Ladies: A Question About Your Fantasies

[aManHasSaid]

I've read on Lit that on occasions women will share some of their fantasies. I'm interested in getting more of an understanding of what changes in a fantasy's effectiveness occur when a woman reveals it to her SO. Have you found it to be better for you or less so?

 

[aManHasSaid]

But first, let me introduce myself....

Retired white hat hacker, lurking Lit for some years now. Married more than 40 years to The One and expanding the relationship even more since retirement.

She loves following my lead; I try to stay more than a few steps ahead. She's circumspect about the topic of fantasies though and hence the need for outside research. (Thanks Lit!).

And so my questions ensue....<< go back one post, IYP >>

 

[sixfeetundernea]

Had a huge fantasy of being on a gangbang with several men and when I was about to tell it to my boyfriend at the time, it has lost all it's appeal. Now that I'm single, I still fantasize about it a little, but I realized that I have it because I am selfish and want attention as well as extreme contact with the male body. I don't think I'd ever receive that much attention from a man, but having him be the focus is much more appealing to me and most important. I've tried to set up one a couple of times knowing that that will be my only chance to be "lavished" but after a day or two it's lost all of it's appeal.

 

[mikendel]

It has been better for us. I tell him my fantasies and he share his. His are always what he wants to see me do sexually. I have enjoyed my forties sexually and have some fantasies I want to do. He always supports 100% and I always eventually make his come true.

 

[legally_non_blonde]

Really depends on the imagination of the SO and how they interpret the fantasy. The very act of wanting to in itself is a turn on and an "A" for effort at the very least. Its been the other way around for me mostly where the SO tells about a fantasy and I try and interpret and act on it and so far have had no complaints though in retrospect some of those time I feel I could have done things differently

 

[MercedeSexy]

Fantasies

This is an interesting question to me. Fantasies are fascinating.

Mine are most often with faceless people in unrealistic and taboo circumstances. And my interest/focus changes quite frequently. Some of my fantasies are just waaaaay too wild to discuss with my SO, some are easy to say out loud.

I've shared fantasies with my SOs in the past with mixed results.
- SO took the fantasy as a sign that they were inadequate in some way. That they should be able to fulfill every sexual need of mine, therefore, if I'm fantasizing they must not be satisfying my needs.
- SO thought about my fantasy, keyed-in on the wrong piece of it and wanted to re-enact that part in bed. Sometimes, it's the subtle nuances of the fantasy that trips your trigger.
- SO took awhile to think about the fantasy I shared with him, and by the time he was accepting of it and wanted to maybe explore that particular kink/scene/fetish, I'd already moved on to something else.
- SO jumped right in to explore said fantasy without experience, research, or proper preparation. This was disastrous.

I've tried role-playing some of my fantasies with others with mixed results, too. No one else is ever going to act/say/perform in exactly the same way your fantasy person does. Does that mean the role play won't lead to a 'happy ending'? No. It can still be good. It just won't be as good as your fantasy.

For the most part, I share my fantasies in a vague sense. In other words, I'll happily share many of my kinks/fetishes/desires but I don't usually try to role play the specific scenes that play out in my head. It would just ruin them for me, I think.

Another note on this topic ...
I read a book recently by a man who'd been a marriage therapist for many, many years. He discusses 24 marital myths.
His first myth is this: Husbands and wives should be best friends. His point is that some things should not be shared with one's spouse, but rather with a good friend. "...the ideal friendship is an A-to-Z relationship, the ideal marriage should probably proceed no further than A-to-W. Unless each partner deliberately preserves his or her individuality and ensures some degree of emotional seclusion, most marriages are likely to self-destruct."

When I think of that section of the book, I am reminded that I should consider carefully before exposing this innermost part of my soul. It could have a very negative affect on my marriage.

 

[Latexisland]

This is an interesting question to me. Fantasies are fascinating.

Mine are most often with faceless people in unrealistic and taboo circumstances. And my interest/focus changes quite frequently. Some of my fantasies are just waaaaay too wild to discuss with my SO, some are easy to say out loud.

