Please help. Serious questions here. Long post.

[FeelingAlone]

I have been married to my beautiful bride for 4 years now and we have been together for 9 years. Everything in our relationship is great..we never fight,never argue, have never seperated for any reason and I have never cheated and Im 99.99% positive she never has either.
The problems are difficult to understand from my perspective, and I have tried to see it through her eyes.
Heres the lowdown.
Sex. Just, Isnt what it was before and I know thats a pretty common thing. We have 3 young kids so I know thats part of the issue.
What do I mean? So much..
First. When we have sex she doesnt seem to be paying attention to me. Shes always worried about if the kids are sleeping or if they are going to wake up and so on. More than once,mid sex,she has climbed off me to go tend to a crying child. That leaves me there wondering "now what do I do" because there have been too many times she simply doesnt return.. she just puts on her clothes and sleeps with the kids.
She never seems to be fully attentive to sex.. She just always seems more distant then than any other time.
She doesnt want sex to last long. Granted this is no problem for me because I have never been one to last very long. I am always just.. so turned on by her. I am constantly horny when I am around her. She is afterall still the woman I love and that has never changed for me. I think my main problem is that when I want sex,she doesnt so I now have resorted to leaving it up to her. I dont ask her for sex. I dont try to get any at all. I wait for her to be ready and at that point sometimes I am just SO excited and ready..and then its over before I know it. I HATE it. But in those times when I want hours of her and me time..she doesnt want anything but fast sex.
I felt like it was all me. So I went and spend hundreds of dollars on toys, vibrators etc. to try to make it more enjoyable to her.. and she has loved most of them. But I recently purchased an A&E hollow strap on and she was upset because that just means that its going to last longer..which she doesnt want. It bothers me. Should it?
When we do have sex,if I dont start with using toys and oral on her, its like I dont turn her on at all. You know, when a woman is SUPER horny and you can slide your cock in without any issue? Its not like that.. She has to rub it around to lube herself up, slowly start taking my cock slowly because its dry and wont just slide in. It scares me to think that I no longer turn her on..but thats how I feel!
Im very sorry for the long post everyone. I am on this forum under another name also but to save myself from more embarrassment than I already feel, I made this account to ask these questions.
I will admit that I have changed since we first met. I was 17 and she was 21..Now she is 30 and I am 27. And I thought 30 was going to be that magic number,but it hasnt been that way yet.
I work 2 to 3 jobs at a time, I hunt and I fish when I can..our kids are young but one is now in school and she still always uses the "im too tired" excuse which Im SURE is partly true.
I try to help around home, I am active in our kids lives as well as my wifes.
I just dont know what to do anymore. Scared that my bride..that I still love like I did years ago when we first met, doesnt feel the same about me anymore. As I write this I am in tears, honestly.
Please help..anyone that can please. I have talked to her about all this before and she just says it will get better,but it hasnt. To top it off,her favorite thing to say is "go masturbate if you are horny." That doesnt make me feel better either. I dont want sex to feel like a job to her.
what do I do

 

[lowphat]

First, you need to understand something about women, when they become mothers. You're still her man, but instead of you coming first, her offspring do, and that's just the way it is, and should be.

All I can tell you is to remind her of your needs. You need to make it clear you need the romantic time you once had, even if you need to plan a night every month, or week, or whatever you can arrange, where she doesn't have to listen, or worry, about the kids.

It's a struggle, believe me, but with effort and creativity, you can get past it. Good luck, I know how tough it is, from experience

 

[FeelingAlone]

Ive also done that. Taken her out and gotten a hotel room and she STILL wants to wonder how the kids are. If we were worried about their safety we wouldnt bring them to the people we choose to leave them with. So even when we get away..its still more about the kids. Thank you for your advice5

 

[lowphat]

So get pissed off and tell her how you feel. Maybe you already have, but I'm gonna tell you something. When the sex/love connection ends, or even gets rocky, bad shit can happen. Don't take it lightly, because the seven year itch is real. Don't risk your marriage over this.

 

[FeelingAlone]

I HAVE thats the problem! Like I said..she says it will change. It just DOESNT.

 

[albrooks]

You are assuming it's a problem she has with you when in fact it may be a problem she is having with herself. Perhaps her body isn't quite what it was before having kids and maybe she doesn't feel sexy. Also, she could be depressed. Depression robs the pleasure out of everything. Have you tried talking to her? Not about sex, but how she is doing in general?

 

[numeniusa]

Two thoughts:

One is that it might help to have the thoughts of a woman who has been through this and managed to keep her sex life intact (and that's not me, I never had children, entirely by choice...)

The second is have you considered some sort of counselling? I'm not a massive fan of therapy for therapy's sake, but a good counsellor might help both of you to express your views and find a constructive path forward in a neutral environment where you both are protected and supported.

