Am I wrong for not wanting to ??

[SassyKatz71]

He's not a good dom and you wasn't wrong in my opinion. From your post it seems to me that he treats sub as a kind of thing that will belong to him. I mean, yes, it's a hot description in a sense, but that's not how people work. It seems to me that all he really wants is sex.

And about that thing as "you teaching him" - I couldn't imagine a worse way to put it. Learning things together - now that's what people naturally do. You can't teach someone to be a dom. You can try things and figure out what works best. You generally just think of what you would like to do, then go on the net and read up how to do it right. If it's a serious step, you discuss it with your sub first. If it's something that can be seamlessly incorporated in whatever you are already doing - you may just as well go for it and surprise her a bit. It's really not about teaching, although it is about learning.

Also: what kind of a relationship you are in? Do you date? Jumping straight into kink is never a good decision. It will never feel right too. You should at least know your partner sexually and personally somehow before doing any DS. Because otherwise it's like navigating a dark unknown room for both of you - where you can bump into all kind of things that will throw you off.

Exactly. No, we do not date. Explaining that jumping into a LS like this is not a good way to go about it. He pushed, I held my ground and wouldn't budge. I might be spontaneous in other areas of life but, not when it comes to more serious matters.
He said he knew all that. Well,if he knew all that, then he knows NOT to jump into anything in such a way. Right?
I know it wouldn't of felt right and it wouldn't of went well, for me at least.Because with the way I am, I would not have enjoyed any of it. Like you said, most people have to know someone first, for awhile, before the even attempt intimacy.
Just because someone is older than the other party does not mean they are desperate. And many younger minds would think older ones would be. So they procede to try and push the issue.Not happening.

 

[BabblingBrooke]

I also think you are absolutely right to trust your instincts here. Definite red flags flying.

 

[SassyKatz71]

He's not a Dom. He's not looking to become a Dom. He's not looking to learn anything. He's looking for an easy lay.

Those were my thoughts exactly.Thankfuly I decided to ask the opinions of my fellow Litsers. Instead of just doing it.

 

[SpunThings]

I'm not sure why people are vilifying someone you don't even know (aside from the OP) and only have hearsay about a few things he's said. Yeah she was right not to follow through with is, but that's because it didn't feel right to her. I don't see red flags, or a horrible person. I just see someone who is either misguided, or has a different idea of how to get to know someone before committing to a relationship than the OP.

There aren't only two options, that of "OMG he's such a douche." and "He's perfect." There's also "We didn't quite have the same idea as to how to approach the relationship, so we moved on."

 

[Nezhul]

probably because the things that we know he said are so far from "normal" that the guy himself is probably not normal too. "trying the sub out" - really? Are you picking a pair of shoes or a girlfriend/sub? Even to think of such thing is weird for me.
This phrase just also shows that hes not interested in the OP as a person - he only wants her as a sub/sex object. Which may be OK for some, but clearly not for OP.
DS relationship is all about responsibility. He clearly doesn't give a damn about anything but his pleasure, that's why he can't really be a responsible and trustworthy dom.

This is my reasoning in a nutshell.

 

[SlutAddicted]

As a guy this sounds to me like a douchebag 101 move. Adopt a ridiculously self-serving position, state it with confidence and pretend as though it is up to the woman to justify her reluctance then refuse to be convinced until she feels compelled to comply.

Maybe the perspective I have drawn out for him is off base and generally I agree with the premise not to jump to conclusions when only hearing one side of the story. But the "ask" here is just too idiotic for any man intelligent enough to dress himself.

Presumably he is also stupid enough to believe that identifying as Sub makes you weak or vulnerable or that by identifying as Dom gives him cover to justify this horse shit.

Obviously you were correct to heed your common sense and personal instinct. Hopefully all women would do the same. But the fact that it even raised a scintilla of doubt in your mind suggests that his game is not altogether unproductive. He'll keep tossing out this stupid ass premise until he finds someone just vulnerable and confused enough to go for it and count himself more of a man for fucking her.

 

[SpunThings]

Wow. You guys are really hard on the guy. A guy is actually up front about what he wants rather than trying to manipulate or lie, and he's somehow this horrible person just because what he wanted wasn't right for the OP?

