Should I Tell Her?

[Lied2]

My wife and I have been married for 34 years. We have three kids, but my wife does not know that I know that our youngest child, a son, is not mine. He is 21 now, and while I had always suspected I was not his biological father, my suspicions were confirmed when he was 10 years old. He is going through some mental health problems now, and I feel like knowledge of his biological father's family history may help to diagnose his problems. His psychologist claims that this kind of information is interesting, but it is not diagnostic. While all that can be argued back and forth, it brings up a question I have wrestled with all these years. Should I tell my wife that I know?

You should know that I love my wife. Had I learned of this lie earlier in our marriage things may have gone very differently, but by the time I found out, we had been married for 23 years, and she and I had already overcome tremendous challenges. At this point, I feel certain that we will make it to "till death do you part," and between us and our kids, we are a very strong and loving family.

Is there any value in telling her what I know?

 

[tnhardon]

Chances are, you probably already know he answer to your question, if you honestly ask yourself. This is really only a question you can answer. Do you feel like you would have some sort of relief by bringing it up and having it out in the open. As you mentioned, the doctor has said that knowing the mental history of his actual family is more interesting than it is diagnostic, which means that really isn't a good enough excuse to bring it up on its own.

You need to look in the mirror and decide if telling her you know would benefit you at all. If you don't feel the weight of this secret weighing on you or find it affecting your marriage, then you should probably not bring it up. If you think that this secret is somehow undermining your marriage or weighing heavily on your heart or your wife's, then clearing the air might be helpful.

Be aware that infidelity is a strong accusation and could cause a riff if you are somehow wrong. It is a difficult situation and I don't envy you, but you have to weigh your options. You are the only one with enough information to make a real decision on this issue.

 

[LIVINRFANTASIES]

Denny

That's a tough choice. Considering your son has some issues I believe talking this over with your wife is the only answer and what needs to be done to ease your own mind.
I have no easy way to tell you how to do this.
There is no doubt you love each other and have been through a lot together. That much I understand. We've been together since 1956 and married since 1957. We know what long term love is.
Start out by telling your wife you do not want to hear anything about the past and how this happened. Explain it's only for the possiblity of helping your son.

I'm sure it's bothered your wife all of these years also. Time to put your minds at ease.

Good luck.

 

[pplwatching]

There's a lot to think about here. Beginning with your son's mental health problems, his psychologist is right. She needs to treat his actual condition, not a possible hereditary condition. The diagnostic assessments that she uses to help determine his treatment are based on her assessment of his condition given his behavior, etc. The possibility of a hereditary condition may incorrectly bias her assessment.

The value of telling your wife depends on how much damage this unresolved infidelity is doing to both of you. As someone who's confident in my wife's fidelity and kid's paternity, it's difficult to put myself in your shoes. I would probably begin by first being certain of the truth. Telling your wife that you know that he's not your biological child based on suspicions may permanently damage your marriage. Hearsay from a suspected affair partner isn't enough. Recessive genes may cause prominent traits that can be misleading. The linchpin is documented conclusive proof, such as the results of a paternity test.

With proof in hand, then I might ask myself what my underlying motives are. Do you need her to admit to an affair? Do you need resolution of an old heartbreak? Do you need to feel vindicated? Do you need her to know so that she doesn't feel like she's gotten away with something? There's no right or wrong answers, but if you are doing this because you need her to know that you know then telling your son isn't the reason. If your love for your wife motivates you to forgive her, then can you forgive her in silence?

Your son is a completely different conversation. He knows that you are his father, the man who raised him, loves him, and supports him through his mental health issues. Knowing that you aren't his bio dad won't help him through his current struggles. You've kept the information from him this long, holding on to it for a while longer isn't going to make any difference. The information might make his problems worse, damage his relationship with his mother, with you, or both. I don't have any answers for you other than to suggest that you have conclusive proof before throwing that wrench into his life.

Good luck

 

[Lied2]

Thank you for your responses. You guys bring up some very good points.

I do know without a doubt that he is not my son. I am blood type O, my wife is blood type A. When our son was once hospitalized I found out that he is type B. It's impossible for me to be the father.

The reasons I wonder if I should tell her is because by keeping the secret I am guilty of lying to her. If she knew, she would feel I am playing her for a fool. Also, our oldest is just about to finish medical school. She HAS to know, and sometimes she even jokingly prods me about having paternity tests done. It seems to be bothering her, and I have always wondered if this is why there is an underlying tension between her and her mom. Maybe I should level with our daughter only.

