Brutalized By Beauty

[FrankiFiori]

I am brand new, posting for the first time. I started this story back in 2007. I had submitted chapters from my romance novel to a publisher, not realizing she was an Erotica publisher. She read my chapters and responded, asking me if I would be interested in writing erotica, which I had never before considered. I started writing this story and submitted it to her. She wanted me to work with her editors to get it ready for publishing, but I chickened out, thinking at the time that Erotica was too taboo. Gasp!

Years later, on New Year's Eve 2014, I stumbled across the story and decided to finish it. I realize now how fortunate I was to find a publisher who was interested in publishing me back then, when I was still intent on self-sabotage. Anyhow, I am no longer afraid, so here is my story! I hope anyone who reads it enjoys! -Franki Fiori

https://www.literotica.com/s/brutalized-by-beauty

 

[Combat323]

So, you just posting for people to enjoy, or are you looking for feedback?

 

[LadyVer]

First, delete the first paragraph. It isn't needed.

Second, work on your verb tenses. Simple past is usually enough.

Third, you've got some wordiness to work on.

Fourth, I read about 12 paragraphs and stopped here: "You have not been touched by a man in some time," he said. Well, I guess she hasn't been touched by a man for some time since he made it clear he would court her for a year, not talk to her during the year, and made it a point to never spend time with her when they were at the same events. So, he hasn't talked to her for a year and yet he knows she is still pure. Meanwhile, she's fantasizing about him fucking her from behind. As a reader, it feels like things have been left out.

I think you're a good writer. Your basic mechanics are good and you have a good vocabulary. I would have liked to have gotten to the end of the story, but it was too much work to suspend believability.

Anyway, I mean no offense. And if I've offended you, I apologize.

Good luck with your story.

 

[slyc_willie]

I'm going to echo some of what LadyVer has mentioned. There are some confusing verb tenses, to say the least.

The first few paragraphs were an enormous info dump. I understand that you are setting the scene, but for me, personally, when characters are introduced by their (more or less) full formal name, I feel like I'm being force-fed a bunch of banal information that could be better worked into the story through more clever means.

Better to introduce Mariano simply by his first name; his surname isn't all that important up front, is it? The same with Isabel. There's a certain level of innate intimacy granted by using the characters' first names only; doing so makes them closer to the reader. Conversely, if you identify them formally, they become inherently aloof.

Beyond that, just piling on the information about the characters' pasts and thought processes makes me yawn and look for something on the TV to distract me. Don't just throw a bunch of information at me that might or might not be relevant right off the bat. Introduce it in stages and, preferably, through a more personal style than simply telling me. Make me read it in the dialogue between characters, or as the result of moments of introspection.

Lastly, I feel that Mariano and Isabel are both of "privileged" status, which (hopefully) accounts for the way they speak. No one really talks the way they do outside of a fanciful Hollywood film script set in Victorian England . . . or, at least, how people today think people in Victorian England would speak. So they are either privileged and melodramatic, or acting out some LARP scenario.

Now . . . if your aim was to set the stage in some fanciful Victorian/upper crust setting, you get marks there. That the story is placed in BDSM makes me wonder if it would not be better situated in Romance, or Erotic Couplings. Frankly, I'm sniffing a few fumes of Fifty Shades, which itself is confusing and misdirected.

All in all, this is very much a male-centric story, with assumptions made by a male author as to what his antagonist would and could know in regards to moving the story along for a supposedly swooning female audience. There is a place for that, of course, but in the BDSM category -- or Romance -- I doubt it would go far. Better to throw it into Erotic Couplings, or consider a serious rewrite.

 

[FrankiFiori]

So, you just posting for people to enjoy, or are you looking for feedback?

I would love as much feedback as possible! So, far it's been pretty negative, so buyer beware! but, even the negative is positive for me. I have no idea how to use this site and have literally had to Google my story's title to even find the feedback, but I will keep trying to figure it out. Thanks!

 

[FrankiFiori]

Thank you all so much for the feedback!

I'm going to echo some of what LadyVer has mentioned. There are some confusing verb tenses, to say the least.

The first few paragraphs were an enormous info dump. I understand that you are setting the scene, but for me, personally, when characters are introduced by their (more or less) full formal name, I feel like I'm being force-fed a bunch of banal information that could be better worked into the story through more clever means.

