How to deal with stress...

[themightyoak]

...when there is no one to talk to.

My wife has some sort of mental disorder that makes her treat our kids as adversaries. She and I have been married for a very long time, and I love her to death, but her relationship with our kids is a complete disaster. I am caught in the middle, and I've done damage control for many years, but one child (young adult) is now in the danger zone, and the stress gets to be too much sometimes.

I had a close friend I could talk to, a woman, but she got married and her husband felt threatened by our friendship. I had another woman I used to talk with, but she moved away, and she doesn't use the Internet. My closest friends have always been women.

How do I find someone to talk to? I don't want to meet anyone, I'm not looking to cheat. I just need someone to talk to. Is there a website that caters to this sort of thing? Or is there some other way to deal with stress? I've chopped enough firewood to last 30 years!

 

[Penuche]

In the UK you can ask your doctor to refer you for counselling on the NHS (6-12 sessions); this isn't so much mental treatment or advice as just having a pair of uninvolved ears and a bit of perspective.

That might not sound much, but believe you me, it can work wonders being able to offload just once a week without worrying about what you say ever hurting friends family or the one you love.

It's not the entire answer, but it might ease your stress levels enough to be able to handle the rest a lot more easily. I hope so, anyway.

It's only the first step, but it can mean prevent you being medicated when you neither want nor need it.

 

[NightL]

My closest friends have always been women.

and what may she be tying to say to you?

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[themightyoak]

In the UK you can ask your doctor to refer you for counselling on the NHS (6-12 sessions); this isn't so much mental treatment or advice as just having a pair of uninvolved ears and a bit of perspective.

That might not sound much, but believe you me, it can work wonders being able to offload just once a week without worrying about what you say ever hurting friends family or the one you love.

It's not the entire answer, but it might ease your stress levels enough to be able to handle the rest a lot more easily. I hope so, anyway.

It's only the first step, but it can mean prevent you being medicated when you neither want nor need it.

We are in family counseling, and I do get a chance to talk privately with the psychologist, and you are right, it does help, but it's not the same. The psychologist only pretends to be a friend for 50 minutes at a time, and then that is followed by a bill for $120.

 

[themightyoak]

and what may she be tying to say to you?

My apologies, but I don't know what you mean.

 

[MysticalSwan]

In the States you can also ask your doc for a referal to a therapist that can help you figure things out in a safe and quiet place. They have a whole bag of tricks and tools that they can teach you to help clam everything down.

Now if you are looking for a support group or something like that, I don't know of any.

I hope everything works ok and soon!

 

[themightyoak]

How are your children coping?

Would family therapy be a way forward?

It seems that while this sort of emotional support is within the realms of friendship to give you actually need some more proactive solutions which are not always best coming from friends...so you are right to look for other solutions.

As well as looking for outlet for yourself it really seems that you need to consider impact on the rest of your family.

We have three children, and two have moved out. They are doing much better being away and the one who was on depression medication is no longer. The youngest is still at home, and she is doing reckless things. We are attending family counseling, have been for years, but unless someone can change my wife, nothing else will matter.

 

[themightyoak]

I hope everything works ok and soon!

Thank you. Me too.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[themightyoak]

Forgive me, but what you need is not a friend, or a pretend friend, but someone giving you tools of how to react and protect yourself and your children. If this therapist is not working research something else that might.

Even adult children need emotional support in these circumstances unfortunately and you and they need to arm themselves with the emotional and practical tools to do so. Your adult children need to know its ok to end phone calls that turn nasty, for example. Your young adult needs to know its ok to get up and leave a room. They need to know there is support for them and that in the face of poor mental health their mother is not hating them, just incapable of more.

Coming to accept a parent does the best they could is tremendously helpful I think.

The psychologist we are seeing is really very good, and my kids know all the coping skills, but even though you may know how to weather a storm, you're still stuck standing in a storm. And for the record, my wife does hate her kids. There is an official name for her condition, but I don't remember it. Also, my kids and I are very close, so they get plenty of emotional support.

My daughter needs additional counseling, but I don't. Honestly, I just need someone to talk to.

 

[Penuche]

<snip> My daughter needs additional counseling, but I don't. Honestly, I just need someone to talk to.

Taking your wife's condition into account, have you done an online search for a support group for the partners etc of people in a similar situation?

No magic wand, but a whole lot of "been there, done that, not just me then?".

 

[themightyoak]

Taking your wife's condition into account, have you done an online search for a support group for the partners etc of people in a similar situation?

No magic wand, but a whole lot of "been there, done that, not just me then?".

Years ago I used to participate in a forum, much like this one, for spouses in similar circumstances, but it was mostly one big bitch session. I'm not looking for that, but your suggestion is a good one, and maybe it's time I looked again. My wife's condition is found almost exclusively in women, so support groups are usually all men, but that's better than nothing, I guess.

