First story, thoughts? (Light BDSM, M/f, older man, fully consensual)

[easyfix]

http://easyfix.tumblr.com/post/110710043896/jump-start

I haven't submitted it yet, because I really want to take care of some problems first:

-Believability. Are these characters real to you? I'm trying to convey emotionally suppressed people which is hard. The entire point is that they don't discuss things on a level beyond sarcasm and sexuality. They do care for each other, but they are not sentimental. They have enough history to take liberties with one another, but not enough that they aren't nervous. Does that come across?

-Under/Over Explaining. I'm not sure how much exposition is necessary. At first I had practically none (I prefer dialogue and action), but then I wondered if the characters' relationship was too ambiguous without it. I added a paragraph or two on how she knows him and how long she's liked him. But the conversation they have might be explanation enough, so I wonder if I should cut it out. Or is it still ambiguous and I should add something?

-Technicalities. Is my writing too technical? Am I too focused on what their body parts are doing, and not enough on how it feels for them? I try to avoid saying "slick folds," "throbbing erection," and the like.

-Repetition. My protagonist says "I" too much (my opinion) which is hard to avoid, and she's always talking about her wide eyes and looking up at him. I know I tend to overuse certain words too, so tell me how you'd fix that.

-Inner monologue. It's only four or five lines in all, but it feels overindulgent. Should I just get rid of it, or does it add to the character?

PLEASE rip my story to pieces. I'm not necessarily going to take every suggestion, but I want to know what you think. Thanks!

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

You lost me with the first sentence.

 

[easyfix]

And glad I did.

 

[Fazer600]

http://easyfix.tumblr.com/post/110710043896/jump-start

I haven't submitted it yet, because I really want to take care of some problems first:

-Believability. Are these characters real to you? I'm trying to convey emotionally suppressed people which is hard. The entire point is that they don't discuss things on a level beyond sarcasm and sexuality. They do care for each other, but they are not sentimental. They have enough history to take liberties with one another, but not enough that they aren't nervous. Does that come across?

-Under/Over Explaining. I'm not sure how much exposition is necessary. At first I had practically none (I prefer dialogue and action), but then I wondered if the characters' relationship was too ambiguous without it. I added a paragraph or two on how she knows him and how long she's liked him. But the conversation they have might be explanation enough, so I wonder if I should cut it out. Or is it still ambiguous and I should add something?

-Technicalities. Is my writing too technical? Am I too focused on what their body parts are doing, and not enough on how it feels for them? I try to avoid saying "slick folds," "throbbing erection," and the like.

-Repetition. My protagonist says "I" too much (my opinion) which is hard to avoid, and she's always talking about her wide eyes and looking up at him. I know I tend to overuse certain words too, so tell me how you'd fix that.

-Inner monologue. It's only four or five lines in all, but it feels overindulgent. Should I just get rid of it, or does it add to the character?

PLEASE rip my story to pieces. I'm not necessarily going to take every suggestion, but I want to know what you think. Thanks!

I will read it and study this afternoon.

 

[PennLady]

First, this is a place for feedback on stories posted to Literotica. I kind of see why you'd post elsewhere first, but this isn't a peer review kind of place. People post all kinds of stories here, at all levels of quality, so starting here isn't a bad idea.

It's good that you didn't post it in the forum, though, as people often do. So I took a look.

-Believability. Are these characters real to you? I'm trying to convey emotionally suppressed people which is hard. The entire point is that they don't discuss things on a level beyond sarcasm and sexuality. They do care for each other, but they are not sentimental. They have enough history to take liberties with one another, but not enough that they aren't nervous. Does that come across?

That did not come across to me, no. She had a crush on someone and the common sense (and decency) not to act on it. That's not particularly suppression, although I guess it could be but to me it's a stretch. And since this is from her POV, there's no sense of him being repressed either. He just comes across as an older guy taking advantage of her.

And if she's just so fixated on a crush from several years ago, well again that's not repression or suppression. It's the way she decided to act, and it seems silly to me. It also doesn't seem like they have much of a relationship to start with. He was her teacher freshman year, so let's say she was 18 then. Now she's 22, and there's no mention of interaction between them in the last four years. How would they discuss anything at all, in any way? There's no sense of history between them.

