Behavior Changes From Cock Chastity

[sharon_nj]

My husband and I have been dealing with an issue for a while now in our marriage, in that he has been someone who has wanted to masturbate at least daily most all of his adult life. As we have grown older this has become a problem for our lovemaking since he is desensitizing himself to the point where he has great difficulty getting much less maintaining an erection, even with viagra or cialis for example. We have tried to work through it and he has promised to stop many times only to return to it again. He also becomes quite upset about the subject and we've not been able to resolve it and I'm very frustrated (in many ways). I began reading about cock chastity a year or so ago, and he and I both discussed it. I know from what I've read that it will solve the problems with him not being able to keep his hands off of himself, but I have a couple of questions that I would like to ask that as I'm sure you understand, I can't really ask anywhere else. I was wondering if the readers here might be able to provide me with some helpful feedback:

1. I'm concerned that somehow if the device is on him there is still some way for him to stimulate himself? Or is that really not possible?
2. Can we still have sex somehow that I can be stimulated while he wears it but he cannot? I will confess there is a certain amount of excitement in all of this that we both share. After our discussions on it he did not reject the idea as unacceptable.
3. Most important to me, how long should the device stay on to cause him to become anxious and desperate to be released? I want to know how long is appropriate to keep him locked up but not so long that it could be harmful.
My understanding is that the longer he would be locked up, his personality would begin to be modified and he would become less aggressive and more interested in pleasing me, and focus more on my needs and pleasing me. I would like to hear examples of others experience with these changes, if it is really true, how significant a change I might expect, and how long I might expect it to be before I began to see changes in his behavior. How much control over him I might seriously begin to have. I assume it is a slow process, and I've read that a week is possibly not long enough as couples our age often may have sex only twice a month, and then he is satisfied. So just how long without satisfaction is needed to get him in a truly desperate state and focused only on my needs?

Thanks for taking the time to read and respond to my post...

S~

 

[chargergirl]

Hi Sharon,

You may also want to try asking in the How To forum located here: http://forum.literotica.com/forumdisplay.php?f=6

The kind posters over there are excellent advice givers. You don't have to, of course, but it's another option.

Good luck!

 

[MissJW]

Hope I can give you some answers, or at least new thoughts on the matter! We are a married couple, living in a D/s relationship. My husband is chaste about 5-10 days once a month, I use a soft silicone Birdlocked chastity device on him. He keeps it on 24/7 while chaste, but I take it off once or twice a day when I give him a wash. If his chastity extends over 10 days I've usually had him masturbate for a few minutes every day, mainly cos he's very frustrated by then and craving to touch himself. He is, of course, not allowed to cum.

Anyway, here are my views on your questions.

My husband and I have been dealing with an issue for a while now in our marriage, in that he has been someone who has wanted to masturbate at least daily most all of his adult life. As we have grown older this has become a problem for our lovemaking since he is desensitizing himself to the point where he has great difficulty getting much less maintaining an erection, even with viagra or cialis for example. We have tried to work through it and he has promised to stop many times only to return to it again. He also becomes quite upset about the subject and we've not been able to resolve it and I'm very frustrated (in many ways). I began reading about cock chastity a year or so ago, and he and I both discussed it. I know from what I've read that it will solve the problems with him not being able to keep his hands off of himself, but I have a couple of questions that I would like to ask that as I'm sure you understand, I can't really ask anywhere else.

Firstly I must say chastity is a very big deal for both adults involved. There's not much point to try it if he isn't totally into it or if you yourself are unsure whether you can stick with it. Chastity doesn't really do its tricks if it lasts for 12 hours or a day or two... I don't mean to be rude, just need to say it. It takes time and devotion, which you both need to have. I don't see it as a direct solution to any type of self-control issue, but of course we are all different. And it's brilliant that you've done your reading and that you've also discussed it! Keep it up!

1. I'm concerned that somehow if the device is on him there is still some way for him to stimulate himself? Or is that really not possible?

I'm most definitely no expert on various types of cages, but I'd still say yes, he is able to stimulate himself. If there's a ventilation hole or holes (as there should be!), there's a way to stimulate. It might not give the most amazing orgasm ever, but there can still be one. And then there are those cages that are ridiculously easy to play with; our model is made out of soft silicone and it allows my boy to squeeze himself to orgasm. So in the end it comes down to trust and his willingness to obey you.

