Non-consent, tease forced to take big cock

[Slamdance]

What do you think? I did not get much feedback on this because I did not turn on the comments until just recently.
https://www.literotica.com/s/huge-cock-teaches-sexy-little-bitch

 

[blin18]

I enjoy big cock and petite girl stories - and a little bit of reluctance can be exciting too - so I thought I'd give this one a go.

I found lots to like in those themes that I mentioned, but humiliation and FMM+ isn't my thing, so ultimately I didn't find the story erotic. That's okay though, different strokes float different folks' boats, if I can mangle some cliches.

Sticking to purely technical feedback, I thought there were two serious barriers to deeper enjoyment of the story.

1: When the sex first began, you lost your balance of proper nouns and pronouns. It was pretty good at the beginning, but as it got exciting, there were too many Bricks and way too many Sissys. You need to blend those down with more he's and shes and even the occasional 'the girl' or 'the brunette'.

2. The perspective kept shifting. We were getting Sissy's thoughts one paragraph and Brick's the next. Sticking to one perspective requires discipline, but it allows your reader to immerse more thoroughly. When you shift so quickly, you lock us out.

Its a minor thing, but my favorite part of a big cock fantasy is all the rich descriptions of stretching and tightness and fullness. You gave us some of that, but I could tolerate more.

Also, in a stroke story like this, consider where you want your reader to cum. The second scene at Brick's house should have been a separate story with a longer build up that described Sissy's progression from humiliation, recovery, fantasy, and finally showing up at his house. With that second vignette removed, the reader can see the end coming and time their release with that of the protagonist.

Overall, good story.

 

[Tigersman]

It was nicely written but it was evident you are depending on spellcheck way too much. I noticed words were missing along with commas in the wrong place or missing altogether.

 

[Slamdance]

Thanks for the critique Belinda! I think I got sloppy as I got more excited. One quibble -- I like stories that switch the perspective.

 

[blin18]

Thanks for the critique Belinda! I think I got sloppy as I got more excited. One quibble -- I like stories that switch the perspective.

Me too. And writing erotica is ALL about writing what you like. But be aware of the risks. Immersion in a story is incredibly powerful and will keep a reader through to the end and coming back for more. You need to be very mindful of writing techniques that distance the reader; techniques that remind them they are reading and not daydreaming ( or better) experiencing.

The way I have been taught shifting perspective is t
- mark each shift with a chapter or section break to signal to the reader that some kind of break has occurred in the story
- use the name of the new protagonist in the first few words of the section, so the reader can get into that mindset straight away.
- make each section long enough to warrant the reader's effort in immersing. A shift every few paragraphs will tire them out.

I'm still learning my craft. so these rules are not gospel. I would defer to an experienced creative writing teacher or successful author.

For an example of what I mean, hit my name in my signature and look at Best On Board.

 

[blin18]

For an example of what I mean, hit my name in my signature and look at Best On Board.

Hmm. Just got an anon comment on Best On Board praising the perspective shifts but critiquing the punctuation. Coincidence? Maybe, but it might also be someone reading this thread.

Its a fair cop. My punctuation is atrocious, but I think I've been getting getter in more recent stories. The anon commenter is right, I should go through and do an edit on that story. If you're reading, anon, thanks for the poke.

To keep this on topic, I thought the OPs punctuation was pretty good, but then maybe I'm not the best judge.

 

[Slamdance]

Me too. And writing erotica is ALL about writing what you like. But be aware of the risks. Immersion in a story is incredibly powerful and will keep a reader through to the end and coming back for more. You need to be very mindful of writing techniques that distance the reader; techniques that remind them they are reading and not daydreaming ( or better) experiencing.

The way I have been taught shifting perspective is t
- mark each shift with a chapter or section break to signal to the reader that some kind of break has occurred in the story
- use the name of the new protagonist in the first few words of the section, so the reader can get into that mindset straight away.
- make each section long enough to warrant the reader's effort in immersing. A shift every few paragraphs will tire them out.

I'm still learning my craft. so these rules are not gospel. I would defer to an experienced creative writing teacher or successful author.

For an example of what I mean, hit my name in my signature and look at Best On Board.

thanks this is helpful. Are you an editor on this site? I have a new story that needs editing.

 

[blin18]

thanks this is helpful. Are you an editor on this site? I have a new story that needs editing.

No, I only write.

 

[Tigersman]

Editing

I edit for various authors that post here and other sites. I check for grammar, punctuation, spelling, missing or added words and plot and character development.