Paradigms of sex in a relationship?

[GrrlFriday]

What are some paradigms about what sex is in a relationship?

As a 'marital duty', in which sex is a need of your partner's that you need to fulfill? (and your body belongs to your partner...)

A way to show affection to your partner?

How do you think about what sex is in a relationship? Why?

 

[Doog_kuron]

Guess I'll stick my head above the parapet and offer my thoughts. My now ex, well she didn't even see sex as important. Not only that, but she had a some what dim view on the whole thing. I suppose I could have pulled the 'marital duty' card but I don't really agree with that. Personally I want someone to have sex with me because they want to, not because there's an obligation to.

Showing affection is an incredibly broad term, that could be anything from a hug to doing the dishes. Throwing up gifts or spending time together. Of which I did everything.

Sex is important to me in a relationship because at least from my perspective, it's my way of being close to 'her'. Indeed, I don't even mind if I don't get anything from it, so long as I get to pleasure her.

 

[GrrlFriday]

Thanks for sticking your head up, Doog. I'm particularly interested in your idea of sex as being important - so is that.. frequent sex? emotional sex? good sex?

Another paradigm is that sex isn't the 'be-all-and-end-all', and sometimes trying to discuss sex as being important can fall into that barrier. The more a person tries to express that sex is important, the more their partner could feel that sex is *too* important to their partner, and doesn't feel like engaging in it themselves.

If you don't like the idea of sex as 'showing affection' because that's only one way to show affection, what about sex as a way to show affection and closeness to your partner?

 

[Red_Kiss]

For me, sex and physical affection is vital in a relationship because it makes me feel connected to my partner. It's a special bond that only the two of you can share. I can get certain emotional needs met through friends, etc. but there's nothing like the alchemy of sex between two people who love and care about each other. It nourishes my spirit when I have sex with someone I have a deep connection with.

That being said, I've found that sex is a pretty good barometer of how well a relationship is doing. In my last relationship, the rejection of physical intimacy was an enormous red flag that something was seriously wrong. It also hurt like hell and really battered my sexual being.


Sex shouldn't feel like an unpleasant obligation in a relationship, but there must be some give and take. I feel that both partners need to realize when they sign on for a relationship that they're agreeing to meet the physical needs of their partner.

 

[sunandshadow]

Is this a homework assignment? Lol. In my first long term relationship we considered sex to be a hobby, equal to other hobbies we would do at least once a week, like playing a card game or watching movies.

 

[GrrlFriday]

For me, sex and physical affection is vital in a relationship because it makes me feel connected to my partner. It's a special bond that only the two of you can share. I can get certain emotional needs met through friends, etc. but there's nothing like the alchemy of sex between two people who love and care about each other. It nourishes my spirit when I have sex with someone I have a deep connection with.

That being said, I've found that sex is a pretty good barometer of how well a relationship is doing. In my last relationship, the rejection of physical intimacy was an enormous red flag that something was seriously wrong. It also hurt like hell and really battered my sexual being.


Sex shouldn't feel like an unpleasant obligation in a relationship, but there must be some give and take. I feel that both partners need to realize when they sign on for a relationship that they're agreeing to meet the physical needs of their partner.

Thanks, Red Kiss - that's a really good description of good sex. I've got a question about the last part - what could happen when partners can't meet the physical needs of their partner, how could this be resolved? Perhaps the expectation changes with age and experience? (Like, is it more acceptable to have sex earlier in a relationship when you're older?)

Is this a homework assignment? Lol. In my first long term relationship we considered sex to be a hobby, equal to other hobbies we would do at least once a week, like playing a card game or watching movies.

Not a homework assignment, just trying to gather a variety of ideas. It sounds like it was 'no pressure' to treat it as a shared hobby?

 

[Red_Kiss]

Thanks, Red Kiss - that's a really good description of good sex. I've got a question about the last part - what could happen when partners can't meet the physical needs of their partner, how could this be resolved? Perhaps the expectation changes with age and experience? (Like, is it more acceptable to have sex earlier in a relationship when you're older?)