2. Can we still have sex somehow that I can be stimulated while he wears it but he cannot? I will confess there is a certain amount of excitement in all of this that we both share. After our discussions on it he did not reject the idea as unacceptable.

Can you have sex while he's locked up? Yes. Can you have PiV intercourse while he's locked up? Well, I guess it could be done (depending on the cage model) but I'm tempted to say no. With that said, we have sex all the time - I use his fingers, tongue, thighs, toys etc and he just throbs away in his cage. I also massage his prostate while he's locked up, between every 5-7 days. I'm always concerned over his prostate health and don't mind the dry orgasms he gets during the massage.

3. Most important to me, how long should the device stay on to cause him to become anxious and desperate to be released?

It depends on the guy. Right now my husband has been locked in for a bit over 6 days (about 150 hours) and he's quite anxious. I've been quite hard on him (for I've been so madly horny) and he's been very aroused for long periods of time, so I guess his head is all over the place right now. The longest he's been locked in was about 14 days and I remember his hips bucking even at the sight of my finger approaching.

I want to know how long is appropriate to keep him locked up but not so long that it could be harmful.

There are as many answers as there are people answering. Personally I would say you can keep him locked up as long as you like (from two days to two years, you get my drift) IF you milk his prostate at least once a week and wash & dry him properly once or twice a day. A day without a wash is harmful in my books and over a week without milking is unthinkable.

My understanding is that the longer he would be locked up, his personality would begin to be modified and he would become less aggressive and more interested in pleasing me, and focus more on my needs and pleasing me. I would like to hear examples of others experience with these changes, if it is really true, how significant a change I might expect, and how long I might expect it to be before I began to see changes in his behavior.

Yep, that is pretty much what happens. But then again I've only done this to one guy and he's very submissive and eager to please anyway. He wants to please me, it's a great joy for him. I'm not sure if your husband's like that? For example, mine has always been excessive in masturbating, but had no problem giving up the control of it to me. We've been together for many years and not once has he cum without my permission nor has he masturbated if I've told him it's off limits for now. What I'm trying to say is that the willingness must be there. There's no point in trying if he's the type who will most likely crack in the end or try to fiddle around behind your back.

With my husband the change in his behavior basically means his normal stuff getting more intense. He's intensely focused, intensely submissive, intensely thorough in pleasing me. He gets so much mental sexual pleasure out of me seeing his cage, feeling it when we cuddle, washing it and so on. Being set in chastity forms another world of different sexual stimulation for him, it's like being on holiday from our normal (yet still D/s) life.

How much control over him I might seriously begin to have.

In the end it's all up to him. He must always have the chance to say "no" and then you call it quits. It's up to him to stimulate himself behind your back or to follow your orders as you give them. If and when it's safe, sane and consensual, the real control is always on the individuals themselves.

I assume it is a slow process, and I've read that a week is possibly not long enough as couples our age often may have sex only twice a month, and then he is satisfied. So just how long without satisfaction is needed to get him in a truly desperate state and focused only on my needs?

You need to try it. It might be a shock for him at first and desperation can take one far! As time goes by and you keep him locked for extended periods, it might happen that he becomes cool with it and can go on for days or weeks without any desperation. Or then it might be the opposite, he could slip into the "super sub" mood straight away.

I'd say just keep talking, agree on a clear and strict set of rules (write them down), plan it as far ahead as you can (you alone, it must be a secret for him), make sure you got your plan b ready in case he slips or you slip and then just go for it. It can be great fun!

Hope this was at least a bit helpful! Do ask more if you wish. Good luck!

 

[gregy70]

Hi Sharon
I'm super impressed that you want to introduce a cage into your marriage & have been reading up on things.

I agree that the eagerness has to be there on his side.
I've never had a cage but would love one.
Then again I never cum unless a woman specifically desires that from me.

Best of luck

 

[policywank]

I think MissJW provided a detailed and well thought out summary of advice.

The one thing I might add is that once he is in chastity you will be exercising a high degree of control over him and his sexual satisfaction. With that degree of control and the prerogative for all matters sexual in your hands you take on a certain degree of responsibility to care for his needs (somewhat like a Dom does for a Sub).

With this much authority I respectfully suggest that you must exercise it responsibly and not succumb to stereotypes about the opposite gender. His control problems are natural and largely unavoidable for his gender. Get a grip on it (no pun intended) but be empathetic rather than judgmental.......in other words rule him but be a benevolent ruler.