 

[IrisAlthea]

I'm not sure why people are vilifying someone you don't even know (aside from the OP) and only have hearsay about a few things he's said. Yeah she was right not to follow through with is, but that's because it didn't feel right to her. I don't see red flags, or a horrible person. I just see someone who is either misguided, or has a different idea of how to get to know someone before committing to a relationship than the OP.

There aren't only two options, that of "OMG he's such a douche." and "He's perfect." There's also "We didn't quite have the same idea as to how to approach the relationship, so we moved on."

Wow. You guys are really hard on the guy. A guy is actually up front about what he wants rather than trying to manipulate or lie, and he's somehow this horrible person just because what he wanted wasn't right for the OP?

Yup, totally agree.

 

[Nezhul]

Wow. You guys are really hard on the guy. A guy is actually up front about what he wants rather than trying to manipulate or lie, and he's somehow this horrible person just because what he wanted wasn't right for the OP?

What he wanted isn't right for MOST people. Of course there will be some to whom he may seem as a dream partner. Well, there's someone for anyone in this world. But that doesn't mean he's not a dick by most people's standarts. That's why this type of behaviour is not tolerated well, nor is it encouraged. That's a normal social reaction. And I approve it, because if we start being tolerant to every weird guy, saying "it's okay, it's just how he is, it's totally fine to be like that..." then we are basically hurting ourselves in the long run, because more and more people start being like that.

Once you think about society as a perfectly logical mechanism, you'll see which reaction is normal and which is not.

BTW why do you protect him so much? Are you of the same views as the guy? Then defend the views, not the person. Or are you just one of those people who believe in total freedom and everyone doing whatever he/she likes to the extremes?

 

[SlutAddicted]

Wow. You guys are really hard on the guy. A guy is actually up front about what he wants rather than trying to manipulate or lie, and he's somehow this horrible person just because what he wanted wasn't right for the OP?

I understand where you are coming from but I am not sure I agree.

If what you want is something out of the ordinary but still fundamentally your prerogative, the difference between being a dick versus an honest up front guy is when you raise it. So for instance if you are fully committed to non-monogamy raising it up front is fair game whereas bring it up after you have dated her, fucked her and met her parents is a dick move.

But if what you want is fundamentally unreasonable or offensive, it isn't any less of a dick move just because you do it up front. Take a more extreme example for illustrative purposes. If a guy said he planned to beat you and hit on all your friends and family, saying so up front doesn't make him less of a dick.

Before anyone accuses me of making a trite comparison I am not saying that what he did was comparable to that last example. I am saying that there is a continuum of things that one might say or do and beyond a certain point it doesn't matter that you declare your intentions up front. The last illustration is much further along the continuum than saying "I want to fuck you first". But both are over the line of reasonability.

I think that to appreciate this you need to put yourself in the woman's shoes. The guy is much bigger than her and could represent a physical threat. Anyone who starts out with his premise is much more likely to feel entitled and therefore present a rape risk. What he is asking is patently unreasonable inside or outside the fetish world. I won't try to make a case for what a Dom should be but I think most people with a grain of sense would agree that establishing trust is the first step.

And he was being manipulative. He was using the premise of being Dom to try to convince someone that they ought to be compelled to do something unreasonable without any regard for her health or well-being. Again not for me to define but generally speaking a Dom has a degree of control over a Sub and enjoys various privileges, but not the right to abuse without any regard for the Sub.

 

[IrisAlthea]

What he wanted isn't right for MOST people. Of course there will be some to whom he may seem as a dream partner. Well, there's someone for anyone in this world. But that doesn't mean he's not a dick by most people's standarts. That's why this type of behaviour is not tolerated well, nor is it encouraged. That's a normal social reaction. And I approve it, because if we start being tolerant to every weird guy, saying "it's okay, it's just how he is, it's totally fine to be like that..." then we are basically hurting ourselves in the long run, because more and more people start being like that.

Once you think about society as a perfectly logical mechanism, you'll see which reaction is normal and which is not.

BTW why do you protect him so much? Are you of the same views as the guy? Then defend the views, not the person. Or are you just one of those people who believe in total freedom and everyone doing whatever he/she likes to the extremes?

So you are saying that if someone asks för something that most people wouldn't consider normal or decent to ask for, that shouldn't be tolerated because then suddenly everyone would start wanting that?
You realize that this is the BDSM board, right?

I understand where you are coming from but I am not sure I agree.

