Trust......

[MaryanneB]

I am very interested in the dom/sub genre but have questions. It's been brought to my attention that asking the people who know is the way to go.
So, how did you deal with the issue of trust when you first got into all of this?

 

[Netzach]

I am very interested in the dom/sub genre but have questions. It's been brought to my attention that asking the people who know is the way to go.
So, how did you deal with the issue of trust when you first got into all of this?

Don't force it and don't force yourself. Trust is a natural force, a thing that happens or it doesn't. If you don't have reasons to trust someone then you simply don't.

Some people need a lot of external reasons to trust someone else. Some people have enough self-confidence and trust of self that they don't get beaten up if someone else lies to them or fucks things up, and it's more internal.

Whatever you need, you know when it's there. Listen to that little voice, that little itnernal bullshit meter, and don't let anyone else get you to stop listening to it.

 

[MaryanneB]

Makes sense. I always tell friends to listen to that little voice so why shouldn't do it myself.
Thanks.
Did you just "happen" into this?

 

[Netzach]

"this?" This being what?

 

[MaryanneB]

"this?" This being what?

Sorry. Didn't mean to sound so prissy. I'm wondering if the BDSM came to you or did you look for it?
Now I seem to sound like a complete dork.

 

[Malich]

As above, trust is earned not assumed. If you have no reason to trust someone, don't. Even if you trust them in one way, say to repay money if they borrow it that doesn't immediately engender sufficient trust to let them tie you up.

I'm 6' 7", 240ish lbs, dominant and male and even I have back up plans for if I get somewhere and I feel that something is wrong and I need to back out.

There are ways of ensuring you have an out of things go bad right up to the point at which you're somewhere private with someone, after that, all bets are off. Because of this I always try to have at least one, and maybe 2 meets with someone, somewhere public, without any promise of play to get a feel of them in person. especially if you met online. An online persona doesn't represent a real person. Everyone has too much time to think about their answers and to say what they think you want to hear. Harder to do that face to face. Also lets you see if they're going to be pushy.

Have a safety call. Someone who'll ring / SMS you a couple of times during a first meet so they know everything is ok or can give you an excuse to leave. Also never go anywhere private with someone without letting someone else you trust know where you're going and with whom... and make sure you actually verify that's who you are with and where you end up.

Trust builds up over time. The more you see someone, the more you'll be willing to trust them and the deeper into the "less safe" aspects of BDSM you can delve.

 

[Primalex]

I am very interested in the dom/sub genre but have questions. It's been brought to my attention that asking the people who know is the way to go.
So, how did you deal with the issue of trust when you first got into all of this?

I fucked her thoroughly and once she turned into throbbing horny weak-willed mess, I tied her up and continued.

Trust is seriously overrated - horny people are not rational, no matter the sex.

 

[Netzach]

Sorry. Didn't mean to sound so prissy. I'm wondering if the BDSM came to you or did you look for it?
Now I seem to sound like a complete dork.

Oh, no worries.

I don't know how to answer that. I think my tendencies were always there and then I made things happen for myself when I realized the option was possible.

 

[Netzach]

I fucked her thoroughly and once she turned into throbbing horny weak-willed mess, I tied her up and continued.

Trust is seriously overrated - horny people are not rational, no matter the sex.

Trust of the process everything together into psychological mincemeat and talk till you're blue variety is overrated.

Trust of the "hot first time" versus "assault case that ruined everyone's life" variety is not.

I'm a fan of introspection when you're not actually horny, more than communicating every mental fart to the other person. It's going to boil down to your own self as often as not.

 

[desertslave]

I feel that I should explain that I was pretty clueless about BDSM and wasn't looking when I met my first Sir. He claimed (later on) that he spotted "tendencies" in me that he chose to act upon. At first it was mutual seduction (he was cute!) but once he felt comfortable that I wasn't going to run away, he was open and honest about what he wanted. He explained some of his intentions and gave me a choice to explore further with him.

Once I agreed, he took me a few steps at a time...first some sensation play, unbound, then some bondage, more intensity, etc until he worked me up to a level he enjoyed. Whenever anything new was introduced he would talk me through it and take things reasonably slowly. I only panicked once, and he talked me down quickly and set that activity aside for a while longer. I learned, through words and actions, that I could trust him to respect my fears, to help me expand and understand my new desires, and to keep me safe in a fundamental way.