That's a great question, GF. I think there's a huge difference between 'can't' and 'won't'. 'Can't' can be worked around with a bit of creativity, enthusiasm and imagination. For instance, I had a lover with ED and although he couldn't be inside me, we figured out ways to have hot, fulfilling sex. It just took lots of communication and some creativity.
'Won't', on the other hand, is a lot more difficult to cope with.

 

[GrrlFriday]

And figuring out if it's truly 'can't' or 'won't' is another kettle of fish, as is working out 'why not' in a tactful way.

 

[Red_Kiss]

And figuring out if it's truly 'can't' or 'won't' is another kettle of fish, as is working out 'why not' in a tactful way.

Absolutely. My partner with ED was also in a sexless marriage, so not only was he unable to perform, she was unwilling to be physical with him in any way; a mix of can't and won't. Truly a thorny problem!

 

[NippleMuncher]

Sex as a paradigm? What about the relationship as the paradigm? I, personally, am not interested in superficial relationships, whether that be casual or sexual. If you have no depth, if you have nothing to offer to the relationship, then I am not interested.

On the specifics of sex, I want a partner who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with her. Who wants to pleasure me as much as I her. Who wants to do things for me for my sake, as much as I her . . .

While sex is highly important to most relationships, everything else that makes up that relationship should be equally important.

 

[GrrlFriday]

Sex as a paradigm? What about the relationship as the paradigm? I, personally, am not interested in superficial relationships, whether that be casual or sexual. If you have no depth, if you have nothing to offer to the relationship, then I am not interested.

On the specifics of sex, I want a partner who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with her. Who wants to pleasure me as much as I her. Who wants to do things for me for my sake, as much as I her . . .

While sex is highly important to most relationships, everything else that makes up that relationship should be equally important.

The 'friend' in 'boyfriend', so to speak, O NippleMuncher?

 

[NippleMuncher]

The 'friend' in 'boyfriend', so to speak, O NippleMuncher?

If you can't be friends, how can you be sexual partners?

 

[CWatson]

Dr. Gary Chapman, a marriage counselor, came up with a system he calls the "Five Love Languages," methods people use to communicate affection. While all people utilize all five, most prefer one or two. The languages, couched in vaguely Christian phrasing because Chapman is also a minister, are: Quality Time; Words of Affirmation; Gift Giving; Acts of Service; and Physical Touch.

Personally, I put the most emphasis on touch, and I'm really glad my girlfriend is the same. I'm lying beside her in bed as I type this, and we're both stark naked. We sleep this way because it's comfortable, and because we don't feel any need to hold back from each other. Sex is the same: a way of communicating love, affection and intimacy. It involves Touch, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation and even a little bit of Acts of Service, when one of us goes out of our way for the other.

Basically, the way I see sex is as a distillation of the entire relationship. But then, I'm a romantic, and so is my girlfriend.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Dr. Gary Chapman, a marriage counselor, came up with a system he calls the "Five Love Languages," methods people use to communicate affection. While all people utilize all five, most prefer one or two. The languages, couched in vaguely Christian phrasing because Chapman is also a minister, are: Quality Time; Words of Affirmation; Gift Giving; Acts of Service; and Physical Touch.

Yeah, I don't usually have much time for pop-psych and especially when it's marketed as "Christian relationship advice", but I read 5LL some years back and found it was actually quite helpful in understanding some relationship issues. I don't remember if I even noticed a religious streak to it at the time.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

If you can't be friends, how can you be sexual partners?

People do it all the time.

 

[Doog_kuron]

People do it all the time.

Actually that could be sort of fun. Hiring say a prostitute and then say, hey let's be friends!

I'm actually tempted to do that just to see her face. Might even post it here.

 

[GrrlFriday]

If you can't be friends, how can you be sexual partners?

How would you go about growing that friendship, if your partner was focused on being connected to you via the sexual side of things?

 

[rider81]

It's not so much about "growing" as do you genuinely like each other. It's a gut feel.