I've shared fantasies with my SOs in the past with mixed results.
- SO took the fantasy as a sign that they were inadequate in some way. That they should be able to fulfill every sexual need of mine, therefore, if I'm fantasizing they must not be satisfying my needs.
- SO thought about my fantasy, keyed-in on the wrong piece of it and wanted to re-enact that part in bed. Sometimes, it's the subtle nuances of the fantasy that trips your trigger.
- SO took awhile to think about the fantasy I shared with him, and by the time he was accepting of it and wanted to maybe explore that particular kink/scene/fetish, I'd already moved on to something else.
- SO jumped right in to explore said fantasy without experience, research, or proper preparation. This was disastrous.

I've tried role-playing some of my fantasies with others with mixed results, too. No one else is ever going to act/say/perform in exactly the same way your fantasy person does. Does that mean the role play won't lead to a 'happy ending'? No. It can still be good. It just won't be as good as your fantasy.

For the most part, I share my fantasies in a vague sense. In other words, I'll happily share many of my kinks/fetishes/desires but I don't usually try to role play the specific scenes that play out in my head. It would just ruin them for me, I think.

Another note on this topic ...
I read a book recently by a man who'd been a marriage therapist for many, many years. He discusses 24 marital myths.
His first myth is this: Husbands and wives should be best friends. His point is that some things should not be shared with one's spouse, but rather with a good friend. "...the ideal friendship is an A-to-Z relationship, the ideal marriage should probably proceed no further than A-to-W. Unless each partner deliberately preserves his or her individuality and ensures some degree of emotional seclusion, most marriages are likely to self-destruct."

When I think of that section of the book, I am reminded that I should consider carefully before exposing this innermost part of my soul. It could have a very negative affect on my marriage.

I totally agree with your thorough explanation of your thoughts on sharing.

 

[gabriel16]

Fantasies

A quick comment and then getting out of the way of women responding to Mercedes' thoughtful words. A lover sharing her fantasies is, for me, a pleasure to hear. How it fits in with the relationship is something for more discussion with her.
G

 

[SlutAddicted]

This is an interesting question to me. Fantasies are fascinating.

Mine are most often with faceless people in unrealistic and taboo circumstances. And my interest/focus changes quite frequently. Some of my fantasies are just waaaaay too wild to discuss with my SO, some are easy to say out loud.

I've shared fantasies with my SOs in the past with mixed results.
- SO took the fantasy as a sign that they were inadequate in some way. That they should be able to fulfill every sexual need of mine, therefore, if I'm fantasizing they must not be satisfying my needs.
- SO thought about my fantasy, keyed-in on the wrong piece of it and wanted to re-enact that part in bed. Sometimes, it's the subtle nuances of the fantasy that trips your trigger.
- SO took awhile to think about the fantasy I shared with him, and by the time he was accepting of it and wanted to maybe explore that particular kink/scene/fetish, I'd already moved on to something else.
- SO jumped right in to explore said fantasy without experience, research, or proper preparation. This was disastrous.

I've tried role-playing some of my fantasies with others with mixed results, too. No one else is ever going to act/say/perform in exactly the same way your fantasy person does. Does that mean the role play won't lead to a 'happy ending'? No. It can still be good. It just won't be as good as your fantasy.

For the most part, I share my fantasies in a vague sense. In other words, I'll happily share many of my kinks/fetishes/desires but I don't usually try to role play the specific scenes that play out in my head. It would just ruin them for me, I think.

Another note on this topic ...
I read a book recently by a man who'd been a marriage therapist for many, many years. He discusses 24 marital myths.
His first myth is this: Husbands and wives should be best friends. His point is that some things should not be shared with one's spouse, but rather with a good friend. "...the ideal friendship is an A-to-Z relationship, the ideal marriage should probably proceed no further than A-to-W. Unless each partner deliberately preserves his or her individuality and ensures some degree of emotional seclusion, most marriages are likely to self-destruct."

When I think of that section of the book, I am reminded that I should consider carefully before exposing this innermost part of my soul. It could have a very negative affect on my marriage.

Interesting and thorough perspective. In my casual observation most men who say they would like to hear their SOs fantasies are not remotely prepared to hear them.

 

[aManHasSaid]

Taking It Further....

Thank you for the responses.

