Ask a MtF TG a question

[coati]

- the regret of missing a childhood. There were good things in my childhood too and I have to focus on that.

Yes, and that youthfulness is one of your most attractive qualities. I hope you continue to dance, play, be curious, and stand up for what is right.

I do not want my childhood to end...

 

[stickygirl]

... yea - those were just twinges of feelings. I don't know how it feels to have the foundation of a childhood but there are loads of people who didn't have the opportunities and love that I had. So although my life feels like a patchwork at times, rather than a weave, the pattern is still good. Sometimes though I want to be able to lean back into memories and not have to censor them. I suppose children who are abused or have difficult lives must do that too. That makes me wonder sometimes if I should jack in all the science stuff and work with people? Science feels like masturbation at times and I want to be doing the real thing... hmmm...

 

[4yourpleasureiam]

Thanks Coati

I was at the sailing club today: lots of folk clearing ditches and painting stuff. There were a few youngsters around and a couple of girls, who were probably ten or twelve. Near the end of the day I saw them playing in front of some large French Windows, making pirouettes and arabesques in the refelection. It was nice to see them, though I have to say it stirred a lot of other feelings: I felt jealous, I felt angry and it made me sad.
I don't know if those feelings will ever leave me - the regret of missing a childhood. There were good things in my childhood too and I have to focus on that. Look at the good things and keep blocking the bad.

Lets talk sailing. Like where do you sail and what kind of boats. One of my favorite things is to watch videos of people sailing in England. I absolutely love the gaffers, both new and old gaffers(like myself). I even follow a couple on YouTube. Lucky you. England and a sailing club.

 

[stickygirl]

It's an inland lake, so we sail dinghies. I sometimes crew for my old landlord who has an Albacore, but otherwise I'm in my own Comet ( a bit like a Laser but more classy ) I may up there today but I'm still aching all over from yesterday and I'm not sure if there's going to be any wind... I need to finish this coffee before I can make decisions

 

[Stacy_TG]

I have a question.

Does it ever stop? The profound sadness and loneliness? I feel so tormented inside and I don't know what to do to make it stop. So I dress in feminine clothes when I'm alone, and then I know I can't pass, so I have to put on the "face" for society, the whole time I'm thinking "This isn't who I want to be, this isn't who I am."

Then I think, "well maybe if I had someone to share my life with, who could recognize me for the woman I am, maybe things would be better, but I don't even know where to begin looking for him. I want to be a wife for a man, but I know I'm not a "woman". We can never have a family, I can never have his baby. This makes me soul-crushingly sad, because then I think "Why would a guy ever want to be with a "fake" girl when he could have a real one?"

 

[haurni]

Not everybody wants a house, a white picket fence and 2.5 kids. Just as people are slowly but surely overturning the stigma of being trans, others are working against the idea that there's something wrong with loving and accepting trans people as partners.

 

[Stacy_TG]

Not everybody wants a house, a white picket fence and 2.5 kids. Just as people are slowly but surely overturning the stigma of being trans, others are working against the idea that there's something wrong with loving and accepting trans people as partners.

I just feel so sad that I will probably never have what most genetic women have.

 

[stickygirl]

I have a question.

Does it ever stop? The profound sadness and loneliness? I feel so tormented inside and I don't know what to do to make it stop. So I dress in feminine clothes when I'm alone, and then I know I can't pass, so I have to put on the "face" for society, the whole time I'm thinking "This isn't who I want to be, this isn't who I am."

Then I think, "well maybe if I had someone to share my life with, who could recognize me for the woman I am, maybe things would be better, but I don't even know where to begin looking for him. I want to be a wife for a man, but I know I'm not a "woman". We can never have a family, I can never have his baby. This makes me soul-crushingly sad, because then I think "Why would a guy ever want to be with a "fake" girl when he could have a real one?"

Hi Stacy and I recognise those feelings

This is hard to say, but my thoughts went straight to it, so forgive me if it sounds harsh: forget 'the man'. It would be unfair on anyone to fill in the missing part of your life, when it is you that needs to fixed. You may find a man who would give you a sticky-plaster while you sort yourself out, but relationships need to two people who are independent enough to be able to say "you know what, I'm fine on my own, but this 'other' makes my life even better".

