BDSM Threesome Scenario

[ElectricBlues]

The story is in essence a second person objective description of a BDSM themed threesome. The "protagonist" (for lack of a better term) is a submissive of unspecified gender.

Bound, gagged and blindfolded, all they can do is listen to the sounds of their two dominants talking, flirting, preparing the evening's scene and maybe having sex.

The idea is to build as much tension in the prelude to the submissive actually being acted upon as possible.

I'm not sure if it would be best to draft this as a short story, ending just as the 'scene' begins in earnest, writing a full scene after the build up or to post it in SRP and see where the wind blows it.

Any thoughts?

 

[TheMalevolence]

I can't say much, but to be honest if I'd clicked onto that story, I would leave during the first paragraph, since I absolutely HATE second person stories. The "Writers Resources" scrubs say it's "More Immersive" and "More Intresting", but I find them the best possible way to secure a shitty ranking from people like myself.

 

[lovecraft68]

I wonder if the OP means third person, "Laura was on her knees bound and blindfolded, straining to hear the furtive whispers of her masters"

That's third and it would work, so would first...second...meh.

 

[TheMalevolence]

To clarify to those who might be confused; Second person would be: "You're on your knees bound and blindfolded, straining to hear the furtive whispers of your masters" (Nice word, Furtve. BTW)

I always found it really annoying, especially since the only way it makes sense is if the reader recently had a very bad concussion. Why else would I want to be told what I was doing? I've seen a story or two make it work by establishing within the first, 3rd person, paragraph that you'd got drunk and had a one night stand, joined a mutual masturbation session, etc, etc. But here? Not so much.

 

[Everyday_Man]

I always found it really annoying, especially since the only way it makes sense is if the reader recently had a very bad concussion. Why else would I want to be told what I was doing?

Ha, I found this really funny to say out loud.

 

[lovecraft68]

To clarify to those who might be confused; Second person would be: "You're on your knees bound and blindfolded, straining to hear the furtive whispers of your masters" (Nice word, Furtve. BTW)

I always found it really annoying, especially since the only way it makes sense is if the reader recently had a very bad concussion. Why else would I want to be told what I was doing? I've seen a story or two make it work by establishing within the first, 3rd person, paragraph that you'd got drunk and had a one night stand, joined a mutual masturbation session, etc, etc. But here? Not so much.

To me it has a creepy feel to it, like any minute I'll get "You're getting sleepy, very very sleepy, you want to give me all your money..."

I've never tried that style, but it seems like it would be a lot of work to maintain it.

 

[ElectricBlues]

Maintaining the style isn't a huge problem when considering the story is planned to be pretty short (probably falling in the flash fiction range of just over 1000 words, but definitely not running more than 3000).

A worry I had was that going any further in the second person would step from being immersive to being creepy. The last thing I want for this story is for it to sound like an NC or "drugged" story.

 

[lovecraft68]

Maintaining the style isn't a huge problem when considering the story is planned to be pretty short (probably falling in the flash fiction range of just over 1000 words, but definitely not running more than 3000).

A worry I had was that going any further in the second person would step from being immersive to being creepy. The last thing I want for this story is for it to sound like an NC or "drugged" story.

It could easily become creepy.

The thing is second person and sometimes forst can be creepy and have a non consent feel to it (even if unintended) because you're in the head of the "victim" so you the reader experience what they do, which in this situation could carry a strong squick factor...unless in non con then I am sure it works, but you don't want that.

If you use third person...there is not that direct connection with the sub, you aren't getting their thoughts, but more their reactions to what happens you are describing more in narrative and not "I cried out when he..." or "You cry out in pain when your nipples are clamped"

Just a suggestion.

 

[TheMalevolence]

Oh, and earlier I was talking about PAST tense second person stories. PRESENT tense second person stories (You cry out as your nipples are clamped) are all ridiculous. I'm currently being told what I'M doing? That's a crazy idea! The only place that works is a low quality SRP.

 

[ElectricBlues]

Thanks for the feedback guys.

A quick follow up: Do you think first person or third person would work better?

I'm leaning towards first person at the moment.

I tend to write a lot of third person so it might be crisper in that style, but it wouldn't have that same dramatic tension.

 

[lovecraft68]

Thanks for the feedback guys.

A quick follow up: Do you think first person or third person would work better?

I'm leaning towards first person at the moment.

I tend to write a lot of third person so it might be crisper in that style, but it wouldn't have that same dramatic tension.

First is very effective in erotica, it let's the reader feel what the character is feeling.

But because there is supposed to be a feeling that she has no idea what is coming, third might work especially if you are comfortable with that style

my suggestion is to simply start in first and decide how it feels to you, if it seems to be dragging try third.