It sounds like you don't need that advice but I offer it respectfully anyway.

 

[switchersm]

My husband and I have been dealing with an issue for a while now in our marriage, in that he has been someone who has wanted to masturbate at least daily most all of his adult life. As we have grown older this has become a problem for our lovemaking since he is desensitizing himself to the point where he has great difficulty getting much less maintaining an erection, even with viagra or cialis for example. We have tried to work through it and he has promised to stop many times only to return to it again. He also becomes quite upset about the subject and we've not been able to resolve it and I'm very frustrated (in many ways). I began reading about cock chastity a year or so ago, and he and I both discussed it. I know from what I've read that it will solve the problems with him not being able to keep his hands off of himself, but I have a couple of questions that I would like to ask that as I'm sure you understand, I can't really ask anywhere else. I was wondering if the readers here might be able to provide me with some helpful feedback:

1. I'm concerned that somehow if the device is on him there is still some way for him to stimulate himself? Or is that really not possible?
2. Can we still have sex somehow that I can be stimulated while he wears it but he cannot? I will confess there is a certain amount of excitement in all of this that we both share. After our discussions on it he did not reject the idea as unacceptable.
3. Most important to me, how long should the device stay on to cause him to become anxious and desperate to be released? I want to know how long is appropriate to keep him locked up but not so long that it could be harmful.
My understanding is that the longer he would be locked up, his personality would begin to be modified and he would become less aggressive and more interested in pleasing me, and focus more on my needs and pleasing me. I would like to hear examples of others experience with these changes, if it is really true, how significant a change I might expect, and how long I
might expect it to be before I began to see changes in his behavior. How much control over him I might seriously begin to have. I assume it is a slow process, and I've read that a week is possibly not long enough as couples our age often may have sex only twice a month, and then he is satisfied. So just how long without satisfaction is needed to get him in a truly desperate state and focused only on my needs?

Thanks for taking the time to read and respond to my post...

S~

Hi Sharon,
my beloved wife and I have had a six months test period, in which we proved, if male chastity could be a serious element in our relationship and if yes, which device would be the right one for permanent chastity, what means 24/7, day and night.
Our result was and still is: Yes! to male chastity. We use different cock cages, which we change every second day to prevent pressure marks. My wife unlocks every morning for cleaning while she watches. For a calm night sleep I wear a very leightweight cage. A heavy one bounces around with every body moving. Silicone is only useful for air travelling or night sleep.
Yes, he can masturbate and cum, even with shaking the device,ng if he wants it. But it's not as satisfiying as his normal wanking. Sex, yes, yes yes. He should spoil you in every way you want with his hands, lips and tongue and bring you to many orgasmns, but very seldom orgasmns for him. The ganme of tease and denial. it's your decision, if you still need intercourse. If not let him only wank sometimes. Your husband doesn't need intercourse, that's obvious. Let him eat his cum. Test if humiliation turns him on. Then you can call him smallcock, useless whimp a.s.o.
Make agreements about punishment for not going back into the device immediately after cumming, may be 500 shopping money for you, or a rough spanking for too much begging for release. I get a hard spanking every sunday. My wife has reduced my orgasmns more and more. four last year, two this year and next year will be my last one. I haven't been rude before chastity, but as my wife says, since three years, she feels like my princess, she is in my focus, we talk more, I listen better and we argue much less and of course I satisfy her with long body massages and many orgasmns.
This all is only possible, if you both are in common with real male chastity. So test it over a long period . Buy cheap devices and look which are comfortable but also safe. Safe means not only wanking impossible or at least difficult, but means also, that it shouldn't fall off unlocked and rolls out of the trousers leg. Not so funny in presence of family or colleague.

 

[BareBackRider2]

Great thread

Great thread and I'll be reading with interest also.

My wife and I have only just entered into an agreement where I've told her that she can deny me everything and that she can demand I make her cum with my hands, and reminded her that she usually prefers that anyway.

It's early days but even now, the lust in me for her is 10 fold (and its usually big enough anyway) and I will do ANYTHING to please her.

I feel the next step will be a cage at some point, even if we just use it as a temporary play thing.

But who knows. I've made it clear to her that if she wants to deny me being inside her for ever, I will do whatever she wishes.