It seems fantasies are almost as ethereal and mysterious to gals as they are to men. Reminds me of the Uncertainty Principle: If you examine it, you have changed it.

I think it fair to say that many men want to know their SO's fantasies to gauge their own sexual effectiveness. That's our male competitiveness at work... and jealousies, too, I think.

Drilling down a bit further, MercedeSexy said:
"
For the most part, I share my fantasies in a vague sense. In other words, I'll happily share many of my kinks/fetishes/desires but I don't usually try to role play the specific scenes that play out in my head. It would just ruin them for me, I think.
"

How common is the idea of protecting the fantasy from dilution? Do women typically take care to insulate the triggers in their fantasies from actions/opinions of their SO?

 

[sixfeetundernea]

Interesting and thorough perspective. In my casual observation most men who say they would like to hear their SOs fantasies are not remotely prepared to hear them.

I 100% agree with that. They like the taboo of it, but they are completely expecting for their fantasies to be the same, only to be hit with reality.

 

[policywank]

I have conflicting views on the merits of sharing my sexual fantasies.

When it "works" it is a wonderful experience that I liken to psychological exhibitionism except that the rush is 1,000 times more titillating than having somebody see my boobs. But it almost never "works". Most guys respond with some degree of insecurity, jealousy or judgment. And the others try to realize the fantasy right away and don't respond well when that doesn't quite work out.

Only one man has ever really gotten that it is best to enjoy, observe and leave it in the realm of fantasy. Let it inform our experiences perhaps but otherwise just take the fantasy for what it is and leave it alone.

As others have noted most guys just aren't ready. Women frequently do not want to hear about our man's perverted fantasies but we know they exist. Men are much more inclined (IMHO) to actually be deluded as to what their women fantasize about.

To that end I submit that every single sexually mature female has one or more of the following fantasies. No I can't prove it and I may be wrong but if you are a man who vociferously thinks your woman has none of these, you are probably delusional.

Party Slut - Me and multiple men. It's not the abusive version portrayed by male-centric porn but it isn't candlelight and rose petals either. The sex is raunchy and raw and involves three or more men giving all of their generous sexual attentions to me until they are sated. I do the dirty things I rarely admit to even thinking about, fix my hair and lipstick then leave - composed and satisfied with a trail of happy spent men behind me. Hubby's presence or participation is not required.

Non-consent - Taken by force, the subject of seething lust and desire with no option but to comply. I think of this as the impossible fantasy because no women wants to be raped but the knowledge that it is planned and consensual takes away the thrill. The intensity of his lust is a big turn-on, but the ceding of control is even bigger. Even more so than the Party Slut fantasy I am not only able but compelled to do the dirty things I wouldn't otherwise do and I am not even to blame.

Mr. Big - I don't care how much your woman appreciates the wonderful things you do she doesn't need to be a size queen to think about a man with a bigger dick.

Taboo - Whomever I am not supposed to want - father-in-law, brother-in-law, dirty old man, interracial, whatever. The fantasy has little to do with the specific male envisioned but everything to do with the fact that he is supposed to be off-limits.

 

[aManHasSaid]

...

To that end I submit that every single sexually mature female has one or more of the following fantasies. No I can't prove it and I may be wrong but if you are a man who vociferously thinks your woman has none of these, you are probably delusional.

Party Slut - Me and multiple men. It's not the abusive version portrayed by male-centric porn but it isn't candlelight and rose petals either. The sex is raunchy and raw and involves three or more men giving all of their generous sexual attentions to me until they are sated. I do the dirty things I rarely admit to even thinking about, fix my hair and lipstick then leave - composed and satisfied with a trail of happy spent men behind me. Hubby's presence or participation is not required.

Non-consent - Taken by force, the subject of seething lust and desire with no option but to comply. I think of this as the impossible fantasy because no women wants to be raped but the knowledge that it is planned and consensual takes away the thrill. The intensity of his lust is a big turn-on, but the ceding of control is even bigger. Even more so than the Party Slut fantasy I am not only able but compelled to do the dirty things I wouldn't otherwise do and I am not even to blame.

Mr. Big - I don't care how much your woman appreciates the wonderful things you do she doesn't need to be a size queen to think about a man with a bigger dick.