In retrospect, there were times when he babied and indulged me, but there were times when he pushed me hard, as well. He had an incredible knack for reading me and for teaching me, and was excellent at 'checking in' on me as needed.

 

[Thegirl1987]

Trust is always a hard thing for me. And when I started seeing my Dom, I had no idea that he was into bdsm. When he realized I liked a little pain with my sex and he felt I wouldn't run away screaming. He informed he was a Dom, and started to explain some things to me. One of the first things he said to me was "If you are interested in this with me, I need you to trust me 100% before we begin." We spent the next month discussing questions I had, and I did research about bdsm, until I was ready for him to start training me to be his sub.
I was not looking for bdsm at all, but it found me through Dom, and I am so glad it did. Trust can not be forced, but rather earned and built. Don't rush into anything you aren't ready for. I am glad I took the time to do research before I entered into this type of relationship and had the talks with Dom. It allowed me to be prepared for what is ahead of me. And afterwards, Dom always makes sure to ask me what I thought about what just happened. And we discuss how it made me feel and if I need anything. Which helps to build our trust even more.

 

[SassyKatz71]

Trust is a major part of the lifestyle. For me,it is not an easy feat.I do not trust people in general,and in a personal relationship.I tentively trust them,until I'm shown whether or not they are a trustorthy person.Then and only the an I more at ease around them. Trust is built and earned. And it goes both ways too.
I will get to know someone first. And back off if something doesn't seem right.Asking questions and gaging their answers. Face to face is much easier when doing this. Before anything proper steps must be made to figure all these things out BEFORE getting into anything,with anyone. Whether it's a BDSM thing or not

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[subwannabe]

Trust has to be earned and take time. It doesn't just happen overnight and they can't just show you their trust badge.

 

[SpunThings]

For me, sex, and romance, and BDSM are all wrapped up together. How does anyone learn to trust someone to be in a long term committed relationship? Give them little bits of yourself, and see how they handle it. Open up just a touch, as much as you are comfortable with to start. Happy with how they handle it? Give them more little bits. Happy with that? No? Then re-evaluate and try again, or end it. Yes? Give them more little bits. Until eventually the bits you're giving them are much bigger and more consequential.

It's also good to cultivate your own recognition of the "gut feeling" and learn to trust it.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

So maybe I have a tendency to overthink things, but it kind of confuses me when people describe the pursuit of trust as if it is an emotion or is some sort of yes/no etheric ohh baby chemistry, because I just don't see it that way. For me, trust is not an emotion that is beyond our control to be able to have with someone or not, it's just a choice.

For someone who we open our physical and emotional vulnerabilities to, these choices certainly carry more risk, but are ultimately just a series of choices. These trust choices will create the framework of expectations in a relationship. The depth of a realtionship and bond is often due to these lists of agreements being quite long and detailed based on years and years of choices made and held sacred. Some people make choices based on logic, some based on emotions, but trust is an agreement, a choice.

For example, one choice in a realtionship may look like, "I choose to not wear my helmet in your company because I choose to trust that you will not hit me over the head with a baseball bat and I don't want to be hit in the head with a baseball bat."

Then when I get hit over the head with a baseball bat, I learn that my choice caused me harm and my choice to not wear a helmet in your company will most likely cause me harm in the future. I then get to choose to stay and wear a helmet, or leave, but it really has very little to do with how I actually feel emotionally. I get to choose to wear a helmet or not, but the emotional and physical wound of the betrayal is something different.

I don't really like the idea that trust as a verb can create a powerless victim mentality, and tend to lean toward the priority of maintaining personal responsibility. "You are a jerk because I trusted you to not hurt me and you betrayed me!", doesn't work for me as much as, "I chose to not wear a helmet and got hurt, so I choose to stay but will henceforth wear a helmet" or "let's negotiate bats because potential bats-are-complicated miscommunication" or "bye".

