Question for Doms/subs

[iwanttoserve]

Hi there, I'm 28 with submissive tendencies...I had a few real life and online encounters.

I have a question for you Doms and subs. I especially want to know the opinions of subs. Would you prefer to be owned by an experienced Dom or find someone inexperienced with dominant tendencies and learn together? What has been your experience and what are the advantages and disadvantages of each...

 

[kevingm]

Experienced Dom

Hey Kid go for an experienced Dom, they can take you through the paces and get you in good. they also know how to train a good sub, and tend to have a no nonsense attitude

 

[Arafive]

Too many inexperienced doms have unrealistic/abusive/dangerous ideas of how to be a dom. Experienced is better imo.

 

[Tappy_McWidestance]

There is no substitute for experience, but pick a mature Dom who communicates openly with you about your needs, desires and your mutual expectations.

 

[MiaDani80]

Experience

I think its really important to be with someone who has experience. He or she doesn't have to be old by any means, but they must have some understanding of how a d/s relationship truly works. By that I mean, a dom who can listen and be in touch with his or her sub's feelings and emotions and know when to push and when not to.

Sounds corny but d/s relationships are about trust more than anything else.

 

[Plucky69]

I too would like to find a DOM who us experiences but I don't know where to turn to find one.

 

[CalmInControl]

What has been your experience and what are the advantages and disadvantages of each...

It probably depends a little on your kinks as to how safe it is to have an inexperienced dominant.

Overall I would say that a submissive is probably safer with an experienced dominant as they should know how to take better care of the submissive. Obviously this is physically apparent for certain kinks (asphyxia, bondage, knives) but extends to the mental aspect as well. An experienced dominant is likely to have an easier time in general because they've dealt with more similar situations.

So while it's nice to learn alongside someone there are probably safety concerns when dealing with inexperienced dominants. It's probably going to be more 'fun' with an experienced dominant too as they'll have a better grasp of how to deal with things and how to do things - just because they've done them before.

Several people have highlighted the potential for inexperienced dominants to be abusive/unrealistic but I think this works both ways. An inexperienced dominant may be abusive/unrealistic but an experienced dominant could similarly have these traits - and worse still an inexperienced submissive following an experienced dom may find themselves pushed into situations they would normally walk away from because the experienced dominant keeps telling them this is normal.

As mentioned by another poster. I'd say the most important thing is to find someone that you can trust and wants the same things that you do?

 

[MeekMe]

Hi there, I'm 28 with submissive tendencies...I had a few real life and online encounters.

I have a question for you Doms and subs. I especially want to know the opinions of subs. Would you prefer to be owned by an experienced Dom or find someone inexperienced with dominant tendencies and learn together? What has been your experience and what are the advantages and disadvantages of each...

I suggest you find someone you like to be around and go from there. Experience? Meh, things can be learned. Nobody starts out as an expert.

My experience has been pretty awesome. I've been with my husband a long time and when I realized my kinks and let him in on them, we learned together. I'm still in one piece, unabused, and very happy.

To try to avoid being in unsafe or abusive situations, get educated. Don't be a doormat and realize that even under the submissive label you still have to lookout for yourself. Experienced, inexperienced, it doesn't matter. Look for a compatible partner that you like, can trust, and want to submit to.

If you're worried about someone being inexperienced with certain technical skills, you can probably find a great deal of beginner info online and attend classes at your local clubs (or not-so-local. You might have to travel?)

Beware of men in your inbox claiming to want to mentor or train you. That usually means they want NSA, easy cybersex and pics/vids.

 

[CutieMouse]

IMO, it kinda depends on what sort of submission one is talking about...

I mean, the first reaction of people tends to be "ZOMG go with someone super experienced because DANGER! DANGER WILL ROBINSON!" except that I've never felt myself at risk when making a lover a cup of coffee, or organizing his schedule, or giving him what he wants [needs] in bed.

