How would you deal with this?

[TheNiteSiren]

Feeling a little devastated right now. Here's the situation: There is this guy. I guess you could call him my dream guy. We've never really interacted but I have seen him around. I am a shy person and could never speak up. I just found out that his girlfriend may be pregnant and that they eloped. He never knew I was alive which hurts like hell. Very depressed now. How would you deal with this? I know its immature but I feel a real potent hatred for that woman right now.

This is a reoccurring theme in my life. Which makes this even more sad. I have a sickening pit in the stomach right now. Trying not to cry.

 

[BabblingBrooke]

Feeling a little devastated right now. Here's the situation: There is this guy. I guess you could call him my dream guy. We've never really interacted but I have seen him around. I am a shy person and could never speak up. I just found out that his girlfriend may be pregnant and that they eloped. He never knew I was alive which hurts like hell. Very depressed now. How would you deal with this? I know its immature but I feel a real potent hatred for that woman right now.

This is a reoccurring theme in my life. Which makes this even more sad. I have a sickening pit in the stomach right now. Trying not to cry.

You didn't have a relationship with this man. Grieving an unrequited (nonexistent) romance is unhealthy. I would encourage you to talk to a doctor.

 

[TheNiteSiren]

You didn't have a relationship with this man. Grieving an unrequited (nonexistent) romance is unhealthy. I would encourage you to talk to a doctor.

Makes me feel so much better.

 

[MeekMe]

You don't really know this guy. You're infatuated with your "dream guy." You have no idea what he's like behind closed doors. I suggest you move on. And think about how ridiculous it is to hate someone you've never met or interacted with.

I would put my efforts into meeting someone and actually starting a relationship with them instead of hating a woman I don't know and being angry that a guy I like is married.

 

[Emerson40]

Feeling a little devastated right now. Here's the situation: There is this guy. I guess you could call him my dream guy. We've never really interacted but I have seen him around. I am a shy person and could never speak up. I just found out that his girlfriend may be pregnant and that they eloped. He never knew I was alive which hurts like hell. Very depressed now. How would you deal with this? I know its immature but I feel a real potent hatred for that woman right now.

This is a reoccurring theme in my life. Which makes this even more sad. I have a sickening pit in the stomach right now. Trying not to cry.

Have a wee read through.

Feeling a little devastated right now. Here's the situation: There is this chef. I guess you could call him my dream chef. We've never really interacted but I walk by his restaurant all the time. I am a person who generally cooks, and eats at home and never really goes out to eat. I just found out that his restaurant is serving the best tenderloin in the state and that it is available with lobster tail. He never knew I enjoyed steak which hurts like hell. Very depressed now. How would you deal with this? I know its immature but I feel a real potent hatred for beef right now.


Whether a matter of the heart, or of the tummy, one should not be devastated by the loss of something which, by their own admission, they never had, or had their fork in to begin with.

There are plenty of fine cooks out there. Get out there, try a few steaks. If you find another chef you fancy, even a dream one, let him know how much you enjoy his meat.

If he knows you and how you like your steak, but stops making it just how you like it, start another thread. Myself, and others, will be here with pepper mills and bottles of A1 at the ready.

 

[TheNiteSiren]

You're all really funny. Thank you for making me feel ten times worse. If you had actually read between the lines, this is a reoccurring theme for me. He and I did know each other but casually. I live in a small redneck town so know all the damn facts before you judge.

Everytime I meet someone new that I like, we become friends and they completely forget I am female at all.

I can guarantee this is the last time I make the mistake of posting a problem on here. I was hoping for some kind of helpful advice not judgments and people making fun of me. I thought this was a site for adults. Guess I was wrong. Fuck all of you.

I plan on cutting soon as I finish this post. Pat yourselves on the back...you got me to fall off the wagon. Hope I cut too deep so I can haunt all your asses.

 

[Emerson40]

Goodness gracious!

This thread took a sudden and familiar turn.

Your reoccurring theme is not limited to unavailable guys you become attached to. There seems a trend of you lashing out at folks who offer sound, sensible advice, instead of the sympathy and attention you crave.

And this blaming others for your actions... nobody here knocked you from any wagon, any more than we made you fall for a guy who was unaware you existed and was just minding his business, living his life. You really should seriously seek some professional help.

Good luck.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[imemkay]

I'm torn here. Post or don't feed the attention seekers. Think I'll go with "post" today.

So, in one post:

We've never really interacted but I have seen him around.

In the next:

He and I did know each other but casually.