But I don't want to talk to someone so much about my wife's condition. I'm really more interested in someone who might be able to help me navigate the day-to-day emotions of a 20-year-old daughter under these circumstances. Talking to my sons is so much easier, but sometimes with my daughter, I feel like I'm just not "getting it." And I'm probably not, and when that happens, I feel helpless and she looks so lost and hopeless.

 

[Iceprincess12]

Years ago I used to participate in a forum, much like this one, for spouses in similar circumstances, but it was mostly one big bitch session. I'm not looking for that, but your suggestion is a good one, and maybe it's time I looked again. My wife's condition is found almost exclusively in women, so support groups are usually all men, but that's better than nothing, I guess.

But I don't want to talk to someone so much about my wife's condition. I'm really more interested in someone who might be able to help me navigate the day-to-day emotions of a 20-year-old daughter under these circumstances. Talking to my sons is so much easier, but sometimes with my daughter, I feel like I'm just not "getting it." And I'm probably not, and when that happens, I feel helpless and she looks so lost and hopeless.

It seems like every suggestion you are given you say "great idea but..." Go put up a personal ad asking for someone to listen to the stress in your life and all of your personal problems. The nice people above gave you viable options and the only reason you would discard all of them is that you really want a woman to "chat" with. I am sure it wouldn't take long for your chat to turn dirty.

"There is an official name for her condition, but I don't remember it"

Hahaha! Best joke I have read today!

 

[themightyoak]

It seems like every suggestion you are given you say "great idea but..." Go put up a personal ad asking for someone to listen to the stress in your life and all of your personal problems. The nice people above gave you viable options and the only reason you would discard all of them is that you really want a woman to "chat" with. I am sure it wouldn't take long for your chat to turn dirty.

"There is an official name for her condition, but I don't remember it"

Hahaha! Best joke I have read today!

Yes, I am looking for a woman to chat with. Is that a problem?

 

[great lover]

...when there is no one to talk to.

My wife has some sort of mental disorder that makes her treat our kids as adversaries. She and I have been married for a very long time, and I love her to death, but her relationship with our kids is a complete disaster. I am caught in the middle, and I've done damage control for many years, but one child (young adult) is now in the danger zone, and the stress gets to be too much sometimes.

I had a close friend I could talk to, a woman, but she got married and her husband felt threatened by our friendship. I had another woman I used to talk with, but she moved away, and she doesn't use the Internet. My closest friends have always been women.

How do I find someone to talk to? I don't want to meet anyone, I'm not looking to cheat. I just need someone to talk to. Is there a website that caters to this sort of thing? Or is there some other way to deal with stress? I've chopped enough firewood to last 30 years!

There is unfortunately no easy way. I would suggest going to Church, if that is your thing. In my experience it certainly helps.

If you cannot go to Church, try meditation. If you don't have the time for meditation, try medication. Medication is the most expensive option, IMHO. If you do feel like talking to someone, a professional would help more than some random lady friend.


Random lady friends have a propensity to land up in your bed, in my experience. That complicates things after they fall in love and you want to move away. Then they spray paint your car. Well that's a story for another day...

 

[LadyJS]

try meditation.

I've been doing daily meditation for about six months now. For me it helps reduce stress, which I seem to be under a lot, and anger issues, of which I have lots. I can't meditate in complete silence; I put on a nature CD for some light background noise. Seashore sounds are my favorite.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

It doesn't really sound like you want to deal with stress as much as you want to escape stress. My guess is that your wife and children also want to escape it. It kind of sucks to be in the middle of a journey that isn't going well. I agree with the meditation advice. I find yoga to be a wonderful addition.
The problem with inviting another person into the drama is that, unless your wife is supportive of the idea, it can actually add to the stress.

 

[Zeb_Carter]

Beer seems to work for me, but then again I'm old, retired and only pretend to listen to the wife.

 

[SweetErika]

It doesn't really sound like you want to deal with stress as much as you want to escape stress. My guess is that your wife and children also want to escape it. It kind of sucks to be in the middle of a journey that isn't going well. I agree with the meditation advice. I find yoga to be a wonderful addition.
The problem with inviting another person into the drama is that, unless your wife is supportive of the idea, it can actually add to the stress.

You'd do very well to heed GiggLeGasm's advice, Mighty Oak. I was about to tell you the same things, yoga and all. People are mentioning yoga and meditation (or quiet spiritual reflection, prayer, whatever your thing is) because they really are incredible tools for dealing with physical, mental and emotional stress.

For me, yoga is a scheduled time to take care of myself in a multitude of ways. We absolutely need to do that as primary caregivers, especially when there are particularly stressful or challenging circumstances. That has been a tough lesson for me to learn, but I've had to learn it for my own health and sanity. What are you doing to take care of yourself so you can care for your family?

It's very tempting to seek comfort and/or distraction outside of a stressful situation. Usually, though, that's a tactic we use to cope with the pain of reality while we procrastinate on taking scary steps toward growth.