new sub here, need advice

[ragdoll16]

Hello everyone. I am a female sub who has been with a male dom for almost 5 months now. I've always been very curious about D/S relationships for a long time now and this is my first one. Unfortunately with our living situations, we don't always have the privacy or environment to "play" but we have been able to a few times already and I really enjoyed being able to please him, as well as experiencing my personal sub space. Not every time involved sex, just more of a pain session with a flogger or my favorite; his bare hand. We do get to have sex often with some play involved though which is nice. Recently he told me he wants to me to play harder to get but to also take more initiative at the same time. Playing hard to get and taking more initiative are both very doable, I'm just having a hard time figuring out how to go about it. All I want is to please him, our communication is completely open, but I also want to take the initiative myself because I know that I'm more than capable of doing so. I can play hard to get, trust me, I just don't how I would show initiative if I'm making myself less attainable. Again, I'm new to all of this but I am also very open to advice and tips. Luckily for me, my dom is patient and understands that I'm very eager to please him. I would just like to be prepared for the next time he wants to play. Thanks in advanced ☺

 

[Primalex]

Playing hard to get and taking more initiative are both very doable, I'm just having a hard time figuring out how to go about it. All I want is to please him, our communication is completely open, but I also want to take the initiative myself because I know that I'm more than capable of doing so. I can play hard to get, trust me, I just don't how I would show initiative if I'm making myself less attainable.

Uhm...be hard to get when he approaches you and approach him on your own for sex...

Sorry, what was the question?

 

[ragdoll16]

If you didn't understand the question, then why post on here in the first place? No need to make things difficult.

 

[seela]

I think Primalex answered it perfectly.

He wants you to play hard to get when he's making advances to you, but he also wants you to initiate sex/play/new ideas more often as. Not both at the same time. Or at least that's how I'd understand such requests.

If you want to have a go at fulfilling them both at the same time, maybe tease him. Let him see a little skin or throw in some double entendres when you talk or something, but at the same time be coy when he starts to act on your teasing and let him understand it was never your intention to tease him and it was all in his head.

Or simply ask him to explain what he meant, that's probably your safest bet.

 

[ragdoll16]

Well I did ask him and he said to use my imagination.

 

[gorgeous_grl]

Haha, if it was my Dom he'd be vague like that so he could punish me on a misstep. I'd have to agree with those above, tease him a little bit make him believe it wasn't your intention that it's all in his head.

 

[MeekMe]

Well I did ask him and he said to use my imagination.

This is setting you up for failure. Whenever someone says something like this, they know what they want and they want you to be a mind reader. When you don't get it right they'll be upset because their fantasy wasn't fulfilled. Ask for clarification. It's not super sexy, but it's effective.

If he won't give you a more clear answer, you have nothing to go on. Just do what YOU want.

 

[seela]

Well I did ask him and he said to use my imagination.

Did you ask him specifically if he meant you should be both hard to get and show more initiative at the same time?

 

[ragdoll16]

Did you ask him specifically if he meant you should be both hard to get and show more initiative at the same time?

I did actually, that's when he said use my imagination. He also did say that I should play a little hard to get, but randomly just take pure initiative and do what ever I think will turn him on.

This is setting you up for failure. Whenever someone says something like this, they know what they want and they want you to be a mind reader. When you don't get it right they'll be upset because their fantasy wasn't fulfilled. Ask for clarification. It's not super sexy, but it's effective.

If he won't give you a more clear answer, you have nothing to go on. Just do what YOU want.

I don't really feel like he's setting me up for failure, I know he has faith in me to be able to please him since I've been doing good so far. That's exactly what I'm afraid of is asking him too many times to clarify what he wants. What's extremely confusing about the whole thing is that in past relationships that weren't d/s relationships, he told me he was always the one who initiated intimacy and after some time it felt like the girl just didn't want to have sex at all. So I feel like I've made it too easy for him and its becoming boring? He hasn't said that but that's how I feel. I don't want to say no to him when he initiates because I feel like that's what he wants at that moment especially since he's told me I've been the best he's had bed. I do initiate intimacy and I have no problem doing the work from time to time which hearing him say he wants more initiative on my part kind of makes me feel like I'm not pleasing him. Although he did say he wants a reason to punish me, I guess I've been TOO good of a girl so I can see why he would want me to deny him access. As you can see, I'm quite confused about it all. I've been doing my research into what makes a good sub, so I've been taking plenty of initiative but he doesn't know I've been spending more time on this because I haven't told him.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I did actually, that's when he said use my imagination. He also did say that I should play a little hard to get, but randomly just take pure initiative and do what ever I think will turn him on.