If what you want is something out of the ordinary but still fundamentally your prerogative, the difference between being a dick versus an honest up front guy is when you raise it. So for instance if you are fully committed to non-monogamy raising it up front is fair game whereas bring it up after you have dated her, fucked her and met her parents is a dick move.

But if what you want is fundamentally unreasonable or offensive, it isn't any less of a dick move just because you do it up front. Take a more extreme example for illustrative purposes. If a guy said he planned to beat you and hit on all your friends and family, saying so up front doesn't make him less of a dick.

Before anyone accuses me of making a trite comparison I am not saying that what he did was comparable to that last example. I am saying that there is a continuum of things that one might say or do and beyond a certain point it doesn't matter that you declare your intentions up front. The last illustration is much further along the continuum than saying "I want to fuck you first". But both are over the line of reasonability.

I think that to appreciate this you need to put yourself in the woman's shoes. The guy is much bigger than her and could represent a physical threat. Anyone who starts out with his premise is much more likely to feel entitled and therefore present a rape risk. What he is asking is patently unreasonable inside or outside the fetish world. I won't try to make a case for what a Dom should be but I think most people with a grain of sense would agree that establishing trust is the first step.

And he was being manipulative. He was using the premise of being Dom to try to convince someone that they ought to be compelled to do something unreasonable without any regard for her health or well-being. Again not for me to define but generally speaking a Dom has a degree of control over a Sub and enjoys various privileges, but not the right to abuse without any regard for the Sub.

His size is not very interesting in a conversation on the internet.
As I interpret it, he said that he would not commit to being in a d/s relationship without playing casually first.
If OP isn't into that, she is quite right to say thanks, but no thanks.
I still don't see reason for outrage and I see no manipulation.
We are probably going to have to agree to disagree.

Generally, I think it's way more creepy when someone wants to fall head over heels into something.

 

[Nezhul]

So you are saying that if someone asks för something that most people wouldn't consider normal or decent to ask for, that shouldn't be tolerated because then suddenly everyone would start wanting that?

change the wouldn "shouldn't" with "wouldn't". I merely explained where the hate is coming from. When people feel threatened by the idea, they disapprove of it. BDSM is frowned upon. A lot of people bash it.
It doesn't mean the idea is bad in itself - just so different that people dislike it.
Polygamy is another such idea. I honestly don't care much about that.
Acting like that guy acts is ANOTHER idea. Only time will judge if it is good or bad. I dislike it. I don't want a lot of guys like that to be around me or my children. I will bash his idea of relationship. If his way is good, then it will survive no matter what, just like BDSM is surviving and growing in power. But if his ways are bad (for the society in general) they will be stomped into the ground.

You should understand, that society is a single, complete mechanism. It's almost like a life form in itself. It will face threats, it will pursue benefits, it will always evolve and adapt. Arguments are one form of such adaptation.

 

[IrisAlthea]

change the wouldn "shouldn't" with "wouldn't". I merely explained where the hate is coming from. When people feel threatened by the idea, they disapprove of it. BDSM is frowned upon. A lot of people bash it.
It doesn't mean the idea is bad in itself - just so different that people dislike it.
Polygamy is another such idea. I honestly don't care much about that.
Acting like that guy acts is ANOTHER idea. Only time will judge if it is good or bad. I dislike it. I don't want a lot of guys like that to be around me or my children. I will bash his idea of relationship. If his way is good, then it will survive no matter what, just like BDSM is surviving and growing in power. But if his ways are bad (for the society in general) they will be stomped into the ground.

You should understand, that society is a single, complete mechanism. It's almost like a life form in itself. It will face threats, it will pursue benefits, it will always evolve and adapt. Arguments are one form of such adaptation.

This guy's behaviour makes him very easy to avoid for anyone who doesn't want to be taken for a test drive.

The people I really don't like around me or mine, are the ones who will blow sunshine up people's arse and then change their tune when it's hard to back out.

 

[SassyKatz71]

I think it's more his age and inexperience, than him being a "douche"
The general consensus on the Lifestyle, for the most part is that it isn't a good way to start a D/s relationship. And seems looked down upon by most part, as to how he went about it.
For me, it was also the general disregard for how I felt about it.Explaining how potential partners should/would go about meeting in a public place to see how it goes etc and seeing if there is indeed a connection,after conversating about the wants and needs of each potential partner and to get to know them and build up the trust and connection,if there is one, by proceeding in this manner. To see if there would be the possibility of a good,solid relationship to grow.

