Lose a Spouse to Cancer - When Do You Move On?

[oxfordsea]

I lost my wife to cancer in June of this year. How long is long enough before moving on? I've read and heard comments ranging from "you know when it feels right" to "wait two years". Of course I'm still searching for what is true, and what is right for me. But I'm open to anything I read, or any new thought, or suggestion, because I feel that mix between waiting and moving on.

Anyone have experience and understanding of the process of grief and moving on to new partners? What would you do?

 

[dolf]

I say... nobody else can tell you when to be ready.

just be honest with yourself. be sure you're not looking to fill the gap too soon, more because you can't bear the loneliness than because you're open to a new and different sort of love.

 

[Que]

I am sorry for your loss. Divorce is a different brand of loss, in that it is harder to cherish the good parts of a long relationship. In a sense although your loss is profound, you get to bask in the good memories during your time of grief. My guess is that would shorten the grieving process.

I suspect their are still feelings of abandonment, as well as survivors guilt that would have analogs in divorce.

I have heard various rules of thumb as well, such as x amount of months for every year of the lost relationship, but those seem formulaic and fraught with error based on things like how good were those years, how good were they towards the end and in your most recent memories?.

As far as what looks proper (if that is at all a concern) women tend to be better at grieving during a relationship and are better prepared to date sooner. On the other hand, society assumes we men cannot care for our own basic needs so if we have any success early, no one really blames us or begrudges us our happiness as they some times do for women a little quick to "move on."

Your biggest hurdle will be internal. You have to resolve feelings of abandonment so that you can risk that again. Your next partner could also die or leave and that reality has to be girded for. You will be skittish. You will probably feel disloyal but you know she would want you to go out there and live a life.

Best wishes.

 

[parodyluvr75]

Start making new friends. Expand your social activities. Go out with friends, this will alleviate the loneliness and keep you active. It is also lower pressure if you meet someone you like. Approach any relationship as a friendship. Take your time, you'll know when to step into the pool.

There is no right time and the death of a mate is not something you ever completely get over. You can only go on and trust things will get better. And remember that when you find someone new, you aren't betraying their memory, you are continuing living.

Best of luck.

 

[Penuche]

Mostly what Dolf and parodyluvr75 said.

Or, as I'd put it, sorry for your loss, be honest with yourself about why you're moving on when you move on, and work to your own time, not anyone else's.

If there's a future partner out there who's worth having, it'd be no compliment to them if you started that relationship out of fear of living alone. The same goes for more casual dating and socialising - do it when you feel more or less ready to at least try it, and not one second earlier.

 

[NOIRTRASH]

I'm an old bastard and my losses go back to the 50s and 60s.

I still ruminate my failures and immaturity. I cant fix the old stuff so I do better now, now is what I got to work with. Life makes you move on but you may never be done with your wife. Fifty years ago an old man told me I'd think of the dead less and less often but always think of them.

 

[PayDay]

"When there is doubt, there is no doubt."
-Ronin

 

[CaptainKirk]

I lost my wife to cancer almost two years ago, so I do know this pain and the thoughts running through your mind.

"How could this happen? Why did it happen? Why did it happen to her? Why couldn't it have happened to me instead? How am I going to go on without her?"

All of these thoughts and more race through you so fast, you can't reach out and grab an answer fast enough. And the emotions racing along with them are moving just as quickly. You feel saddened, angry, frustrated, and most of all betrayed. Betrayed that she left, betrayed that she was taken away, the betrayal you feel for wondering about going on with your life without her when the time comes. You wonder when you'll be able to get passed it all and move on, and it makes you feel guilty.

Believe me, I know. I've gone through this, too.

The truth is... you never really do get passed it. It has gotten a little easier for me now that some time has passed, and that's what is needed to get passed a tragic loss and get on with life: time. I've mourned for her, cried for her, held onto things that remind me of her. But now, I feel the time has come to move on.

This will happen to you as well. Give yourself time to mourn, cry, yell at the sky in anger, whatever it takes to help you get through it. And before you know it, you'll come to the point when you realize she's not coming back no matter how much you want it. You will always love her, that will never change. She will always be in your heart... but she is no longer in your life. You'll realize that you cannot spend the rest of your remaining years chasing after a ghost. That's just being 'alive', that's not 'living'.

There's no set time period for getting over the loss of a loved one, so don't try to set one. And don't let anyone else set one for you, either. Only you can and will know when it's time. Just a friendly suggestion: don't try to regain the life you had with your wife. That chapter in your life is over. Turn the page and start the next chapter, you'll know when you're ready.