 

[pplwatching]

I am not a geneticist, so I am going to blatantly plagiarize from some web sites. In summary, it would seem that you can not use blood type as a guaranteed indicator of paternity.

There are cases where someone can appear O when they are actually A, B, or AB genetically. There are at least two ways dad could test as an O but actually be an A, B, or AB genetically.

The first is a rare blood type called the Bombay blood group. People with the Bombay blood group have the A and/or B genes but test as an O.

For the A and B genes to do their job, they need another gene, H. If someone has two broken H genes, then their blood cells look like an O person's blood cells even if they have the A and/or B genes.

Let's say someone has an A gene and two broken H genes. Why do they look like an O? First off, we need to remember that that blood test looks at our blood cells not our genes. If someone looked at this guy's genes, they'd conclude he had A type blood.

What a blood test looks at are proteins that are stuck on the outside of the red blood cells. (Remember, genes are just instructions for making certain proteins. So the H gene makes the H protein, the A gene, the A protein, etc.) Blood type A means the A protein is there, B means the B protein is there and O means neither is there.

What this guy's A gene does is make a protein that turns the H protein into the A protein. If he doesn't make any H protein, then he can't make any A protein -- there is no A protein on his red blood cells. So, he looks O but is genetically A.

Edited to add : You need to know your genetic blood type, and your wife's to absolutely rule out this being your child.

 

[LIVINRFANTASIES]

Denny & Dollie

you are his father, the man who raised him, loves him, and supports him

-----------^^^^^^^^^^^^----------------------
Yes, this is a child's father, not the man who created him.

We adopted our first grandson because our son's wife rejected him. At first we only became foster parents until the gal got her act together. He's 26 and that has never happened.
After 1 1/2 years the DCFS came to our dooor and said they were taking S for adoption.
We adopted him and raised him as we did our other three kids.

Then S and a dozen other young guys were fucking a young slut who was a druggy, drunk, lier, and a thief. Or son S was the lucky winner of the blood test.

That lttile girl was put in another foster home. Another poor family that only wanted the money. Our oldest son and wife adopted her. It's still all in the family.

Any fool can have a baby, it takes a loving family to raise one correctly.

Keep this in mind no matter what your choice. It's not gonna be easy.

 

[pplwatching]

http://genetics.thetech.org/ask/ask181

This is how an O parent could produce an A child, with a single base change. Again, I want to emphasize that this situation is very rare. But it is theoretically possible. The rate of this happening is about one in a million.

People win the lottery in spite of odds like these. You may be right that your wife was unfaithful, but I'd consider getting my own blood test to rule out my own genes for peace of mind before accusing my wife of being unfaithful.

 

[Lied2]

I love our younger son as much as I love all of our kids. Whether or not I am the biological father has never mattered to me in that regard. I don't think it would do any good to let him know the truth. This is between my wife and me and maybe our daughter.

It is true that you cannot use a blood test to prove paternity, but you can certainly use it to rule out paternity. The reason our son was hospitalized was not something that was corrected quickly. It took two years before he was "in the clear," and in the course of all that struggle, our blood types were well established. I noticed that his blood type was listed as "B" on some of the first paperwork. I knew then what that meant.

 

[pplwatching]

A little further down in the same article

This can and does happen. In fact, we know that this specific scenario occurred in one Japanese family back in 1997.

In this case, the mother had B type blood and her child A type. The father, with type O blood, was originally told that he couldn't possibly be the father.

After further protest by the father, scientists looked closer at the DNA of both the father and the child. Looking outside of the abo gene at markers in other segments of the DNA, they found that indeed the O type man was the father.

They concluded that the child must have inherited an allele that was the result of a recombination in the mother between the B and O alleles.

After doing some light reading, I think that what I would do is to first decide if you are willing to acknowledge that you might have simply been a genetic lottery winner, then let it drop. If not, then ask yourself about the state of your marriage at that time. Were there signs of an affair? Then ask why you need to confront her. No matter how you approach this, the issues of trust and fidelity are out in the open, and if she's innocent she may be unable to forgive the accusation.

If you are set on confronting her for whatever reason, then say something to the effect that it's extremely unusual for type O and B parents to have a type A child, but that it does happen. Point out some web sites describing your situation genetically. No matter how you phrase it, she will know that her fidelity is in question. If you love her and forgive her, then tell her that but also tell her that you don't want her to be unfairly judged. Suggest genetic tests to figure this out. This opens the door for her to bring up being unfaithful, without you having accused her directly. If she wasn't unfaithful, then a competent geneticist can help you sort it out.

I know that's not much help, but it's a difficult situation.

