Had an Unplanned Foursome

[THE3NDER]

My wife and I recently visited a couple that we haven't seen for a long time due to them living out of country (#miltarylife). We went out drinking and ended up having what I guess would be considered a foursome. The husbands only did stuff with their respective wives but once we were done our wives continued on their own. My wife was so drunk she doesn't remember any of the actual sex, only the part of the night leading up to it. She does want to do it again and this time with less drinking.

My issue is this, I don't know if I want to do it again. I've expressed this to my wife and she says she will understand if I can give her a "valid reason". I felt like my wife slept with another person. If I had been involved I wouldn't be as weirded out. Wierded out isn't really right but I can't put a name on the feeling. I did enjoy the experience, just the part after I finished was kind of boring and I felt in the way and discarded so that she could get to the part she really wanted. We couldn't see anything either because the lights were off, at my wife's request, so I didn't even get to enjoy watching. He and I just sat there in the dark listening to our wives for at least an hour after we had finished. I know this because there was music on and we had to change the cd.

If it's going to be like that again there is no way I want to do it again. It's too much like her cheeting on me with me in the room, like I'm so bad at sex that even when I've done my best she still wants an hour with someone else to really be satisfied. I want to be involved in what's going on. I want to SEE what's going on. Look into my wife's eyes as she orgasms from my friend's ministrations. Feel her body as she becomes more aroused. Kiss her as she recovers and starts on the path to other orgasms.

Something else that is on my mind is that she is in no way (as far as I can tell from the very little we've talked about it, and I've tried to talk about it) interested in the men being involved in the other's wife at all. Not even touching other than accidentally or if we have to, like if she was playing with our friend's pussy while he was fucking her, her hand would invariably touch his cock in that situation and it would be ok. However, the men are to be hands off save for their own wives. I feel that this allows her to do something outside the marriage that she will not allow me to do. She says that if I ever wanted to be with a guy she would be fine with it as long as she was involved, but she knows I have absolutely zero desire for that, so the offer is invalid (what kind of offer is it if you know it will be refused? Not a real offer if you ask me). I don't want to swap or swing (this is the only couple we would ever do this with), I don't want him to fuck my wife and I don't want to fuck his. But is it really swapping if he grabs my wife's breast or if I finger his wife? I don't want her to touch my cock or anything just let the guys play too!

My question for you reader is this: should I go through with the second time and see if I like it better with lights on and the order of events reversed (girls together first, then the guys join to finish) or will it just make these feelings and worries even worse?

 

[Nastygirl23]

Honestly it sounds to me like you need to clear the air before thinking about a future play date.

Questions to ask yourself
1. Do you feel like you are an inadequate lover for your wifebecause she liked being with another woman or because you are leaving her hanging during sex?

2. Is the insecurity or you being uncomfortable sharing her in general?

2. How's sex normally for your two?

3. Does your wife fantasizing about sex with another woman make you feel threatened?


My opinion is if both partners can't agree or don't agree on what is and is not okay (with complete fairness to both people) then it shouldn't be happening. Maybe you guys need to work on your marriage awhile and talk to her about your feelings.

Best wishes.

 

[Nastygirl23]

[
Pardon the typos I'm on my smartphone.
QUOTE=Nastygirl23;73511856]Honestly it sounds to me like you need to clear the air before thinking about a future play date.

Questions to ask yourself
1. Do you feel like you are an inadequate lover for your wifebecause she liked being with another woman or because you are leaving her hanging during sex?

2. Is the insecurity or you being uncomfortable sharing her in general?

2. How's sex normally for your two?

3. Does your wife fantasizing about sex with another woman make you feel threatened?


My opinion is if both partners can't agree or don't agree on what is and is not okay (with complete fairness to both people) then it shouldn't be happening. Maybe you guys need to work on your marriage awhile and talk to her about your feelings.

Best wishes.[/QUOTE]

 

[THE3NDER]

Questions to ask yourself
1. Do you feel like you are an inadequate lover for your wife because she liked being with another woman or because you are leaving her hanging during sex?

2. Is the insecurity or you being uncomfortable sharing her in general?

3. How's sex normally for your two?

4. Does your wife fantasizing about sex with another woman make you feel threatened?

First thank you for your response nastygirl!

1) Well I didn't before but now I don't know. As I said we talked a little about it (not fully as the kids were in the car at the time) and she mentioned that she thought we needed it as the sex we have had since then has been really good. Unfortunately we haven't really had an opportunity to talk as she had to leave to some training for the military. She gets back on Friday so hopefully we can talk more soon.

