RoryN
You're screwed.
- Joined
- Apr 8, 2003
- Posts
- 60,549
"Esteemed Republicans, let's get started. As you know, we blew it in `08 and `12. But, frankly, we didn't blow it as spectacularly as we could have."
*Everyone nods in agreement*
"So, how can we make 2016 different? How can we really implode this time around?"
"Well, for starters: candidates. Let's make sure McCain is running. He's stuffy, old, and has no chance."
"Yes, but he's not really going to be a spectacular failure, is he? I mean it, people - I want our party on life support after all is said and done."
"True...oh! How about Donald Trump? Liberals are always painting us as racist bigots who pander to the wealthy - putting him at the top is like proving them right."
"And get him to say really stupid shit, like wanting to build a border wall. And insulting every minority in the country."
"That's more like it. Who else?"
"How about Sarah Palin?"
"She's old news. Keep trying."
"How about Meg Whitman?"
"Yes, she'd be a poor candidate, but she's also been successful. Not gonna work."
"Ooo! Ooo! Then how about that Carly lady who screwed up HP in a massively public way? People hate her!"
"PERFECT. Now you're getting it. Who else?"
"We should throw in a black candidate -"
"Careful..."
"...but who's totally out of touch with common America, and hardly knows anything about politics."
"Okay."
"And he should be super-nut-job religious and non-threatening. So at least a little viable, but easy as hell for Liberals to attack."
"That'll work."
"And make sure the most viable candidate - Bush - does himself in early."
"Excellent; sounds like we've got our failed candidacy plan down. Now, let's think of some other bad initiatives..."
"Let's go after Planned Parenthood. Something really polarizing."
"Nice. What else?"
"Remind Americans that we were against same-sex marriage, and tout crackpots who break the law by not issuing licenses to them."
"Yes, yes. This is great stuff."
"No more on-the-fence media responses. When a mass shooting happens, we don't mourn for the victims any longer; we go right into pro-gun mode. When a cop shoots someone who's black, we say the cop did the right thing, no matter what. Every Muslim is evil. And..."
"...and every transgendered person is a joke?"
"Yeah, there you go."
"This might seem a little far-fetched, but remember the Confederate flag?"
"Huh?"
"The Confederate flag. The version specifically used to connote white power in the late 40s, and used today by regressive Southern idiots, the KKK, and white supremacists to tout aggressive racism?"
"Yeah?"
"Let's start defending the shit out of that thing, for no good reason."
"Wonderful! That's the sort of thinking we need to have! Alright, we're getting our ducks in a row. Now, before we adjourn, we need to think about the Dems. Are there any scandals which could potentially do them in? If they get sunk, it's not going to bode well for our attempts to fail miserably, is it?"
"Nope. Hmm..."
"...wait: Benghazi."
"Ouch. That might be a tough one. Could really hurt Hillary."
"So, what do we do?"
"Concentrate on something little, rather than the big picture. Like, I dunno...her emails."
"Yeah - focus on emails. Make Americans sympathetic, since everyone's misused business email at some point in time."
"Get our worst-spoken Republicans to go after her during the hearing. The idiots. Make it seem as partisan as possible."
"Yes. I know a guy - Trey Gowdy - he'd be perfect. He's guaranteed to fuck everything up, and he'll take some of our guys with him."
"We should also get a couple of whistleblowers to say it was a partisan attack as well."
"No, wait - one whistleblower - and one cocky dumbass who lets it slip by bragging about it. "
"YES! Love it. Who will the cocky dumbass be?"
"Who else - our top candidate for Speaker of the House!"
"Awesome. But how far do we need to go on screwing this up?"
*silence*
"How about far enough so that the almighty neo-Con newsblogger Matt Drudge can't think of anything to say afterwards, except for something about Hillary's health?"
"And he headlines with it!"
"Excellent. Gentleman, I'm not sure what the point of this job is, but we'll get it done."
*Everyone nods in agreement*
"So, how can we make 2016 different? How can we really implode this time around?"
"Well, for starters: candidates. Let's make sure McCain is running. He's stuffy, old, and has no chance."
"Yes, but he's not really going to be a spectacular failure, is he? I mean it, people - I want our party on life support after all is said and done."
"True...oh! How about Donald Trump? Liberals are always painting us as racist bigots who pander to the wealthy - putting him at the top is like proving them right."
"And get him to say really stupid shit, like wanting to build a border wall. And insulting every minority in the country."
"That's more like it. Who else?"
"How about Sarah Palin?"
"She's old news. Keep trying."
"How about Meg Whitman?"
"Yes, she'd be a poor candidate, but she's also been successful. Not gonna work."
"Ooo! Ooo! Then how about that Carly lady who screwed up HP in a massively public way? People hate her!"
"PERFECT. Now you're getting it. Who else?"
"We should throw in a black candidate -"
"Careful..."
"...but who's totally out of touch with common America, and hardly knows anything about politics."
"Okay."
"And he should be super-nut-job religious and non-threatening. So at least a little viable, but easy as hell for Liberals to attack."
"That'll work."
"And make sure the most viable candidate - Bush - does himself in early."
"Excellent; sounds like we've got our failed candidacy plan down. Now, let's think of some other bad initiatives..."
"Let's go after Planned Parenthood. Something really polarizing."
"Nice. What else?"
"Remind Americans that we were against same-sex marriage, and tout crackpots who break the law by not issuing licenses to them."
"Yes, yes. This is great stuff."
"No more on-the-fence media responses. When a mass shooting happens, we don't mourn for the victims any longer; we go right into pro-gun mode. When a cop shoots someone who's black, we say the cop did the right thing, no matter what. Every Muslim is evil. And..."
"...and every transgendered person is a joke?"
"Yeah, there you go."
"This might seem a little far-fetched, but remember the Confederate flag?"
"Huh?"
"The Confederate flag. The version specifically used to connote white power in the late 40s, and used today by regressive Southern idiots, the KKK, and white supremacists to tout aggressive racism?"
"Yeah?"
"Let's start defending the shit out of that thing, for no good reason."
"Wonderful! That's the sort of thinking we need to have! Alright, we're getting our ducks in a row. Now, before we adjourn, we need to think about the Dems. Are there any scandals which could potentially do them in? If they get sunk, it's not going to bode well for our attempts to fail miserably, is it?"
"Nope. Hmm..."
"...wait: Benghazi."
"Ouch. That might be a tough one. Could really hurt Hillary."
"So, what do we do?"
"Concentrate on something little, rather than the big picture. Like, I dunno...her emails."
"Yeah - focus on emails. Make Americans sympathetic, since everyone's misused business email at some point in time."
"Get our worst-spoken Republicans to go after her during the hearing. The idiots. Make it seem as partisan as possible."
"Yes. I know a guy - Trey Gowdy - he'd be perfect. He's guaranteed to fuck everything up, and he'll take some of our guys with him."
"We should also get a couple of whistleblowers to say it was a partisan attack as well."
"No, wait - one whistleblower - and one cocky dumbass who lets it slip by bragging about it. "
"YES! Love it. Who will the cocky dumbass be?"
"Who else - our top candidate for Speaker of the House!"
"Awesome. But how far do we need to go on screwing this up?"
*silence*
"How about far enough so that the almighty neo-Con newsblogger Matt Drudge can't think of anything to say afterwards, except for something about Hillary's health?"
"And he headlines with it!"
"Excellent. Gentleman, I'm not sure what the point of this job is, but we'll get it done."
