Story Idea - Binding Promises

[Javertthejollypastrychef]

Hi everybody! I'm new here, and I was hoping to get some feedback here on a story idea I've been playing with.

It's in a fantasy universe, with humans and various sorts of magical sentient creatures. There are certain universal rules magical creatures must follow, the prominent rule in this story being that all explicit promises and agreements are binding and must be fulfilled (humans are immune from this, and therefore are often seen as the scummy, immoral species.)

This story would follow a mermaid who promised money to a young sailor, but there are bumps in the road to fulfilling this promise because the sailor was thrown in jail by the prince. To free him, she and the prince have an agreement that she will spend one "completely satisfying" night with him within a certain time frame in exchange for the sailor's freedom. The first time they try, the prince has brought a bunch of his friends over (his reasoning being that when a human has sex with a magical creature, the magic in their body adds a new level of pleasure for the human and the prince wanted his friends to experience it). At first the mermaid is really nervous and unhappy about the situation, but the guys are nice and make sure she's comfortable, and she ends up having a lot of fun with them.

Depending on if this would be a multipart story, the prince would either let the sailor out of jail or say that for whatever reason, he wasn't completely satisfied that night and the mermaid would have to come back. Night after night, the prince still says he isn't completely satisfied - despite showing evidence to the contrary - and since the deadline to complete the agreement is approaching, the mermaid has to figure out exactly what really turns the prince on so she can maybe flip the situation (she's usually been the submissive one, but then she turns around and doms him?).

Thoughts? Critiques? Bueller?

 

[MatthewVett]

I like the idea. Have you heard of the anime No Game No Life? It takes place in a fantasy rule where all conflicts are settled by games, and violence is impossible, so even wars are settled by games. Anyways, the rules of the universe help to enforce the bets made on the games, so if you play a game of chess against a girl, and wager that she has to fall in love with you if you win, she will. Seems like the sort of setting that this would work well in. Just a thought, and it's a good show, anyway.

 

[Sean Renaud]

Why are humans immune to this, what is the balance that makes that remotely "fair"? There are multiple kinds of "magical" beings you understand. In most fantasy for example dwarfs have a high alcohol tolerance and may live long lives. Orcs are on average as strong as a body builder, mermaids can breathe underwater. The first two powers are okay and the final is kinda traded off with the ability to walk around on land. It's kind of a crap power. Humans would take over a world with such absurd rules in a heartbeat. We'll put that aside, it's something I would need answered but lots of people would be happy to ignore.

The other questions are a little more important. How does the magic work precisely both as far as what constitutes a promise, what is the punishment for not fulfilling your end, who/what enforces it and are there known exceptions? Examples:

1. A genie promises to give you the lost treasure of King Solomon. Is it within the rules to simply deposit you where the treasure is whether it's in a cave with no escape or beneath the ocean? Can he dump it on your head killing you? For further research watch Bedazzled. Exact wording is often important with beings who are bound to keep their word.

2. What constitutes a promise? Is there specific wording on their part that is needed without which it's not a promise? Or can you pull something like this.

Person A: You're a genie?
Genie: Yes.
Person A: You can grant wishes?
Genie: Yes.
Person A: You'll make me the ruler of the world?
Genie: Yes. Wait. . .FUCK!

3. What happens in a case where being doesn't grant the wish. Are they stripped of their powers? Are they killed? Is this a unversal rule kicks in "automatically" or is there a greater entity that judges said things?

In an anime called Fairy Tale there is an interesting law where summoned creatures cannot kill their summoners or they are killed (more accurately they are allowed to die but the end results is the same.) The one we meet who has broken the rule told his summoner 'don't do anything stupid you'll die', the summoner went off an did something stupid and got killed. The creature's 'sin' was failing to bail someone from a scenario they brought on themselves after warning. The rules (in this case enforced by a king) still count death by neglect as death.

3 a. Is there a clause for shit they can't help or simply technicalities. In the case of this mermaid could she give the money to a bank, family other institution that would fulfill her end of the bargain for bringing him treasure while he's in jail and thus unreachable? What happens if the Prince had simply decided to kill the sailor making the promise impossible. Does that render the promise null or is the supernatural shit out of luck? This ones important because that's a helluva loophole. And would likely come into effect rather quickly in this story cus I can't imagine anybody not trying to lawyer their way out of the scenario you've presented.

What other powers does the Mermaid have at her disposal? I've seen plenty of Gordian Knots like a prince who won't let you have what you want. I've a favorite method for dealing with knots of the Gordian variety.