2) It's kind of in general, but with this couple it would be ok. I just want to be involved. It was the sitting for an hour that was wierd.

3) Sex is great! At least three times a week when life doesn't get in the way and usually once a day. We generally do the same things but not always. I make sure that she cums every time. This is why the "needing it" comment bothered me so much, I thought we were doing fine. I mean I love going down on her, I mean really LOVE it, we do anal when she is in the mood, light spanking, she plays with my ass sometimes. I have it pretty good and I don't want to hold her back from fulfilling a desire, again I just want to be involved in a way that I don't have to worry the whole time about if I'm crossing a line in her head.

4) Not at all! I want to know her fantasies, it turns me on when she thinks about sex. I didn't even know that she wanted to try something like this. I had jokingly brought it up before thinking there was no way in hell she would ever want to and I got that response. Not a rude or angry response, just like she wasn't interested. Then she tells me that she " knew something was going to happen" before we even left on the trip to go see them. I was totally blindsided, I just thought we were having fun and catching up with old friends. Nothing was planned she just "had a feeling".

 

[suckonsimon]

Hey, THE3NDER, welcome to posting! Quite a night!

Look, I'm responding from nil experience but here's my take for what it's worth.
I think it would be a totally different experience for you men if the girls play together before your fuck them.

But before that, I suggest you need to ask yourself whether or no you can accept and even celebrate the totally different kind of pleasure your wife is potentially going to have in FF play, as something complimentary to what you two have together. The answer to that may well be a NO, not now and probably not ever. If she is accepting of that, then you two put that experience behind you.

But if she wants to explore her bi side and you support that and might learn to enjoy that, then, as I say, I can imagine that being a huge pleasure if, as the girls' play develops with you two watching, your expectation is that at some stage she is gonna cry out, "give me cock and NOW!".

I'm even imagining a scenario with you two men chatting and supping beer and from time to time one or the other of you steps up to the tangle of women to give the added dimension of maleness, briefly, then back to your beer and chat until in due time they both need a blast of fucking by the both of you and you finish off creaming their pussies and slapping high fives.

All imagined out of my complete ignorance of group sex!
Simon

 

[SlutAddicted]

Two things resonated with me in your post.

One is that if you don't want to do it again you don't owe her a valid reason. The default position in a monogamous relationship is to stay that way and respect one another's limitations. Any justification should be incumbent on the one who wants to change the arrangement.

Secondly I respectfully suggest the idea that since you are finished she shouldn't want anything more is selfish and ego driven. And the claim that you make sure she cuts every time is delusional. I am not saying you aren't awesome but that sounds more like bravado than reality. Those two statements together suggest that you simply aren't ready to accept the full range of her sexuality and you guys need to figure that before involving others.

Your mind is not open if you need her to confirm that you are awesome and she could never want anything more. You need a fully open mind to engage in this sort of thing and that means being able to at least contempt the possibility that others can provide something unique and you aren't superman.

 

[THE3NDER]

SlutAddicted first let me address your main point, that is that I am "not superman". I never said I was, I merely stated that I make her cum every time we have sex. On that point I will admit that I exaggerated a little, it is not every time. Sometimes she wants to focus on me and doesn't want to cum herself, other times the kids interrupt or we have to get to work. However, I always ensure the times when she wanted to and couldn't that I bring her there within a day. I'm not saying I'm the master or the best, I just know my wife. I know that other people are better than me at sex. Hell my wife is better than me at sex. I am very aware of that fact and it is one of the reasons that I try very hard to make sure that she has an orgasms every time. It might not be the best, hardest, longest, or most mind blowing that she's ever had every time but she does have one.

And now I would like to respectfully ask you a question: what is your basis for saying I don't? Do you have some window into my wife's body and mind that I dont? Because if you do I would like to buy it from you!

Second, how am I to accept the full range of her sexuality if she won't SHARE the full range of her sexuality? Are you telling me that the only way I can participate is to be a bystander or not be there at all? That was part of my question and I stated in my OP that if that is the case I can't do it. I know that about myself. Thank you for pointing it out in such a harsh way.

Third, I'm not trying to be selfish. I want her to enjoy this aspect of her sexuality but not at the expense of our marriage. Our marriage is THE most important thing in my life, even more important to me than my kids. I will not let anything come between us, especially something as unimportant as a foursome that turns into a twosome. I know it's my feelings and I'm trying to work around that and proceed in such a way so that we can both enjoy the experience, and not just her while I sit wallowing in pain and regret. It might not be pretty but that is my situation. I'm not proud of it, I want to be able to give this to her, but not if it means the marriage.