And I wish you luck...

 

[FeelingAlone]

ive talked to her about it all. No she doesnt like her body now..But I still love it and I have told her that. She wants a boob job but we cant afford that,and I dont want to anyways. I cant imagine she would feel like I dont love the way she looks..I tell her every day.
No we havent tried counseling. Im a firm believer in what you cant fix yourselves, cant or shouldnt be fixed. I dont know if thats the wrong way to feel but we have talked and talked and when it seems like all went well..nothing has actually happened you know?

 

[albrooks]

ive talked to her about it all. No she doesnt like her body now..But I still love it and I have told her that. She wants a boob job but we cant afford that,and I dont want to anyways. I cant imagine she would feel like I dont love the way she looks..I tell her every day.
No we havent tried counseling. Im a firm believer in what you cant fix yourselves, cant or shouldnt be fixed. I dont know if thats the wrong way to feel but we have talked and talked and when it seems like all went well..nothing has actually happened you know?

OK so there is your problem. Women need to feel sexy and she doesn't. It doesn't matter if you think she is sexy, she needs to feel it. You said she wants implants but you don't want her to get them? I suggest you make a penny jar and start saving. You can't expect her to care about you wanting sex and not getting it if you don't care about her wanting implants and not getting them. Trust me, if the boobs will make her happy it will be worth.

 

[FeelingAlone]

I would get them today if we could afford it. THATS the problem. Do I think she needs them? Not at all. But i would if thats what would make things change

 

[albrooks]

I would get them today if we could afford it. THATS the problem. Do I think she needs them? Not at all. But i would if thats what would make things change

OK here is my suggestion: go to your wife and tell her that while you think she looks great, you understand her need to feel attractive. Apologize for not supporting her before and commit to helping her get the implants. Sit down with her and look at you monthly expenses and see where you can cut corners and save money to devote to her getting the implants. Make an appointment for a consultation and go with her. Let your actions prove that you want this to work.

 

[FeelingAlone]

Thank you

 

[albrooks]

Thank you

I wish you the best. Let us know how it goes.

 

[FeelingAlone]

Oh Ill be around.

 

[Bitesback]

OK here is my suggestion: go to your wife and tell her that while you think she looks great, you understand her need to feel attractive. Apologize for not supporting her before and commit to helping her get the implants. Sit down with her and look at you monthly expenses and see where you can cut corners and save money to devote to her getting the implants. Make an appointment for a consultation and go with her. Let your actions prove that you want this to work.

I agree that it's very likely she needs to feel sexy again, but I'd still be going down the path of reinforcing how sexy she is as she is now before making a savings plan for implants. Three young kids and she's not liking the changes to her boobs? I'd be willing to bet that she needs new bras, ones that make her feel sexy and fit her properly. Breasts change with pregnancy, breastfeeding, weight gain, weight loss and other stages of life. Many women do not get fitted for new bras often enough.

If the night away was too much for her, I'd try something like a booking for a facial and massage, leave the kids with people you trust and do some personal shopping and have an early dinner.

Bundle up her old bras and tell her you're going shopping to replace all the old ones. Get some matching knickers, too. Maybe a new dress that shows off her bust...Go to dinner, check the kids are asleep before you head home, and try a good early night together, away from the routine but still home. Play a little music in the bedroom, loud enough that your added sounds won't wake the kids but soft enough that if they really cry, they can be heard...

If the night still isn't what you might hope, she's still got new bras that are a bit special to wear everyday and may help give her more body confidence. By all means, look into implants if she has her heart set on them, but look into the risks, too.
Do keep showing your love and desire for her, be affectionate, caress her for no reason, with no expectations, keep the intimacy alive...and best of luck.

 

[John_Q_Public]

Brother, this was my situation exactly. Yes, I say was. I don't have all of the answers, but I can tell you, the information you're getting here is a bit skewed. It is very much a mental thing, and you shouldn't feel guilty for wanting to be with your wife, sexually. It's not because you're insensitive to her needs, trust me.
My wife and I were on a downward spiral, and it nearly hit rock bottom about 2 months ago. I'm still not sure we're okay, but I think there's something real and deep now. I don't want to pry, but how sexual was she before the kids? You said you usually go quick. Back then, was she okay that she didn't cum? I mean, was she excited but were there limitations? Any places you aren't allowed to touch?

Look, I'm not going to air my personal life here, and I'm not going to discuss my wife out of respect for her, but you can PM me if you like. I can't say we have the same issues, but I think I can help you here. Who knows, maybe we can help each other.

Anyway, it's totally your call.