Which is it? You either have seen the guy walking down the street and said a polite hello while passing, or you hang out in the same social circle and have spent some time with the guy. What does living in a small redneck town have to do with anything? I live in a small town. I'd like to think it's not too redneck, though. I will say that everybody knows everybody else's business in small towns. Maybe it's not that they forget that you're female, but that word has gotten round that you become obsessed with men you don't even really know, to they point you hate them and people in their lives for being happy?

Read between the lines? Say what you mean and mean what you say and nobody would have to try to read your troubled mind.

Nobody was judging you. You asked for advice. People suggested you seek professional help. I don't see what is judgmental about that. Judgmental would be "Bitch, you're crazy". Seeking professional help seems a legit suggestion, especially given the fact that you are a cutter.

Life is too short to be making yourself sick over seeing other people happy. Please, do yourself a favor and speak with a doctor.

 

[lovecraft68]

You're all really funny. Thank you for making me feel ten times worse. If you had actually read between the lines, this is a reoccurring theme for me. He and I did know each other but casually. I live in a small redneck town so know all the damn facts before you judge.

Everytime I meet someone new that I like, we become friends and they completely forget I am female at all.

I can guarantee this is the last time I make the mistake of posting a problem on here. I was hoping for some kind of helpful advice not judgments and people making fun of me. I thought this was a site for adults. Guess I was wrong. Fuck all of you.

I plan on cutting soon as I finish this post. Pat yourselves on the back...you got me to fall off the wagon. Hope I cut too deep so I can haunt all your asses.

My suggestion would be-well first move past this, it never started and it now never will-but as to the recurring situation....you mention your shy...and you always become friends so I guess because you are shy you're the "safe girl"

You are actually the first woman I have seen using the friend zone type issue....usually that's guys.

Only solution I see for you is the next time you find a desirable man, then do not allow it to stay friends, speak up...say hey, I'm interested.

Yes, you are risking rejection, but at least if he turns you down, you're not eaten up with what ifs....and understand the irrational hatred you feel for this woman is an unhealthy jealousy, but also most likely really directed at you, cause you blew it...again in your mind.

Take initiative.

 

[subwannabe]

Since the OP never got around to saying it I would like to thank many posters in this thread for giving sound and reasonable advice. Unfortunately, it was not the advice she wanted to hear and I have absolutely no idea on what that would even be, except for maybe "kill the bitch!".

 

[Conager]

You're all really funny. Thank you for making me feel ten times worse. If you had actually read between the lines, this is a reoccurring theme for me. He and I did know each other but casually. I live in a small redneck town so know all the damn facts before you judge.

Everytime I meet someone new that I like, we become friends and they completely forget I am female at all.

Your OP and this part, I can definitely relate to. I do not think unrequited love is unhealthy, just not particularly rewarding. In my youth I did it a lot. There is something grand a pure and noble about loving without putting any demands on the other person.

The problem is (as I am sure you know) is that nothing comes of that and they don't know of the "gift" of your undying love. It feels really romantic though, yes?

The feelings are real even if the fantasies are not. It is a loss, grieve as you would any loss.

As far as the why this s happening with you that is partly your own mindset and fears holding you back from expressing what needs to be said, the other part is that actual words and actions that you then do, which is solvable. I cannot (off the top of my head) give you some concrete advice about that because as a dude, I had to figure all of this out from the standpoint of how to make my intentions clear (and hopefully attractive) to girls. I could totally hook you up if you were a lesbian.

I know, though that there are valid techniques and suggestions for flirting with dudes effectively and making it clear to the object of your affections that you dig them in "that" way. Perhaps some flirts here can help you with that. I'll give it some thought and think about what has worked or would work on a suave, handsome, interesting fellow like myself.

There's lots of time to figure that out because you need some time for yourself to grieve. I don't condone unhealthy ways to deal with your very real pain, but I do understand why you would.

I can guarantee this is the last time I make the mistake of posting a problem on here. I was hoping for some kind of helpful advice not judgments and people making fun of me. I thought this was a site for adults. Guess I was wrong. Fuck all of you.

I plan on cutting soon as I finish this post. Pat yourselves on the back...you got me to fall off the wagon. Hope I cut too deep so I can haunt all your asses.

I don't do emotional blackmail, not because i have no compassion but because it does you know favors. Cut, or don't heal and be healthy, or sink into what must be a familiar spiral. I hope you choose things that make you happy. I understand it is nowhere as simple as that.