He wanted to not do that first. He wanted to just pick me up and go somewhere and see if he likes the feel of my female parts and how he felt in me,during intercourse. To see if he would like it enough. And then decide if we should proceed or not. For me, that was a red flag.

After explaining the why's and wherefore's of a proper first meeting. As I've also spoken with many experienced Doms and subs on this subject,as well as the opinion of my fellow Litsers,so I could know the general consensus from different people in the Lifestyle.

If it was similar to my thoughts or not. I don't down this guy. But cannot be comfortable with any of it,with him. Knowing he has no regard to my thoughts and feelings on the subject. Even after telling him I am not comfortable with how he wanted to do this. And that I needed time to know him, before getting to the intimate part of it. That didn't seem to matter to him. He said we could do that after, IF he liked how it felt. And said he knew all this,I was over thinking it..I didn't believe him.

So,I believe I made the right choice in not being spontaneous and just doing it,and seeking others opinions on the matter. I'm very appreciative of the responses and opinions of my fellow members of Lit.
I feel better knowing I'm not just over reacting or over thinking this ( and yes I do tend to over think/over analyze everything I consider serious to me, in my life) but not this time

 

[IrisAlthea]

I think it's more his age and inexperience, than him being a "douche"
The general consensus on the Lifestyle, for the most part is that it isn't a good way to start a D/s relationship. And seems looked down upon by most part, as to how he went about it.
For me, it was also the general disregard for how I felt about it.Explaining how potential partners should/would go about meeting in a public place to see how it goes etc and seeing if there is indeed a connection,after conversating about the wants and needs of each potential partner and to get to know them and build up the trust and connection,if there is one, by proceeding in this manner. To see if there would be the possibility of a good,solid relationship to grow.

He wanted to not do that first. He wanted to just pick me up and go somewhere and see if he likes the feel of my female parts and how he felt in me,during intercourse. To see if he would like it enough. And then decide if we should proceed or not. For me, that was a red flag.

After explaining the why's and wherefore's of a proper first meeting. As I've also spoken with many experienced Doms and subs on this subject,as well as the opinion of my fellow Litsers,so I could know the general consensus from different people in the Lifestyle.

If it was similar to my thoughts or not. I don't down this guy. But cannot be comfortable with any of it,with him. Knowing he has no regard to my thoughts and feelings on the subject. Even after telling him I am not comfortable with how he wanted to do this. And that I needed time to know him, before getting to the intimate part of it. That didn't seem to matter to him. He said we could do that after, IF he liked how it felt. And said he knew all this,I was over thinking it..I didn't believe him.

So,I believe I made the right choice in not being spontaneous and just doing it,and seeking others opinions on the matter. I'm very appreciative of the responses and opinions of my fellow members of Lit.
I feel better knowing I'm not just over reacting or over thinking this ( and yes I do tend to over think/over analyze everything I consider serious to me, in my life) but not this time

Yes, age and experience probably play a part.

I think you made the right decision, but please don't think that you need any general consensus (if there ever is such a thing) to turn down an offer you don't feel good about.
If you don't feel safe or if you just don't feel like it, that's enough reason to say no whatever the rest of the world thinks.

 

[SpunThings]

What he wanted isn't right for MOST people. Of course there will be some to whom he may seem as a dream partner. Well, there's someone for anyone in this world. But that doesn't mean he's not a dick by most people's standarts. That's why this type of behaviour is not tolerated well, nor is it encouraged. That's a normal social reaction. And I approve it, because if we start being tolerant to every weird guy, saying "it's okay, it's just how he is, it's totally fine to be like that..." then we are basically hurting ourselves in the long run, because more and more people start being like that.

Once you think about society as a perfectly logical mechanism, you'll see which reaction is normal and which is not.

BTW why do you protect him so much? Are you of the same views as the guy? Then defend the views, not the person. Or are you just one of those people who believe in total freedom and everyone doing whatever he/she likes to the extremes?

Actually, it is OK. It's totally OK to be weird, and buck the social norms. Who is he harming? Why should we discourage it? I prefer my weird friends thank you very much, because they don't feel the need to discourage my other weird friends in different weird ways from being their weird selves.

ETA: I'm sorry, I didn't address the last part of your post. I don't protect him, but I do like to step in when I think a viewpoint is not being addressed. Would it matter at all if I have the same views of the guy? Since you asked, here is my perspective on the matter.