 

[pplwatching]

In the worst case you parented another man's son as if he were your own. If so, then you are a great man and you have my admiration. Doubly so for forgiving your wife and loving her in spite of it.

You can certainly use it to rule out paternity. The reason our son was hospitalized was not something that was corrected quickly. It took two years before he was "in the clear," and in the course of all that struggle, our blood types were well established. I noticed that his blood type was listed as "B" on some of the first paperwork. I knew then what that meant.

The articles that I cited show that standard blood type tests can not be used to definitively rule out paternity because they do not test genetics, only indicators. If your blood types were established through genetic tests, then you have conclusive proof. I don't know which type of test the hospitals used for you, but since genetic tests are more expensive and rarely needed, I'd ask.

Best to you both

 

[Lied2]

The articles that I cited show that standard blood type tests can not be used to definitively rule out paternity because they do not test genetics, only indicators. If your blood types were established through genetic tests, then you have conclusive proof. I don't know which type of test the hospitals used for you, but since genetic tests are more expensive and rarely needed, I'd ask.

Best to you both

Thank you.

As I'm sure you can understand, I have researched this issue a thousand times, and I have taken the opportunity to ask a few experts. "Can an 'O' and an 'A' produce a 'B'?" The answer always comes back the same. "Impossible."

 

[pplwatching]

I have taken the opportunity to ask a few experts. "Can an 'O' and an 'A' produce a 'B'?" The answer always comes back the same. "Impossible."

If you had asked the Dr that I cited, he would have answered "Sometimes, but it's rare". Just keep it in mind if you have ever noticed that your son resembles you or your parents in some way.

You are contemplating telling your kid that he's not biologically yours. That his mother was unfaithful, and that you have lied to him for years. You have good intentions, but you don't know how he or your wife are going to react. If you are going to overturn the apple cart then take time to understand why you want to do it. If at the end of the day you think that your son should know, without other personal reasons, then that should help you make the choice.

 

[NOIRTRASH]

Lemme put it another way.

In my youth a boy named Richard stuck his pedigree up our asses, and was cruel to those of us who were clueless of our own heritage. Richard was THE MAN in a land where pedigree mattered. His mother was a SNOOTIE in the worst sense of the word.

Many years later I did my genealogy and discovered I have a better claim to the throne than ELIZABETH, that and some of Richards ancestors were minor staff to my ancestors. But the absolute best part was discovering Richards ma was adopted. I had to find him and let him know.

 

[Lied2]

Just keep it in mind if you have ever noticed that your son resembles you or your parents in some way.

You are contemplating telling your kid that he's not biologically yours.

I have no intention of ever telling my son.

But if it is wrong for my wife to lie to me, is it not wrong for me to lie to her? And is it right for me to allow our daughter to feel resentment toward her mom because she thinks I am being played the fool? After debating these questions for so many years, they have raised their ugly head again. I do not see any great benefit that would come by telling her, but I thought I would pose the questions to others. Maybe others can see something I do not see.

My son looks a lot like his mom, but nothing like me. My first suspicions were from his hairline, hair growth patterns, and hair texture. None of those characteristics fit either my wife or me, and I know they are highly genetic. Over the years, his personality and facial features only made my suspicions grow. They also make family members drop jokes about our younger son coming from the milkman.

 

[imemkay]

I don't know whether or not you should tell your wife. What I DO know is that you need to talk to your daughter and tell her to stop with the digs/comments. This situation is really none of her business. Either way, he's her brother. Her comments will do nothing but cause a divide between you and your wife. There are TWO people in your marriage, NOT three!

 

[lynn-23]

DNA paternity tests are very common and not that expensive. Why not obtain a sample from your son and have the test conducted. Then you will know for certain if he is your biological son or not. If he is not, and since this matter has come up, the genie is out of the bottle, my advice would be that you talk to your wife, tell her you know, but that it isn't a deal breaker. Just my 2 cents worth.

 

[pplwatching]

I have no intention of ever telling my son.

Sorry. I had assumed that using the information to help diagnose his problems meant telling him. Is it reasonable to assume that his psychologist will not share the information with him? Or that he won't find out once it's out in the open?

But if it is wrong for my wife to lie to me, is it not wrong for me to lie to her? And is it right for me to allow our daughter to feel resentment toward her mom because she thinks I am being played the fool?

To answer your question, it sounds like this issue is poisoning your relationship and family. Given the username that you chose, not addressing the issue may be perpetuating some resentment.

You are not a fool, but a caring person who chose to forgive his wife and love a child. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. If your daughter already knows and resents your wife for "playing you", then it's an open secret. If your wife doesn't already assume that you know, it seems like only a matter of time before your daughter says something to her or your son.

