and we had agreed what we would do in advance. Panties wIn mouth while taken from behind and some other things nothing hard core. She shied away from having a safe word and I had to determin when to stop by other means leading to a lot of caution on my part. I'll post the rest and get to the point in my next post.

 

[Tommybowler]

So over time our relationship has developed. She was unsure if she was submissive and I have not pushed the point. I just want us to be doing what is comfortable for both of us and be in a place where she can be who she truly is. I am only her second sexual partner. She married her high school sweetheart. And now they are separated.

As we have continued. She has been very keen to try new things. She loves spanking, being taken roughly, some pretty hard nipple play, she has asked me to slap her face, I'm not keen on it but I try when we are both in the right place.

Her go to porn is one girl two guys and dp she wants me to watch her mastabate to this and I'm looking forward to it. As part of this she wants to try anal and we have been playing around her back Door.

She recently said she thinks I'm right that she is submissive and wants to explore it further. I'm happy to do this as the dynamic between us is that way sexually anyway.

Due to circumstances she has been out the country for just over a week now and our online chatting has been on the sub don topic. I think the separation has allowed her to be open in messages. I upped the Dom side a bit and she said she loved it and had always wanted a man to take control sexually. So far so good. It's a journey I think I am helping her navigate with patience and love and the building of trust. Tbc

 

[Tommybowler]

I'm learning the Dom role as I go as is she learning to express her subbie side. Last night she wanted to work on how she would thank me when we meet next. She tried with her being the Dom with her masturbating and her directing me. A tried to steer her back to the sub position of asking/ begging for what she wanted she resisted so I let her run with it. She quickly became dissatisfied with the scenario stopping and petulantly saying my fantasy scenario s were better, mine have me as Dom and hers as the sub and she gets really turned on and excited. It was getting late so we said good night expressed love for each other and went to sleep.

So this morning I told her her scenario was hot and had good ideas, I did not comment on it last night, and asked her to think about the scenario but but placing herself in the role of sub and to express her power and desires that way and see how she responds to it.

We also touched on a subject I would like to explore that is her peeing so I can see. I have an interest in women peeing and the dynamic of her showing me the stream leave her body as my submissive and at my direction is a huge turn on, I have many turn ons, she has put this as a soft limit and is willing to return to it another time. I reassured her it's good to set limits and it's not an issue when she does.

I think I'm handling this new situation well but I'm mindful not to fall into any pitfalls so I would welcome advice from those on the boards with more miles in the clock in the Dom sub playground.

Thanks tom

 

[evest12]

fun

Sounds like you're doing well....she's already set her limit on pee play with a willingness to return to it.....I personally would go more with the role play, forced dress, try her having an orgasm in public.....or other scenarios outside the bedroom, maybe a night out where you direct everything, starting with her dress, order what she drinks, eats, give her tasks to complete while out.....masturbating in the bathroom, takin off her bra, panties etc....maybe flirting with others.....men/women....bj in the car.....or pussy play with no finish....in the bedroom step up the rough play....orgasm thru nipple play, possible light clamps...they do sell different clamp "resistance"....make her masturbate in front of you....can't hurt...hold her down when your fucking her.....step up the spankings....make her ask for it.....try tying her up before the spanking....have a dildo or vibrator ready to use at the same time or during....there's lots....you two seem to set limits....so you should be ok.....afterwards....not right after...but afterwards....ask her how its going....give her an opportunity to discuss this freely....you'll have a lot more fun and she'll know that you care and want to explore with you....have fun dude...this sounds awesome....

 

[evest12]

fun

Sounds like you're doing well....she's already set her limit on pee play with a willingness to return to it.....I personally would go more with the role play, forced dress, try her having an orgasm in public.....or other scenarios outside the bedroom, maybe a night out where you direct everything, starting with her dress, order what she drinks, eats, give her tasks to complete while out.....masturbating in the bathroom, takin off her bra, panties etc....maybe flirting with others.....men/women....bj in the car.....or pussy play with no finish....in the bedroom step up the rough play....orgasm thru nipple play, possible light clamps...they do sell different clamp "resistance"....make her masturbate in front of you....can't hurt...hold her down when your fucking her.....step up the spankings....make her ask for it.....try tying her up before the spanking....have a dildo or vibrator ready to use at the same time or during....there's lots....you two seem to set limits....so you should be ok.....afterwards....not right after...but afterwards....ask her how its going....give her an opportunity to discuss this freely....you'll have a lot more fun and she'll know that you care and want to explore with you....have fun dude...this sounds awesome....

