Sex after abuse

[Beth87]

I have noticed there has been a rise in the number of people disclosing their pasts. Which is AMAZING, so brave.

Kinda feels like a gap is there to discuss the subject but as it's LIT, start with a more obvious topic and if people want to meander, meander away

 

[Beth87]

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[vidiman]

Hi Beth

Juts a quick response to wish this thread well - not sure I have a great deal to offer - by way of advice.

I am someone who has had a fair deal of counselling in my life to help with 'emotional expression' - so I have discovered that learning stuff about yourself and your background can shed new light on things and lead to awareness, options and then choice.

My family is quite secretive / isolationist - and very non expressive / demonstrative of emotive stuff.

I believe that somewhere in the background there has been some abuse toward my mother from maybe her father - no one will discuss this and I ma the only one who seems to have tried to get it out in the opne - so to speak.

Happy to discuss if this is of any value.

 

[Beth87]

I think peer support is more important than advice that's what gave me the most value. I'm happy to discuss whatever people are comfortable sharing. Interpersonal relationships have a big impact on us, especially when they are dysfunctional. I can relate to a secretive family. And I use the term family loosely because we're individuals who have shared living space at some point. Not really family where there is loyalty and respect. Or whatever it is that familes have

Thanks for being willing to open up

 

[Beth87]

Hi Beth. Good to have you here again and glad to hear you've found someone to share your life and experience with. This thread is a good idea. I hope it will stimulate some useful discussion.

Hello and thank you x x

 

[vidiman]

I think peer support is more important than advice that's what gave me the most value. I'm happy to discuss whatever people are comfortable sharing. Interpersonal relationships have a big impact on us, especially when they are dysfunctional. I can relate to a secretive family. And I use the term family loosely because we're individuals who have shared living space at some point. Not really family where there is loyalty and respect. Or whatever it is that familes have

Thanks for being willing to open up

Yes indeed - for me every conversation I have - someone might just throw something in that gives me a bit more 'enlightenment'
Th4 smallest thing that might have been said as a throw away line - can be very useful for me.

In your post above - dysfunctional is so pertinent - as is the loose term of family. I spent years visiting my dad and felling like I was going for an interview or seeing a doctor. The bizarre thing is he probably feels the same - our dysfunction is not being able to bridge that feeling.

 

[Beth87]

Yes indeed - for me every conversation I have - someone might just throw something in that gives me a bit more 'enlightenment'
Th4 smallest thing that might have been said as a throw away line - can be very useful for me.

In your post above - dysfunctional is so pertinent - as is the loose term of family. I spent years visiting my dad and felling like I was going for an interview or seeing a doctor. The bizarre thing is he probably feels the same - our dysfunction is not being able to bridge that feeling.

It's highly likely that one or both my parents fit the criteria for mental health. One parent very cold and telling me I didn't love them. The other constantly asking if we did. Does make you wonder if you are physically incapable of showing love because they just aren't seeing it. But the truth was, and still is, they're the ones who cannot display love appropriately. Either cold or blurred into a sexual relationship. Both of my parents would try to goad me into violence..presumably to justify their actions to themselves..and then play the victim to others about how difficult I was to deal with.

Wtf... I've been in therapy for quite some time but it's taken me until now to really discuss my family. My parents turned my siblings away from me, told me I was evil and the reason for ALL the problems at home, that I wasn't wanted. BUT wouldn't kick me out when they wanted to because then they would look like bad parents. So I endured their cruelty until I was kicked out - initially at 18 but me being in streets would look bad so didn't actually get removed until accommodation was found with charity at 19.

It took some years after that before I could even entertain the idea that my childhood wasn't perfect. Always told to keep what happened at home, at home. Always told how lucky we were because we had food and water. We didn't have it as bad as they had. Beg to friggin differ but I didn't know it was abuse then.

 

[Beth87]

I think my parents want to connect but there's no way that's happening in a way that's safe for me. I lose my identity when I'm with them too much. Being with them is a literal enactment of that dream people have where they are talking and no one listens. - unless they want something.