If the boy looks like a former lover and nothing like you, then your wife is reminded of her affair every day. If you have forgiven your wife, then having an open discussion acknowledging her mistake, affirming your love for her and him, and celebrating your successes may help you both.

 

[Lied2]

I don't know whether or not you should tell your wife. What I DO know is that you need to talk to your daughter and tell her to stop with the digs/comments. This situation is really none of her business. Either way, he's her brother. Her comments will do nothing but cause a divide between you and your wife. There are TWO people in your marriage, NOT three!

My daughter's comments are always done in a very shrewd manner and never in the presence of her mom. She brings it up as more of a curiosity. She never does it in a mean way or anything like that. It is hard to explain, but her prods will never cause a divide between my wife and me.

I am not convinced that the situation is none of her business. You are right in that our marriage is none of her business, but she is being lied to, also.

 

[Lied2]

Sorry. I had assumed that using the information to help diagnose his problems meant telling him. Is it reasonable to assume that his psychologist will not share the information with him? Or that he won't find out once it's out in the open?

The psychologist does not know. I only asked her if I should research our family histories to see if anyone in our past has had similar issues. I was trying to help my son, and if that meant I was going to have to tell my wife that I knew, then that is what I was going to do.

 

[Bramblethorn]

My wife and I have been married for 34 years. We have three kids, but my wife does not know that I know that our youngest child, a son, is not mine. He is 21 now, and while I had always suspected I was not his biological father, my suspicions were confirmed when he was 10 years old. He is going through some mental health problems now, and I feel like knowledge of his biological father's family history may help to diagnose his problems. His psychologist claims that this kind of information is interesting, but it is not diagnostic. While all that can be argued back and forth, it brings up a question I have wrestled with all these years. Should I tell my wife that I know?

You should know that I love my wife. Had I learned of this lie earlier in our marriage things may have gone very differently, but by the time I found out, we had been married for 23 years, and she and I had already overcome tremendous challenges. At this point, I feel certain that we will make it to "till death do you part," and between us and our kids, we are a very strong and loving family.

Is there any value in telling her what I know?

If it were me, I'd tell her. If nothing else, she's probably scared that you'll find out and what your reaction might be. Taking that weight off her (and resolving the dilemma for yourself) might make it easier for the both of you to focus on helping your son.

Re. the blood tests: genetic tests are more complex, more expensive, and slower than the regular kind (agglutination), so unless the three of you specifically asked for a genetic test, you probably just had the agglutination test.

There are various medical conditions that could result in O & A parents having a type B child. One (chimerism) may even confuse a genetic test, depending on how that test is done*. It's very unlikely but it's possible.

I would suggest something along the lines of:

"Hey, honey, there's something that I've been wondering about for a long time. I'm type O, and you're type A, and our son is type B. It's very unusual for that to happen in nature. We've raised him together, as far as I'm concerned he's my son and you're my wife no matter what. But if there's anything that you want to get off your chest, you don't have to worry about me running away or getting angry."

And then accept her answer. If she says no, he really is your biological son... it's possible that the truth is just too difficult for her to talk about. False paternity isn't always about "I cheated and I don't want to get caught"; sometimes it's horrific stuff like "my husband's relative/friend raped me and I can't bear thinking about it". Give her a chance to speak safely, but if she doesn't want to talk, respect that.

I agree with the psychologist that this isn't useful information from a medical perspective; it's not likely to help treat your son's illness. So this is entirely about your relationship with your wife.

DNA paternity tests are very common and not that expensive. Why not obtain a sample from your son and have the test conducted. Then you will know for certain if he is your biological son or not.

Let's stop a moment and think about this "obtain a sample". Two options:

(A) You ask him for permission, which means telling him WHY you're testing his DNA. I have to say, if I was a 21-year-old with mental health problems, that would be very unhelpful. I'd wonder if my father was looking for an excuse to disown me, and I might get angry at my mother.

(B) You take a DNA sample without his knowledge. Legal questions aside, this is a massive breach of trust; I would be FURIOUS at anybody who did this to me. If you're trying to help somebody with mental health issues, they need to know that they can trust you.

(Some background: I come from a family with a history of genetic disease. Most of us have had our DNA tested. If you haven't had that experience, it's hard to comprehend just how private and personal that feels, and how devastating a breach of that privacy can be. I don't want to go into details here, but... just trust me, DON'T do that to anybody you love. It's massively disrespectful.)

*Here's one way it can happen:

John Smith (blood type OO) marries Jane Smith (type B - more specifically OB). Jane gets pregnant with twins: one is genetically type OO, the other is type OB.