I think I need to explain how I felt that night to maybe she'd some light on the situation. And also remember my wife only remembers making out and fingering the other girl. She doesn't remember having sex with me and then with the other girl. From the sounds she made she enjoyed herself. What bothered me was her having denied wanting to have sex with women in the past and then obviously enjoying it now. Did something change and if so what? I asked her that during our one talk about it and she said that she has always wanted to try it and says she never denied wanting to. Her planning this trip to see our closest friends (who I still love and am totally fine with) and saying that she had a "feeling" somthing was going to happen made me wonder if it was planned. She says it wasn't. This whole thing blindsided me. We were all flirting and having a good time like normal when we drink nothing odd about that. Then the girls go to the bathroom, again nothing wierd girls do that. Then they go again about 10 minutes later. Then they are holding hands constantly, didn't really think mutch of it we were drinking we all needed the support. Then we get in the car to drive to the liquor store and then to our hotel and they want to sit in the back. Ok whatever I don't care. We get to the liquor store and us guys go in and get the booze and come out and I see my wife kissing the other girls neck and my wife has her hand down the other girls pants. At this point I'm thinking "wow she is really drunk! I'm having some good sex tonight!" So we drop them off at the door because they have to go to the bathroom again and then me and my friend make our way up to the room. Fifteen to twenty minutes later the girls also make it to the room. Then they start making out for real and us guys start to get involved. She asked me to take her cloths off and that is when I realized what was about to happen. I looked her dead in the eyes and asked her if this is what she wanted and if she was sure that we should do this. She answered in the afirmitive and iv already described what happened next. After I was done I literally felt DISCARDED. Like a used condom. Like she was thinking "thank god that part is over and now I can get to the good stuff!" But also as mentioned before she has no memory of that part of the night. She remembers the drive to the hotel and that's it. I'm not mad at her for what happened. I'm mad at my own feelings and want them to change so she can fully enjoy the next time (that is already being planned). It bugs me that I didn't know what was allowed and she didn't even respect me enough to tell me before hand what she was hoping would happen. She wasn't worried about how I would feel about it because and I quote here: "Every guy wishes that their girl would do somthing like this. You should be happy." That sounds to me like she doesn't care what I think or feel and it won't matter because she only wants a "valid" reason.

I just want to know if there is a way for me to change my feelings on the situation. I can't change how she feels and wouldn't if I could. I just want to give her whatever she wants all the time. I love her and want her to know that so far down in her soul that she would never ever question it.

So that being said SlutAddicted how do I change for her? And don't give me the utter bullshit of "you shouldn't change yourself for another person". That's what love really is putting someone else's needs and wants above your own. And I love her with every ounce of my being. So again how do I fix this? How do I make these jealous feeling go away? How do I stop myself from thinking that every time she is gone and doesn't answer my call or text that she is having this better sex, different sex whatever you want to call it, with someone else?

 

[SlutAddicted]

SlutAddicted first let me address your main point, that is that I am "not superman". I never said I was, I merely stated that I make her cum every time we have sex. On that point I will admit that I exaggerated a little, it is not every time. Sometimes she wants to focus on me and doesn't want to cum herself, other times the kids interrupt or we have to get to work. However, I always ensure the times when she wanted to and couldn't that I bring her there within a day. I'm not saying I'm the master or the best, I just know my wife. I know that other people are better than me at sex. Hell my wife is better than me at sex. I am very aware of that fact and it is one of the reasons that I try very hard to make sure that she has an orgasms every time. It might not be the best, hardest, longest, or most mind blowing that she's ever had every time but she does have one.

And now I would like to respectfully ask you a question: what is your basis for saying I don't? Do you have some window into my wife's body and mind that I dont? Because if you do I would like to buy it from you!

Second, how am I to accept the full range of her sexuality if she won't SHARE the full range of her sexuality? Are you telling me that the only way I can participate is to be a bystander or not be there at all? That was part of my question and I stated in my OP that if that is the case I can't do it. I know that about myself. Thank you for pointing it out in such a harsh way.

Third, I'm not trying to be selfish. I want her to enjoy this aspect of her sexuality but not at the expense of our marriage. Our marriage is THE most important thing in my life, even more important to me than my kids. I will not let anything come between us, especially something as unimportant as a foursome that turns into a twosome. I know it's my feelings and I'm trying to work around that and proceed in such a way so that we can both enjoy the experience, and not just her while I sit wallowing in pain and regret. It might not be pretty but that is my situation. I'm not proud of it, I want to be able to give this to her, but not if it means the marriage.

