Am I wrong for not wanting to ??

[SassyKatz71]

I started talking to someone in FL last week. Which I've had for events and munches.

We chatted about the kinks and everything and what we both were looking for. He says he's a Dom. Much younger than I also. But wants me to teach him to be a better Dom. So I discuss what I've learned and what I know. He wants hands on experience,from me. I've never heard of a Sub training a Dom? Shouldn't he be learning from other Doms?

And wants me to be his Sub.

I suggested we meet in a public place to see how it went and to talk more. Now,here's where I had red flags Pop up.
He wants to "try me out" FIRST, Before deciding if he wants to be my Dom or not. He wants to know what I feel like and to see if he likes it,or not.

My first thought to this was, He can't be serious?!?! Who the hell does that when meeting someone? So, I told him that's not how you go about things. He says that's how he works. I think he's just playing to get sex.

Was I wrong in thinking this isn't right?? I've never spoken to a Dom that has even mentioned something like that the first few conversations. Or even later on. None I've spoken to in the past, as I've learned and grew as a person and a woman, have EVER pushed something like that. So, I've given it a lot of thought and still come to the same conclusion..
I would be nuts to even want to attempt this. This guy is like 6'1 and 220+ . I don't fear him but don't know him enough to even feel safe. He says he wouldn't hurt me. But how can I trust that ? I've seen his pics(normal ones) and he is a solid guy. I could be spontaneous and go for it. And most likely just get used. Or worse.

But I'm not into jumping into bed with someone I don't know at all. He's just pushing too much. I backed off completely. Was I wrong??

 

[midwestyankee]

You were not wrong. Not in the slightest. No matter the specifics of how we relate to our parthers (in D/s or sado/maso form, or whatever kink rocks your world), they are partners first and kinksters second. If you can't see yourself relating to this guy now, the chances of things improving are infinitesimally small that you would see him much differently in the future. Even if he now backs off his "test-drive" mentality and comes back with a different plan.

Your instinct about him - and about future potential partners - is almost certainly on target.

 

[SassyKatz71]

Sorry it's so long. I tried to put it as correctly as I could.
My gut screamed at that sentence when I read the message.
I have spoken to many Doms and I've learned a lot from their perspective on the Lifestyle and how you start. I thought this extremely bold and not genuine at all.

Thank you for your opinion MWY

 

[SpunThings]

You're never wrong for choosing not to pursue something with someone. That is your choice, and you don't even have to have good reasons for it. Just like someone else who was like "OK great!" isn't wrong, for them.

 

[CutieMouse]

I don't see anything wrong with a D-type "learning" from an s-type, although I would couch it more as "exploring" than formal "learning". Besides which, the whole "teach me how to be dominant" kinda smacks of the whole "training" [coughbullshitcough] thing, which could easily feel counter-intuitive.

As for the "try you out as a submissive, first" shtick... ain't he sweet. That's like telling a woman he needs to fuck her first, to decide if she's good girlfriend material. Classic line of your average, uneducated, sexually inexperienced* Horny Net Geek.

*He may have women fall for that claptrap and end up in his bed, but that doesn't mean he's sexually experienced, if you know what I mean. I have this vision of unsatisfying quickies, followed by "Meh... I'm afraid you aren't good submissive enough...."

 

[Ishmael]

I started talking to someone in FL last week. Which I've had for events and munches.

We chatted about the kinks and everything and what we both were looking for. He says he's a Dom. Much younger than I also. But wants me to teach him to be a better Dom. So I discuss what I've learned and what I know. He wants hands on experience,from me. I've never heard of a Sub training a Dom? Shouldn't he be learning from other Doms?

And wants me to be his Sub.

I suggested we meet in a public place to see how it went and to talk more. Now,here's where I had red flags Pop up.
He wants to "try me out" FIRST, Before deciding if he wants to be my Dom or not. He wants to know what I feel like and to see if he likes it,or not.

My first thought to this was, He can't be serious?!?! Who the hell does that when meeting someone? So, I told him that's not how you go about things. He says that's how he works. I think he's just playing to get sex.

Was I wrong in thinking this isn't right?? I've never spoken to a Dom that has even mentioned something like that the first few conversations. Or even later on. None I've spoken to in the past, as I've learned and grew as a person and a woman, have EVER pushed something like that. So, I've given it a lot of thought and still come to the same conclusion..
I would be nuts to even want to attempt this. This guy is like 6'1 and 220+ . I don't fear him but don't know him enough to even feel safe. He says he wouldn't hurt me. But how can I trust that ? I've seen his pics(normal ones) and he is a solid guy. I could be spontaneous and go for it. And most likely just get used. Or worse.

But I'm not into jumping into bed with someone I don't know at all. He's just pushing too much. I backed off completely. Was I wrong??

In a word, "No." I just can't see where this is going to test your limits. You'd just be topping from the bottom.

Ishmael

 

[SpunThings]

It doesn't have to be topping from the bottom. My husband learned from me, and I had no experience either. Yet somehow I still managed not to tell him what to do.