-Under/Over Explaining. I'm not sure how much exposition is necessary. At first I had practically none (I prefer dialogue and action), but then I wondered if the characters' relationship was too ambiguous without it. I added a paragraph or two on how she knows him and how long she's liked him. But the conversation they have might be explanation enough, so I wonder if I should cut it out. Or is it still ambiguous and I should add something?

Nothing wrong with dialogue and action, to be sure. For exposition, that's up to the author. I'd say use as much as you think is necessary to get across those points you can't get across with dialogue and action. I didn't think there was too much, for what it's worth.

You also have to decide what the reader needs to know, which can be a tricky thing. As the writer, you know everything, but the reader doesn't necessarily have to.

The information about how long she's liked him is fine. If anything is missing -- and I'm not saying it is, necessarily -- is what he thinks about her. As I said before, there's no sense of history or interaction or attraction between them in four years. In many ways I found it a stretch that he remembered her after one class four years ago, given how many students he must see each year.

-Technicalities. Is my writing too technical? Am I too focused on what their body parts are doing, and not enough on how it feels for them? I try to avoid saying "slick folds," "throbbing erection," and the like.

This is going to differ for each reader. Some like a lot of details on this stuff, some not so much. For everyone that rolls their eyes at "slick folds," there's someone else who gets off on it. Write what you like, or what you want to know about the characters. If it's physical, fine; if it's emotional, fine. And you can always use both.

-Repetition. My protagonist says "I" too much (my opinion) which is hard to avoid, and she's always talking about her wide eyes and looking up at him. I know I tend to overuse certain words too, so tell me how you'd fix that.

Nothing jumped out at me here. I would cut down on the repetition of things like "wide eyes," especially if you yourself think it's overdone. Once you've said she has wide eyes, you don't need to say it again. The reader will remember. Or use other phrases to get the idea across. She could look up, biting her lip as she waited for his reaction, something like that (biting lips is also overdone, but it's all I could think of. Sorry. ).

-Inner monologue. It's only four or five lines in all, but it feels overindulgent. Should I just get rid of it, or does it add to the character?

I didn't think it was too much, but I also didn't think it added a whole lot. For example, the "Please say no" lines -- we already know she likes him, so we can guess that's what's going through her mind. Or if you want to get it across without those words, you can talk about her reaction. "My stomach was in knots as I waited for his answer."

And for what it's worth, some of her thoughts make her seem pretty immature. I realize she's 22, so I'm not saying she should be utterly sophisticated, and I realize she's nervous about meeting the object of her crush. But a line like "This time I had a better idea of where his eyes went" has a certain maturity about it, and it's somewhat undercut by the giggling, and the "Definitely checking me out. Oh no." Why "Oh no?"

 

[easyfix]

Thanks for responding so quickly. I appreciate it.

-I suppose "emotionally suppressed" is giving them too much credit. They're both immature. It really is a little bit take-advantage-ish, but that's part of the fantasy for me.

-I was concerned that the history didn't come across and I was right. She was very involved in his class (and field) and since then they kept in touch. They saw each other often. It was strictly professional in his class but she liked him more as they got to know each other. They traded books back and forth, met for coffee frequently, etc. They were friendly and at ease with each other. I'll make a point to add that in.

-You're right that it's unclear what he thinks of her. To clear things up: He doesn't see a relationship, for sure, but he is fond of her. He thinks she is bright, funny, and a little immature. But he considers himself immature as well, and would have expressed that if there was any detail about their previous communication. I should definitely add in some dialogue referring to their previous conversations, so it doesn't seem so out of the blue.

-Wide eyes and biting lips, got it. Thanks!

-I should just remove the inner monologue and add in more description for how she is feeling, is what I'm getting from this. I was concerned about the giggling and wondering if that was even something she'd do in that situation, so I'll take it out. The "Oh no" was because she was unaware of his divorce at that point, so she felt guilty. But I can express it better.

Thanks again, Penn!

 

[PennLady]

Thanks for responding so quickly. I appreciate it.

-I suppose "emotionally suppressed" is giving them too much credit. They're both immature. It really is a little bit take-advantage-ish, but that's part of the fantasy for me.

Okay, but why do they have to be immature? She's got more of an excuse -- she's 22 -- but why does he have to be? Emotionally suppressed, or repressed, does not necessarily make one immature. And just because an older man wants to have sex with a younger woman does not make him immature. The fantasy of him taking advantage of her is fine -- pretty common from what I can see -- but again, it doesn't mean he has to be immature. Perhaps he shoudn't be; often it's the maturity of the older man that attracts the younger woman.