 

[Tommybowler]

Sounds like you're doing well....she's already set her limit on pee play with a willingness to return to it.....I personally would go more with the role play, forced dress, try her having an orgasm in public.....or other scenarios outside the bedroom, maybe a night out where you direct everything, starting with her dress, order what she drinks, eats, give her tasks to complete while out.....masturbating in the bathroom, takin off her bra, panties etc....maybe flirting with others.....men/women....bj in the car.....or pussy play with no finish....in the bedroom step up the rough play....orgasm thru nipple play, possible light clamps...they do sell different clamp "resistance"....make her masturbate in front of you....can't hurt...hold her down when your fucking her.....step up the spankings....make her ask for it.....try tying her up before the spanking....have a dildo or vibrator ready to use at the same time or during....there's lots....you two seem to set limits....so you should be ok.....afterwards....not right after...but afterwards....ask her how its going....give her an opportunity to discuss this freely....you'll have a lot more fun and she'll know that you care and want to explore with you....have fun dude...this sounds awesome....

We talked more after I posted. She said she was scared I would not want to be her master. I gave her lots of positive compliments and told her how proud I was to be her master.

We have tried role/rope play and when time allows we both want to try again.

I do hold her throat when being very dominant during missionary position not breath play neither of us want that. Also holding one leg to keep her spread works well for us. Or pinning her arms and really going to town on her tits and give very deep hard fucking at the same time. She really enjoys it and soaks the bed.

I'm cautious on clothing outside. I set her a take not long ago to dress as she thinks would please me when she took the train to visit me. She dressed perfectly but I had a really tough mentally exhausting last part of the working day and we did not play. It upset her a lot bespoke my praise for how well she had done and it took till the next evening to sort it all through.

I have told her how to be dressed when I visit her, she should be home Monday, she asked me to give her some orders as I had said there would be not any as she has a long long road trip Sunday night. She knows how to prepare herself and the present she will give me when I arrive.

I'm worried about going to far too soon or not going far enough. Thank you for the advice and suggestions I appreciate it.

 

[SpunThings]

We talked more after I posted. She said she was scared I would not want to be her master. I gave her lots of positive compliments and told her how proud I was to be her master.

We have tried role/rope play and when time allows we both want to try again.

I do hold her throat when being very dominant during missionary position not breath play neither of us want that. Also holding one leg to keep her spread works well for us. Or pinning her arms and really going to town on her tits and give very deep hard fucking at the same time. She really enjoys it and soaks the bed.

I'm cautious on clothing outside. I set her a take not long ago to dress as she thinks would please me when she took the train to visit me. She dressed perfectly but I had a really tough mentally exhausting last part of the working day and we did not play. It upset her a lot bespoke my praise for how well she had done and it took till the next evening to sort it all through.

I have told her how to be dressed when I visit her, she should be home Monday, she asked me to give her some orders as I had said there would be not any as she has a long long road trip Sunday night. She knows how to prepare herself and the present she will give me when I arrive.

I'm worried about going to far too soon or not going far enough. Thank you for the advice and suggestions I appreciate it.

Well if you don't want to go too far just make sure you negotiate everything before you try it first. The important thing here is imformed consent. It sounds like you're already doing that.

Also, not everyone uses a safeword. Sometimes just plain language like "No" or "Hold on." or ant variation of stop is enough. The safeword is really only necessary if your partner likes to protest and doesn't want that to stop play.

 

[Tommybowler]

Well if you don't want to go too far just make sure you negotiate everything before you try it first. The important thing here is imformed consent. It sounds like you're already doing that.

Also, not everyone uses a safeword. Sometimes just plain language like "No" or "Hold on." or ant variation of stop is enough. The safeword is really only necessary if your partner likes to protest and doesn't want that to stop play.

Thank you. That's the thing sometimes she does like protest sometimes even though she does not want me to stop.

We had some fun last night, she is out of the country on family business, hers not mine. She had taken my advice regarding placing herself as the submissive and she described what she wanted. Really told me far more about her desires than before. I have a rule in place that if she touches herself while we are apart she has to send a photo of her wet fingers.

Later I asked her if she had touched and she dodged the question. She admitted she had soaked her panties and had taken them off and then gone shopping. I asked what she was wearing when she went shopping. She got scared I was angry she went out that way and stared apologizing and promising no o e saw my pussy ( she used terms to say it was mine not hers) I pretended to be cross she would go out in a short dress and no nickers. At the end I told her it was fine and I was happy she would go out dressed as slut.

During the play she had claimed not have been wearing a bra. Then admitted she had. I decided that the untruth was a punishable offense. She does not know what the punishment is but I do. As she returns late sundAy we will meet Monday at hers after I finish work. She will be wearing a skirt and top but as requested no panties or bra. The panties she wS wearing prior to my arrival will be given to me as a gift at the front door. So her punishment is we will go for a walk in the park or to the the pub for a drink and she will be dressed only in a skirt and top. After our play she said she loves this game and how happy she is. I think we are on the right track for us.

If there are common pitfalls in d/s relationships that a new d has to be careful of please say.

