Handling an awkward situation

[townieamy]

Let me start out by saying I know it's a big fetish here, but I have NO interest in a incestuous relationship.

The other day I was cleaning up my son's room, and his laptop screen was on. There was a folder left open with a video file that said "mom." I open it up to see it's a video of me getting into the shower. We also have a clear door instead of a curtain, so at one point in the video you can see me pleasuring myself.

This is very weird to me, and I'm not sure how to approach this. Should I bring it up or should I ignore it. I can't imagine how difficult that conversation will be and how embarrassed he will be to have it. I think I'm leaning towards ignore because it's not harming anyone, and I think it's something an 18 year old boy will get over.

 

[simplegirl]

You're sure to get good advice from fellow posters. I'm not a mom, so I can't say that I'm looking at this situation with that point of view. It is an awkward situation and on the one hand I can understand it being easier to ignore it and think "no harm, no foul"...BUT, there's definitely a matter of a gross invasion of your privacy that you have to deal with. You also don't want him to post this little video or others on the world wide web. ( I have a hard time believing that he would have only taped/spied on you the once and it just happened to be the time you were pleasuring yourself. That particular video may just have been the juciest he had) I'm sure you don't want that video to become public consumption or even to be shared with his buddies.

I'm thinking he may have deliberately left that open in a way to test the waters, so to speak, and seeing if your interest is reciprocated. The other question is, will incidents like these escalate?

It may be an embarrassing conversation, but one that you may need to have regardless. Is dad in the picture? He may have a clearer understanding of the male teenage mind and help you address this appropriately. After all, the both of you know your son best. Maybe having his dad speak to him would be better, if that's an option.

Hopefully, others will be able to give you clearer ideas on how to deal with this.

 

[silverwhisper]

good thing you put that disclaimer up. sadly, it probably won't stop the leg-humping set.

i would agree with leaving it alone and not mentioning it. i also agree with simplegirl's theory about testing the waters.

ed

 

[bailadora]

I AM a mom, and I have to say I would be very uncomfortable if I found out my son had done something like this. What people think in the privacy of their own minds is one thing. But to film you? I'm sorry. I strongly disagree that this is harming no one. As SG pointed out, that is a gross violation of privacy, and for me personally, it would also be a violation of trust. It would definitely put a strain on my relationship with my son and I would be uneasy in his presence, knowing that he thought about me in a sexual manner.

I don't think this is a situation that should be ignored and frankly, I think this is a conversation YOU should have with him. The violation of privacy, trust, and respect should be key talking points. As should the topic of consent. All of which are key components to a healthy relationship, whatever manner it takes. Yes, it will likely be awkward, and he probably will be embarrassed. But IMO, he should be.

ETA: In re-reading SG's post, she brings up two very good points. 1) How do you know if that's the only vid, and 2) what if things escalate?

If it were me, I'd explain to my son that by violating my privacy, he's lost the right to expectation of privacy WRT to his electronics. I, personally, would have them wiped to make sure there wasn't anything else. Beyond the potential damage to personal relationships, I think I'd also have a conversation about what kinds of legal charges can be brought against Peeping Toms.

I know there are some who'll likely think I'm being a hard ass about this, but these kinds of activities are NOT to be taken lightly. You sure as hell don't want him thinking it's ok to film people without their knowledge or consent.

 

[dutchrain]

I am with Balladora on this one.

 

[twister947]

I am with Balladora on this one.

Ditto. This is a pattern of behaviour that MUST stop...it is sex offender territory.

 

[Harold_Hill]

Let me start out by saying I know it's a big fetish here, but I have NO interest in a incestuous relationship.

The other day I was cleaning up my son's room, and his laptop screen was on. There was a folder left open with a video file that said "mom." I open it up to see it's a video of me getting into the shower. We also have a clear door instead of a curtain, so at one point in the video you can see me pleasuring myself.

This is very weird to me, and I'm not sure how to approach this. Should I bring it up or should I ignore it. I can't imagine how difficult that conversation will be and how embarrassed he will be to have it. I think I'm leaning towards ignore because it's not harming anyone, and I think it's something an 18 year old boy will get over.

I think the first thing you need to do is try to figure out how he got the video in the first place. If you carelessly left the bathroom door ajar, you may have given him the opportunity to make the video. Carelessly leaving a door open can send the wrong signal to an 18 year old man. At 18, his isn't a boy, sexually, he is a man. If this is the case, then you probably can ignore it and the problem will likely go away; *HOWEVER*, (and this is a big however), if he intentionally hid a camera in the bathroom to record you taking a shower, you have a serious problem.