 

[Penuche]

<snip>But I'm not into jumping into bed with someone I don't know at all. He's just pushing too much. I backed off completely. Was I wrong??

No. I'm glad you listened to your gut.

 

[TomPal]

You did right for sure!

 

[SassyKatz71]

I think I did too. When I seen the "So,can I come try you out?" I was done. Too many red flags.

 

[Penuche]

I think I did too. When I seen the "So,can I come try you out?" I was done. Too many red flags.

YMMV but whenever I've ignored my gut feeling, I've regretted it.

There are plenty of men out there, who could be a lot more right for you than that one.

 

[SassyKatz71]

YMMV but whenever I've ignored my gut feeling, I've regretted it.

There are plenty of men out there, who could be a lot more right for you than that one.

Fortunately,my gut instincts are usally right on. When I feel something isn't right with someone, or doesn't add up, I'm usually not wrong. Sometimes I wish I was.

 

[Tasha7]

I started talking to someone in FL last week. Which I've had for events and munches.

We chatted about the kinks and everything and what we both were looking for. He says he's a Dom. Much younger than I also. But wants me to teach him to be a better Dom. So I discuss what I've learned and what I know. He wants hands on experience,from me. I've never heard of a Sub training a Dom? Shouldn't he be learning from other Doms?

And wants me to be his Sub.

I suggested we meet in a public place to see how it went and to talk more. Now,here's where I had red flags Pop up.
He wants to "try me out" FIRST, Before deciding if he wants to be my Dom or not. He wants to know what I feel like and to see if he likes it,or not.

My first thought to this was, He can't be serious?!?! Who the hell does that when meeting someone? So, I told him that's not how you go about things. He says that's how he works. I think he's just playing to get sex.

Was I wrong in thinking this isn't right?? I've never spoken to a Dom that has even mentioned something like that the first few conversations. Or even later on. None I've spoken to in the past, as I've learned and grew as a person and a woman, have EVER pushed something like that. So, I've given it a lot of thought and still come to the same conclusion..
I would be nuts to even want to attempt this. This guy is like 6'1 and 220+ . I don't fear him but don't know him enough to even feel safe. He says he wouldn't hurt me. But how can I trust that ? I've seen his pics(normal ones) and he is a solid guy. I could be spontaneous and go for it. And most likely just get used. Or worse.

But I'm not into jumping into bed with someone I don't know at all. He's just pushing too much. I backed off completely. Was I wrong??

I don't think you were wrong. If you don't feel comfortable you shouldn't do it. Good move

 

[thelaughingcat]

I actually sprayed the gulp of water I was in the process of swallowing at my computer screen when I read this. Then had to pretend to have a choking fit so my boss wouldn't realise it was because of a Lit post

The learning from the older sub thing is fine - like any young lad sleeping with an older woman to pick up the tricks of the trade. Always stood most of my male mates growing up in good stead.

The 'test driving'???

*wipes tears away* What, is he sixteen or something? (Apologies to any sixteen year old reading this, I believe I just did you a huge disservice!)

Yeah, tell him you need to test drive his credit card before he gets to test drive you...

*shakes head and wanders off mumbling to herself...'test drive'...'boys today'...*

 

[SassyKatz71]

I actually sprayed the gulp of water I was in the process of swallowing at my computer screen when I read this. Then had to pretend to have a choking fit so my boss wouldn't realise it was because of a Lit post

The learning from the older sub thing is fine - like any young lad sleeping with an older woman to pick up the tricks of the trade. Always stood most of my make mates growing up in good stead.

The 'test driving'???

*wipes tears away* What, is he sixteen or something? (Apologies to any sixteen year old reading this, I believe I just did you a huge disservice!)

Yeah, tell him you need to test drive his credit card before he gets to test drive you...

*shakes head and wanders off mumbling to herself...'test drive'...'boys today'...*

Lmao, Glad I have you a giggle while your working..God NO.Not that young, over 21 . I almost fell out of my chair when I read it myself.

 

[Ahlam]

He asked to try you out like you're a bicycle or something? You're definitely wise to avoid that numbnuts nincompoop. Maybe he can take a lesson from that.

 

[georgerb]

Smart lady to take a pass...

 

[Tech_Director]

Test Drive huh?

Shaking My head.

The more I read this, the more crazy things keep popping up in My mind.

Like:

Maybe you should ask him what's he's currently 'driving' right now and what kind of trade-in value is he expecting?

You might want to mention to him that you don't offer a free Ipad with every test drive.

Oh, and also mention that you've been taken out of the test-drive category and are being prepped as the new ride for the Sales Manager.

Now on a serious note, training a Dominant as a submissive, yeah, it's possible but generally not something that happens from a conversation. I discovered that I was a Dominant from being with a submissive the first time and non, she did not top from the bottom. She simply suggested things she would like Me to do with her or to her and I discovered that as I did them I enjoyed doing them. So, in a way, she "trained" Me but it happened spontaneously between both of us.

I think you were smart to stay away from this one.

 

[Que]

I suspect this is one of those cases where he has just enough knowledge of terminology and concepts to fumble his way as far as he did.

