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JAMESBJOHNSON

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Submit your wares for a psychological-proctological assessment, I hate everything, starting with you, candy-ass.
 
Is this a review thread? Pilot is going to get mad at you for vigilante criticism.:eek:
 
lovecraft68 said:
Is this a review thread? Pilot is going to get mad at you for vigilante criticism.:eek:
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PILOT argues no one can smell a fart if they aren't board certified eye, ears, nose and throat. And no anal sex if you aren't a licensed proctologist!

We know, of course, that his military experience was entirely making bulletins stapled to paychecks. I suspect his newsletter was the real PILOT (name).
 
Roses or sewer gas? Lets fill our nostrils with your scent.
 
lovecraft68 said:
Sniff away

https://www.literotica.com/s/that-damn-red-dress

The squicky side of incest
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I read all of it and scored it 5 STARZ. I get why youre popular at LIT. Your style likely resonates with readers who come from alcoholic homes. I recognized some of my kin in the story. Your dialog is better than most. And the story stays on track and is logical. You remind me of Truman Capote. When the wind is right I sense his aroma in your writing.

What I dislike are mostly my own quirks and taste. You wrote GHOST, and I'm not a GHOST fan, but DAMN it was popular. I mean, yours is not GHOST per se, but its GHOST in spirit. Just backwards and upside down. I'm glad Nicole isn't Whoopi.

That said: FIVE STARS, GREAT DIALOG, ON THE MONEY, CAPOTE, it has two things I noticed: Ayn Rand called one of them THE HADS. Too many passive verbs. If the story is good enough, as is yours, they don't hurt. Theyre like hose runs on gorgeous legs. The 2nd note involves ING words. I was tempted to estimate how many, and its prolly less than 5% of the total word count, but they stick out. Passive verbs and gerunds dull the edge of good writing.

And that's where you are these days, almost excellent. Go for the edge.
 
JAMESBJOHNSON said:
I read all of it and scored it 5 STARZ. I get why youre popular at LIT. Your style likely resonates with readers who come from alcoholic homes. I recognized some of my kin in the story. Your dialog is better than most. And the story stays on track and is logical. You remind me of Truman Capote. When the wind is right I sense his aroma in your writing.

What I dislike are mostly my own quirks and taste. You wrote GHOST, and I'm not a GHOST fan, but DAMN it was popular. I mean, yours is not GHOST per se, but its GHOST in spirit. Just backwards and upside down. I'm glad Nicole isn't Whoopi.

That said: FIVE STARS, GREAT DIALOG, ON THE MONEY, CAPOTE, it has two things I noticed: Ayn Rand called one of them THE HADS. Too many passive verbs. If the story is good enough, as is yours, they don't hurt. Theyre like hose runs on gorgeous legs. The 2nd note involves ING words. I was tempted to estimate how many, and its prolly less than 5% of the total word count, but they stick out. Passive verbs and gerunds dull the edge of good writing.

And that's where you are these days, almost excellent. Go for the edge.
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Can you elaborate on the Ghost comparison? Not sure on the connection.

I am working on the "ing" words especially 'starting and beginning' and trying to ditch the hads, but admittedly having a hard time with them.

Better than I used to be, not as good as I can be, but trying to get there.

Thanks for the taking the time to check it out.
 
lovecraft68 said:
Can you elaborate on the Ghost comparison? Not sure on the connection.

I am working on the "ing" words especially 'starting and beginning' and trying to ditch the hads, but admittedly having a hard time with them.

Better than I used to be, not as good as I can be, but trying to get there.

Thanks for the taking the time to check it out.
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In GHOST Patrick Swayze is dead. Demi Moore is his wife. Whoopi Goldberg is the medium by which they have sex. In your tale Nicole is the Whoopi person for Dad to connect to mom (Laura?).

No, youre much better than several years ago. In 5 years youll likely be a best seller.
 
You two should start a vaudeville act. Probably both badly need the money anyway.
 
You two children seem to have had a giggly time all over the boards today. Doesn't take much to entertain you. Haven't read much of it and some of it has been erased, but it must have really been titilating for everyone. As I posted, you should start up an act to do at elementary schools during the lunch hours. :D
 
sr71plt said:
You two children seem to have had a giggly time all over the boards today. Doesn't take much to entertain you. Haven't read much of it and some of it has been erased, but it must have really been titilating for everyone. As I posted, you should start up an act to do at elementary schools during the lunch hours. :D
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Oh, look he admits to following us around the boards. Sounds like an obsession to me.

And here he is again with...."Post, I must post! I must make this thread about me! I must be relevant!"

Think you walked right into what JBJ wanted. Not the first time, won't be the last.
 
sr71plt said:
You two children seem to have had a giggly time all over the boards today. Doesn't take much to entertain you. Haven't read much of it and some of it has been erased, but it must have really been titilating for everyone. As I posted, you should start up an act to do at elementary schools during the lunch hours. :D
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You need your own site so we're designing LITEROTCIA for you.
 
Okay, I'll bite. Got nothing to fear from you, after all.

TNT, Ch. 01

There are eight parts total. It's got twin sociopath brothers who are also lovers, a foreign-born cop and his lesbian partner (in the rewrite for publication I'm thinking I'll identify her as intersexed), and some grisly murders. Probably not your cup of tea, Jimmy, but I'd be interested to see your assessment.