Overall the idea has merit here's how I'd clean it up. The mermaid is magically bound to the sailor because of 'x' and she needs him to free her or she'll die, her kingdom will be doomed, her daughter will be sold it doesn't really matter. She has a deadline and the prince is between her and the sailor who really would help her if he could. Or worse he is the prince and he's just not in a helping mood because he's got her by the fins.

 

[Javertthejollypastrychef]

I like the idea. Have you heard of the anime No Game No Life? It takes place in a fantasy rule where all conflicts are settled by games, and violence is impossible, so even wars are settled by games. Anyways, the rules of the universe help to enforce the bets made on the games, so if you play a game of chess against a girl, and wager that she has to fall in love with you if you win, she will. Seems like the sort of setting that this would work well in. Just a thought, and it's a good show, anyway.

I haven't, but that sounds really interesting! I'll be sure to check it out.

 

[Javertthejollypastrychef]

1.
2.
3.
3 a.

Okay so to answer the questions.

0. So the way I kind of imagined the genetic magic to work between different species, it's equivalent to how like all lifeforms on earth are carbon-based although they've evolved into different species. So, whereas a dwarf and a mermaid would both have similar primary powers - small things like brief bouts of telekinesis, brief flashes of light, a heightened sixth sense - they'd have different secondary powers - like a mermaid can transform to walk on land and may have a mind controlling song and dwarves can turn invisible in certain landscapes and might have a more fine control over rocks and such (like telling the composition by touching it, crumbling certain aspects to get a purer element? That sort of thing?). In addition, each species can create specific wards to protect their homes and communities that won't allow someone without the proper magical genetics (this can be limited to either all magic creatures or just that one species).

Humans wouldn't have any of those magical advantages, nor would they have and combat against magical wards and such. They've had to build themselves up with developing better weapons (including maybe specific anti-magic weapons? Probably made out of a very rare material as to not become too overpowered), diplomacy and holding up that diplomacy with certain species.

1. The exact wording rule still applies, so generally when an actual agreement between two creatures with two cents worth of common sense is hammered out, both parties briefly become lawyers to make sure everything is in order.

2. With creating a binding promise, there's generally a brief ritual, the barest requirements being a verbal agreement ("I agree to polish your shoes within a week after you mow my lawn" "I agree to mow your lawn within a week." would be the last part, the actual logistics of how the lawn is mowed and how the shoes are polished agreed upon beforehand) and then it's sealed with a handshake, or the equivalent if the participant has no hands for whatever reason.

3. For the consequences, the main idea I had was death for the person who doesn't fulfill their side of the agreement. It happens instantly once the time period allotted has passed.

3a. And yeah, if one of the party dies, then the agreement is void. That's where the gamble of lawyering your way out of shit comes in, because there's now way of knowing whether or not your efforts are good enough until the time has come.

For this particular situation, the idea I had for the mermaid and the sailor's agreement is like they meet at a certain location and she gives the treasure to him, so that would rule out any sort of bank or family member.

For mermaids, I've been playing with them either having weather manipulation over seas (like one can make some clouds show up or the wind pick up, fifteen working together can make a storm) or something like a siren song, something that allures and charms people. For our mermaid, I'm leaning more towards the siren's song, but she doesn't know how to properly use it. Like all skills it would take time and practice to learn and master, and our mermaid has generally lived a carefree life and is all over not entirely smart (over the course of the story she'd learn some real world lessons, like not getting yourself into stupid promises like this).

The prince being unhelpful in this is kind of a remnant of the first less-sexy idea I had, where the prince is the Biggest Douche in the Universe and likes to hunt mermaids for their scales to make them into clothes. He toys with our mermaid a bit because he's pissed that a mermaid was living under his nose, and he wanted to make her suffer for it. (The sailor had previously saved her from the prince's hunting ship, and that's why she promised him money.)

 

[Sean Renaud]

Okay this mostly holds together save for a few bits.

1. People don't breifly become lawyers, it's a skill set not a magical power. Granted you kinda cover it with the mermaid being stupid butin a world where your word is literally your bond kids would be taught from day one to make sure you phrase all wishes in a 6000 page document. It's simply too dangerous not to.

I'm also still having a hard time with everybody being "good". I guess with the mermaid being stupid she may have been so happy that she agreed to something she she shouldn't and that can work. Otherwise that still sounds like something you just wouldn't say.

I actually think the idea of the evil prince might be the better route to go. You basically turn it into Arabian Nights the sex edition with the mermaid constantly playing "if you let me live another week I'll" with the add on being mermaids are immortal or simply really long lived by comparison to humans or for that matter that there is some way she can kill him if she manages to stall long enough.