There are people who may lean dominant or not, but watch a little BDSM porn and decide they would like some chick to obey their almighty commands and give them some of that sexy, kinky stuff.

They figure troll for some submissive women and see if they are somehow easier to bed. What with being sexually submissive. As if seduction can be entirely skipped.

 

[MrHappy212]

I started talking to someone in FL last week. Which I've had for events and munches.

We chatted about the kinks and everything and what we both were looking for. He says he's a Dom. Much younger than I also. But wants me to teach him to be a better Dom. So I discuss what I've learned and what I know. He wants hands on experience,from me. I've never heard of a Sub training a Dom? Shouldn't he be learning from other Doms?

And wants me to be his Sub.

I suggested we meet in a public place to see how it went and to talk more. Now,here's where I had red flags Pop up.
He wants to "try me out" FIRST, Before deciding if he wants to be my Dom or not. He wants to know what I feel like and to see if he likes it,or not.

My first thought to this was, He can't be serious?!?! Who the hell does that when meeting someone? So, I told him that's not how you go about things. He says that's how he works. I think he's just playing to get sex.

Was I wrong in thinking this isn't right?? I've never spoken to a Dom that has even mentioned something like that the first few conversations. Or even later on. None I've spoken to in the past, as I've learned and grew as a person and a woman, have EVER pushed something like that. So, I've given it a lot of thought and still come to the same conclusion..
I would be nuts to even want to attempt this. This guy is like 6'1 and 220+ . I don't fear him but don't know him enough to even feel safe. He says he wouldn't hurt me. But how can I trust that ? I've seen his pics(normal ones) and he is a solid guy. I could be spontaneous and go for it. And most likely just get used. Or worse.

But I'm not into jumping into bed with someone I don't know at all. He's just pushing too much. I backed off completely. Was I wrong??

Think of it like dating any other guy and follow your instincts. This guy sounds like a total douche and not worth your time or the effort it would take to even explain to him the basic concepts he seems to be lacking.

 

[subwannabe]

Hate to criticize but this should have never even made it to the level of "gut instinct". He is a con man, user, abuser, self centered dickhead rapist who is totally full of shit. Only stupid people would fall for this line and anyone with any brains at all would soon regret falling for it.

 

[SassyKatz71]

Think of it like dating any other guy and follow your instincts. This guy sounds like a total douche and not worth your time or the effort it would take to even explain to him the basic concepts he seems to be lacking.

That's true. And I did explain my knowledge of Doms from their perspectives on what the standard procedures are for getting to know and meet someone.and Standard conduct and how a D should conduct himself.I really did try to help him.

I appreciate the opinions from everyone. I wanted to see and know the opinions and thoughts from friends and other people on Lit that I've spoken with,even if just on the boards, that my thoughts on this were right. And if others would have the same conclusion I did.

 

[Currahee_Gent]

That’s pretty brash.

I do insist on a 5 year/50,000 paddlings warranty though.

 

[CutieMouse]

That's true. And I did explain my knowledge of Doms from their perspectives on what the standard procedures are for getting to know and meet someone.and Standard conduct and how a D should conduct himself.I really did try to help him.

I appreciate the opinions from everyone. I wanted to see and know the opinions and thoughts from friends and other people on Lit that I've spoken with,even if just on the boards, that my thoughts on this were right. And if others would have the same conclusion I did.

Here's the thing, though...

There is no Standard Conduct (in initial approach or personal interaction) for someone who identifies as PYL*.

Are there general social mores that (in theory) reasonable adults should understand [in order to not be labeled a douche nozzle]?

Of course.

But those social mores have zero, zilch, nada to do with someone labeling themselves as a PYL and how they interact with others, as a PYL. It's called being an adult.

And for myself, I have to say thank the lingerie fairies there isn't a "standard of behavior" for PYLs, because if there were it would make dating for someone like me, even more frustrating than it already was. (Because like 90% of the typical PYL types out there, annoy me. lol)


* Pick Your Label - Dominant, Master, Top, Etc.
pyl - submissive, slave, bottom, etc.

 

[Nezhul]

He's not a good dom and you wasn't wrong in my opinion. From your post it seems to me that he treats sub as a kind of thing that will belong to him. I mean, yes, it's a hot description in a sense, but that's not how people work. It seems to me that all he really wants is sex.

And about that thing as "you teaching him" - I couldn't imagine a worse way to put it. Learning things together - now that's what people naturally do. You can't teach someone to be a dom. You can try things and figure out what works best. You generally just think of what you would like to do, then go on the net and read up how to do it right. If it's a serious step, you discuss it with your sub first. If it's something that can be seamlessly incorporated in whatever you are already doing - you may just as well go for it and surprise her a bit. It's really not about teaching, although it is about learning.

Also: what kind of a relationship you are in? Do you date? Jumping straight into kink is never a good decision. It will never feel right too. You should at least know your partner sexually and personally somehow before doing any DS. Because otherwise it's like navigating a dark unknown room for both of you - where you can bump into all kind of things that will throw you off.