I think I need to explain how I felt that night to maybe she'd some light on the situation. And also remember my wife only remembers making out and fingering the other girl. She doesn't remember having sex with me and then with the other girl. From the sounds she made she enjoyed herself. What bothered me was her having denied wanting to have sex with women in the past and then obviously enjoying it now. Did something change and if so what? I asked her that during our one talk about it and she said that she has always wanted to try it and says she never denied wanting to. Her planning this trip to see our closest friends (who I still love and am totally fine with) and saying that she had a "feeling" somthing was going to happen made me wonder if it was planned. She says it wasn't. This whole thing blindsided me. We were all flirting and having a good time like normal when we drink nothing odd about that. Then the girls go to the bathroom, again nothing wierd girls do that. Then they go again about 10 minutes later. Then they are holding hands constantly, didn't really think mutch of it we were drinking we all needed the support. Then we get in the car to drive to the liquor store and then to our hotel and they want to sit in the back. Ok whatever I don't care. We get to the liquor store and us guys go in and get the booze and come out and I see my wife kissing the other girls neck and my wife has her hand down the other girls pants. At this point I'm thinking "wow she is really drunk! I'm having some good sex tonight!" So we drop them off at the door because they have to go to the bathroom again and then me and my friend make our way up to the room. Fifteen to twenty minutes later the girls also make it to the room. Then they start making out for real and us guys start to get involved. She asked me to take her cloths off and that is when I realized what was about to happen. I looked her dead in the eyes and asked her if this is what she wanted and if she was sure that we should do this. She answered in the afirmitive and iv already described what happened next. After I was done I literally felt DISCARDED. Like a used condom. Like she was thinking "thank god that part is over and now I can get to the good stuff!" But also as mentioned before she has no memory of that part of the night. She remembers the drive to the hotel and that's it. I'm not mad at her for what happened. I'm mad at my own feelings and want them to change so she can fully enjoy the next time (that is already being planned). It bugs me that I didn't know what was allowed and she didn't even respect me enough to tell me before hand what she was hoping would happen. She wasn't worried about how I would feel about it because and I quote here: "Every guy wishes that their girl would do somthing like this. You should be happy." That sounds to me like she doesn't care what I think or feel and it won't matter because she only wants a "valid" reason.

I just want to know if there is a way for me to change my feelings on the situation. I can't change how she feels and wouldn't if I could. I just want to give her whatever she wants all the time. I love her and want her to know that so far down in her soul that she would never ever question it.

So that being said SlutAddicted how do I change for her? And don't give me the utter bullshit of "you shouldn't change yourself for another person". That's what love really is putting someone else's needs and wants above your own. And I love her with every ounce of my being. So again how do I fix this? How do I make these jealous feeling go away? How do I stop myself from thinking that every time she is gone and doesn't answer my call or text that she is having this better sex, different sex whatever you want to call it, with someone else?

I am sorry if I came across as harsh. And I won't give you the "don't change for someone else" bullshit. I think it is admirable to want to try to adapt to the situation. And we all do change and mature often for a love one.

However, those changes come in small increments because we actually have to internalize and accept a genuinely different point of view. I generally feel as though our emotions are involuntary responses. We can control how we react to them and perhaps try to focus on other things but we can't choose not to feel jealous (at least I can't). What you can do is look at why you are jealous and test some of your basic assumptions.

I did not mean to take cheap shots at you or your sex life but you did echo some things that I think men often get wrong which feed the problem you seem to be facing. So let me test your assumptions.

Sorry to beat this to death but why is it important to believe that your wife gets to orgasm all or almost all of the time? I understand wanting that to be the case. But it has been my experience that the female orgasm is relatively more complex than ours and it simply isn't that predictable. Anecdotally most women I have talked to suggest not only is it not dependably always the case (regardless of the man) but that when a man has such an expectation it puts a damper on the experience. The last thing she wants is to have a good experience dampened by a man who insists on coming to bat again and again until he is convinced he has hit a home run. Wouldn't you fake it every now and then just to get on with your day? Are the lines of communication sufficiently open that if this was not the case you would be prepared to hear it with no negative implications whatsoever? Does your view of the female orgasm come from an understanding of women with whom you have had open dialogue or is it informed by what guys say?