 

[starved_wifey]

Hmmm...

Sex can't "make" a relationship...but it can break one.

It's a primal need that demands filling. When the desire is not fulfilled it leaves space for resentment, then anger and eventually the love is the last to go.

 

[Doog_kuron]

Thanks for sticking your head up, Doog. I'm particularly interested in your idea of sex as being important - so is that.. frequent sex? emotional sex? good sex?

Another paradigm is that sex isn't the 'be-all-and-end-all', and sometimes trying to discuss sex as being important can fall into that barrier. The more a person tries to express that sex is important, the more their partner could feel that sex is *too* important to their partner, and doesn't feel like engaging in it themselves.

If you don't like the idea of sex as 'showing affection' because that's only one way to show affection, what about sex as a way to show affection and closeness to your partner?

With regard to the frequent, emotional and good. I would imagine most people would probably opt for the good or even judging by some posters to lit, having any kind of sex would be considered good. I suppose that depends on the individual though, I mean having sex for the sake of it isn't my idea of a good time. Meaningful sex is probably what I crave most. Personally.

I don't think sex per say is important to a relationship, as there are some people who are happily together who have very little or indeed crazy as it sounds, non at all. Instead I would just say intimacy is important. Being able to communicate and be close together. Again it depends on the individuals. For me sex is important because it is a way I can connect with my partner on an intimate level.

This is WAY too deep for a Wednesday morning and with a hangover.

 

[sunandshadow]

Not a homework assignment, just trying to gather a variety of ideas. It sounds like it was 'no pressure' to treat it as a shared hobby?

Low pressure, yes, though the other side of that coin is that it was low passion and low priority. I didn't realize it at the time, but the relationship was more like friends with benefits than an actual romance.

 

[suckonsimon]

I'm thinking, "Celebration of what we have together".

I mean that in a really broad sense. So the range is from when sex is a source of consolation from the one to the other when one has had a tough day or whatever, right through to sex as a wild expression of the delight that we have and have had in every aspect of a life shared - in our case for 38 years.

In the middle of that range is, for example, the 'completion' of the pleasure in achieving a shared project. We cultivate land and sometimes it's hours of hard work but it's satisfying! So mid afternoon we'll have a break and get to it in bed, then back out there.

Is this a "paradigm" of our sex, in the sense of the question?

 

[Bramblethorn]

Actually that could be sort of fun. Hiring say a prostitute and then say, hey let's be friends!

I'm actually tempted to do that just to see her face. Might even post it here.

She might not be that surprised. From what I hear, sex workers quite often get clients who just want somebody to talk to them for an hour or two.

 

[Doog_kuron]

She might not be that surprised. From what I hear, sex workers quite often get clients who just want somebody to talk to them for an hour or two.

Well that's a pretty grim reflection on our times. If a guy can only get half decent conversation by paying for it. Mind you, I can see the appeal. In my line of work I don't meet a single solitary soul accept for a very select group of people. Time is also a factor.

 

[NippleMuncher]

How would you go about growing that friendship, if your partner was focused on being connected to you via the sexual side of things?

In answer to your question, I think that almost everyone here has at least a small piece of what sex in a relationship is about, case in point:

Sex can't "make" a relationship...but it can break one.

I mean having sex for the sake of it isn't my idea of a good time. Meaningful sex is probably what I crave most. Personally.

I don't think sex per say is important to a relationship, as there are some people who are happily together who have very little or indeed crazy as it sounds, non at all. Instead I would just say intimacy is important. Being able to communicate and be close together. Again it depends on the individuals. For me sex is important because it is a way I can connect with my partner on an intimate level.

Sex in and of itself cannot fill the void of human need. Good sex can mask it for a time, bad, or lack thereof, sex will accentuate it. What we're really craving is intimacy, which doesn't involve sex at all, but a partner capable of communication on many levels. Of course, it means one has to be somewhat self-aware and not the mouth breathing idiocy portrayed by Hollywood.

I am far more interested in the depth of the being than I am the package it is wrapped in or its sexual prowess.