Need some opinion about my new story

[kingbooruwa]

After a little break, I started another new series. It combines the categories: interracial, non-consent and cuckolding. I was planning on completing the story before publishing it, but had some trouble deciding a plot turn at some point. So I published what was done; resulting a 9 page first chapter. I would appreciate if anyone could go through it and give me a feedback. The start is a bit slow, but I assure you that it gets better after couple of pages.


https://www.literotica.com/s/a-wifes-life-among-savages-ch-01

 

[Tigersman]

New story

I read your story. For the most part I thought it was well written. I sent you a pm telling you about some problem areas.

 

[robertreams]

First of all, can the historical fiction at the beginning. It sounds as though you think the rest of us were not here then, and is, at best, a log of misinformation about a time and place that never existed. next trim out all the fat that keeps you from saying what you are trying to say,
QUOTE:
This keen interest led Kelly into (studying) anthropology: (and) by (the year of) 1981 she was teaching anthropology in a university. By this time, (only few pockets of the world remained unexplored. Considering any more expeditions to be a waste of money,) nobody was (interested or) curious enough to fund anthropological expeditions into( these) remote areas.

(This) (You cannot merely toss pronouns into the air to see where they will fall, pronouns need antecedents, resulted in limiting) So Kelly's dreams were limited to books and journals of great explorers.( there goes another pronoun It was) One of her life dreams was to witness the wonders she had devoted her life to. (study about, with her own eyes,) but (being a woman the age of thirty,) she was too young and vulnerable to go on such an expedition (only by herself She was well aware (of the fact) that women became more vulnerable, as places become (too in places) more remote. (from civilization.remote for modern culture to reach.) She had waited many years for (the university to grant some) funds for a large expedition (that would facilitate a whole group,) but was starting to realize it would soon be time to (that by the time they give the approval, she would be) marry and have (settled with) children.

(Kelly knew once she married) Her fiancé, Jonathan, would never let her go on such a journey, so she had been postponing their marriage, (just because of this reason, and had been trying to take part in an expedition before that.) but (finally), he had finally given her an ultimatum: either they got married (the) next year or he would find another girl.( who would.)

That's 110 completely unnecessary words so far. Even most of what remains could be written into two or three cogent paragraphs. This entire section is wordy and repetitious.

 

[kingbooruwa]

First of all, can the historical fiction at the beginning. It sounds as though you think the rest of us were not here then, and is, at best, a log of misinformation about a time and place that never existed. next trim out all the fat that keeps you from saying what you are trying to say,
QUOTE:
This keen interest led Kelly into (studying) anthropology: (and) by (the year of) 1981 she was teaching anthropology in a university. By this time, (only few pockets of the world remained unexplored. Considering any more expeditions to be a waste of money,) nobody was (interested or) curious enough to fund anthropological expeditions into( these) remote areas.

(This) (You cannot merely toss pronouns into the air to see where they will fall, pronouns need antecedents, resulted in limiting) So Kelly's dreams were limited to books and journals of great explorers.( there goes another pronoun It was) One of her life dreams was to witness the wonders she had devoted her life to. (study about, with her own eyes,) but (being a woman the age of thirty,) she was too young and vulnerable to go on such an expedition (only by herself She was well aware (of the fact) that women became more vulnerable, as places become (too in places) more remote. (from civilization.remote for modern culture to reach.) She had waited many years for (the university to grant some) funds for a large expedition (that would facilitate a whole group,) but was starting to realize it would soon be time to (that by the time they give the approval, she would be) marry and have (settled with) children.

(Kelly knew once she married) Her fiancé, Jonathan, would never let her go on such a journey, so she had been postponing their marriage, (just because of this reason, and had been trying to take part in an expedition before that.) but (finally), he had finally given her an ultimatum: either they got married (the) next year or he would find another girl.( who would.)

That's 110 completely unnecessary words so far. Even most of what remains could be written into two or three cogent paragraphs. This entire section is wordy and repetitious.

Thank you for taking the time to show some of the mistakes. It's really helpful. I do need to polish my grammar a lot.

 

[smartmalk]

we need for the part 2 as can as soon. it's a great story!