Two consenting adults get to choose how they have their relationship, as long as it is not harmful to anyone. I personally choose long term monogamy, AKA marriage. The traditional date the guy, get to know him, commit to marriage by saying "we're fiances!", eventually get married, and do your damnedest to stay married. Hey, that's totally what I did! I'm happily married now. I do not do casual sex. I wouldn't be into his proposed arrangement at all.

However, I don't see how he caused any harm in asking. He wasn't already in a power exchange relationship with her, so he did not use the influence of his position of power in the relationship to coerce her into something she didn't want. He stated up front what he was interested in, and it turned out to be a horrible idea for her. That makes him a douche? What if she actually LOVED that idea? He's not a douche, because it was a desirable arrangement for her?

There are acts that people consent to that are still douchery. Abuse is pretty douchey, regardless of whether or not the abusee chooses to stay in the relationship (OK I realize I'm implying remaining in an abusive relationship is consent which I don't believe...maybe a horrible example). However, proposing what is generally a not desirable arangement in an open and up front way? It may be distasteful. It may possibly be unwise. However, that doesn't make him a douche.

 

[SpunThings]

I understand where you are coming from but I am not sure I agree.

If what you want is something out of the ordinary but still fundamentally your prerogative, the difference between being a dick versus an honest up front guy is when you raise it. So for instance if you are fully committed to non-monogamy raising it up front is fair game whereas bring it up after you have dated her, fucked her and met her parents is a dick move.

But if what you want is fundamentally unreasonable or offensive, it isn't any less of a dick move just because you do it up front. Take a more extreme example for illustrative purposes. If a guy said he planned to beat you and hit on all your friends and family, saying so up front doesn't make him less of a dick.

Before anyone accuses me of making a trite comparison I am not saying that what he did was comparable to that last example. I am saying that there is a continuum of things that one might say or do and beyond a certain point it doesn't matter that you declare your intentions up front. The last illustration is much further along the continuum than saying "I want to fuck you first". But both are over the line of reasonability.

I think that to appreciate this you need to put yourself in the woman's shoes. The guy is much bigger than her and could represent a physical threat. Anyone who starts out with his premise is much more likely to feel entitled and therefore present a rape risk. What he is asking is patently unreasonable inside or outside the fetish world. I won't try to make a case for what a Dom should be but I think most people with a grain of sense would agree that establishing trust is the first step.

And he was being manipulative. He was using the premise of being Dom to try to convince someone that they ought to be compelled to do something unreasonable without any regard for her health or well-being. Again not for me to define but generally speaking a Dom has a degree of control over a Sub and enjoys various privileges, but not the right to abuse without any regard for the Sub.

You're telilng a story about this guy in your head based on little information. The thing is, the story I told myself in my head was totally different. That's not to say that either of our stories is correct, or one is wrong, that's to say that both of us has created something in our head, and filled in blanks that weren't provided by the OP. I think the information we've been given isn't enough to lambaste this guy.

 

[SpunThings]

change the wouldn "shouldn't" with "wouldn't". I merely explained where the hate is coming from. When people feel threatened by the idea, they disapprove of it. BDSM is frowned upon. A lot of people bash it.
It doesn't mean the idea is bad in itself - just so different that people dislike it.
Polygamy is another such idea. I honestly don't care much about that.
Acting like that guy acts is ANOTHER idea. Only time will judge if it is good or bad. I dislike it. I don't want a lot of guys like that to be around me or my children. I will bash his idea of relationship. If his way is good, then it will survive no matter what, just like BDSM is surviving and growing in power. But if his ways are bad (for the society in general) they will be stomped into the ground.

You should understand, that society is a single, complete mechanism. It's almost like a life form in itself. It will face threats, it will pursue benefits, it will always evolve and adapt. Arguments are one form of such adaptation.

That doesn't mean they're correct to disapprove it. People used to feel threatened by gay people, and have perpetrated some horrible things in the name of that fear.

You're now backtracking to say his ways will be stomped to the ground. I'm not talking about taking issue with his ways. I"m talking about taking issue with people villifying him as a person, and calling him a douche.

There's a difference between "That's a pretty shitty thing to ask." and "You're a total douche for asking that."