Saying "I never said I am superman all I said was I make her cum every time we have sex" is roughly analogous to saying "I never said I was superman all I said is that I have a cape, can fly and have super human strength". Your claim and the manner in which you assert it suggests that protecting that claim is more important than knowing whether or not it is true. That is an impediment to communication.

How are her orgasms with you pertinent to the situation anyway? I'm guessing you cum almost all of the time with her but that doesn't mean you couldn't imagine the appeal of any other woman or sexual situation. Women are capable of appreciating variety as well as we are. The traditional premise that if a man is satisfying his wife she would never have desire for another is a baseless and false male construct.

Finally, what is the basis for being put off by the fact that she might still be horny even after you are finished? Do you actually believe that it is incumbent on every man to always satisfy the last scintilla of his wife's desire in every single love-making session? Is it incumbent upon her to pretend that is true when the experience you just described proves otherwise? She most certainly did still have desire and she acted on it.....so are you saying that her feelings were wrong? It seem pretty clear that you were done and she wasn't - the fact that you don't like that reality doesn't change it. Are you upset at being discard "like a used condom" or are you upset that she still had desire after you were done? Even if your weren't done what were you expecting of her at that moment when it sounds fairly clear that the guys were not invited to join with one another's wives?

Frankly I find the way your wife went about this to be unacceptable. I have a high acceptance for non-monogamous relations but I also firmly believe that honesty and forthrightness is absolutely critical to make it work. She did not meet that standard at all and I would be mad as hell about the way she made you feel and about making it incumbent upon you to justify why she shouldn't do it again. But I would also be asking myself whether I was really open to hearing what she had to say if she was being more open. It is possible (likely) that this latent desire has existed in her for a long time but she knew it was not something she could raise with you so it only came out when she was very drunk.

The points in my last email were getting at the notion that it seems as though you started with a set of problematic assumptions about female desire and your own manhood. And the circumstance generated jealousy because it contradicted those baseline assumptions. My point is that your manhood is intact......its the starting assumptions that are incorrect.

Women can enjoy variety just as we do - don't confuse that reality with the fact that they have been oppressed into denying it.

Women actually have much greater physical capacity for sex than men. Deep down you know that even if you can cum ten times in a night she could take all ten then do the same with five more men or women. She may not want to but it would because she doesn't want to cheat or doesn't find them attractive or got bored or ceased to enjoy the experience......but with a little lube she could keep going as long as she wants. Please understand that I am not making a disrespectful comparison to your wife but every whorehouse in the world is full of women who fuck all day long.....regular women meeting a standard that few if any men can meet (except maybe when I was 19). Every single man in the history of the world who says "I fucked her until she couldn't take it anymore" is full of shit unless he was being abusive - maybe she didn't want to but she could have.

Women don't see sex as a competitive sport and frankly neither do we. I can appreciate a blond and a brunette without needing to see one as better than the other. Can't you? Why assume women are different?

Female enjoyment of sex is not limited to men that they are in love with? That is something men made up and foisted onto women to guard our own egos?

Men have fostered an artificial view of our own prowess and limited female sexuality. Not only have we reinforced mistruths by repeating them among ourselves but we have forced women to repeat them under threat of violence or rejection. And with great respect for the military that is not exactly the environment in which you are going to find an enlightened view of female sexuality.

Like I said I would absolutely not be happy in your situation but if you are to ask your wife to share the full range of her sexuality you must be prepared to hear all of it without exception. Think about it......you basically said I make her cum every time and she shouldn't have anymore desire after I am done fucking her. Do those sound like the statements of a man who accepts that maybe his view of female sexuality isn't altogether complete or accurate?

I don't mean to parse words here but your comment sounded more like you were angry that she might have needs you can't meet at least as much as how she went about it. On the matter of how she went about it I totally agree with you. But on the matter of whether she might have needs you can't meet - all we are talking about is whether or not you can accept that reality. And now you know it is reality. It isn't because of any failing as a man but because you don't have tits and a vagina.

Start by confronting your own assumptions about female sexuality and male sexual bravado. Pay particular attention to the things that make you angry and why they do. And every time you see or think of something that you think challenges your manhood look closer because those are the problem areas. You need to understand that her ability to enjoy other experiences doesn't automatically take anything away from you. Once you internalize that reality you will experience change and you will be in a valid position to tell her that you accept her as she is but that they way she is going about this is not consistent with your marital commitments.

 

[THE3NDER]

Are you upset at being discard "like a used condom" or are you upset that she still had desire after you were done?