Better to introduce Mariano simply by his first name; his surname isn't all that important up front, is it? The same with Isabel. There's a certain level of innate intimacy granted by using the characters' first names only; doing so makes them closer to the reader. Conversely, if you identify them formally, they become inherently aloof.

Beyond that, just piling on the information about the characters' pasts and thought processes makes me yawn and look for something on the TV to distract me. Don't just throw a bunch of information at me that might or might not be relevant right off the bat. Introduce it in stages and, preferably, through a more personal style than simply telling me. Make me read it in the dialogue between characters, or as the result of moments of introspection.

Lastly, I feel that Mariano and Isabel are both of "privileged" status, which (hopefully) accounts for the way they speak. No one really talks the way they do outside of a fanciful Hollywood film script set in Victorian England . . . or, at least, how people today think people in Victorian England would speak. So they are either privileged and melodramatic, or acting out some LARP scenario.

Now . . . if your aim was to set the stage in some fanciful Victorian/upper crust setting, you get marks there. That the story is placed in BDSM makes me wonder if it would not be better situated in Romance, or Erotic Couplings. Frankly, I'm sniffing a few fumes of Fifty Shades, which itself is confusing and misdirected.

All in all, this is very much a male-centric story, with assumptions made by a male author as to what his antagonist would and could know in regards to moving the story along for a supposedly swooning female audience. There is a place for that, of course, but in the BDSM category -- or Romance -- I doubt it would go far. Better to throw it into Erotic Couplings, or consider a serious rewrite.

 

[FrankiFiori]

No offense taken at all! I so appreciate your insightful feedback. I am realizing that my story is placed in the wrong section on this site all together and this thread has been helpful in that way alone. My aim was to set this in no specific time or place, but definitely with a fanciful Victorian/upper crust vibe, in which deep human desires bypass all of that. Isabel never agreed by way of word or contract that she would not be touched by another man, she simply fell under his captivation and thus shut herself off to other men, as he assumed she would, as he wanted her to. He is attempting to confirm his suspicion when he brings it up to her. I'm sorry you were not compelled enough to keep reading, but thanks anyway!

 

[Combat323]

As I read this, I felt like it was written by someone who knew how to craft a sentence and develop a story, but was trying too hard to write something that sounded like literature.

The third paragraph would be better in simple past tense, without all those conditional "woulds."

The "woulds" are okay in Isabel's little fantasy in the fourth and fifth paragraphs. The problem there, I think, is that it could be more firmly grounded in her point of view. If she's fully immersed in the fantasy instead of floating detached above it, she would hear him enter the ladies room and lock the door; and she would feel something. There might be some physiological sensation connected to that emotion: a shudder, a chill, a racing heart, a sharp intake of breath. This is the first part of the story that feels like a scene rather than a summary, and it would be improved by less narrative distance, which is aided by a focused point-of-view.

Actually, more fully inhabiting Isabel as the POV character would improve the entire piece.

"Since well before we met," he continued. "You have not been touched by a man since before we met, have you?"

I think you need to cut the second "..since before we met.."

By the time I got halfway through the second page, I felt like I had seen too many "hads." It was like semi-permanent past perfect tense.

Also, throughout the story, there are a lot of -ing verbs. I recommend cutting them back; at least in part because it will force you to change some repetitive structure.

He lowered her into the tub and she whimpered as the water scaled her skin

I assume you meant "scalded," unless you meant that the water was climbing her skin.

Finally, there are a few places where the order of the sentence should be switched or where subject-verb attribution are momentarily confusing:

After a year of fantasizing, an invitation arrived on Isabel's doorstep

The invitation fantasized for a year?

Mariano poured Isabel a glass of port in his penthouse suite

I'd find another way to establish that they're in his penthouse suite before he pours her the glass of port. It sounds for an instant like he's pouring a glass of port into his penthouse suite.

She spoke not but fixed her stare on the twinkling lights,

We don't need to be told that she didn't speak. Just show us her doing something else until he interrupts the silence with his next line.

I thought you were going for kind of a period piece until he pulled the sleek platinum vibrator from the drawer. After that the "...she spoke not..." and "...she dared not..." struck me as more stilted. I felt like Mr. Darcy had just rode off on his Segway.