 

[Javertthejollypastrychef]

You're right, the promise thing is too tricky. I'll scrap that and maybe there's like, another kind of magical binding the mermaid agreed too, just because she was so happy to be freed and not thinking, and the sailor is of the mindset "Hey if you're this stupid, I'm definitely taking advantage of this."

I'm liking the evil prince route, too. She doesn't see his true colors until it's too late and she's already in a bind with him. After that, she needs to learn quickly how to do more sexy things to keep convincing him that she's better as a sex plaything and not a cape until she can figure a way out of the situation.

 

[Sean Renaud]

You'll find if you stick around that I'm a strong believer that perfection is achieved not when there is nothing more to add but when there is nothing left to remove. (no clue who said that first. I prefer the phrase "minimal amount of moving parts.") Which just means anything you can remove from a story without actually hurting anything you should.

With that in mind I think the evil prince is simply the easiest route. The sailor taking advantage of the mermaid isn't really a nice thing to do so why not just skip straight to him being evil. Though that does raise another question on how does the magic function. Is this enforced by a living being who can be fooled or may just be a douche outright or is it just a magical 'law' that the universe does.

I ask because the story at this point kind of hinges on the mermaid impressing her captor and he just doesn't want to give her up so each day he says 'I'm not satisfied' when what he means is 'I want more!'. Well if the arbiter is a living breathing being it may either believe the Prince when he claims not to be satisfied or b, simply not give a shit and let things continue. (Hell maybe the curse was broken on the first night but for whatever reason the Mermaid either doesn't know or keeps extending the curse because when she says "give me one more day I swear I'll do better!" it just renews the curse and she could have walked already.) If it's just the universe then. . .you know it's a short story.

As for the promise if you make your magical beings very rare and perhaps the magic only works on humans that it might be as simple as neither party actually knew how this worked. Example.

If you found a woman up chased up a tree by a dog and you come along chase the dog away and she leaps into you arms and says "Thank, you thank you, is there anyway I could possibly thank you! Anything you want!" You could be mutually unaware of the consequences until later.

 

[Javertthejollypastrychef]

Taking out aspects is something I need to work on. A lot of my influences are of the more offensively complex story type, so that bleeds into how I think up stories. I catch it less often than I should.

I'm leaning more towards the magic is enforced just by the laws of the universe. It adds more to the uncertainty, so the prince says "I'm not satisfied" and the mermaid has to decide if it's worth risking it to call his bluff or assume her end of the bargain is fulfilled either way.

I like the idea of mutual unawareness, but then that raises the question of how would either of them know of the consequences of not completing the agreement? I suppose that could be fixed by some sort of arbiter being showing up one day and being like "hey you need to do this otherwise you're gonna die"

 

[Sean Renaud]

I'm a fan of complex stories as well. I like dissecting them and going onto forums and discussing the mechanics with people. I can lose myself for hours on tvtropes with people debating some really odd details that nonetheless are occasionally important. From a writing standpoint I tend to also do the same thing but I've learned to commit as little down to the official paper as I can. It's an annoying balancing act. Still when I mean moving parts it's a lot of things. Like unless your story takes place around a holiday they don't have a family! Is the story about their job? If not they have a perfect but boring job that gives them enough money to do whatever they need to do and and enough spare time to be in my story. Unless you're main character is super Mario who has been to my knowledge a plumber (most games), a construction worker (Donkey Kong Classic), a Doctor, a referee (Punch Out) and has played just about ever sport known to man the less stuff you lock in the more flexibility you have. Also from a practical sense if it's not important why bore your reader/viewer with it? I want to know what makes your character awesome. Not what he had for breakfast. (Don't get me started on the eleven kinds of death I wish upon people who facebook their meals. Your meal had better be eaten off the naked body of a supermodel or be a scale recreation of the Tri-Carrier if you bother me with it. )

The rules of the universe just makes it easier. Yeah the mermaid has to call his bluff but then she's probably extending the curse on her own and as soon as she catches on she could walk. Which leads to two other avenues. Either she does eventually catch on and the story ends with her getting her revenge or she catches on but too late and by the time she does he's really kind of bored with her and since she's renewed the curse the 1000 times she left him unable to feel his feet don't matter near as much as this one time that he's genuinely bored. Though in that case I think you'd be better with them getting ill instead of outright dying. Something that gives them enough time to unfuck their mistake. Though again that depends on how strict magic is.

On the flip side the benefit to having the law enforced by an actual being is that you can "lawyer" your way out of it. I mentioned Fairy Tale above so I'll use a similar example to the "not really my fault" clause. If the prince dives overboard after the mermaid warns him about sharks or what not the law may say "you said you'd do X and you failed." And being by the books the god in charge may generally have a zero tolerance rule. (Like schools do with guns. A genuine gang banger bringing a gun to school gets the same penalty as a kid who grabbed his brother's backpack by accident in the morning.) But since it is a being you can appeal to it and effectively say "C'mon. I said I'd keep him safe but diving into shark infested waters is suicide. Not my goddamn fault!" To which they can say "GOOD POINT!" Or you know. . .not because they are douches.