 

[Beth87]

Yes indeed - for me every conversation I have - someone might just throw something in that gives me a bit more 'enlightenment'
Th4 smallest thing that might have been said as a throw away line - can be very useful for me.

In your post above - dysfunctional is so pertinent - as is the loose term of family. I spent years visiting my dad and felling like I was going for an interview or seeing a doctor. The bizarre thing is he probably feels the same - our dysfunction is not being able to bridge that feeling.

I imagine it's quite difficult feeling that you both want to connect, but aren't. We all get sucked into relating to each other in the same ways all the time. Especially if one perosn is quite good at manipulating or engineering the interaction to their needs. It means we then have to follow the "script" or be punished in some way - confrontation or withdrawal of connection

 

[dizzyegg]

I think anyone on here who can pour out their life histories and articulate the more brutal and painful aspects of their lives deserve a medal and enthusiastic applause. I simply can't do it. I shut down. Keep it boxed away behind a concrete wall patrolled by men with machine guns.

Of course professional help is an option and it never worked for me. And I never attempted to build any bridges with family. Quite the opposite, I poured on gasoline and threw a naked match and watched said bridges burn.

That all said I hope you discover a method that works for you and allows you to live a happy life. Though I would imagine many people have a sad tale to tell which is a pretty sorry state of affairs in itself.

 

[Sheana_V]

Thanks for starting this thread Beth.

I was a victim of incest, and never really felt that I had a virginity to lose. At first this made me nervous about sex, and my nervousness I think made me a bigger target later. I became the victim of people I trusted in my teens and 20s. After the last time is when I started to become hypersexual. It was empowering for me, sex became something to do and engage with on my terms, not the whim of vile men (or women, one of my assaults was at the hand of a woman).

 

[vidiman]

I think anyone on here who can pour out their life histories and articulate the more brutal and painful aspects of their lives deserve a medal and enthusiastic applause. I simply can't do it. I shut down. Keep it boxed away behind a concrete wall patrolled by men with machine guns.

Of course professional help is an option and it never worked for me. And I never attempted to build any bridges with family. Quite the opposite, I poured on gasoline and threw a naked match and watched said bridges burn.

That all said I hope you discover a method that works for you and allows you to live a happy life. Though I would imagine many people have a sad tale to tell which is a pretty sorry state of affairs in itself.

Thanks for posting this - gives me a bit of insight.

 

[Setanta84]

I had the lovely combo of childhood poverty, a physically and verbally abusive father, a physically ill and emotionally abusive mother, lifelong history of cancer, and the joy of going through all that while being physically small, sick, near genius level IQ, left-leaning and--wait for it--living in a rural setting populated almost entirely by right-wing methed out bullies who hated the sick and weak almost as much as the smart and liberal.

So, yeah, charmed childhood.

My sex life has also been weird due to that. I was scared shitless of ending up trapped for life in my hometown so I avoided women throughout my teens to the point that everyone in the family questioned my sexuality.

Then, I went to a good school a few hundred miles from home and found out that being smart even by the standards of a good school, funny, and endowed kind of overrode the short, angry, and pale thing.

Since I've been dating, I've found that I attract EXTREMELY damaged women and am ill-equipped to spot them because, to me, being manipulative and kind of nuts is normal.

After getting engaged to a severely damaged person and having that person put me through my paces and discard me, I've made a conscious decision to take things easy for a while and focus on the job that pays the bills and my art life. I've been accepted to a few programs. We'll see how it goes.

 

[Beth87]

I think anyone on here who can pour out their life histories and articulate the more brutal and painful aspects of their lives deserve a medal and enthusiastic applause. I simply can't do it. I shut down. Keep it boxed away behind a concrete wall patrolled by men with machine guns.

Of course professional help is an option and it never worked for me. And I never attempted to build any bridges with family. Quite the opposite, I poured on gasoline and threw a naked match and watched said bridges burn.

That all said I hope you discover a method that works for you and allows you to live a happy life. Though I would imagine many people have a sad tale to tell which is a pretty sorry state of affairs in itself.

Courage comes in many forms and disclosing this stuff is difficult. Someone saying "me too" is equally as courageous as someone doing life story. In fact there may be people reading whose courage comes in the form of looking at this thread because they never would have before ..and doing so is causing their heart to race.

