New Here - Question

[HisBabyDollJ]

I hope this is the right place to ask this.

I have been in an "odd" relationship with my man for over 10 years. That's the only way to describe it. We sort of had a sexual relationship in the beginning, but I was so neurotic at the time he stepped back and decided that what I needed was not a sexual relationship, but a nurturing one, one where I learned to love myself and let go of my fears. Oh, he was neurotic as well, and through helping me all these years, he has grown stronger, more loving, a better person. He wanted to take me along with him, but although I have become better in some small ways, the self-loathing hasn't changed all that much.

Now, he has been there for me all of these years, asking for nothing in return, trying to help me get over my anxieties, insecurities, guilt, shame, self-harm. It hasn't worked.

Now, when we first started dating he had suggested the idea of daddy/little girl sexual play. At the time, it didn't work at all. I had never entertained such an idea EVER. I had kind of playfully in past relationships suggested the idea of being submissive, but I was always told that I was not a sub, I was too strong willed for that. I would laugh and say "You're right." When my current man suggested this idea of daddy/little girl years ago, it was all acting on my part. I thought I was supposed to somehow regress into a little girl and corrupt my daddy by being dirty and slutty. It never worked. I now know why.

In the past month or so, I'm finding that to HIM, to this man, I want to be submissive, I want to be owned, I want him to be my daddy and direct my life; to give him pleasure gives me the greatest of pleasure. When I allow him control over my body and to some extent my mind, I feel free, stronger, and I am finding I want to do things that make me love myself, instead of self-harming. The issue is that while I am strong-willed, I lack self-discipline and often am disrespectful to my daddy, even though I can't remember one time he has ever been wrong in judging my reactions, emotions, and what I need to lead a productive life instead of a self-destructive one.

I have never been loved or understood so much by anyone, and I do feel like I totally trust him with my life, but sometimes I become defensive and disrespectful because I feel he is not understanding something about me. Every time this has happened, I have been wrong and he HAS understood me. The issue is, when I do this, I end up hurting myself, his baby doll, and he is getting closer and closer to the point of leaving me. Not to hurt me, but he feels that if I cannot learn this lesson (after nearly 10 years of needless arguing), that by staying with me he is only enabling me to continue to harm myself. He will not continue to watch me hurt myself because he wants me happy and cannot bear seeing me otherwise.

I love him SOOO much, and do not want to harm someone that he loves so dearly anymore. How do I get past this willfulness, the defensive mode I go into? When I do submit, give myself over to him, I end up being the real me: sweet, a little shy, curious, giggly, funny, daring, loving, rational, beautiful, tender, artistic.

I hope this all made sense. LOL

 

[mrron]

Well written. You're very articulate, and yes, it does make sense. You left me with a couple of questions though. What do you mean when you say you hurt yourself? Do you mean physically. mentally, emotionally, or are you just generally worse off? And what does He do when you rebel and act out? Does he correct you in some way, or does it just turn into a big fight?

Trying to understand you a bit better.

 

[HisBabyDollJ]

Well written. You're very articulate, and yes, it does make sense. You left me with a couple of questions though. What do you mean when you say you hurt yourself? Do you mean physically. mentally, emotionally, or are you just generally worse off? And what does He do when you rebel and act out? Does he correct you in some way, or does it just turn into a big fight?

Trying to understand you a bit better.

Thank you for the compliment. I'm glad it makes sense.
Good question. I don't physically hurt myself, at least not in a direct sense anymore. I used to pull my hair until it hurts or pinch my skin when I was anxious or felt in despair. I haven't done that in quite a few years. But I have for many years neglected myself; my teeth, my hair, just generally not keeping good hygiene. I have greatly improved in this regard, but only very recently, when I truly gave myself over to my daddy. I was neglected horribly as a child, so I learned to neglect myself. In turn, when I see the result of this neglect, I feel shame over what I have done and that shame and guilt makes me want to continue the neglect. I tell myself "What's the point? It's too late." It's very self-destructive thinking.