I think you solved your own problem for the end. They both don't know but she gets sick. Maybe it's something that's common enough that she goes home, gets sick and her people go "Oh that's Promise Sickness!" Something that is rare enough that she didn't know randomly but common enough that people would know. Maybe it's a fairly well known fairy tale or urban legend. Like leprachauns. They aren't real, we know they aren't real but if you walk out of your home tommorow and the end of a rainbow is sitting there along with a pot of gold you know what it is.

 

[Javertthejollypastrychef]

Balance is quite difficult. I tend to write more than I have to and snip it out later. Better to have it and not need it, right? Plus I love world building. I once spent a day organizing the medical history and practice for this one world just because one of my characters was a doctor. I had fun. I doubt a reader would have fun reading about that. (I only like pictures of food if it's followed by a recipe. I don't like being taunted.)

Perhaps with getting sick, it could either be like a countdown to them dying, acting as a warning like "hey fix your mistake." The other option is that the illness isn't fatal, but the symptoms are detrimental enough to make life unbearable for someone. Any ideas on what that could be without making it too unsexy for the reader?

With the magical promise enforcer, he'd probably either have to be a douchebag stickler for the rules who shows up early in the story to be a rule stickler and tell the mermaid she has to do these things or else promise illness. Another option is that the promise god doesn't show up unless called for. Kind of adds to the "Wait all this is real"? element? Like, towards the end, the mermaid grows more upset with the prince's asshatery and calls out to said god out of frustration where he (or she maybe) shows up to explain everything.

So the new version so far:

Sailor saves mermaid from a hunting ship and in the heat of the moment, make a promise to meet in a certain area so she can give him money. The sailor doesn't show up and the mermaid shrugs and goes home. Later she starts getting symptoms and either 1. one of her other mermaid friends tell her it's the promise sickness or 2. promise god shows up and tells her what's going on. Then she freaks out and runs back to land to try and figure out what happened to the sailor. She finds out he was imprisoned, and she goes to try and get the prince to let him out. The prince (who at first appears just a lil pervy than outright the biggest douche in the universe) agrees to let him out in exchange for one "completely satisfying" night. So then the fun stuff happens but the prince keeps saying he's not satisfied. Then either 1. the mermaid keeps trying again for a number of nights and then eventually calls on the promise god who's surprise a real thing and then lets her off the hook or 2. she calls on the promise god after the first night to make sure the prince isn't cheating his end of the bargain, and the promise god calls fair game and she has too keep trying. It ends with either the mermaid becoming the master of pleasure and finally winning over the prince, or some good ol' fashioned decapitation.

 

[Sean Renaud]

I enjoy world building as well though I prefer to do it with a group than by myself. I find that left to my own devices not only will I get in too deep before I realize my goof but often worse a lot will have little prac app. Though I agree its better to have and not need than need and not have. I try to that end to keep information that isn't vital to whatever I'm doing separate so I can have access to it but I'm not committed to it.

I wouldn't worry about making it sexy to the reader. Though you could just describe it in very vague terms. If had a splitting migraine every day for a week and I knew the only cure was to do 'x' you better believe 'x' is getting done. . .or I'm blowing my goddamn brains out whichever is easier.

Or the God has to be gone to and like all gods that you want to meet simply is impossible to find. PRobably due to an overdose of douchebaggery. But yeah him being one more layer of the legend works too. Just because something is real doesn't mean that the average person has actually been in contact with it or even believes.

I like decapitation.

I like this direction. Especially with a slightly douchy promise god. Cus for my money a mermaid agrees to meet you on Isla Nublar to give you some Dino DNA and you don't show up? That's not her fault, she ain't got legs or GPS or any of that crap. She lived up to her end of the bargain to the best of her ability. You kinda gotta be a douchy god making an example of someone not to let that one off the hook ya know? But I like. Carry on.

 

[Javertthejollypastrychef]

I like decapitation, too.

So decapitation route: The mermaid still believes she hasn't fulfilled her end of the bargain because the prince keeps saying he isn't satisfied and her symptoms are still there. Frustrated, she goes to like the church or whatever and prays to the promise god. At that point, one of the servants or whatever finally says that the prince has been drugging her to mimic the symptoms and that she isn't really sick. Furious, she goes and rips off the prince's head with her bare hands and uses his body to set the jail on fire. A classy and completely reasonable response.