 

[SlutAddicted]

To the extent that you seek certain personality modifications you need to be clear with him as to what they are. The cock cage itself is a form of control that can be used in a cycle of punishment/reward or as an overall indicator and symbol of control. However, it is just a tool (one of many really) you can use to bring him in line as opposed to a complete solution.

My wife uses it more in the latter sense as a means of constantly reminding me of my place and her expectations of me. I can't really say whether it incentivizes me to try harder to please her or simply reminds me of the need to do so. But it goes much smoother when she is very clear about what she wants because that gives me something to aim for.

It does seem to illicit a slightly different approach from me in that I previously was attentive but might get frustrated and project disappointment onto her if I wasn't able to please her the way I wanted whereas now I don't see that as an acceptable response. I regard myself more as being in her service and needing to learn rather than an equal entitled to a certain response. I realize now just how much time and energy women waste convincing some men that they are satisfied when they are not and just how comparatively little energy some men put into understanding what satisfies her. Its not about effort (though that always helps) as it is taking the time to understand. Adopting a role of service and eliminating the near-term prospect of my own ejaculation has been very helpful.

However, it has been enjoyable because she invests the time to train and teach me. I think the authority implicit in caging me has made her more comfortable in being direct with me. In fact when she puts it on (or tells me to) she often adopts what I can only describe as a more authoritarian attitude. She becomes the boss.......telling rather than asking. I find her investment of time and possessiveness provides a rewarding sense of being valued as belonging to her and her approach is rewarding because it provides a clear path to winning her approval. It is distinctly asymmetrical but I appreciate the directness and certainty in many ways far more than being part or every decision.

Meanwhile it has taught me that the build up and the wait and the recognition of her sexual power is far more titillating than a simple ejaculation. I now have a strong urge to hold off on ejaculating even when permitted because that represents and end to the titillation for a period of time. I prefer to live in that constant state of sexual awareness and awareness of her sexuality in particular.

But it wouldn't work without her careful attention. She doesn't use it to shut me off so to speak but rather to keep me constantly turned on but behaving.

 

[someguy992]

I wish

this is an interesting topic....I wish my wife would introduce this.

 

[sharon_nj]

The feedback and the constructive information you've all provided is incredible and so appreciated. What I want to know is, with an otherwise "Type A" accomplished educated professional man, how long in chastity should I keep him continuously to totally break him...to reduce him to the point that all he has on his mind from the time he gets up until the time he goes to sleep, is that I am pleased...that he will do whatever I say and try to do anything to please me? I must say that in all my readings on this subject, the thought of such a significant change in his personality drives me wild at the thought that I could ever have such control over him. I'd very much like to understand what to expect, what I would begin to notice on what kind of a time line? How certain I can break his personality ....I value your input and thank you so much...my old college boyfriend has been in contact with me now for about two years, since I joined Facebook. He is quite far away but I mentioned the chats we were having to my husband as I didn't want him to be unaware. He was quite upset at the prospect of me speaking with him which is understandable but I find that as we have chatted he would like the chance to meet me again and I must admit it's been so long that I would very much like to see him again as well...but discreetly, and here in our home, privately. I'd like my husband to be there, but to be controlled and mindful that as we move further along in our little experiment, that my needs always, without exception, must always be considered first and most important. How do I reduce him so he understands and accepts my desire to entertain my guest? Before there is no resistance but only a sincere and loving attentiveness on his part and concern for my pleasure? Having him there to sit quietly by as I'm being loved fills me with so much excitement you all can't imagine. What would be the most effective steps to take?

S~

 

[sharon_nj]

To the extent that you seek certain personality modifications you need to be clear with him as to what they are. The cock cage itself is a form of control that can be used in a cycle of punishment/reward or as an overall indicator and symbol of control. However, it is just a tool (one of many really) you can use to bring him in line as opposed to a complete solution.

My wife uses it more in the latter sense as a means of constantly reminding me of my place and her expectations of me. I can't really say whether it incentivizes me to try harder to please her or simply reminds me of the need to do so. But it goes much smoother when she is very clear about what she wants because that gives me something to aim for.

It does seem to illicit a slightly different approach from me in that I previously was attentive but might get frustrated and project disappointment onto her if I wasn't able to please her the way I wanted whereas now I don't see that as an acceptable response. I regard myself more as being in her service and needing to learn rather than an equal entitled to a certain response. I realize now just how much time and energy women waste convincing some men that they are satisfied when they are not and just how comparatively little energy some men put into understanding what satisfies her. Its not about effort (though that always helps) as it is taking the time to understand. Adopting a role of service and eliminating the near-term prospect of my own ejaculation has been very helpful.