Sometimes I wonder if people get "like" mixed up with "trust". Chemistry of attraction seems more the mysterious pursuit to me than the choice to trust or not.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[SpunThings]

Curious_in_Cali I appreciate what you have to say, and do agree that we choose to trust someone or not. I still think that trust can also be considered a feeling.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

Have you heard the saying, ' love all, trust few and always paddle your own canoe'? I guess I am that kind of person. My life experiences make me not so trusting always. I think trust is complicated and a choice but one that can be hard or easy to make. For me there is no question of trust with G, its not one I ever have to think about. Its not a series of choice, it was a choice I made early on and I have not needed to revisit. This is a first for me in a relationship, such trust. Perhaps if I had more trust I would have found more of myself earlier? . Perhaps not.?

I like plenty of people I don't trust though.

Ha! No, but I dig it.

It is wonderful to have found someone you can choose to trust in such a broad way. I am happy for you both. The statement that "its not one I ever have to think about" sounds like a completely surrendered decision to trust him and I am sure that is a space you both learning so much. I wouldn't doubt that your decision to wait and trust him was the right one for you, so try not to ask the "sooner" questions. I am a big believer in all things needing their own time to sprout, grow, and harvest, and your story sounds just right.

I was just weighing this phrase, "I trust you" because I still have to fight the urge to finish the statement with details about what exactly what I trust them with. But I think what I keep landing on is that it means that I choose to be vulnerable to you. I choose to stop scanning you for threat. I choose to be naked and raw and accept and take responsibility for whatever comes. I don't think any of that actually speaks to the outcomes and experiences and subsequent emotions of the choices though. See? I seem rather white knuckled to this idea.

Weighing trustworthiness is often a challenge for me, but I find that waiting gains the good friends of time and opportunity in who let people eventually show who they really are. This is especially potent when their actions match their words. Who you are is not the places of false fronts or profound effort to be who you wish you could be, but its who you actually are when you stop trying. It's like someone telling you they are funny instead of just being themselves and telling a joke. Which is more believable?

One of the reasons I love to study Tao ideas is that they challenge my belief that solutions and answers need to be cultivated. It is my interpretation, that Tao principles teach that you should simply trust all without judgement and then wait to respond appropriately to whatever comes. To simply let go of controlling the outcome and chose to trust in your own inherent nature to do what is best from a place of being open, trusting and present to JUST the moment and experience in front of you. Don't waste energy in anticipating, just respond. And often the best response is NO response. This practice is a challenge for me but has been helpful for me to see just how much I used to buy into the idea that planning and pondering outcomes would somehow create better experiences with some sort of measurable accuracy or consistency with all things human. Needless to say, I can't express how grateful I am for my patient loved ones, maturing humility and enduring sense of humor.

Curious_in_Cali I appreciate what you have to say, and do agree that we choose to trust someone or not. I still think that trust can also be considered a feeling.

Try as I might, I can't see how it can be both. I would love to understand your perspective, can you please expand on that?

 

[midwestyankee]

Curious_in_Cali I appreciate what you have to say, and do agree that we choose to trust someone or not. I still think that trust can also be considered a feeling.

Let me curious for a moment (oh, I know, I'll never be as pretty as she, but let's pretend): what does trust feel like to you?

 

[SpunThings]

OK, trust as a feeling. First I'll say that I'm separating the concepts of feeling and emotion.

Trust to me feels relaxed. I'm an uptight person, and don't trust easily. When I trust someone, I feel uninhibited (or at least less inhibited). I feel calm. I feel open, not on guard. My mental efforts are less focused on navigating social interactions the right and safe way for me, and more on connecting with the person.

You can feel many things that aren't emotions. You can feel empathy, consideration, respect. Sure often emotions are behind a lot of those concepts, but they are more than the emotions behind them. They are words used to describe an experience, which can also be described as a feeling.

That's my perspective anyways.

 

[Misshotndeep]

Not sure I have every trusted anyone completely. So I can't relate to what it feel like. Shrugs. I never get that far before I get fucked over Shrugs.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[tmmmbrrr]

Don't force it and don't force yourself. Trust is a natural force, a thing that happens or it doesn't. If you don't have reasons to trust someone then you simply don't.

Some people need a lot of external reasons to trust someone else. Some people have enough self-confidence and trust of self that they don't get beaten up if someone else lies to them or fucks things up, and it's more internal.

Whatever you need, you know when it's there. Listen to that little voice, that little itnernal bullshit meter, and don't let anyone else get you to stop listening to it.

When its there, trust is an erotic act that allows you to go with someone where you'd never to on your own. When its not -- forget it. I like Netzach's perspective on this.