Taboo - Whomever I am not supposed to want - father-in-law, brother-in-law, dirty old man, interracial, whatever. The fantasy has little to do with the specific male envisioned but everything to do with the fact that he is supposed to be off-limits.

....


What a valuable post. Thank you policywank for shedding light here.

It is interesting that nature has provided women with multiple incentives for incidental mating. It would seem that biologically speaking, the wild card semen is of key importance in the propagation of the species, and the cultural veneer we apply--monogamy--is insufficient. Wow!

 

[GrrlFriday]

I've read on Lit that on occasions women will share some of their fantasies. I'm interested in getting more of an understanding of what changes in a fantasy's effectiveness occur when a woman reveals it to her SO. Have you found it to be better for you or less so?

I would first recommend that you look up the author Nancy Friday's books. She has written a series of books from the 1970s to 2009 collating womens' fantasies. Even though some of the commentary is of its time, it might give you a useful historical perspective. In several chapters she discusses just that - sharing fantasies with your one and only.

When you share a fantasy, I think that you have to be prepared to open it up to become a collaboration. It won't ever be what you originally had in your own head, but if your SO 'gets it', or has a go, or doesn't immediately recoil or belittle you, it can be very powerful. Even if the fantasy is something tame or mild.

 

[ReadingExcitesMe]

Hasn't worked out for me.

 

[aManHasSaid]

I would first recommend that you look up the author Nancy Friday's books. She has written a series of books from the 1970s to 2009 collating womens' fantasies. Even though some of the commentary is of its time, it might give you a useful historical perspective. In several chapters she discusses just that - sharing fantasies with your one and only.

When you share a fantasy, I think that you have to be prepared to open it up to become a collaboration. It won't ever be what you originally had in your own head, but if your SO 'gets it', or has a go, or doesn't immediately recoil or belittle you, it can be very powerful. Even if the fantasy is something tame or mild.

Done. Thanks for the link, GrrlFriday.

 

[double ds]

I have conflicting views on the merits of sharing my sexual fantasies.

When it "works" it is a wonderful experience that I liken to psychological exhibitionism except that the rush is 1,000 times more titillating than having somebody see my boobs. But it almost never "works". Most guys respond with some degree of insecurity, jealousy or judgment. And the others try to realize the fantasy right away and don't respond well when that doesn't quite work out.

Only one man has ever really gotten that it is best to enjoy, observe and leave it in the realm of fantasy. Let it inform our experiences perhaps but otherwise just take the fantasy for what it is and leave it alone.

As others have noted most guys just aren't ready. Women frequently do not want to hear about our man's perverted fantasies but we know they exist. Men are much more inclined (IMHO) to actually be deluded as to what their women fantasize about.

To that end I submit that every single sexually mature female has one or more of the following fantasies. No I can't prove it and I may be wrong but if you are a man who vociferously thinks your woman has none of these, you are probably delusional.

Party Slut - Me and multiple men. It's not the abusive version portrayed by male-centric porn but it isn't candlelight and rose petals either. The sex is raunchy and raw and involves three or more men giving all of their generous sexual attentions to me until they are sated. I do the dirty things I rarely admit to even thinking about, fix my hair and lipstick then leave - composed and satisfied with a trail of happy spent men behind me. Hubby's presence or participation is not required.

Non-consent - Taken by force, the subject of seething lust and desire with no option but to comply. I think of this as the impossible fantasy because no women wants to be raped but the knowledge that it is planned and consensual takes away the thrill. The intensity of his lust is a big turn-on, but the ceding of control is even bigger. Even more so than the Party Slut fantasy I am not only able but compelled to do the dirty things I wouldn't otherwise do and I am not even to blame.

Mr. Big - I don't care how much your woman appreciates the wonderful things you do she doesn't need to be a size queen to think about a man with a bigger dick.

Taboo - Whomever I am not supposed to want - father-in-law, brother-in-law, dirty old man, interracial, whatever. The fantasy has little to do with the specific male envisioned but everything to do with the fact that he is supposed to be off-limits.

A very good response that I agree with. The four fantasies are all fantasies I have and are all typically nameless and faceless.