I don't really feel like he's setting me up for failure, I know he has faith in me to be able to please him since I've been doing good so far. That's exactly what I'm afraid of is asking him too many times to clarify what he wants. What's extremely confusing about the whole thing is that in past relationships that weren't d/s relationships, he told me he was always the one who initiated intimacy and after some time it felt like the girl just didn't want to have sex at all. So I feel like I've made it too easy for him and its becoming boring? He hasn't said that but that's how I feel. I don't want to say no to him when he initiates because I feel like that's what he wants at that moment especially since he's told me I've been the best he's had bed. I do initiate intimacy and I have no problem doing the work from time to time which hearing him say he wants more initiative on my part kind of makes me feel like I'm not pleasing him. Although he did say he wants a reason to punish me, I guess I've been TOO good of a girl so I can see why he would want me to deny him access. As you can see, I'm quite confused about it all. I've been doing my research into what makes a good sub, so I've been taking plenty of initiative but he doesn't know I've been spending more time on this because I haven't told him.

Sometimes it's nice to feel wanted, hence he wants you to take more initiative.
Sometimes the pursuit is the fun part, hence he wants you to play hard to get when he initiates. I don't quite see what is confusing about it?

Researching what makes a good sub can be very confusing though, because it's very much a question of personal tastes.
I don't think that's the kind of initiative he wants, if he mentions it together with playing hard to get.

 

[MeekMe]

I did actually, that's when he said use my imagination. He also did say that I should play a little hard to get, but randomly just take pure initiative and do what ever I think will turn him on.

So guess what turns him on and hope it's fulfilling?

I don't really feel like he's setting me up for failure, I know he has faith in me to be able to please him since I've been doing good so far. That's exactly what I'm afraid of is asking him too many times to clarify what he wants.

Why would you be afraid of asking too many times? If you don't understand, then how can you do the right thing?

What's extremely confusing about the whole thing is that in past relationships that weren't d/s relationships, he told me he was always the one who initiated intimacy and after some time it felt like the girl just didn't want to have sex at all. So I feel like I've made it too easy for him and its becoming boring? He hasn't said that but that's how I feel. I don't want to say no to him when he initiates because I feel like that's what he wants at that moment especially since he's told me I've been the best he's had bed. I do initiate intimacy and I have no problem doing the work from time to time which hearing him say he wants more initiative on my part kind of makes me feel like I'm not pleasing him. Although he did say he wants a reason to punish me, I guess I've been TOO good of a girl so I can see why he would want me to deny him access. As you can see, I'm quite confused about it all.

If he wants to punish you, couldn't he just say he wants to and not play a game? It's probably very confusing for you if he wants to play and makes up excuses to punish you (or sets you up to fail at something). Punishment is typically to stop or correct something, yeah? So perhaps you two should talk a little more about what punishment means and why it would happen.

Also, you're asking strangers to help you with a personal situation in which we are missing many details. We have no idea what you've discussed and what you've set as limits or even what you're interested in doing.

When you say you don't want to say "no" to sex, does that mean ever? Like if you're not feeling well and he wants to have sex but you're just not into it, if you say "no" are you going to be "punished?"

Here's a recent thread about punishment.

I think you need to have another talk about what it is you want out of this relationship. Find out when you should 'play hard to get' and also have something in place to say, 'I seriously can't tonight I'm not playing hard to get.'

I've been doing my research into what makes a good sub, so I've been taking plenty of initiative but he doesn't know I've been spending more time on this because I haven't told him.

There is no 'One True Way' when it comes to being submissive. We're all very different and conduct ourselves based on the relationships we're in. If you want to see how different relationships work, look at the thread in my signature. Also, talk to him and tell him you've been doing research. You may find out that the things you've been reading are not at all what he cares for. And that's not to discourage research (please research away!) but what happens in your relationship is between the two of you and most of the info out there is simply there as guidelines or inspiration.

 

[ragdoll16]

I don't really have anyone to talk to about this stuff with besides my Dom. I'm a true believer in being self sufficient and putting my all into everything I do, hence why I'm doing research on my own. Asking you fine people has proven to be a good thing because you've given some good advice. Obviously I'll have to talk with him to figure some things out then go by trial and "error" I suppose.

 

[ragdoll16]

MeekMe, the thread you posted is helping a lot. All of the advice given has helped a lot, I appreciate it!

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[hannahinseattle]

I tend to agree that in a D/s relationship clear communication is a must. I don't think as a Domme I could tell a sub to use their imagination to figure out what I wanted from them. I prefer clear communication of expectations and wants and I want the same from them. Otherwise we are both shooting in the dark at a moving target.

 

[MeekMe]

I'm glad it's helping. This board is full of great information, I hope you'll stick around ragdoll16 and join in the discussions.