Gook luck to you, and I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[Fuckette]

one full year

 

[albertaboy]

Start making new friends. Expand your social activities. Go out with friends, this will alleviate the loneliness and keep you active. It is also lower pressure if you meet someone you like. Approach any relationship as a friendship. Take your time, you'll know when to step into the pool.

There is no right time and the death of a mate is not something you ever completely get over. You can only go on and trust things will get better. And remember that when you find someone new, you aren't betraying their memory, you are continuing living.

Best of luck.

This is very good advice.

One of the guys I work with lost his wife to a 12 year bout with breast cancer about 2 years ago. He with her and his three kids ranging form 18-22 had all agreed that he needed to start almost right away.

He started dating about a month after she died, her family went nuts but his kids supported him.

Every one is different, don't feel the need to jump into a relationship just because you are alone.

 

[albertaboy]

Captain Kirk's point about not trying to recreate what you had is really good.

When my Mom died at 82 two years ago, my Dad refused to mourn or be sad. He talks to her picture every day. Very different circumstances but a good thought.

The fellow I mentioned above still loves his dead wife, they were a very tight knit family and his relationship with his kids hasn't changed.

His relationship with this woman is wildly different than the one he had with his wife and he spent no time trying to recreate his previous one.

He is both happy and sad at the same time, but is evolving as he goes.

 

[Oh_That_Guy]

There are any number of real support groups for people in your situation. I would strongly advise seeking a couple of those out instead of trying to find what you want here or almost anywhere online. Save you a lot of grief at a time when that's the last thing you need.

 

[ms_ann_thrope]

I guess it would depend on if you actually liked your spouse.

 

[tactful]

Sorry for your loss oxfordsea. You've got some good advise here already, try not to sit around, be active, hang with family, friends and close people and in time, the pain will ease up.
Lost my wife this past December, even though I've just started to move on, it is still is tough. There really is no set time limit, that will be up to you entirely so I wish you the best if and when you decide to move forward.

 

[pollynova]

I don't have any real advice to give you, but I'm sorry about your wife.

 

[smoothg103rd]

Yesterday.

 

[Disgustipated]

Sorry for your loss. Listen to Kirk, watched hi go through it was his love and he handled it like a champ.

 

[smoothg103rd]

Sorry for your loss. Listen to Kirk, watched hi go through it was his love and he handled it like a champ.

Yours woke up saw your face and caught a heart attack.

 

[ms_ann_thrope]

Yours woke up saw your face and caught a heart attack.

...lol.

 

[oxfordsea]

Thanks

I say... nobody else can tell you when to be ready.

just be honest with yourself. be sure you're not looking to fill the gap too soon, more because you can't bear the loneliness than because you're open to a new and different sort of love.

You're wise. I embrace that.

 

[oxfordsea]

Thanks

Your biggest hurdle will be internal. You have to resolve feelings of abandonment so that you can risk that again. Your next partner could also die or leave and that reality has to be girded for. You will be skittish. You will probably feel disloyal but you know she would want you to go out there and live a life.

Best wishes.

Thank you!!!

 

[oxfordsea]

Thanks

There is no right time and the death of a mate is not something you ever completely get over. You can only go on and trust things will get better. And remember that when you find someone new, you aren't betraying their memory, you are continuing living.

Best of luck.

It feels not just like reading good advice, but practical, meaningful understanding on how to go forward. Thank you.

 

[oxfordsea]

. . . be honest with yourself about why you're moving on when you move on, and work to your own time, not anyone else's.

If there's a future partner out there who's worth having, it'd be no compliment to them if you started that relationship out of fear of living alone. The same goes for more casual dating and socialising - do it when you feel more or less ready to at least try it, and not one second earlier.

What I feel in my heart, and hear in my head, but you put words to my feelings and instincts that solidify what I believe. Thanks.

 

[oxfordsea]

Thanks

I'm an old bastard and my losses go back to the 50s and 60s.

I still ruminate my failures and immaturity. I cant fix the old stuff so I do better now, now is what I got to work with. Life makes you move on but you may never be done with your wife. Fifty years ago an old man told me I'd think of the dead less and less often but always think of them.

Wisdom. Wisdom and truth. Thanks.

 

[parodyluvr75]

It feels not just like reading good advice, but practical, meaningful understanding on how to go forward. Thank you.

You're welcome, it's a difficult journey and I wish you the very best.