I'm certain everyone can heal. Our healed might not look the same, depending on so many factors but primarily because I'm not sure what my healed looks like now I've dx with mental health disorder. Hoping it looks the same

But I ve still had to try numerous therapies and resources to even get to where I am now. There are many different therapeutic theories but primarily what makes the difference is the relationship with the therapist. My last therapist was person centred..but female so I couldn't trust her enough to make huge progress. Current therapist is male and using psychotherapy - but he's very open and reactionary. I know when he thinks my parents have been ridiculous. Last week he raised his voice to correct a believe someone had implanted in me - that I couldn't be angry at my dad because he had been abused therefore he didn't know what he was doing was wrong. My therapist did not like that one bit..he was like that's bs. People still know right from wrong.

Thanks for starting this thread Beth.

I was a victim of incest, and never really felt that I had a virginity to lose. At first this made me nervous about sex, and my nervousness I think made me a bigger target later. I became the victim of people I trusted in my teens and 20s. After the last time is when I started to become hypersexual. It was empowering for me, sex became something to do and engage with on my terms, not the whim of vile men (or women, one of my assaults was at the hand of a woman).

Thank you for sharing with us

This may not be the case with you, but what I discovered about my responses was that the in control part was a myth. I couldn't function sexually without being told what to do - directly or via their explicit expression of what they liked. I was highly dependant on their approval. Beyond the scope of normal enjoyment, consent and appreciation.

My sexualisation lead to acting out and being dangerous. I didn't care about me and it didnt matter what people did to my body because it didn't feel like mine anyway. My mind was mine..no one could touch that.

Sometimes I want to say that I didn't cope very well with it. Eating disorder at 5 and then again in preteens to present. Self harming at 13, suicide attempts at 15. Alcohol and sex from 16. Doesn't sound like handling very well at all. Then I remember that you learn to survive any way you can. And I'm here now, by mostly the grace of God or some other being. And the "mental illnesses" are really just labels for how trauma is affecting me at this moment. Hopefully therapy will reduce those enough

 

[Beth87]

I had the lovely combo of childhood poverty, a physically and verbally abusive father, a physically ill and emotionally abusive mother, lifelong history of cancer, and the joy of going through all that while being physically small, sick, near genius level IQ, left-leaning and--wait for it--living in a rural setting populated almost entirely by right-wing methed out bullies who hated the sick and weak almost as much as the smart and liberal.

So, yeah, charmed childhood.

My sex life has also been weird due to that. I was scared shitless of ending up trapped for life in my hometown so I avoided women throughout my teens to the point that everyone in the family questioned my sexuality.

Then, I went to a good school a few hundred miles from home and found out that being smart even by the standards of a good school, funny, and endowed kind of overrode the short, angry, and pale thing.

Since I've been dating, I've found that I attract EXTREMELY damaged women and am ill-equipped to spot them because, to me, being manipulative and kind of nuts is normal.

After getting engaged to a severely damaged person and having that person put me through my paces and discard me, I've made a conscious decision to take things easy for a while and focus on the job that pays the bills and my art life. I've been accepted to a few programs. We'll see how it goes.

Hi x

I think some space will afford you some time to look at those manipulative behaviours. I'm almost positive that we're all born with a healthy self concept. We all know when we don't deserve to be treated that way..but repeated butting against the opinions of parents or other abusive significant others forces that instinct aside.

I think when we believe we deserve better (like we used to believe) then we recognise other people's bad treatment much easier. We're human, obviously , so we may still be manipulated along the way but it's no sign against us. Trusting people to treat us with the respect we deserve (which would be a lot) does not mean we are weak or deserve poor treatment. It simply means we have been in contact with someone who doesn't know how to interact with others in a healthy way.

I hope your break helps you build self esteem and know you never deserved any of the poor treatment you received x

 

[Setanta84]

I think when we believe we deserve better (like we used to believe) then we recognise other people's bad treatment much easier. We're human, obviously , so we may still be manipulated along the way but it's no sign against us. Trusting people to treat us with the respect we deserve (which would be a lot) does not mean we are weak or deserve poor treatment. It simply means we have been in contact with someone who doesn't know how to interact with others in a healthy way.