I am confident you will read this because you are wounded and you clearly have a lot of pride. I am a proud fellow myself. To quote pulp fiction, "That is just pride, fuckin' with you..."

These things always take time to heal from. the only good news is every year that goes by goes faster so the healing time starts to feel a little shorter, but it is really just the same.

 

[Christopher2012]

I totally feel for you because I do this a lot, and I'm considered crazy on this forum. This reminds me of the Mary thread I used to have up when i was so infatuated with this girl that I thought she was perfect. I romanticized the thought of being with her and how happy I would be. I realized later that I created a character with her looks in my head. That character I created revolved around my world and I fell in love with the thought.

Fast forward years later. I met a woman online who I thought was perfect. This happened very recently and I caught a lot of flack for it being an online video game relationship. But I loved a girl and I knew she was bad for me. On paper, it was a landslide against us working out. I knew that. But I refused to believe the truth. Again, I created a situation in my head that I fell in love with. She and I were very close, unlike the first case, but it was still a romanticized thought that drove me to believe it was real.

You and I share a common theme in that we see somebody, romanticize the thoughts of being with them and then we make their story revolve around ours. That's not a relationship. It's a story. And you hurt yourself for attaching yourself to that. I know it may seem like it's all you have. You may genuinely feel like he was that one option, but he wasn't. There are plenty more men out there.

Who knows? You may have even dodged a bullet you didn't even know existed! I know that I did, twice. That doesn't mean my problem of romanticizing situations and characters I create is gone. It just means that I have recognized it's presence in the past. You should do the same.

 

[Zeb_Carter]

Unrequited love is the worst. It can drive you nuts.

What I did is write about it. Changed the names to protect the innocent.

Then went about my business.


As was said before, you didn't really have a relationship with this man...it was all in your mind. Pour it out into a story and then move on.

Now I could be really mean...He doesn't even know who you are. Move on.

If you're still bothered by this in a week...go to a professional and talk it out.

 

[Emerson40]

Don't underestimate the power of a great steak, fella!!

I am going to withhold comment here, given your delicate state, and the fact you eat steak - regardless of cut - grilled to 'Birkenstock', cooked a wee bit more than well done.

 

[Christopher2012]

You're all really funny. Thank you for making me feel ten times worse. If you had actually read between the lines, this is a reoccurring theme for me. He and I did know each other but casually. I live in a small redneck town so know all the damn facts before you judge.

Everytime I meet someone new that I like, we become friends and they completely forget I am female at all.

I can guarantee this is the last time I make the mistake of posting a problem on here. I was hoping for some kind of helpful advice not judgments and people making fun of me. I thought this was a site for adults. Guess I was wrong. Fuck all of you.

I plan on cutting soon as I finish this post. Pat yourselves on the back...you got me to fall off the wagon. Hope I cut too deep so I can haunt all your asses.

I need to learn to read past the very first post. Jeez....

 

[Conager]

I totally feel for you because I do this a lot, and I'm considered crazy on this forum. This reminds me of the Mary thread I used to have up when i was so infatuated with this girl that I thought she was perfect. I romanticized the thought of being with her and how happy I would be. I realized later that I created a character with her looks in my head. That character I created revolved around my world and I fell in love with the thought.

Fast forward years later. I met a woman online who I thought was perfect. This happened very recently and I caught a lot of flack for it being an online video game relationship. But I loved a girl and I knew she was bad for me. On paper, it was a landslide against us working out. I knew that. But I refused to believe the truth. Again, I created a situation in my head that I fell in love with. She and I were very close, unlike the first case, but it was still a romanticized thought that drove me to believe it was real.

You and I share a common theme in that we see somebody, romanticize the thoughts of being with them and then we make their story revolve around ours. That's not a relationship. It's a story. And you hurt yourself for attaching yourself to that. I know it may seem like it's all you have. You may genuinely feel like he was that one option, but he wasn't. There are plenty more men out there.

Who knows? You may have even dodged a bullet you didn't even know existed! I know that I did, twice. That doesn't mean my problem of romanticizing situations and characters I create is gone. It just means that I have recognized it's presence in the past. You should do the same.

I like what I see as your growing self-awareness, Christopher.

 

[Christopher2012]

I like what I see as your growing self-awareness, Christopher.

Thank you, sir. I am, in fact, crazy but I carry it well.

 

[fire_breeze]

I am very sorry that you are feeling this way It is devastating to find a dream - however form that dream takes - dissipate.

