Can I get an author here to reconstruct a love letter?

[liegolastheelf]

Hi all,

Could one of you fine authors that make this site so great help me write a love letter?

I came across a New York Times article today "She Wanted to Do Her Research. He Wanted to Talk" discussing how female STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering and Math education) students get hit on a lot by other, socially awkward, male STEM students.

The article described a love letter/e-mail sent to one female STEM student, giving some excerpts:
"
She forwarded an email she had received from a senior colleague that opened, “Can I share something deeply personal with you?” Within the email, he detonates what he described as a “truth bomb”: “All I know is that from the first day I talked to you, there hadn’t been a single day or hour when you weren’t on my mind.” He tells her she is “incredibly attractive” and “adorably dorky.” He reminds her, in detail, of how he has helped her professionally: “I couldn’t believe the things I was compelled to do for you.” He describes being near her as “exhilarating and frustrating at the same time” and himself as “utterly unable to get a grip” as a result. He closes by assuring her, “That’s just the way things are and you’re gonna have to deal with me until one of us leaves.”
"

I just found those excerpts so cute and romantic, and they spoke to me personally. I'm wondering if one of you talented authors on this site could create a full love letter from those excerpts in the article? It's just, well, I want to share it with a crush of mine that I've never had the courage to express my true feelings to.

We have both studied STEM in the same office for two years (we're both students of around the same age) and shared the same academic tribulations. She's smart, charming, adventurous [sexuality/her relationships have never come up though. Someone this amazing should have a boyfriend though right?], beautiful, enthralling, magnetic, determined and driven, my intellectual equal - the perfect girl for me. But me, being the stereotypically shy and awkward male STEM student that gets passed over for other men, can't talk to girls, focused on his studies and might even still be a virgin, never tried to make a move. Now though I feel I might lose the love of my life if I don't act.

So, uh, what can I do about my feelings? I'm hoping that secretly mailing her this love letter will help, and that you fine authors here can help me with that [please no sexually explicit stuff, focus on the romantic/I can't live without you stuff]. Or is there other relationship advice I can get? I just think that if I approached her directly, things might get awkward in the lab and well I know we're not supposed to shit where we eat.

 

[Jose_Rick]

Let me make sure I understand this:

You posted a link to an article in which women in STEM fields get letters and emails from socially awkward men, and you want someone to use those nuggets of information to compose a similar message to be delivered by you to someone you've targeted for what could best be described as a similar form of harassment?

Did I get that about right?

 

[blin18]

liegolastheelf, this is a really bad idea. That kind of letter without some genuine prior connection is next lever stalker shit. It would freak me the fuck out.

How about, "I'm grabbing coffee. Do you want to come with?"

If she says yes, take her for coffee. Offer to pay, tell her she can treat next time. Ask her what she did last weekend. Talk. Get to know her. Things will happen naturally from there if you don't escalate too fast. Coffee, lunch, a movie, dinner date, kiss goodnight, cook for her, long kiss goodnight, whole day together, sleepover, repeat several times. THEN the love letter.

If she doesn't want coffee, tell her no worries, maybe next time. Then go get your coffee. AND THEN DONT FOR FUCK SAKE STALK THE GIRL. She knows you're interested in a coffee date. If she changes her mind, she'll tell you. If not, she's not into you. Get over it and try another girl.

 

[Penuche]

What blin18 said, a million times!

Get to know the object of your affections as a human being (and give them a chance to get to know you as a human being) and you improve your chances beyond belief. It's not about the money, status, your grooming, or social ease; it's far more about not expecting instant dating and/or anonymous sex as the default option when it's still so risky for women.

How can I claim to know what I'm talking about? My (now) husband took 3 months of sort of bumping into me (not stalking, we just moved in the same social circles, some of the time) at one thing or another before he finally managed to ask me out. He wasn't rich, he's not classically good looking, but his personality outshines all that.

 

[Bramblethorn]

liegolastheelf, this is a really bad idea. That kind of letter without some genuine prior connection is next lever stalker shit. It would freak me the fuck out.

How about, "I'm grabbing coffee. Do you want to come with?"

If she says yes, take her for coffee. Offer to pay, tell her she can treat next time. Ask her what she did last weekend. Talk. Get to know her. Things will happen naturally from there if you don't escalate too fast. Coffee, lunch, a movie, dinner date, kiss goodnight, cook for her, long kiss goodnight, whole day together, sleepover, repeat several times. THEN the love letter.

If she doesn't want coffee, tell her no worries, maybe next time. Then go get your coffee. AND THEN DONT FOR FUCK SAKE STALK THE GIRL. She knows you're interested in a coffee date. If she changes her mind, she'll tell you. If not, she's not into you. Get over it and try another girl.

All of this. Anonymous letters and declarations of love coming from out of the blue* are only romantic in fiction; IRL for a woman who doesn't know who they're from, they're threatening.

*do not ever, EVER take romantic advice from Love Actually.

I'd add one thing - if you do decide to act on blin18's excellent advice, first, read that article again and try to understand it from the woman's perspective. Understand why receiving that letter was not romantic but creepy and threatening. If you're hoping to get involved with a colleague, you need to understand what it means from her side of things.

But me, being the stereotypically shy and awkward male STEM student that gets passed over for other men, can't talk to girls, focused on his studies and might even still be a virgin, never tried to make a move. Now though I feel I might lose the love of my life if I don't act.

