How to have wife share her sex ideas and fantasies?

[Wishfantasies]

........

 

[NightL]

Offer to be the primary carer for your two year old. If you are so bound by your employment, next time you have a 2 week vacation suggest to your wife that she go on a holiday just by herself, you stay at home with your child. Negotiate after that.

So many first time posters and their questions lately.

 

[pplwatching]

I can't help but notice that while your subject is about your wife sharing her fantasies, you begin by listing all of yours. You then go on to say that she hasn't taken any action on your fantasies. It's possible that you are flooding her. She's already feeling a little self conscious. To her she may be hearing that sex with her isn't good enough, or that she has to put on an act to keep you interested. In other words, you may be making things worse even though your intentions are good.

I remember when we had toddlers. Sex was the last thing on my wife's mind. We went through a lot of ups and downs sexually. I won't bore you with the details but some key points are

o My wife was busy with the kids all day, and then was busy with them in the evening. She wanted adult time that didn't begin and end with sex. If you aren't already, then try courting her again. If you're not already doing it, then ask her about her day and show an interest in her as a person.

o Hormonal birth control (the pill) helped kill her sex drive. We later learned that this is true for a lot of women. We eventually stopped that and she got much more interested in sex again.

o My wife really prefers me to be assertive. She wants me to take the lead both in and out of the bedroom, and finds it very unattractive when I don't. If I'm pussy-footing around and testing the waters to see if she might be in the mood for sex then I am pretty much guaranteed Rosey and her five sisters. If I show her that I want her, including asking her about her day, and make it clear that her body is on my mind then she is almost always responsive to my advances.

o My wife doesn't like being put on the spot being asked about sex. I once brought home a lover's card game, where the cards are questions about fantasies. If I ask my wife about her fantasies, she'll tell me that she doesn't have any. I believe her. She just doesn't think about sex the way that I do. I also learned that asking her after she's already told me that she doesn't makes her feel self conscious. If I come to bed with an idea and get the ball rolling myself, she has fun playing along.

You may need to spend some time figuring out what your wife needs in order to think about sex, and it may have nothing to do with sex.

 

[unnissa]

Tell ur fantasy n fuck :she will open up

 

[Eilan]

Yeah, there's a lot of "I want" in that post. Maybe she's worried that you'll judge her for her fantasies or you'll start pestering her to make those fantasies come true.

 

[subwannabe]

I agree with the others here who said that your post is more about what you want. This kind of sounds like my own life and I haven't found a solution to it yet. We have kids too and ever since, she has let her life rule her instead of her ruling it and she has absolutely no ambition or drive to care about changing it. It's just easier for her to throw in the towel and forgot about sex. I've tried everything in the book and don't even ask advice here because I've already tried everything brought up here, not that they're not good ideas, it's just that I have already done them and then some. My best advice is just to talk to her about your feelings but that has only worked for me in occasional short bursts and then it's back to the same ole same ole all over again. Can you take off for a romantic weekend and leave the kid behind?

 

[GiggLeGasm]

It sounds as if you have very good intentions and it's great that you are concerned about maintaining a connection with your wife. I will share that, in my experience, what I needed when the kids were little was a friend, a partner, or someone who cared enough about how I was doing to put his own needs aside for a little while. If he told me I was hot and I felt like it was just to get into my pants, I wasn't complimented. I resented it.
I spent the entire day dealing with people who needed, wanted, cried for..
I was touched out. I couldn't give it.. and I couldn't receive it.
what I really needed was an outlet to where I could be creative or release stress with other adults in an environment that was in no way related to touch or caring. After I could refuel that way, I was able to recognize adult desire again.

Consider the physical demands of being with a 2 year old. You touch to care for. you touch to cuddle. you touch to encourage sleep. you receive touch through kisses and while reading.. and playing. by the end of the day, your skin has been so stimulated that the very thought of touch is almost tormenting. Add that there is nothing silent or still about a two year old and you're in sensory overload.

I would suggest that the two of you play tennis.. or go for a run. Maybe you could watch your child while she hits a Zumba class for an hour or sits with a book in silence or enjoys planting a garden.

Sometimes the lack of sex isn't about a change in desire or a new discomfort with body image.. even if that's what is verbalized. Sometimes it's easier to say those things than "I can't bear the thought of another human needing one more thing from me.. even if I love you dearly.. because I have nothing left."

 

[simplegirl]

I think perhaps another issue is that many women see fantasies as completely different from men. A fantasy to a woman is just that...a fantasy. Something you can dream up, get turned on by, but don't necessarily want to have happen. It's safe, you don't get hurt, humiliated, etc...

For men, they have more of a tendency of seeing fantasy as something to have happen in real life. That makes women leery of sharing them. And since, for a woman, a fantasy is just a fantasy, she may be seeing your fantasies in the same light, so she's not acting on realizing them. I recall that women tend to fantasize about a sex with a sexy hunk, but they're often vague/faceless or strangers. They're less likely to be someone specific. Whereas men will fantasize about the checkout girl, the co-worker, etc.. They're much more specific as to the star of their fantasies.

So it could very well be, that talking about fantasies and acting on them are two different goals for both of you. Add in being a new parent, she could be so into "mommy" role, that she's suppressed her sexy desirable woman self because she just doesn't have the energy to contemplate anything else. Plus, have you done anything to help her feel sexy and desirable? And I don't mean grabbing her crotch, humping her leg and call it foreplay. When's the last time you got dressed up for her? took her out for dinner? dancing? Do you give her nice long hugs and a passionate kiss (without trying to turn it sexual)? She may need to feel desired at other times than just when you have sex. She may need affection that isn't linked to sex.

 

[SoCopasetic]

I have fantasies' of my Husband cleaning the kitchen ... yeah, that would turn me on. lol

 

[Harold_Hill]

Maybe she is satisfied with status quo? Just because you want to liven things up doesn't mean she does. I assume she is an adult and knows what she wants in life.

 

[midwestyankee]

I have fantasies' of my Husband cleaning the kitchen ... yeah, that would turn me on. lol

I once made the mistake of asking my wife years ago about her fantasies. The word "dishwasher" seemed to feature awfully prominently.

 

[MatthewVett]

Try http://mojoupgrade.com/. It lets you and your partner take a test about your fantasies, and then it only shows matching fantasies, so if you're into golden showers and she's not, she never knows. It's a nice safe way to let your partner know what you're into, since it won't tell them anything they don't want to try, too.

 

[Felix_Jones]

Hi,

I have always read on literotica and I enjoy reading about sex fantasies, but I can't get my wife to open up with her ideas. I love her and want us to enjoy each other as much as possible. I want her to tie me up and take control sometimes. I want to make out in the car and tease each other while we are out. I want to role play and be playful. She used to be more aggressive but lately she has not been open to sharing her sexual thoughts. I have suggested many things and written down some ideas, but she doesn't Take any action. I tell her and show her that I love her and tell her that she is beautiful but we have a 2 year old and she is more self conscious about her appearance. We do make love and have sex but it is only s couple times a month. We are both in our early 30's and healthy.

Any suggestions on having her open up more or what I should do?

Get a divorce, they are expensive because they are worth it.

 

[MatthewVett]

Get a divorce, they are expensive because they are worth it.

Do you ever have a positive post?

 

[satindesire]

Do you ever have a positive post?

No. He doesn't. Best bet would be to put him on ignore like every other regular.