 

[FeelingAlone]

She just got new bras not long ago.. and a busty dress she wont wear. Shes one of those girls that doesnt like to dress in a way that you can see skin.. she wont even wear shorts. Never has.
Before,yes she was always fine if she didnt get hers. But I on the other hand, was not and I still am not happy with that. If you dont have an orgasm during sex HOW can it be pleasureful at all? I just dont know. Sex life used to be amazing. Even after marriage and 1 kid, it was damn near rape sometimes and I LOVED IT! But, the only way to get that kind of sex anymore is to wait..sometimes a week or 2.. before she wants it.

 

[Trekka]

I admire your honesty and openness.

Are substances or medications coming into play? On either side? If so then any "normal" advice is useless until that's addressed.

Also, when you say you must wait a week or two, keep in mind that the average couple has sex once a week. And you guys have three kids to manage. How old is the youngest? Hormones wreak havoc on a woman's sex drive (and lubrication levels!) after pregnancy and/or nursing, and everyone's body (i.e. hormone normalization timeframe) is different. A week or two is a long time to wait for some, and completely normal for others.

A certified sex therapist is an interesting option. Much to learn there.

Be patient, keep the faith. Speak to her lovingly. Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean.

Having been through all these things myself (except in the reverse, I wanted sex and he was very detached) I definitely feel for you. It's a lonely place. But you're not alone.

And feel free to PM me anytime-- have been through the gamut of sexual dysfunction in a relationship, body image issues, kids... you name it.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Oh, brother.

I've been in your wife's shoes. Sexlessness is a horrible, horrible affliction. It is defeating and depressing and a very hard thing to get out of.

Let me tell you my story.

I married my husband three months after meeting him. The romance was overwhelming and to begin, our sex life was amazing, frequent and in synch. Slowly, over the course of a year, I started to lose interest in sex and had to force myself to participate. I loved my husband and I wanted to please him, I just found myself physically incapable of doing so. Sex became an obligation and I would hold out just long enough to get him off, and then be done. I didn't think about sex, I didn't initiate it, I just gave in if the wind was blowing the right way, and with little investment in the moment.

Hubby was amazingly patient. He, understandably, got frustrated and tried to solve the "problem". Toys didn't help. Lingerie didn't help. I didn't not feel sexy, but I also didn't feel sexy. I didn't see myself as a sexual being.

Eventually, I decided to go off the pill. I'd been having some pretty nasty side effects and I just wanted to give my body a break. After a couple of months, my sex drive started to come back. Lit helped. I'd never spent time investing in getting to know myself and my proclivities. I had been so focused on my career and education, that I had totally neglected to explore other personal preferences. I was 26, and going through the same kind of sexual exploration and development that teenagers go through.

Society, peer pressure and religion can really fuck up a woman's sexual identity. Your wife spent the the first 15-20 years of her life being continually conditioned to not be a slut. That takes a hell of a lot of programming to undo. You guys also have kids that warrant her attention. Remember, its way easier (and socially acceptable) for a woman to be a good mother than to be a good lay. Your priorities in your marriage are currently different. It's quite common, and easily resolved through a lot of talking. If you don't know how to delicately approach the subject, a marriage counsellor is a great idea. Just remember, this all comes from a place of love.

I have no doubt your wife is a phenomenal mother. She probably doubts that, so start there. Affirm her, love her and talk to her. Being a woman is hard. Erections are way easier. In the meantime, LUBE!!

Good luck, my friend. As a woman who has come out the other end, I know its possible. It's jot easy, but it is so worth it. My inbox is always open.

Aussie x.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

I don't mean to disregard the advice shared by some here - but it's pretty rare that a woman says she's too tired or that sex takes too long just because she wants a boob job. Many of the answers provided are looking at ways to increase the likelihood that you'll become physically intimate again. If you suddenly began having sex tonight, but did not fix any of the other problems, would you be satisfied with your relationship? Is it really just about the sex?

From a woman's perspective, when there are small children involved, mom is physically and emotionally tapped out. You've gone from being the one person who could touch her and make her feel good.. to being yet one more person who needs some kind of touch.. some other need fulfilled..
the minute you indicate to her that you're not satisfied with your sex life, you become another thing on the "to do" list. Good.. bad.. right.. wrong.. that's just what happens.
That's not really the role you signed up for. It's hard when all the kids are little at the same time. Your wife is partially correct: One of the biggest complaints is that the marriage is put on the back burner. It's normal.. all of her friends know it.. anyone with small children can find some truth to it.. it's in magazines and research articles.. it's probably hit the newspaper a time or two.
While it's a common complaint, that doesn't mean it will resolve without some attention, especially if the marriage is disrupted "for the sake of the children."

You're facing some challenges. Realistically though.. you're already living these challenges. She feels hard wired to be a mom first and a wife second. You seem to be a husband first and a dad second. It could be a difference of parenting styles.. it could be something else.
You have a few options. You can talk to counselors. You can talk to ministers. Depending on the age of your youngest child (under 18 months) it may still be reasonable for you to discuss this with the medical provider who cares for her reproductive health. If baby is older, consider a doctor who might be able to rule out other hormonal changes.