However, it has been enjoyable because she invests the time to train and teach me. I think the authority implicit in caging me has made her more comfortable in being direct with me. In fact when she puts it on (or tells me to) she often adopts what I can only describe as a more authoritarian attitude. She becomes the boss.......telling rather than asking. I find her investment of time and possessiveness provides a rewarding sense of being valued as belonging to her and her approach is rewarding because it provides a clear path to winning her approval. It is distinctly asymmetrical but I appreciate the directness and certainty in many ways far more than being part or every decision.

Meanwhile it has taught me that the build up and the wait and the recognition of her sexual power is far more titillating than a simple ejaculation. I now have a strong urge to hold off on ejaculating even when permitted because that represents and end to the titillation for a period of time. I prefer to live in that constant state of sexual awareness and awareness of her sexuality in particular.

But it wouldn't work without her careful attention. She doesn't use it to shut me off so to speak but rather to keep me constantly turned on but behaving.

I can't say how beautiful your response was, which I read with great interest. The feeling that it is more rewarding and pleasurable to you to deny yourself an orgasm despite being given the permission to do so, shows how high on a pedestal you place her above you, and must feel like the most gratifying feeling I the world.

This is where we will end up on our journey, but it will take time....the guidance I've received indicate 12-18 months of continued supervision and monitoring. He will be loved and cherished by me as he always has...but his focus must be on my pleasure.

I'm wondering if this process of modification might also destroy his ability to lead in his professional career, or are these separate compartments of the personality? Thoughts from anyone?
S~

 

[MissJW]

I'm wondering if this process of modification might also destroy his ability to lead in his professional career, or are these separate compartments of the personality? Thoughts from anyone?

Of course it depends on the person, but at least my hubby's career is thriving. His work is full of responsibilities; planning marketing and budget as well as actually putting those plans into action.

 

[SlutAddicted]

I can't say how beautiful your response was, which I read with great interest. The feeling that it is more rewarding and pleasurable to you to deny yourself an orgasm despite being given the permission to do so, shows how high on a pedestal you place her above you, and must feel like the most gratifying feeling I the world.

This is where we will end up on our journey, but it will take time....the guidance I've received indicate 12-18 months of continued supervision and monitoring. He will be loved and cherished by me as he always has...but his focus must be on my pleasure.

I'm wondering if this process of modification might also destroy his ability to lead in his professional career, or are these separate compartments of the personality? Thoughts from anyone?
S~

I do place her on a pedestal but the pleasure I glean from the build up and wait is multifaceted. The knowledge of my own servitude is wonderful but I also take a sustained physical pleasure that is not as intense as orgasm but more constant and pervasive that creates an ongoing physical/emotional/psychological feedback cycle.

To me the role my wife plays provides a refuge and relief from the rigours of a high stress and high responsibility job. I am not a broken man....just one who enjoys exploring another side of myself.

 

[justherhusband]

This is an intriguing subject. I have no desire to make it a permanent way of life for us, but it seems like it could be fun to play around with. I think it might help my wife become more assertive in our sex lives too, which would be a definite plus.

Question to the folks who have made this a lifestyle, did you start out with it just being experimental and playful or did you go into it with the expressed goal of making it a way of life from the outset?

 

[mrsmitty69]

My wife and I use a CB3000. We have had it a few months now, the longest stretch I've had it on is 48 & 72 hours. It's tough for me to go longer since I have to pass through a metal detector every day for work. We are not ready for the plastic locks. When I have the cage on, my thoughts change to panting to pleasure her more than myself. When I do get unlocked, I'm ready for PIV and so is she. The chastity play has been great for us so far. Would definitely recommend.

 

[SlutAddicted]

This is an intriguing subject. I have no desire to make it a permanent way of life for us, but it seems like it could be fun to play around with. I think it might help my wife become more assertive in our sex lives too, which would be a definite plus.

Question to the folks who have made this a lifestyle, did you start out with it just being experimental and playful or did you go into it with the expressed goal of making it a way of life from the outset?

We went into it as an exploration experiment. However, it was after she had already assumed control of both of our sex lives so it was more a matter of her experimenting and deciding if she wanted it to be part of our repertoire. It is now but it's just one of many types of constraint - it is regular but not constant.