Thanks. This is going to take a while to get over mainly because she was the first person I let down ALL my guards around. I let her completely in--she met my family. She heard all the horror stories. We got engaged. Planned the wedding. Even started mulling over names for kids--

--and then she betrayed me. And I found out the entire relationship was based on lies. And this happened when I was put on chemotherapy for the second time in my life.

Frankly, it hurt. And I'm angry. So fucking angry. And every time I think I'm getting a handle on it, something will trigger a memory or a feeling and I just want to fucking break things.

 

[Beth87]

Thanks. This is going to take a while to get over mainly because she was the first person I let down ALL my guards around. I let her completely in--she met my family. She heard all the horror stories. We got engaged. Planned the wedding. Even started mulling over names for kids--

--and then she betrayed me. And I found out the entire relationship was based on lies. And this happened when I was put on chemotherapy for the second time in my life.

Frankly, it hurt. And I'm angry. So fucking angry. And every time I think I'm getting a handle on it, something will trigger a memory or a feeling and I just want to fucking break things.

I'm glad you're angry; it's the healthy response to betrayal especially such a grievous one as this. Do you have a punching bag? That might help. When I'm angry I take a good stick and smash down the boxes waiting to be recycled

 

[Setanta84]

I'm glad you're angry; it's the healthy response to betrayal especially such a grievous one as this. Do you have a punching bag? That might help. When I'm angry I take a good stick and smash down the boxes waiting to be recycled

Meditation, art, walks, drinking heavily, casual sex with other professionals in my field and other artists, helping care for my nieces, and running my business are my main coping mechanisms these days. Those and drugs--psychiatric and illicit.

 

[Beth87]

A nice mix of good in with the not so good. Recognising the good ones is often the hardest. Especially when feelings burst up..I like drawing but never really remember to do it when I have lots of emotions

 

[Sheana_V]

This may not be the case with you, but what I discovered about my responses was that the in control part was a myth. I couldn't function sexually without being told what to do - directly or via their explicit expression of what they liked. I was highly dependant on their approval. Beyond the scope of normal enjoyment, consent and appreciation.

My sexualisation lead to acting out and being dangerous. I didn't care about me and it didnt matter what people did to my body because it didn't feel like mine anyway. My mind was mine..no one could touch that.

Sometimes I want to say that I didn't cope very well with it. Eating disorder at 5 and then again in preteens to present. Self harming at 13, suicide attempts at 15. Alcohol and sex from 16. Doesn't sound like handling very well at all. Then I remember that you learn to survive any way you can. And I'm here now, by mostly the grace of God or some other being. And the "mental illnesses" are really just labels for how trauma is affecting me at this moment. Hopefully therapy will reduce those enough

I definitely engage in unsafe behaviors, but being really smart helps me mitigate. I used to need approval from others, buy I don't anymore. I used to have eating disorder and body issues as well, but I seem to have gotten those under control. Managing my bipolar is more difficult. As far as my sexuality, I do think I call the shots now.

 

[Beth87]

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[fma20fma]

hi

Sex after abuse-that excites me more.

 

[Beth87]

Sex after abuse-that excites me more.

I can't tell if you're being inappropriate or not

 

[ukbicuriousguy]

I can't tell if you're being inappropriate or not

Ahem.. My money is on 'inappropriate'

My heart goes out to you Beth ... It's hard..

 

[Beth87]

Ahem.. My money is on 'inappropriate'

My heart goes out to you Beth ... It's hard..

Oh.. Luckily I'm blonde, then I can blame things passing me by on that

Thank you I had a really good year last year. Was stable for substantial amount of time, studying at college and uni and it was going awesome. Then it wobbled a bit. Now a lot because of lots of different stressors. Some days I just want to yell..when is this healing crap going to be over with. When can I just live and be happy.

It not that I'm unhappy per sa, I just can't even feel it when I am happy at the moment. Which sucks! I have a good therapist, he takes no shit from me I need that lol