You are not a fake girl - don't you dare say that! You are a girl, heart and soul and you are incredibly strong and brave to be in the situation you're in and to suffer the thousand cuts every day. I think about family too; I think about meeting a person with whom I'd feel strong enough to raise kids. You can google support groups for cis-gender women who, for one medical reason or another can't have children of their own so we are not alone there: ours is just another medical reason.

But hey, I'm preaching to the converted huh? You made some enquiries with that counsellor: two steps forward, one back. Time for another couple of steps don't you think. Think of it like testing ice on a lake - gently at first because you can step back onto safe ground until you're ready. Make yourself proud, sweetheart - once you try things out you'll get more confidence for the next step, but don't go looking too far ahead now, because that will be daunting. Sure, there will come a time when you out yourself, but that's a way ahead yet. Do things within your comfort zone first. Find support groups, go back to the counsellor ( and find another if that one doesn't click for you ).

Please keep in touch - my welcome mat is indestructible

 

[Stacy_TG]

Hi Stacy and I recognise those feelings

This is hard to say, but my thoughts went straight to it, so forgive me if it sounds harsh: forget 'the man'. It would be unfair on anyone to fill in the missing part of your life, when it is you that needs to fixed. You may find a man who would give you a sticky-plaster while you sort yourself out, but relationships need to two people who are independent enough to be able to say "you know what, I'm fine on my own, but this 'other' makes my life even better".

You are not a fake girl - don't you dare say that! You are a girl, heart and soul and you are incredibly strong and brave to be in the situation you're in and to suffer the thousand cuts every day. I think about family too; I think about meeting a person with whom I'd feel strong enough to raise kids. You can google support groups for cis-gender women who, for one medical reason or another can't have children of their own so we are not alone there: ours is just another medical reason.

But hey, I'm preaching to the converted huh? You made some enquiries with that counsellor: two steps forward, one back. Time for another couple of steps don't you think. Think of it like testing ice on a lake - gently at first because you can step back onto safe ground until you're ready. Make yourself proud, sweetheart - once you try things out you'll get more confidence for the next step, but don't go looking too far ahead now, because that will be daunting. Sure, there will come a time when you out yourself, but that's a way ahead yet. Do things within your comfort zone first. Find support groups, go back to the counsellor ( and find another if that one doesn't click for you ).

Please keep in touch - my welcome mat is indestructible

*hugs* *cries*

I just feel so alone, and scared, and I don't want to be those things anymore. I want to be strong and feminine, but I'm not.

 

[dutchrain]

*hugs* *cries*

I just feel so alone, and scared, and I don't want to be those things anymore. I want to be strong and feminine, but I'm not.

Dear Stacy,

Cis-women aren't always strong and feminine either. And they also feel bad about it. *smiles* So, welcome to being a female!

To be scared when traveling new paths in your life is human. To feel alone when traveling new paths in your life is human.

Hugs

 

[4yourpleasureiam]

It's an inland lake, so we sail dinghies. I sometimes crew for my old landlord who has an Albacore, but otherwise I'm in my own Comet ( a bit like a Laser but more classy ) I may up there today but I'm still aching all over from yesterday and I'm not sure if there's going to be any wind... I need to finish this coffee before I can make decisions

Very cool. Do you sail one of the older Comets, with a jib and mainsail or one with just the main, I would call that a cat rig.

I now sail a hunter 22 Older model with lead ballast versus the new water ballast ones. On a large inland lake that does connect with the Oceans of the world via rivers.

I did get out a while today under jib alone then storms came into the area. Thunder and tornado watches. By the time I started for home I was ridding in the rain (light rain) with thunder and lightning around. Fun.

Hope you felt better after coffee and made it to your club. Fair winds.

 

[4yourpleasureiam]

"Why would a guy ever want to be with a "fake" girl when he could have a real one?"