-I was concerned that the history didn't come across and I was right. She was very involved in his class (and field) and since then they kept in touch. They saw each other often. It was strictly professional in his class but she liked him more as they got to know each other. They traded books back and forth, met for coffee frequently, etc. They were friendly and at ease with each other. I'll make a point to add that in.

It's not that the history didn't come across -- it wasn't there at all. All you say is that he was her instructor and she had a crush on him, and then that's it. Everything you've said here should be somewhere in the story, but not just as exposition, not just "telling." Perhaps she could remember being in his class, how they talked, etc. Since this entire story is told from Thea's POV, I think this info has to come from her as well.

-You're right that it's unclear what he thinks of her. To clear things up: He doesn't see a relationship, for sure, but he is fond of her. He thinks she is bright, funny, and a little immature. But he considers himself immature as well, and would have expressed that if there was any detail about their previous communication. I should definitely add in some dialogue referring to their previous conversations, so it doesn't seem so out of the blue.

This is all fine, but if you have to tell the reader this after the fact, then you didn't do the job in your story. I also don't think he really is immature -- just because he's attracted to a younger girl doesn't make him immature. I think a conversation between them would be the best way to get this information out there.

-Wide eyes and biting lips, got it. Thanks!

And twirling hair around the finger, and running a hand through a person's hair, and ... There are plenty of things that people do to indicate their moods and feelings, so try to think about those and find a couple that fit your characters, and use them from time to time. But let the scene and their dialogue and other elements of the story set things up, and the reader will get them. Trust the reader.

-I should just remove the inner monologue and add in more description for how she is feeling, is what I'm getting from this. I was concerned about the giggling and wondering if that was even something she'd do in that situation, so I'll take it out. The "Oh no" was because she was unaware of his divorce at that point, so she felt guilty. But I can express it better.

Thanks again, Penn!

No, not necessarily. I think the biggest problem with thoughts and internal dialogue is that they are often repetitious. It's boring, as a reader, to read something like:

She walked into the room, in awe of the expensive furnishings. Wow, this stuff is really expensive, she thought.

Use the thoughts to advance things, to let the reader know more about the character(s).

She walked into the room, in awe of the expensive furnishings. Wow, he knows his stuff, she thought. I wish I understood art so I could appreciate this more.

Sorry, that's very clunky, but I hope you see what I mean.

 

[DarkPleasures]

[...link removed...]
First story, thoughts?

Are you a Lit author or spamming Lit?

 

[PennLady]

Are you a Lit author or spamming Lit?

I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt that they to post on Lit but have not yet done it because they want to improve their story first.

 

[litmlove]

http://easyfix.tumblr.com/post/110710043896/jump-start


PLEASE rip my story to pieces. I'm not necessarily going to take every suggestion, but I want to know what you think. Thanks!

Whatever you were looking for doesn't currently exist at this address. Unless you were looking for this error page, in which case: Congrats! You totally found it.

I couldn't read your story because the link doesn't work = I have not read your story.

You say your story is an Older Man with a Younger Woman and has "light BDSM" then immediately I think that maybe your story isn't as "fully consensual" as you think it is. It's not exactly a problem but your story rating will probably be hit by a few 1-Bombers. If you want broad appeal and critical acclaim then there needs to be love and a desire for sex particularly coming from the woman. On the flipside: there is nothing wrong with writing a full-on rape story or a domineering BDSM story for Literotica, just know you will be writing for niche crowds (and they will have their own specifics needs they want catered)

 

[PennLady]

I couldn't read your story because the link doesn't work = I have not read your story.

You say your story is an Older Man with a Younger Woman and has "light BDSM" then immediately I think that maybe your story isn't as "fully consensual" as you think it is. It's not exactly a problem but your story rating will probably be hit by a few 1-Bombers. If you want broad appeal and critical acclaim then there needs to be love and a desire for sex particularly coming from the woman. On the flipside: there is nothing wrong with writing a full-on rape story or a domineering BDSM story for Literotica, just know you will be writing for niche crowds (and they will have their own specifics needs they want catered)

Odd, the link worked for me. Perhaps the OP withdrew it.

At any rate, the story was indeed light BDSM and it was all fully consensual. BDSM doesn't equal non-con. The woman definitely desired sex with the guy.