The desire i can deal with, as you pointed out I have desires that my wife could never fulfill and I would never expect her to. Our relationship to this point has been based on us being one. Even when apart we remain one. You probably wont believe this but I could never sleep with another woman because I KNOW what that would do to her. Even if she told me that I could I would know she was lying for whatever reason and still wouldn't do it. We joked early in our marriage about who our free passes would be and each made lists and I tell you right now that if any one or all of those ladies walked through my front door and begged me to have sex, I would say no. Again you probably don't believe me, but I don't care, I know that I wouldn't and that's all that matters.

why is it important to believe that your wife gets to orgasm all or almost all of the time?

This is important for me in the fact that I don't want her to be dissatisfied with our sex life. I don't place an expectation, I just ensure that I am available until she is satisfied. I haven't had a time yet where she was satisfied with anything less than an orgasm, save the aforementioned situations. As to where I get my view on the female orgasm, I only know my wife's and have tried to be as good as I can be in giving them to her. I feel like I'm being called out on my desire to make sure that she gets what she is expecting from our times together. I do cum every time and that still doesn't keep me from continuing if she wants me to, and almost every time she does. I wouldn't feel inadequate if I couldn't bring her there, but I would wonder why.

what is the basis for being put off by the fact that she might still be horny even after you are finished?

I'm not. I'm put off by the fact that she didn't want me to help her finish. Once she realized I came she pushed me away. She has never done that. Ever. Even when we had to separate for a while so that I could deal with some issues and she was furious with me she still wanted me to give her a hug and kiss before I left. I've never had to deal with her rejecting me for someone else and I think that is my main sticking point.

Even if your weren't done what were you expecting of her at that moment when it sounds fairly clear that the guys were not invited to join with one another's wives?

That's part of my issue as well is that there were no ground rules established before it happened. I concentrated on her because i knew that was ok. I don't know if she did anything with her hands on my friend, because as i said she doesn't remember and the lights were off. I felt bad enough that his wife's fingers were inside her when I was. Don't get me wrong it was a turn on I just didn't know what was ok and what wasn't. This next time I'll know what is expected and what is off limits so I won't have that to worry about. As I also said before we haven't really had an opportunity to talk it through all the way yet. The next meetup isn't until summer 2017 so we have plenty of time to work it out. I don't know why I posted this anyway, I just needed to vent to people who will never know us and therefore can't embarrass us.

Is it so wrong for me to want to be involved in all of her sexual acts, SlutAddicted? I'm not saying I have to be touching her at all times, but just having a part of what she is experiencing. Being able to see her would have improved it a ton I think. maybe have the guys help out or something I don't know. Marriage, to me, means that you don't do sex stuff without your partner involved somehow. I know a lot of people don't think that way but I do. I also know that a lot of people will think I repressed or whatever, but I can't help that. I don't think its right for us to seek fulfillment outside of each other. I have put a lot of effort into giving up porn for this very reason, it is stealing from my wife what was hers and replacing it with a cheep copy. I want her to be fulfilled, I truly do. In this situation I just don't know how to do that.

 

[HoldYouDown]

If you don't want to do it again, that's a valid reason.

 

[CapBarbosa2]

You had to change the CD?!?!

 

[THE3NDER]

If you don't want to do it again, that's a valid reason.

To you and me apparently, but she seems to think that she should get another try because a) I didn't stop it and b) she doesn't remember it.

And we did have to change the CD. Would have been awesome under different circumstances.

 

[submit4pleasure]

Speaking from experience, if you both aren't 100% into it, it won't end well. It hurts to feel used.

Pm me if you want to talk further.

 

[THE3NDER]

Speaking from experience, if you both aren't 100% into it, it won't end well. It hurts to feel used.

Pm me if you want to talk further.

Thanks very much.
I'm sitting at like 95% right now I just need to get it resolved with my wife. Well talk soon and I'll update.

 

[submit4pleasure]

Thanks very much.
I'm sitting at like 95% right now I just need to get it resolved with my wife. Well talk soon and I'll update.

I hope you're able to work out the details. Foursomes can be so much fun!

 

[SlutAddicted]

The desire i can deal with, as you pointed out I have desires that my wife could never fulfill and I would never expect her to. Our relationship to this point has been based on us being one. Even when apart we remain one. You probably wont believe this but I could never sleep with another woman because I KNOW what that would do to her. Even if she told me that I could I would know she was lying for whatever reason and still wouldn't do it. We joked early in our marriage about who our free passes would be and each made lists and I tell you right now that if any one or all of those ladies walked through my front door and begged me to have sex, I would say no. Again you probably don't believe me, but I don't care, I know that I wouldn't and that's all that matters.