 

[SpunThings]

I think it's more his age and inexperience, than him being a "douche"
The general consensus on the Lifestyle, for the most part is that it isn't a good way to start a D/s relationship. And seems looked down upon by most part, as to how he went about it.
For me, it was also the general disregard for how I felt about it.Explaining how potential partners should/would go about meeting in a public place to see how it goes etc and seeing if there is indeed a connection,after conversating about the wants and needs of each potential partner and to get to know them and build up the trust and connection,if there is one, by proceeding in this manner. To see if there would be the possibility of a good,solid relationship to grow.

He wanted to not do that first. He wanted to just pick me up and go somewhere and see if he likes the feel of my female parts and how he felt in me,during intercourse. To see if he would like it enough. And then decide if we should proceed or not. For me, that was a red flag.

After explaining the why's and wherefore's of a proper first meeting. As I've also spoken with many experienced Doms and subs on this subject,as well as the opinion of my fellow Litsers,so I could know the general consensus from different people in the Lifestyle.

If it was similar to my thoughts or not. I don't down this guy. But cannot be comfortable with any of it,with him. Knowing he has no regard to my thoughts and feelings on the subject. Even after telling him I am not comfortable with how he wanted to do this. And that I needed time to know him, before getting to the intimate part of it. That didn't seem to matter to him. He said we could do that after, IF he liked how it felt. And said he knew all this,I was over thinking it..I didn't believe him.

So,I believe I made the right choice in not being spontaneous and just doing it,and seeking others opinions on the matter. I'm very appreciative of the responses and opinions of my fellow members of Lit.
I feel better knowing I'm not just over reacting or over thinking this ( and yes I do tend to over think/over analyze everything I consider serious to me, in my life) but not this time

I have to say that your feelings on this matter are very reasonable, and that you've made the right decision. Just so it's clear, I don't object to your own processing of the event, or how you choose to respond to it. I object to the rest of the respondents in this thread attacking the character of a person based on little to no information, and a fairly harmless (even if it's "so not done") question.

 

[SpunThings]

Yes, age and experience probably play a part.

I think you made the right decision, but please don't think that you need any general consensus (if there ever is such a thing) to turn down an offer you don't feel good about.
If you don't feel safe or if you just don't feel like it, that's enough reason to say no whatever the rest of the world thinks.

And this is the best answer of this whole thread.

 

[SlutAddicted]

You're telilng a story about this guy in your head based on little information. The thing is, the story I told myself in my head was totally different. That's not to say that either of our stories is correct, or one is wrong, that's to say that both of us has created something in our head, and filled in blanks that weren't provided by the OP. I think the information we've been given isn't enough to lambaste this guy.

I get what you are saying. But you will also note that I immediately followed up my scenario with a clear and unambiguous statement that perhaps the perspective I have drawn is off base and the statement that I generally disagree with jumping to conclusions based upon one side of the story. I think I made it pretty clear that my assessment of the guy wasn't based upon the story I ran in my head. It is based upon trying to put myself in her shoes and acknowledging the things that might go through her mind related to the risk of the situation.

Perhaps I am misreading the OP. But what I understood her to say was that she proposed a get to know you meeting in a public place and she did not preclude anything in terms of where it went from there. He responded by refusing that and saying he wanted to go straight to fucking (presumably in a non-public place).

I completely agree with those who say that just because someone's preference or approach is not widely accepted in society doesn't make them a douche. However, I do believe that there is a threshold beyond which "well that is my preference" is not a reasonable response. We can disagree on where that line is but I would hope that most sane individuals would agree that such a line exists. To be silly about it hopefully we could all agree that saying "I am into cannibalism and the only way to get girls to date me is to lie about it, but hey that's just my thing and you shouldn't judge" is over the line. Obviously that isn't comparable....I'm just establishing that the line exists.

No we shouldn't be constrained by what is socially acceptable but that doesn't mean anything goes. I personally think that insisting the first meeting be a fuck in a private place, is at least from a woman's perspective, over the line.

For me the key is whether your actions present a threat or involve asking someone to put themselves in a situation that presents a threat to their well being. For a man to ask a woman to meet him for a fuck in a private place upon their first meeting is asking her to put herself in a position that represents a threat. Even the most vulnerable woman in society acting under duress (street or house call prostitutes) don't do this without at least some nominal protection (albeit inadequate).