Now, this is kind of nit-picky, but I think the only part of Moonlight Sonata that could be described as "frenzied" is the third movement. The vast majority of readers, most of whom haven't played piano, will be familiar with only the first movement, which is anything but frenzied. Again, I know it's something that won't even be a minor speed bump for most readers.

So, overall, I'd say it's a mechanically sound story. In my opinion, the main thing that needs attention is the sort of clinical narrative distance. It kept me from really empathizing with Isabel or experiencing the story along with her.

 

[FrankiFiori]

Never in my wildest dreams would I expect to receive such detailed and thoughtful feedback on an online erotica site! I must admit, I am reeling a bit from such, because it's not for the faint of heart, but, wow, I feel like I am growing as a writer as I take my medicine. Thank you so much!

First, delete the first paragraph. It isn't needed.

Second, work on your verb tenses. Simple past is usually enough.

Third, you've got some wordiness to work on.

Fourth, I read about 12 paragraphs and stopped here: "You have not been touched by a man in some time," he said. Well, I guess she hasn't been touched by a man for some time since he made it clear he would court her for a year, not talk to her during the year, and made it a point to never spend time with her when they were at the same events. So, he hasn't talked to her for a year and yet he knows she is still pure. Meanwhile, she's fantasizing about him fucking her from behind. As a reader, it feels like things have been left out.

I think you're a good writer. Your basic mechanics are good and you have a good vocabulary. I would have liked to have gotten to the end of the story, but it was too much work to suspend believability.

Anyway, I mean no offense. And if I've offended you, I apologize.

Good luck with your story.

As I read this, I felt like it was written by someone who knew how to craft a sentence and develop a story, but was trying too hard to write something that sounded like literature.

The third paragraph would be better in simple past tense, without all those conditional "woulds."

The "woulds" are okay in Isabel's little fantasy in the fourth and fifth paragraphs. The problem there, I think, is that it could be more firmly grounded in her point of view. If she's fully immersed in the fantasy instead of floating detached above it, she would hear him enter the ladies room and lock the door; and she would feel something. There might be some physiological sensation connected to that emotion: a shudder, a chill, a racing heart, a sharp intake of breath. This is the first part of the story that feels like a scene rather than a summary, and it would be improved by less narrative distance, which is aided by a focused point-of-view.

Actually, more fully inhabiting Isabel as the POV character would improve the entire piece.


I think you need to cut the second "..since before we met.."

By the time I got halfway through the second page, I felt like I had seen too many "hads." It was like semi-permanent past perfect tense.

Also, throughout the story, there are a lot of -ing verbs. I recommend cutting them back; at least in part because it will force you to change some repetitive structure.

I assume you meant "scalded," unless you meant that the water was climbing her skin.

Finally, there are a few places where the order of the sentence should be switched or where subject-verb attribution are momentarily confusing:
The invitation fantasized for a year?

I'd find another way to establish that they're in his penthouse suite before he pours her the glass of port. It sounds for an instant like he's pouring a glass of port into his penthouse suite.

We don't need to be told that she didn't speak. Just show us her doing something else until he interrupts the silence with his next line.

I thought you were going for kind of a period piece until he pulled the sleek platinum vibrator from the drawer. After that the "...she spoke not..." and "...she dared not..." struck me as more stilted. I felt like Mr. Darcy had just rode off on his Segway.

Now, this is kind of nit-picky, but I think the only part of Moonlight Sonata that could be described as "frenzied" is the third movement. The vast majority of readers, most of whom haven't played piano, will be familiar with only the first movement, which is anything but frenzied. Again, I know it's something that won't even be a minor speed bump for most readers.

So, overall, I'd say it's a mechanically sound story. In my opinion, the main thing that needs attention is the sort of clinical narrative distance. It kept me from really empathizing with Isabel or experiencing the story along with her.

 

[slyc_willie]

Never in my wildest dreams would I expect to receive such detailed and thoughtful feedback on an online erotica site! I must admit, I am reeling a bit from such, because it's not for the faint of heart, but, wow, I feel like I am growing as a writer as I take my medicine. Thank you so much!

And thank you for being gracious. When I first posted here (some eight-plus years ago), I didn't take my writing too seriously. In some ways, I still don't. But after one of my stories was shredded by someone I consider to be a very good writer, I decided to buck up.

Like the Oracle said to Neo: "You got the gift. But it looks like you're waiting for something."