This is important for me in the fact that I don't want her to be dissatisfied with our sex life. I don't place an expectation, I just ensure that I am available until she is satisfied. I haven't had a time yet where she was satisfied with anything less than an orgasm, save the aforementioned situations. As to where I get my view on the female orgasm, I only know my wife's and have tried to be as good as I can be in giving them to her. I feel like I'm being called out on my desire to make sure that she gets what she is expecting from our times together. I do cum every time and that still doesn't keep me from continuing if she wants me to, and almost every time she does. I wouldn't feel inadequate if I couldn't bring her there, but I would wonder why.


I'm not. I'm put off by the fact that she didn't want me to help her finish. Once she realized I came she pushed me away. She has never done that. Ever. Even when we had to separate for a while so that I could deal with some issues and she was furious with me she still wanted me to give her a hug and kiss before I left. I've never had to deal with her rejecting me for someone else and I think that is my main sticking point.


That's part of my issue as well is that there were no ground rules established before it happened. I concentrated on her because i knew that was ok. I don't know if she did anything with her hands on my friend, because as i said she doesn't remember and the lights were off. I felt bad enough that his wife's fingers were inside her when I was. Don't get me wrong it was a turn on I just didn't know what was ok and what wasn't. This next time I'll know what is expected and what is off limits so I won't have that to worry about. As I also said before we haven't really had an opportunity to talk it through all the way yet. The next meetup isn't until summer 2017 so we have plenty of time to work it out. I don't know why I posted this anyway, I just needed to vent to people who will never know us and therefore can't embarrass us.

Is it so wrong for me to want to be involved in all of her sexual acts, SlutAddicted? I'm not saying I have to be touching her at all times, but just having a part of what she is experiencing. Being able to see her would have improved it a ton I think. maybe have the guys help out or something I don't know. Marriage, to me, means that you don't do sex stuff without your partner involved somehow. I know a lot of people don't think that way but I do. I also know that a lot of people will think I repressed or whatever, but I can't help that. I don't think its right for us to seek fulfillment outside of each other. I have put a lot of effort into giving up porn for this very reason, it is stealing from my wife what was hers and replacing it with a cheep copy. I want her to be fulfilled, I truly do. In this situation I just don't know how to do that.

I don't disbelieve your commitment to your wife or the fact that you would resist other women. And I think we have talked enough about your sex life with your wife.

You asked for input and I was probing to find out whether the issue lay more with your ego or her actions. I could not tell from your original posting whether the key problem is that she has desire to be with another or the fact that she did it? You have clarified that somewhat.

My own view is that if our spouse has desire for another that is perfectly natural and really not something we can change. If we try to we are just asking them to be dishonest with us. That is a completely separate matter from whether they should act upon that desire. I don't see you as repressed. I see you as a loving spouse in a monogamous relationship who expects his wife to keep the same commitment. That is completely fair and realistic. It is absolutely not wrong for you to want to be involved in all of her sexual acts.

But let's be clear that in this case she didn't want you to help her finish.....she wanted to be with the other woman. Like it or not that is the truth. Don't expect her to be dishonest with her desires.

As to what happens next time.....In my view you are a committed couple and you are entitled to expect her to maintain her commitment. The fact that she is tempted to do otherwise or wants another shot because she doesn't remember the first time is beside the point. "I violated my commitment to you but was too drunk to enjoy it so I should get another shot?" That is ridiculous. Maybe she sees it as somehow different because the other person is a woman but obviously you don't feel that way and that is the relevant test. She is not entitled to pick and choose which other people are exempt from her commitment of fidelity.

If you two are going to go down the road of exploring this you have to come to grips with whether her desire is to be with that other woman or you and that other woman. Those are two very different things. If it is just her and the other woman, decide whether you can live with that and be firm in your resolve that you are entitled to expect her to respect her commitment to you and not do it. But don't ask her to pretend she doesn't want what she wants.

It may seem like a good compromise but in my view the proposition that she can fuck another woman as long as you are involved is not tenable.....especially when neither woman wants that and the other woman has a husband who will have his own feelings on this. If they compromise to keep you happy it is just papering over the real issue and there is a high chance that you will feel like a third wheel and things will get worse.