You're, what, early twenties? I feel for you. Been there, done a ton of stupid shit, wrote crappy poetry about it. The thought of actually telling somebody what you want and being rejected is terrifying, so it's really tempting to look for options that don't risk rejection. An anonymous letter, hanging around and finding excuses to bump into her a lot and hoping she'll become attracted to you and make the first move so you don't have to, that sort of thing.

But the good news is - even awkward dorky people can find love. There's not just one person in the universe destined for you; if you ask and she says no, it will hurt for a bit, but you can find somebody else. If you want to learn how to talk to women - and you should! - I'd recommend finding a social hobby that has a good gender mix, something interesting to you, and get practice in talking to women without the pressure of turning them into unattainable love goddesses.

 

[liegolastheelf]

*do not ever, EVER take romantic advice from Love Actually.

Well why do they keep making movies like that? I've been following the movie playbook with girls, Cyrano de Bergerac, Pride and Prejudice, all that stuff.

Anyway um I might have had a crack at writing that letter (using the article one as a skeleton) and I might have already sent it to her.

-------------------

Subject: can I share something deeply personal with you?

Ever since I first met you in our student hall, I knew you were something special. You are vibrant, kind, charming, magnetic. The more I’ve seen you around campus and the more I’ve got to know you, the more I’ve come to admire you. You’ve shown grit and determination, smarts and drive. You are courageous and adventurous beyond all measure. I would even say that my admiration has deepened into affection and love.

I know how you might not be able to see how amazing you are and why someone might fall head over heels for you, but it’s the truth. And I’m here to give you the truth bomb: I love you.

[/SNIP]
(Per site rules of "less than three paragraphs are allowed on the board", the letter was edited to a short version.)

 

[blin18]

I sense a troll.

 

[Hypoxia]

I sense a troll.

They have a total of two posts, both to this thread. As for the premise: Even a geekboy can find love if he puts himself in places where gurlz congregate. Find something gurlz like to do and then jin in. Like knitting class, karate class, nude nature hikes, etc. Get down.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Well why do they keep making movies like that?

Because people enjoy fantasy - key word, fantasy. They make a lot of Star Trek movies too but that doesn't mean the USS Enterprise is real.

And because, to be blunt, a lot of those films are guys who haven't bothered asking women whether that sort of behaviour is actually attractive.

I've been following the movie playbook with girls, Cyrano de Bergerac, Pride and Prejudice, all that stuff.

Cyrano de Bergerac: depending on which version you watch, either everybody ends up miserable, or they only find happiness after ditching the subterfuge and being honest with one another. Either way, Christian finds out that winning Roxane over with somebody else's words doesn't feel satisfying. Are you sure that's what you want to emulate?

Pride and Prejudice (written by a woman): Darcy and Elizabeth get off on the wrong foot. He proposes marriage without giving much thought to how she might receive that, and she tells him where to stick it. At this point he listens to what she has to say, and acknowledges that he fucked up. Even though some of her criticism is off the mark (re. his past with Wickham), he doesn't let that distract him from the bits that are valid. He then shows her that he's been listening by changing his ways, making amends for the damage he did re. Jane & Bingley, and doing something that's important for Lizzie.

Darcy does not win Lizzie over with gushing protestations of love. He wins her over by giving tangible evidence that he respects her and is capable of listening to her. And none of this anonymous letter malarkey. If you're going to learn romance from a movie, P&P is a pretty decent choice, but you have to read for what's actually going on there, not just the flowery bits.

Anyway um I might have had a crack at writing that letter (using the article one as a skeleton) and I might have already sent it to her.

Just to reiterate: you read an article about how creepy and distressing it is for women in STEM to get letters like this, and you thought "hell yeah, that sounds like a good idea, I'll do that".

This isn't love. When you love somebody you care about their happiness. When every sign is telling you that doing this is likely to make her feel threatened and uncomfortable, and you do it anyway, that's not love. It's just selfishness.

I understand that you've probably grown up with all sorts of messages telling you that this sort of behaviour is love, and it's hard to break that programming. But you're working in STEM, you should understand that the world is full of bullshit. Anti-vaxxers and perpetual-motion salesmen and people who market bleach as a cure for cancer and all the rest of it. Stop letting movies written by dudes tell you what women want, and start listening to actual women, like the ones who have said that this behaviour is creepy as fuck and they don't want any part of it.

At this point, if you genuinely do care about her (rather than just desiring her, it ain't the same thing), you should be thinking about ways to undo the damage. Apologise - under your own name, so she doesn't have to be forever trying to guess who this person is - and then step away. Avoid situations that require her to be alone with you, because you've made that a threatening situation for her.

If you keep on as you're going, it's quite possible you'll end up pushing her out of your workplace altogether. Harassment is one of the big reasons why so many women drop out of STEM.

At this point you've burned your bridges with this woman, but for future reference:

Ever since I first met you in our student hall, I knew you were something special. You are vibrant, kind, charming, magnetic. The more I’ve seen you around campus and the more I’ve got to know you, the more I’ve come to admire you. You’ve shown grit and determination, smarts and drive. You are courageous and adventurous beyond all measure. I would even say that my admiration has deepened into affection and love.

I know how you might not be able to see how amazing you are and why someone might fall head over heels for you, but it’s the truth. And I’m here to give you the truth bomb: I love you.

You know what I don't see in this? Any reason why she might be interested in reciprocating.

I used to think that if I loved somebody REALLY HARD and was nice to them a lot, that would be enough to make them love me back. Doesn't work that way. You want somebody to be interested in you, you have to be interesting. Get a hobby, learn to talk to women as human beings before worrying about them as potential partners, and make sure you're not defining your own self-worth on your love life.