 

[CutieMouse]

During the play she had claimed not have been wearing a bra. Then admitted she had. I decided that the untruth was a punishable offense. She does not know what the punishment is but I do. As she returns late sundAy we will meet Monday at hers after I finish work. She will be wearing a skirt and top but as requested no panties or bra. The panties she wS wearing prior to my arrival will be given to me as a gift at the front door. So her punishment is we will go for a walk in the park or to the the pub for a drink and she will be dressed only in a skirt and top. After our play she said she loves this game and how happy she is. I think we are on the right track for us.

If there are common pitfalls in d/s relationships that a new d has to be careful of please say.

Common pitfall - getting caught up in the "game" of "punishment", and realizing down the road that you're created a monster.

PYL - Were you braless like I told you to be?

pyl - Yeeeeahhhhh... actually no.

PYL - I'm going to have to punish you for that! When we go out to the pub Saturday night, you don't get to wear any lingerie at all!

pyl - Okay... I really love it when you don't let me wear my lingerie in public! (Please, please don't throw me in that briar patch, Master! *wink wink nudge nudge*)

Soooooo... if the infraction (wearing a bra when you told her not to) really is a punishable offense, why are you doing something she enjoys? Because if you really do want her to do what you tell her to, giving her what she wants [for disobeying] isn't going to do it.

Everybody has their own way of doing this stuff, and I'm not saying how you're doing things is bad or anything... just that lots of people look up one day and find themselves in a relationship where one person breaks the rules to get "punished" (Yay! If I don't do what I'm told, I get Spankings!), and the other person is wondering why the hell punishment isn't changing the undesirable behavior.

 

[Blue]

_____

 

[Tommybowler]

Common pitfall - getting caught up in the "game" of "punishment", and realizing down the road that you're created a monster.

PYL - Were you braless like I told you to be?

pyl - Yeeeeahhhhh... actually no.

PYL - I'm going to have to punish you for that! When we go out to the pub Saturday night, you don't get to wear any lingerie at all!

pyl - Okay... I really love it when you don't let me wear my lingerie in public! (Please, please don't throw me in that briar patch, Master! *wink wink nudge nudge*)

Soooooo... if the infraction (wearing a bra when you told her not to) really is a punishable offense, why are you doing something she enjoys? Because if you really do want her to do what you tell her to, giving her what she wants [for disobeying] isn't going to do it.

Everybody has their own way of doing this stuff, and I'm not saying how you're doing things is bad or anything... just that lots of people look up one day and find themselves in a relationship where one person breaks the rules to get "punished" (Yay! If I don't do what I'm told, I get Spankings!), and the other person is wondering why the hell punishment isn't changing the undesirable behavior.

Yes I stumbled on this with spanking. It's not a punishment it's a reward. So I'm looking at not spanking for breaking a rule. Or orgasam denial which will be hard She currently comes very easily.

Re Monday's "punishment' the idea was that as she could go out without panties in a place she is not known and in the past had not wanted to do so, or at least said that but I was not convinced, in the city she lives in, so this is more me using it it push a very soft boundary of hers. That and I really like it when she is without underwear, she rarely wears a bra unless at work. Also it's to build trust she will be safe I won't expose her to anyone.

 

[Tommybowler]

^

Playing is nice and fun and all but if your aim is actual behaviour modification then:
1) That is a horribly ineffective method.
2) Make sure she's aware of what you're doing because altering somebody's general personality potentially against their whim really isn't a nice thing to do and so that it doesn't backfire in your face when she starts thinking that's you're playing manipulative mind games.

The most effective form of behavioural conditioning for all mammals is positive/negative reinforcement, which doesn't mean to treat them in a harsh way (e.g kicking a dog when it growls doesn't refine the dogs behaviour, it just makes it terrified of you and hurts it).
Don't want a polar bear chomping on the heads of kids? Take away its favourite ball when it does it.
Don't want a human acting up? Stop giving them attention when they do. Or stop using their favourite instrument or just plainly tell them that they're making you unhappy and that their behaviour isn't appreciated.

Here's a simple chart:

https://figures.boundless-cdn.com/31539/large/yjh0qdsqlzlkxwt2zwgs.png

Thanks I am aware of positive re enforcement, social care background, I'm not really trying to modify her behavior, at least not intentionally, it feels more like giving her the space to be what she is safely. I don't want to change her just let her be free to be her. If that makes sense

 

[SpunThings]

I hope you have discussed this "funishment " with her. If not, you don't know if she's taking this seriously, or sees it as the play that you do. Also, don't pretend to be upset about something unless it is very clear to both of you it is roleplay. Be sure she knows you aren't really taking issue with something then changing your mind. That could mess with someone, especially if her motivation is to please or serve you.