 

[geronimo_appleby]

i've only just skimmed this in the original post, so if there's any repetition, i apologise.

but, if you have reservations, don't do it. i read something about a 'valid reason'?

you don't want to do it. there's the reason.

alternatively, if you sit down and discuss the issue and then decide to proceed - good luck (meant in sincerity as opposed to the drawn out good luck).

be careful of your heart (in the emotional sense).

i hope it works out, but be very careful.

 

[policywank]

The fact that the other person is a woman, they did it already, she was drunk at the time, etc is just a smoke screen. You are in a monogamous relationship you don't want her fucking other people.....end of story unless you two want to re-open the entire premise and parameters of your relationship.

A three-way is not a solution at all. Its a can of worms bigger and more difficult to contain than the one that has already been opened.

 

[geronimo_appleby]

The fact that the other person is a woman, they did it already, she was drunk at the time, etc is just a smoke screen. You are in a monogamous relationship you don't want her fucking other people.....end of story unless you two want to re-open the entire premise and parameters of your relationship.

A three-way is not a solution at all. Its a can of worms bigger and more difficult to contain than the one that has already been opened.

BOOM!

right there.

wise.

 

[THE3NDER]

I don't disbelieve your commitment to your wife or the fact that you would resist other women. And I think we have talked enough about your sex life with your wife.

You asked for input and I was probing to find out whether the issue lay more with your ego or her actions. I could not tell from your original posting whether the key problem is that she has desire to be with another or the fact that she did it? You have clarified that somewhat.

My own view is that if our spouse has desire for another that is perfectly natural and really not something we can change. If we try to we are just asking them to be dishonest with us. That is a completely separate matter from whether they should act upon that desire. I don't see you as repressed. I see you as a loving spouse in a monogamous relationship who expects his wife to keep the same commitment. That is completely fair and realistic. It is absolutely not wrong for you to want to be involved in all of her sexual acts.

But let's be clear that in this case she didn't want you to help her finish.....she wanted to be with the other woman. Like it or not that is the truth. Don't expect her to be dishonest with her desires.

As to what happens next time.....In my view you are a committed couple and you are entitled to expect her to maintain her commitment. The fact that she is tempted to do otherwise or wants another shot because she doesn't remember the first time is beside the point. "I violated my commitment to you but was too drunk to enjoy it so I should get another shot?" That is ridiculous. Maybe she sees it as somehow different because the other person is a woman but obviously you don't feel that way and that is the relevant test. She is not entitled to pick and choose which other people are exempt from her commitment of fidelity.

If you two are going to go down the road of exploring this you have to come to grips with whether her desire is to be with that other woman or you and that other woman. Those are two very different things. If it is just her and the other woman, decide whether you can live with that and be firm in your resolve that you are entitled to expect her to respect her commitment to you and not do it. But don't ask her to pretend she doesn't want what she wants.

It may seem like a good compromise but in my view the proposition that she can fuck another woman as long as you are involved is not tenable.....especially when neither woman wants that and the other woman has a husband who will have his own feelings on this. If they compromise to keep you happy it is just papering over the real issue and there is a high chance that you will feel like a third wheel and things will get worse.

I would like to thank you for your input, it really has been helpful. Also if any of my responses have had a harsh or accusing tone I apologize. You have brought up some valid points that I will have to think about and digest for a while. I will be talking with her about it soon and will hopefully get the matter resolved to both of our liking. Otherwise...well I'll deal with that when the time comes. No sense brooding over things that may never happen. I think that is what has made it so difficult for me is that we haven't had the opportunity to talk in depth about it and really work through it. Life always got in the way.
Anyway, I digress. Thank you for taking the time to think about what I've said and reply. I appreciate it very much.
If people are interested I'll update as we go.

 

[SlutAddicted]

I would like to thank you for your input, it really has been helpful. Also if any of my responses have had a harsh or accusing tone I apologize. You have brought up some valid points that I will have to think about and digest for a while. I will be talking with her about it soon and will hopefully get the matter resolved to both of our liking. Otherwise...well I'll deal with that when the time comes. No sense brooding over things that may never happen. I think that is what has made it so difficult for me is that we haven't had the opportunity to talk in depth about it and really work through it. Life always got in the way.
Anyway, I digress. Thank you for taking the time to think about what I've said and reply. I appreciate it very much.
If people are interested I'll update as we go.

You are welcome. I didn't find any of your responses harsh or accusing in the context of the sensitive topics discussed. It is challenging to contemplate (let alone discuss) these things and your commitment to doing so is admirable. I hope you and your wife are able to sort through it all and look forward to hearing that you are on a constructive path forward.