I would like to echo Christopher's post. It seems that you were in love with a romanticised ideal based on the gentleman in question. We all do it, we all create fantasies around a person. But the thing is that the target of our fantasies do not know, and you end up creating a scenario which cannot thrive in reality. It's when reality hits (in your case, him marrying his pregnant girlfriend), it shatters this world that you have built in order to shield yourself from your personal reality.

Fantasising is fine. Living in that fantasy is extremely dangerous. I obviously do not know you, but it seems to me that you build these worlds in order to escape your reality. It's one thing to translate the dream into reality, but that requires you to acknowledge reality and to work hard in the 'real' world in order to transform it to one that is similar to the dream. But to hide in the dream world will completely destroy you. That is fact.

You mentioned that this is a reoccurring theme in your life. I wish I could tell you how to break the cycle, but what worked for me is to live life, enjoy myself and then when the moment presents itself, take it. Yes, you may face rejection. It's definitely scary, but if a guy is cruel and mean to you after declining, then is that the type of man you want to spend any time with?

Much more concerning though, is you lashing out to people who offered genuine advice as well as your cutting. I do not know if you are seeing a qualified therapist, but I do suggest, strongly, that you do so. People will offer you advice that you do not wish to hear, but it does not mean that it's terrible. In fact, the best advice are those we do not want to hear. Lashing out, or dealing with this with cutting is not healthy and will make it much more difficult for you to regain control of your life. With the help of a qualified and trusted therapist, you can control your life, and live one that you actually want to live.

Good luck and heal

 

[mikendel]

When you have these feeling again you have to act on them. Don't leave yourself with what if. Trying to start a relationship is better than thinking about it.

 

[SweetErika]

You're all really funny. Thank you for making me feel ten times worse. If you had actually read between the lines, this is a reoccurring theme for me. He and I did know each other but casually. I live in a small redneck town so know all the damn facts before you judge.

Everytime I meet someone new that I like, we become friends and they completely forget I am female at all.

I can guarantee this is the last time I make the mistake of posting a problem on here. I was hoping for some kind of helpful advice not judgments and people making fun of me. I thought this was a site for adults. Guess I was wrong. Fuck all of you.

I plan on cutting soon as I finish this post. Pat yourselves on the back...you got me to fall off the wagon. Hope I cut too deep so I can haunt all your asses.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent," is a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt that comes to mind here. Likewise, I think compulsions can certainly be triggered, but we all have the power to turn away from them and toward healthier choices. Perhaps reminding yourself of that power within will be helpful in your recovery. Blaming can feel good, but it's unproductive.

 

[quietlylooking]

Feeling a little devastated right now. Here's the situation: There is this guy. I guess you could call him my dream guy. We've never really interacted but I have seen him around. I am a shy person and could never speak up. I just found out that his girlfriend may be pregnant and that they eloped. He never knew I was alive which hurts like hell. Very depressed now. How would you deal with this? I know its immature but I feel a real potent hatred for that woman right now.

This is a reoccurring theme in my life. Which makes this even more sad. I have a sickening pit in the stomach right now. Trying not to cry.

I've been thinking about this post for some time now. It's been decades since I've had an unrequited crush, but I do remember both the glorious, drug-like feeling I had when it seemed to be heading my direction and the really horrible feelings when I realized the possibility of a relationship was mostly (probably, as I never found out) in my mind, and he loved someone else. I do remember what helped me get over it was to force myself to have GOOD thoughts about the object of his attentions. To really make myself see all of her good traits; not in a way that put myself down at all, but made me actually like her and feel good about their relationship. It was not easy, but in the end, it really did help.

Another strategy that might work in the future: try to have more than one crush at a time... so you always have a plan B. It sounds lame, but it was helpful in my youth.

It's not easy, but learning to control your emotions and really direct your thinking in positive ways can be done, and it really, really helps. Good luck.

 

[DesEsseintes]

try to have more than one crush at a time... so you always have a plan B

On this one, you could do worse than learn from the experts in AmPics.

 

[quietlylooking]

On this one, you could do worse than learn from the experts in AmPics.

I did read this somewhere recently; is that where? I thought it summed up my high school strategy rather nicely.

 

[BareThrills]

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent," is a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt that comes to mind here. Likewise, I think compulsions can certainly be triggered, but we all have the power to turn away from them and toward healthier choices. Perhaps reminding yourself of that power within will be helpful in your recovery. laming can feel good, but it's unproductive.

I want to know you...this is a f'king brilliant post.

Specific to the OP but I think anybody reading the thread can learn from this.

Thank you.