Have fun. ;)
 
http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2013/02/08/article-0-1760FFA9000005DC-73_634x434.jpg



FINDING THE PERFECT COSTUME by Glynndah

https://www.literotica.com/s/finding-the-perfect-costume

This is an oldie but goodie that's underscored by readers. I scored it 4 starz, and its 5 Star material if you re-write the ending. The ending is clever, Glynndah's hallmark, but doesn't pack a wallop which this tale is made for. Its a horror story about an old wedding gown. Miss Havisham and Estella came to mind immediately. RE-WRITE THE END!!!

One page is a plus. Us horror readers like WHAM BAM THANK YOU MAAM, but this tale wont suffer with more. It begs for more. Keep GREAT EXPECTATIONS in the back of your mind if you want inspiration.

Your horror style reminds me of GAHAN WILSON, the droll Playboy cartoonist as clever as you but over the top. He published a book of horror stories. I suspect youre capable of over the top. Push it or nudge it there.

The only fault I found in this jewel is too many pronouns. Its one of my many sins. Edit!

http://images.barnesandnoble.com/pImages/bn-review/2009/1214/gahanwilson_AF.jpg

Note to reader: See how the illustrations are similar tho one is humor and the other is melodrama. Humor and melodrama share the same traits.
 
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Alrighty...I'll bite.

It's a short one -- only 2 pages, submitted 7 years ago. I can see things that should be changed, and I'm thinking about rewriting to fix some technical issues and polish it. I'm looking for a true cross-section of authors to critique this one, so I'd appreciate your thoughts. I don't think it's particularly to your taste, but maybe you won't hate it as bad as my fem dom stories :D So have at it, sir...

Disclaimer: all characters are over 18, and that is specifically stated in the story, but if I rewrite I will put a note about that at the very beginning.

Wild Cat
 
Katiecat said:
Alrighty...I'll bite.

It's a short one -- only 2 pages, submitted 7 years ago. I can see things that should be changed, and I'm thinking about rewriting to fix some technical issues and polish it. I'm looking for a true cross-section of authors to critique this one, so I'd appreciate your thoughts. I don't think it's particularly to your taste, but maybe you won't hate it as bad as my fem dom stories :D So have at it, sir...

Disclaimer: all characters are over 18, and that is specifically stated in the story, but if I rewrite I will put a note about that at the very beginning.

Wild Cat
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Your style reminds me of Erskine Caldwell's pornier works, TOBACCO ROAD comes to mind. That book, tho, involved much younger kids. I'm surprised so many readers liked his books, considering the times, but they were on the money in terms of human nature and reader satisfaction. I've known plenty of girls like Cat.

Psychologically, Cat is what I call POLARITY RESPONSIVE. Fifty years ago we used something we called REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY on such stubborn people. It still works. Theyre easy to manipulate, such as Cat is. But her not wanting unprotected sex surprised me, most do, most want pregnancy. Its my training talking NOT fault-finding. I saw plenty of 20 year old unwed moms 25 years ago.

Suggestion: About the only suggestion I offer is, Cat comes across as an immature 16 year old. Eighteen year olds are a bit more sophisticated and subtle...not a lot, but slightly more polished. Consider writing about a Cat who stalks the head master, appearing inside his home etc. They do such things. He goes to the garage with the trash, and there Cat is, lying in the back seat of Wifeys car.

Your dialog is good, and your organization (logical trail) is good.

Read John O'Hara's RAGE TO LIVE. Its an old timer about wanton teen girls who scandalize their families and communities.
 
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slyc_willie said:
Okay, I'll bite. Got nothing to fear from you, after all.

TNT, Ch. 01

There are eight parts total. It's got twin sociopath brothers who are also lovers, a foreign-born cop and his lesbian partner (in the rewrite for publication I'm thinking I'll identify her as intersexed), and some grisly murders. Probably not your cup of tea, Jimmy, but I'd be interested to see your assessment.

Have fun. ;)
Click to expand...

I read one page so far. Its not my cuppa tea but I read Clive Barker and Poppy Z. Brite. I'm responsive to the story, not the sex. So bear with me till I finish reading and making notes. So far I noted some story conflicts (spacious apartment, modest apartment) but nothing to fret about. I wanna see where the story goes.

OK, I read it. I'm surprised its much better than I expected. It needs polishing in that it has too many adverbs, and the brothers woulda been caught on security cams as they moved thru the hotel. I did something similar on one occasion...I removed a pol from a building in a laundry cart, we went through many clueless reporters and cameras. I borrowed a janitors uniform and wheeled him out the door, around the building to a waiting van. Your tale will be a bit more plausible if the brothers look like staff. Its very good and will be better with some minor editing. You kinda remind me of Clive Barker, only better. 4 starz for now, prolly 5 later.
 
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slyc_willie said:
Okay, I'll bite. Got nothing to fear from you, after all.

TNT, Ch. 01

There are eight parts total. It's got twin sociopath brothers who are also lovers, a foreign-born cop and his lesbian partner (in the rewrite for publication I'm thinking I'll identify her as intersexed), and some grisly murders. Probably not your cup of tea, Jimmy, but I'd be interested to see your assessment.

Have fun. ;)
Click to expand...

Sounds like something I'd like...I'll have to check it out
 
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