[/QUOTE]

Oh Stacy, It does not work that way. When someone falls in love, truly falls in love it is with the inside person. Not what is on the outside but what is in the heart and the mind and the soul. Some day some one is going to come along and get to know you. Perhaps in the first couple seconds they will know perhaps after a long time but they will know they Love "you". They will want to sit with you and eat with you and hang with you and veg with you. They will want to hold your hand like there is no better thing do in life. It will not make one little bit of difference to them if you can give birth or how other may see you. The only thing that will matter is you and how you see them.

There is much magic in this world. Many times we may have someone love us nut we do not see what we need in them so we walk away. We may feel like we will die for love of another and they will walk away. The biggest magic is when two people feel the same way about each other and make the connection.

I wish I could tell you that person is close to you now or will come to you soon but no one knows that. I do believe he will come though. It is our lot in life to bear the pain as we wait and find comfort in those we surround ourselves with. I know nothing about where you live and what you do so in reality I can only offer hope. I lived in New Orleans for much of the 60's 70's and into the mid 80s and had more than a few family friends who were living happy lives as couples and it was no big deal there. My sons had a few Uncles (in the southern way of talking) who were couples. I am not sure how they all found each other but they did.

I hope I have not taken to many liberties in commenting on your post. If I did know I did because I care. Hugs

 

[Bramblethorn]

Does it ever stop? The profound sadness and loneliness? I feel so tormented inside and I don't know what to do to make it stop. So I dress in feminine clothes when I'm alone, and then I know I can't pass, so I have to put on the "face" for society, the whole time I'm thinking "This isn't who I want to be, this isn't who I am."

*hugs*

Then I think, "well maybe if I had someone to share my life with, who could recognize me for the woman I am, maybe things would be better, but I don't even know where to begin looking for him. I want to be a wife for a man, but I know I'm not a "woman". We can never have a family, I can never have his baby. This makes me soul-crushingly sad, because then I think "Why would a guy ever want to be with a "fake" girl when he could have a real one?"

I'll echo what stickygirl said about finding validation from yourself before looking for it from others.

With that said: somewhere out in the world there's a trans guy crying because he'll never be able to father children. And an infertile cis guy. And a guy who already has all the kids he wants. You may bump into one of them some day when you least expect it.

(I can recommend step-parenting: all the worries of regular parenting and some extras, but at least minus the guilt of "why did I bring another human being into a world where Donald Trump can be taken seriously as a presidential candidate?")

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[stickygirl]

I started to write something yesterday about my childhood, then I thought maybe this was the wrong forum.
I could say summinck about how gender is imposed on us, because that came up in my writing ramble...
Before I do though - has anyone else got views?

 

[coati]

When you are born they look at what's going on between your legs, and then social cues proceed from there, even in the first day of life.

 

[dutchrain]

When you are born they look at what's going on between your legs, and then social cues proceed from there, even in the first day of life.

This.

 

[stickygirl]

How so? Why would you genitalia affect how a baby perceives itself - babies have no perception of gender, or do they? Nah, surely its projected onto them by parents?

I suppose I was thinking about my dream - when I was older ( say three or four ). Sure, then we are more susceptible to external designations. A child that age has to learn about gender roles - this toy not that one - and then links the gender of other children in relation to its own. I was never scolded for playing with wrong-gender toys -so long as I was happy then so was Mum. My sense of gender never jelled until much later.

 

[dutchrain]

A boy is a name-carier, a heir, an asset. A girl has to be wedded off, but is also an asset.

This are very old 'traditions', but they still linger in our heads.

You are right, Sticky, babies have no interest in gender, not in theirs, not in that of others. Breasts are simply something to feed on, part of mom, but I am quite sure a baby doesn't perceive hers/his (or should I say "its"?) mom as female.

But yes, the parents see the gender of the baby, and act upon it, as do the grandparents, the nurses, and all adults around. Go have a look in the newborn section of a toy shop. Do the same in a children's' clothes department. Listen to the people shopping there. It is fun. But it also shows how much the old habits still influence even the most enlightened people.