I am also very clever in my self-destructive behaviors, as they are not obvious at first glance. I binge on specific junk foods because on some level they fulfill the love I need. I don't purge, though. I am smart enough to eat crap and still stay thin. I have been addicted to on-line shopping, so much so that I am deeply in debt. Again, that behavior was to fulfill the love I need on some level.

I want and need to be loved so badly, and yet when I am given that love I have a difficult time trusting that it knows better than I do who I am. When I don't trust him as I should, and become defensive and end up arguing over little things that I make into large ones, again I feel guilty and beat myself up emotionally. THIS is what he wants to stop. If I didn't argue in the first place, and just listened, I would never feel the guilt and then feel badly about myself.

Honestly, so far he has merely threatened to cut me off if I continue the disrespect. When I am good girl, I love to be told so and be treated very gently. When I am bad, I want to be spanked or physically punished in some way. But the only way he could really hurt me is if he cut me off, even for just a week. We don't live together, so the thought of no contact for even that amount of time kills me. I guess I'm wondering if he should punish me in that way. I know he would be hurting as badly as I would be if he did so, and maybe that is what he NEEDS to do next time I show disrespect. I think his pain would make me learn quickly. Does this sound right?

 

[mrron]

Honestly, so far he has merely threatened to cut me off if I continue the disrespect. When I am good girl, I love to be told so and be treated very gently. When I am bad, I want to be spanked or physically punished in some way. But the only way he could really hurt me is if he cut me off, even for just a week. We don't live together, so the thought of no contact for even that amount of time kills me. I guess I'm wondering if he should punish me in that way. I know he would be hurting as badly as I would be if he did so, and maybe that is what he NEEDS to do next time I show disrespect. I think his pain would make me learn quickly. Does this sound right?

Do you ever spend time with Him one on one in person, or is this strictly an online relationship?

As for punishment, no, He shouldn't cut you off. That is far too intense a punishment for you. Punishment should not be so intense that it "kills" you. It's purpose is to correct and refocus you but should not be mentally or emotionally damaging. Some of that damage doesn't heal as you know and is perhaps why effective punishment is most often physical and controlled.

If He is creative and wise there are ways you could be refocused and corrected even online although since He can't actually force you to do anything it will require at least a degree of cooperation on your part even when you are angry of rebelling. It will require time and determination, especially on His part, but if He's hung in with you for ten years it would seem He is capable of that.

 

[HisBabyDollJ]

We have spent one on one time in person, but not recently, as circumstances have forced me to move further away from him. Neither one of us has much money right now, so we have to make do with when we can see other.
It is possible to see each other from time to time.

Our relationship is mostly over the phone, with some on line interaction. The funny part is, I have had better sex with him over the phone in the past month or so than I ever had with anyone when there was actual physical contact.

The thing is, if he decided to cut me off, he would be justified. Last year I told him about my on line shopping addiction, told him I would stop, and he told me at that time that if I did it again, I was dead to him. I did it again, out of control spending this last year, and he forgave me and is giving me one last chance. If I fuck this up it will be over.

This is where I'm at. The fear of him cutting me off for even a week is overwhelming. I haven't bought anything in the past month. This is the longest I have gone yet without buying shit. I didn't take him seriously last year. Why? Because I didn't let his love in, I didn't allow myself to feel what I really feel for him. What I feel for him is that I am his baby doll and I want nothing more than to please him and belong to him. His pleasure is my pleasure. I never admitted that before. I also think that in letting myself love him I am letting myself love me.

You are right. He can't control me from a distance, and he also does not truly want to control me unless I consent to it. I am not consenting unless I find a way to put aside the defensiveness and just let him love me. Everything I have fought him on has been to my own detriment. He's not perfect, but he does know ME.

Thank you for the response. It helped me work things out in my mind.

 

[Harold_Hill]

Have you considered D/s? Perhaps you need a man strong enough, (and confident in his own skills as a Dom), to put you across his knee and turn your butt red until you submit when you are disrespectful. Sounds like you want a man to be submissive to, but just don't know how, or perhaps don't have a man strong enough to teach you. If you are strong willed, then you need a man who is just as strong willed, especially when self-harm is a factor.