If she wants to protest , but have you not stop, you need to lay down the law about safewords. Otherwise make it known to her you can't trust her ability to communicate real issues like real emotional distress or a cramp or major injury. If you need to, end play every time she protests to show her how important it is to have a clear way for her to say she's not happy. You are taking a personal risk in continuing to play after she says no, and she needs to respect that. Part of that is agreeing to a safeword for your own piece of mind that consent is always there, and that play ends the instance it is revoked.

 

[Tommybowler]

We had a text play session go wrong yesterday. She is back in the country now so we will be face to face again.

There was a miscommunication regarding a forfeit. It confused the hell out of me.

I'll go back to before the problem. We or at least I thought we had agreed if she touched herself I should be informed by her sending a photo of her wet fingers after the event. I know she is uncomfortable with selfies and she hates how her pussy looks, I love it btw and tell her whenever I see it. So to stay in her comfort zone I had come up with this idea in the week and discussed it. On Saturday she sent me a photo of one breast unasked to please me and it did and I told her so. On Sunday she sent a picture of both.

Sunday afternoon she wanted to tell me what she will do tonight to thank me for the support I have given while she deals with family shit and I was the go to person to forget about it all as I know she did not need another person asking the same damn questions.

So it got very hot for both of us she said if she touched her clit she would come. I said then do it. She dashed some place private had a quick play but was unable to cum. So then the problem started. Stalling making excuses explained the rule and the reasons behind it. Gave her a choice pussy or fingers guessing she would go for the less embarrassing option. And it failed we talked out of play. And she said she hates selfies of her, but likes them of me, and she thought I was as joking when we discussed it the first time and at least once a day after.

So tonight I think we really need to sit down and discuss what she wants from our play how serious it is for her and so on because after this I am doubtful that I understand at all right now. We did agree no series unless she decides to send them unasked and I'm good with that.

 

[Tommybowler]

Long story short. Life is great. Great reunion today and I realised I'm going to far too fast.

 

[Tommybowler]

It's been so long since we played, sorting out stuff In another country and staying in the place killed all ideas of play. But we are back in our adopted home country now and have playtime planned for Friday. My kids are away with their mum hers is taken care of and I am pet slitting in a lovely house with a huge tub, ac and broad band.

She has recently discovered she loves having her tits spanked and in a meeting of minds via sms this came to pass.

Puppy, what are your plans Friday night,
Me tying you up and taking y from there. Puppy at same time do you have some rope I would love to be tied up.

So that's Friday sorted both thinking the same.

Any advice regarding knots, I have mAstered the reef knot but it's not much use for this activity I think.

Oh and ladies of lit. Would you have any advice for the puppy regarding taking a load in your mouth without choking? She loves giving oral or having me fuck her face and wants to be a good girl and not loose my cum but we have tried a couple of times with advanced warning and she just coughs and gags. My poor puppy is very sad about this and despite being early 40s I am only the second sexual partner she has had. I gave her advice to block the flow with her tongue but either she forgets or it does not work.

On a side not I came off my ssri tablets after two or three years and have had some worries about lasting long enough, the tablets made ejaculating Easy to control, well more like very hard to get and now I'm off them it has been harder not to cum, puppy is happy she felt bad if I did not ejaculate but to be honest I loved not bent able to cum as I could fuck for an hour or more and make her cum so much we had to wring the sheets out afterwards.

 

[Drinkmein]

I'm learning the Dom role as I go as is she learning to express her subbie side. Last night she wanted to work on how she would thank me when we meet next. She tried with her being the Dom with her masturbating and her directing me. A tried to steer her back to the sub position of asking/ begging for what she wanted she resisted so I let her run with it. She quickly became dissatisfied with the scenario stopping and petulantly saying my fantasy scenario s were better, mine have me as Dom and hers as the sub and she gets really turned on and excited. It was getting late so we said good night expressed love for each other and went to sleep.

So this morning I told her her scenario was hot and had good ideas, I did not comment on it last night, and asked her to think about the scenario but but placing herself in the role of sub and to express her power and desires that way and see how she responds to it.

We also touched on a subject I would like to explore that is her peeing so I can see. I have an interest in women peeing and the dynamic of her showing me the stream leave her body as my submissive and at my direction is a huge turn on, I have many turn ons, she has put this as a soft limit and is willing to return to it another time. I reassured her it's good to set limits and it's not an issue when she does.

I think I'm handling this new situation well but I'm mindful not to fall into any pitfalls so I would welcome advice from those on the boards with more miles in the clock in the Dom sub playground.

Thanks tom

I hope she will return to the idea of pee play. When done right, can really build trust and intimacy. It doesn't have to be degrading.

 

[Tommybowler]

I hope she will return to the idea of pee play. When done right, can really build trust and intimacy. It doesn't have to be degrading.

Totaly not wanting it to be degrading, fun and kinky yes,

But as a bonus she really does squirt a lot and we have had some fun with that,