I even do it myself, cooing "such a strong boy" when the grandson of a friend takes a hold of a fold of my clothes, and cooing "oooh, you like that colour, don't you?" when the little niece of another friend did the same a day or two later!

I never bothered with what toys the girls played. As long as they didn't hit each other on the head with them, I was alright with it. But the eldest expressed a desire to have girls' Duplo like this and the younger wanted this

When I told the family what was on their Christmas wish list, the reactions were like: "how sweet!" and "does she really want that?" ...

 

[coati]

Being a kid who had as much or more in common with girls as I did with boys, I was always aware of the constant social cues to be "masculine" from my relatives, authority figures, siblings, and peers. It was never in my nature to take these cues too seriously, and like Sticky, my mother let me be myself. My father was too wrapped up in making a living to get into the details of my daily life.

A lot of my friends were not given as much freedom, and were held to a very polarized approach, to play either male or female roles all the time. I'm not sure why this is so prevalent-- we certainly don't need this for breeding purposes, and it is so much more fun not to live in a rigidly binary world.

I still have as much or more in common with women as I do with men. More men than women I've met have a stone wall around themselves.

 

[Stacy_TG]

It just hurts to much because he "jokes" around, and then the one day he was very candid with me and opened up about how badly he wanted to have kids and be a daddy, and my heart just went kaboom. I thought to myself "I could be the perfect wife for you, but I CAN'T give you the one thing you want most in life."

Then today, he made two more "jokes" to me of a various nature, and I coyly wore my pink footie socks and I know he noticed because I caught him looking! But here's the thing that broke my heart. One of the bosses brought their little girl into work, and of course he interacted with her, and he was AMAZING. My ovaries exploded, and I don't think I've ever wanted a man more badly than I wanted him in that moment. Seeing him interact with that little girl, I know he's going to be a wonderful father, and I can only imagine being the wife and mother he needs...

but I'll never be able to do it.



I don't think I've ever been this profoundly sad in my entire life.

 

[Teman01]

It just hurts to much because he "jokes" around, and then the one day he was very candid with me and opened up about how badly he wanted to have kids and be a daddy, and my heart just went kaboom. I thought to myself "I could be the perfect wife for you, but I CAN'T give you the one thing you want most in life."

Then today, he made two more "jokes" to me of a various nature, and I coyly wore my pink footie socks and I know he noticed because I caught him looking! But here's the thing that broke my heart. One of the bosses brought their little girl into work, and of course he interacted with her, and he was AMAZING. My ovaries exploded, and I don't think I've ever wanted a man more badly than I wanted him in that moment. Seeing him interact with that little girl, I know he's going to be a wonderful father, and I can only imagine being the wife and mother he needs...

but I'll never be able to do it.






I don't think I've ever been this profoundly sad in my entire life.

you can always adopt or foster

 

[stickygirl]

you can always adopt or foster

Without wishing to words into Stacy's mouth - it's about the experience, it's about menstruating, child bearing and birth and of making a life. It doesn't get any more real. Sure, don't tell me - I know about cramps and hemorrhoids and episiotomies as downsides and I certainly know about cystitis and sneaky orange peel.
But if you live your life grieving for something you've never had or wishing for something you can never have, then you risk your life slipping by, when we have so much to live for. I can't have kids either and I'll always have the wrong chromosomes, but I'm not going to let those things get in my way. I've fought hard to get where I am and for sure, life isn't fair for women, but when I look at women that I admire and see what they've achieved, it makes me fight harder every day. It's my life and I have to make of it what I can.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[stickygirl]

^^^ agreed, but that's not to say the pain the Stacy feels is any less valid

I sometimes wonder about reincarnation and if in previous lives I was a woman - it sometimes feels that way and I've tried to explain being trans in those terms. Like I was always suppose to be a woman and then wtf went wrong? There never were any questions in my mind once I had figured it out and that's why it's so important to me and other trans women that our gender if affirmed. TERFs may as well cut my throat and have done with it. People who deny who I am, are the sort who once thought if you sailed far enough you'd fall off the world.