As noted multiple times and has been demonstrated in many of my past posts, I believe it is wrong to judge a situation or person based upon one side of the story. I try to read the OPs post and filter out their assessments or judgments and just pick out the facts. If in fact this man insisted that their first meeting be a private fuck committed to in advance without ever having met he has opened himself to criticism at least as offensive as that ask.

 

[Halen]

I started talking to someone in FL last week. Which I've had for events and munches.

We chatted about the kinks and everything and what we both were looking for. He says he's a Dom. Much younger than I also. But wants me to teach him to be a better Dom. So I discuss what I've learned and what I know. He wants hands on experience,from me. I've never heard of a Sub training a Dom? Shouldn't he be learning from other Doms?

And wants me to be his Sub.

I suggested we meet in a public place to see how it went and to talk more. Now,here's where I had red flags Pop up.
He wants to "try me out" FIRST, Before deciding if he wants to be my Dom or not. He wants to know what I feel like and to see if he likes it,or not.

My first thought to this was, He can't be serious?!?! Who the hell does that when meeting someone? So, I told him that's not how you go about things. He says that's how he works. I think he's just playing to get sex.

Was I wrong in thinking this isn't right?? I've never spoken to a Dom that has even mentioned something like that the first few conversations. Or even later on. None I've spoken to in the past, as I've learned and grew as a person and a woman, have EVER pushed something like that. So, I've given it a lot of thought and still come to the same conclusion..
I would be nuts to even want to attempt this. This guy is like 6'1 and 220+ . I don't fear him but don't know him enough to even feel safe. He says he wouldn't hurt me. But how can I trust that ? I've seen his pics(normal ones) and he is a solid guy. I could be spontaneous and go for it. And most likely just get used. Or worse.

But I'm not into jumping into bed with someone I don't know at all. He's just pushing too much. I backed off completely. Was I wrong??

I`m not into the BDSM Scene nor do I practice this regularily. from what you described as one male reading into the bullshit of another, trust your gut. if its making you iffy or as stated popping up flags, tell him to get the fuck lost. he is trying to play you into a One pump n dump situation. or in shorter... Yes he is just looking to have sex with you and most likely you wont hear from him again. Dom`s don't get trained by Subs from my miniscule knowledge of the scene. hmm maybe I should look into it, I could make a decent sub to a mistress.

 

[subwannabe]

In a way I don't really see how BDSM dating rituals are any different than normal accepted vanilla dating rituals. If this was a vanilla relationship this guy would be labeled a douche bag creep but just because BDSM is involved we should give this guy a free pass. Sure, some douche bag creeps might eventually mature and not be that way anymore but until that happens he is still a douche bag creep.

 

[policywank]

This isn't about expressing or judging personal preferences. It is about a strange man asking a woman to put herself in a dangerous situation. That is a douchy creepy thing to do.

 

[lakesailer_mi]

I started talking to someone in FL last week. Which I've had for events and munches.

We chatted about the kinks and everything and what we both were looking for. He says he's a Dom. Much younger than I also. But wants me to teach him to be a better Dom. So I discuss what I've learned and what I know. He wants hands on experience,from me. I've never heard of a Sub training a Dom? Shouldn't he be learning from other Doms?

And wants me to be his Sub.

I suggested we meet in a public place to see how it went and to talk more. Now,here's where I had red flags Pop up.
He wants to "try me out" FIRST, Before deciding if he wants to be my Dom or not. He wants to know what I feel like and to see if he likes it,or not.

My first thought to this was, He can't be serious?!?! Who the hell does that when meeting someone? So, I told him that's not how you go about things. He says that's how he works. I think he's just playing to get sex.

Was I wrong in thinking this isn't right?? I've never spoken to a Dom that has even mentioned something like that the first few conversations. Or even later on. None I've spoken to in the past, as I've learned and grew as a person and a woman, have EVER pushed something like that. So, I've given it a lot of thought and still come to the same conclusion..
I would be nuts to even want to attempt this. This guy is like 6'1 and 220+ . I don't fear him but don't know him enough to even feel safe. He says he wouldn't hurt me. But how can I trust that ? I've seen his pics(normal ones) and he is a solid guy. I could be spontaneous and go for it. And most likely just get used. Or worse.

But I'm not into jumping into bed with someone I don't know at all. He's just pushing too much. I backed off completely. Was I wrong??

I don't really know much about the lifestyle, but if your Spidey sense is tingling....it's probably something you don't want to get into.
Trust your gut which seems to be saying, "no way."