Very early in the pregnancy, those two twins fuse together to create a single embryo with two different genotypes (chimerism). Occasionally there's some visible hint - if the fusion happens late in development you can get situations like conjoined twins - but often there's no sign at all, just a perfectly normal-looking child. But different parts of that child's body come from different twins; in particular, the bone marrow that's creating blood cells gets the OO genotype, the gonads get the OB genotype.

This results in a person whose blood is type O, but whose children can inherit either B or O from that side. Genetic testing may or may not detect the existence of the OB twin, depending on where you take the sample.

Here's a case where a woman was mistakenly identified as not being the mother of her own children, because of chimerism: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lydia_Fairchild

 

[fire_breeze]

My wife and I have been married for 34 years. We have three kids, but my wife does not know that I know that our youngest child, a son, is not mine. He is 21 now, and while I had always suspected I was not his biological father, my suspicions were confirmed when he was 10 years old. He is going through some mental health problems now, and I feel like knowledge of his biological father's family history may help to diagnose his problems. His psychologist claims that this kind of information is interesting, but it is not diagnostic. While all that can be argued back and forth, it brings up a question I have wrestled with all these years. Should I tell my wife that I know?

You should know that I love my wife. Had I learned of this lie earlier in our marriage things may have gone very differently, but by the time I found out, we had been married for 23 years, and she and I had already overcome tremendous challenges. At this point, I feel certain that we will make it to "till death do you part," and between us and our kids, we are a very strong and loving family.

Is there any value in telling her what I know?

And what if your son is actually biologically yours? How do your think your wife would react? Or are you absolutely, certain, unequivocally positive that you remembered the documents correctly? In other words, are you, without any remote doubt, with all the evidence that indicates to the contrary, sure?

Genetics is very very tricky - and there are very little impossibles. The truth is, it is possible to have a different blood type amongst family. Rare but not impossible - and rare isn't as rare as we think. It is also very possible that his physical traits are similar to a relative, such as a great grandmother. My brother's hairline receded in different ways than my father. It means dick-all. Your son may very VERY well take after his mother, including hair pattern. We do not inherit 50 from one and 50 from the other. It's a lottery game (and male pattern baldness could be inherited from the mother, and have other factors at play, by the way). Nurture v nature is a highly contested debate; in other words, you cannot determine if one's personality is due to genetics or upbringing - and it's very possible that your son's personality is a result of the subconscious difference that you are projecting unconsciously.

This post hits me closer to home and I will offer a different perspective: an individual very close to me was the butt of the mailman jokes. She looked absolutely different from her family. Turns out that they were wrong: she is the product of her mother and her father; she's just a genetic quirk (flaming red hair amongst brunettes, different blood type, even just fundamentally different personalities: very engineer focus in a family of artists). She has lost her entire family because of it, and refused to talk to them precisely because of it. Her parents got a nasty divorce (and they were tight before). How would you feel if you were accused of something like this?

Honestly, the reasons that you suspect are slim at best and can be counter-argued very easily. If it's important to you, then grow a spine and say so and then talk to your wife (but be prepared that she may admit it and then again, she may deny it). And be prepared that your son will find out that you asked your wife about his paternity and his reactions, because there will be a chance that this will not remain between the two of you.

Ask yourself WHY you want to know. Ask yourself if your son is really your son (emotionally). If he isn't then open the door. Otherwise, leave it the fuck alone.

 

[pplwatching]

I don't know whether or not you should tell your wife. What I DO know is that you need to talk to your daughter and tell her to stop with the digs/comments.

Ask yourself WHY you want to know. Ask yourself if your son is really your son (emotionally). If he isn't then open the door. Otherwise, leave it the fuck alone.

Great posts.

Lied2, I'm sorry that the experts that you spoke to make such damaging generalizations. They should have known better. Do you have other reasons for suspecting that she had an affair, or are your son's physical traits it? If not, then you should be concerned about your daughter's relationship with her mother in light of the fact that she may have been completely faithful. If you are not defending your wife then you may be damaging their relationship.

Again, best of luck to all of you.

 

[Lied2]

Honestly, the reasons that you suspect are slim at best and can be counter-argued very easily.

I would be very interested in hearing your easy counter-argument.

 

[Lied2]

Do you have other reasons for suspecting that she had an affair, or are your son's physical traits it?

Yes I have other reasons. I am blood type "O," my wife is blood type "A," our son is blood type "B." The statistical probability that this happened because of a genetic mutation, a DNA mutation, is less than the probability of certainty I can get from a DNA paternity test.