Then again, I did what I could to figure my own shit out (and own it), prior to getting heavily invested in D/s. I dabbled a bit, I explored some, but all that did was confirm *for me* that what a lot of people see as D/s (bondage, knives, waxplay, whipping, etc) I see as kinky fuckery. And while kinky fuckery can feel pretty damn yummy... I'm not nearly as interested in kinky fuckery as I am D/s.

Which, in my case at least, means I didn't need someone "experienced" or vetting through any sort of "community". I didn't need to worry about him knowing how to use XYZ whatever in the proper manner (because neither of us give a damn about toys beyond our brains, and his hands/belt). He's in charge; I defer to him (when he wants me to). But he also brings me coffee in bed. And takes turns doing the dishes. And asks my opinion of things. And charms my cat (I think she likes him more than me at this point). And smacks my ass with a belt when he feels like it, because we both know we both enjoy him doing so.

For me, finding someone who "fit" was more important than finding someone "experienced". But, again, there's not a lot of "DANGER! DANGER WILL ROBINSON!" sorts of stuff in my D/s relationships.

 

[ViktorVonK]

Hi there, I'm 28 with submissive tendencies...I had a few real life and online encounters.

I have a question for you Doms and subs. I especially want to know the opinions of subs. Would you prefer to be owned by an experienced Dom or find someone inexperienced with dominant tendencies and learn together? What has been your experience and what are the advantages and disadvantages of each...

If I would be you I would try both... I think you will have fun with both variants... Try both and tell us how has gone

 

[Malich]

To echo some of the above, personally i think you would get more from an inexperienced dom who you have a connection with than from an experienced one you do not. Personally my check list would be, in this order

• Someone who listens to you and acts on what you tell them
• Someone you have a good personal connection with
• Someone with lots of experience
• Someone with lots of equipment

Watch out for red flags, watch out for a dom who is not willing to consider your needs as well as their own and watch out for someone who acts like you're not important to them.

 

[subwannabe]

Very good responses so far. I have a couple of thoughts:

1. Whichever way you go it is important to find a dom that is concerned about your needs instead of just being a self centered asshole and possible abuser. Being a sub doesn't mean it is your job to be a victim.

2. Some prefer experience right off the bat but sometimes the experienced are set in their ways and unable to grow and learn. There's nothing wrong with a dom learning as they go from scratch but of course you always run the risk of it not ever panning out quite like you had hoped. For example, you might have a strong desire to be spanked or whipped hard or crave very rough sex but find out too late that your dom is afraid of hurting you and can't mentally get himself to that last step.

My best advice though is don't give up on the thought that you can find a lifelong loving partner as in a marriage type relationship. You can have your cake and eat it to if you set your goal that high. It doesn't have to be a choice between kink and real love. A great bdsm relationship involves trust. Higher levels of trust lead to higher levels of overall satisfaction, even in bdsm. It is easier to achieve those higher levels of trust with a loving long term relationship like marriage. Don't settle for just a dom if you want more than that.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Aim for the person you'd want to be paired with for a group project in middle school: smart, imaginative, someone who pulls his or her weight, and is easy to work with.

I couldn't be more serious with this metaphor.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

*Perfectionistic asshole creative-types can also create lots of great art, and beautifully constructed dioramas of volcanos, and artfully created D/s scenarios that are really hot.

The problem is, this can be seriously alienating longterm.

 

[Mindfondler]

There's a lot of great advice above, which I won't attempt to quote individually or add to.

I'd just like to mention that my wife and I have recently started learning about kink together. We're both inexperienced, but that hasn't been an issue for us as we have been able to draw on the experience of others. Indeed, it's fun for us to learn together!

There is some bad advice out there (most notably from self-proclaimed "Master Doms") but we've found all the kinksters whom we've met in real life to be genuine and generous in their assistance, as well as most welcoming.

I'd suggest that an essential starting point is to understand and embrace the principles of SSC / RACK.

Hope that's some help!
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