Regardless the route you take, I would not recommend that you lead in with the sexual difficulties that are happening. You've discussed that already. You know where she stands and vice versa.
Instead, I would suggest that you discuss changes in your life together that are causing you to find less joy in daily living and, from your perspective, you've noticed that she may be having troubles too. A third person can offer objective information (it will never be objective from you. you are a shareholder in the relationship) this person can also offer suggestions and evaluate interventions in a way that the two of you may have a hard time doing from the inside of the fire.
As you identify areas in your life that are shared as a marital couple first.. and as parents second.. you are likely to find a path back to a more physical way of showing your love for one another. And if you can find the joy in one another first, your sex life will be present as a sign of the journey you're walking together. Good luck.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

From a woman's perspective, when there are small children involved, mom is physically and emotionally tapped out. You've gone from being the one person who could touch her and make her feel good.. to being yet one more person who needs some kind of touch.. some other need fulfilled..
the minute you indicate to her that you're not satisfied with your sex life, you become another thing on the "to do" list.

This is so true. Well said, GiggLeGasm x

 

[37_ttej]

GiggLeGasm and AGG are on the money here.
I am in an almost identical situation to you and I empathise completely.
My wife and I are still working through this, so I can't tell you that this is either quick or easy.
But the end result will be worth it.
Remember to be open and honest with her.
Remind her much you love her - in the ways that are truly meaningful to her - and that you find her attractive.
Try to communicate your needs without blame (this can be hard when you're hurting).
Be patient.
Like the kind people above, I'm happy to PM if there's any way I can help.

All the best.

 

[ponydriver]

I hear a lot of how you are feeling, and those feelings are valid. But I have not read how you are romancing your wife other than to say you want her. That just does not cut it very often. Yes, it is wonderful to be wanted and desired. But if all I am to my husband is a vagina then I would probably tell him to go and jerk off.

You have needs and those are valid and I am not trying to say your needs don't need to be communicated or addressed but I never read anything that communicates how you are trying to fill her love tank. Women, or at least this one, are seduced long before the bedroom. I would suggest dating your wife again instead of hunting and fishing. You have obviously told her you are not feeling loved, ask her how you can love her as well. I am big on the five love languages. Find out if one of these is her primary way to feel love, appreciated, and desired. If these fail, I agree that there might be a deeper issue involved and going to counseling is your best bet. Just keep trying to communicate and never stop trying to win her love. I wish you the very best of luck.

The five love languages are:

Touch. Obviously this is strong on your list. And to be honest it is the highest for me. A hug for no reason, holding hands, arm around me on sofa. All of these communicate love to me.

Quality time. Putting someone first. Being truly in the moment with them. Not texting or playing on Lit.

Gifts. Does not have to be extravagant. Just something thoughtful.

Affirmation. Tell the person what it is you love about them. Why you chose them above anyone else. And if you had to do it all over again you would still choose them.

Acts of service. Find something that she normally does and do it for her. This is not: hey honey I picked up my socks and put them in dirty hamper, am I not the greatest husband in the world. It's doing all the laundry.

 

[jameslewis]

I hear a lot of how you are feeling, and those feelings are valid. But I have not read how you are romancing your wife other than to say you want her. That just does not cut it very often. Yes, it is wonderful to be wanted and desired. But if all I am to my husband is a vagina then I would probably tell him to go and jerk off.

You have needs and those are valid and I am not trying to say your needs don't need to be communicated or addressed but I never read anything that communicates how you are trying to fill her love tank. Women, or at least this one, are seduced long before the bedroom. I would suggest dating your wife again instead of hunting and fishing. You have obviously told her you are not feeling loved, ask her how you can love her as well. I am big on the five love languages. Find out if one of these is her primary way to feel love, appreciated, and desired. If these fail, I agree that there might be a deeper issue involved and going to counseling is your best bet. Just keep trying to communicate and never stop trying to win her love. I wish you the very best of luck.
The five love languages are:

Touch. Obviously this is strong on your list. And to be honest it is the highest for me. A hug for no reason, holding hands, arm around me on sofa. All of these communicate love to me.

Quality time. Putting someone first. Being truly in the moment with them. Not texting or playing on Lit.

Gifts. Does not have to be extravagant. Just something thoughtful.

Affirmation. Tell the person what it is you love about them. Why you chose them above anyone else. And if you had to do it all over again you would still choose them.

Acts of service. Find something that she normally does and do it for her. This is not: hey honey I picked up my socks and put them in dirty hamper, am I not the greatest husband in the world. It's doing all the laundry.

Wise words and a great reminder for any married guy. It still might not work, but you'll know you've really tried.