He didn't accidentally leave his laptop open with a folder titled *MOM* on the desktop. He's 18, he's not that careless, nor is he that stupid. He left it open for you to find! And you know it! If you feel he intentionally made the video and left it for you to find, then you don't have a choice. You have to confront him, and you have to do it in the most stern way. If you don't nip this in the bud, it will only escalate. You must confront him and make him feel bad about what he has done. Then he must apologize to you, and you must forgive him. Then both of you must put this in the past and move ahead with life as mother and son.

You are a parent, start acting like one. You are his mother, not his lover, and you can never let him confuse the two roles. With that said, it is normal for a teenager to see his mother as sexual, but as a parent, you still have to set the limits. You can't blame him for being a normal teenager, but you still have to set the boundaries. Sometimes being a parent isn't easy, and sometimes it just sucks, but for the emotional and sexual health of you son, you have to set him straight. Read some of the posts here on LIt, (especially the incest thread in Fetish and Sexual Central), men don't just get over it.

And next time you pleasure yourself, do it in a more secure place! He's not the only one at fault here.

 

[bailadora]

And next time you pleasure yourself, do it in a more secure place! He's not the only one at fault here.

I agree with most of what you said Harold but this, I believe, is a little harsh. We don't know if the bathroom door was closed or not. If the door was deliberately left open, that's one thing. Closed or unintentionally left slightly ajar is altogether different.

If it was slightly ajar and he accidentally caught a glimpse, well that's not exactly his fault. But he then should have demonstrated the integrity to close the door all the way, and restore her privacy. If the door was already closed, then her expectation of privacy is entirely reasonable. In either case, there is NO excuse for filming her.

 

[Harold_Hill]

I agree with most of what you said Harold but this, I believe, is a little harsh. We don't know if the bathroom door was closed or not. If the door was deliberately left open, that's one thing. Closed or unintentionally left slightly ajar is altogether different.

If it was slightly ajar and he accidentally caught a glimpse, well that's not exactly his fault. But he then should have demonstrated the integrity to close the door all the way, and restore her privacy. If the door was already closed, then her expectation of privacy is entirely reasonable. In either case, there is NO excuse for filming her.

It is harsh, and in this case, I think justified. We discipline our children in different ways, depending on their age and what they have done. If her son was 12 years old and made a video of his mother taking a shower, I think a talking to would have been justified, explaining what is and is not appropriate. But this is an 18 year old , sexually mature male, who presumably knows better. In my opinion, her son didn't leave his laptop open by mistake; rather, he was testing the waters to see how his mother would react. And being the case, (again in my opinion), he needs to be corrected in a manner that will make him remember to never make this mistake again.

And as to my harshness toward Townieamy, again I think it is justified. We send signals to our children in ways we don't even think about. Something must of made her son think his mother would be interested in having sex with someone other than her husband, and particularly that she would want to have sex with a younger man. And if you read her posting history, she does think about sex with younger men. I'm sure she is a very good mother, but maybe she is letting her inner thoughts seep out when she is around her son, and perhaps he is misinterpreting this as a signal that she wants him. Unless he is a psychopath, I doubt he did this without some motivation, and all I am saying is that maybe while Townieamy is disciplining her son, maybe she should take a hard look at herself and how she acts at home. Her son didn't leave this video on his open laptop without something making him think his mother would be interested. She is an adult and has the right to do whatever she pleases, but when your fantasies are incompatible with your home life, you have to keep the two separated.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

townieamy -

First of all, he's 18. He should be cleaning his own room. Next, I don't know of a computer that doesn't go to sleep when inactive so it raises questions about what the privacy rules are in your home. Is privacy expected? Do you all close the door when you're in the bathroom? Do you dress in front of one another? In your home, how normal is naked?

The reason I ask is that, if naked is normal.. and people barge in on each other in the bathroom.. it might be time to change those boundaries. He's old enough to draw parallels between what he sees and how his body reacts. if naked is not the norm, it's a different discussion.

Either way, if you truly do feel violated, it is fair to tell him that you found his video. Ask him how he got it. Tell him what you expect his behavior to be and then ask him what his questions are. His first question might be about why you were looking in his stuff. That's perfect actually.. because you can remind him how it feels to have a violation of privacy. I don't think you should make this about sex. As far as I know, you're the only one in the scenario who has knowingly done anything sexual. He might just be curious about naked and you're the closest female. I do think that you should ask him to show you how he videotaped you. Ask him to explain why he still watches it. And then tell him that when he is ready to get a job and move out of your house, that he can continue his curiosity with a willing partner.. within the extent of the law.

And until then.. he should clean his own room and you should buy a lock for your door.

 

[NippleMuncher]

I once dated a woman with a 16 year old son. I was having sex with her one morning and looked up to see the son, hands clasped on the glass, watching us through the window. In the moment, I yelled at him to leave, she and I stopped, and that was pretty much the end of it. Words were said to the kid, but to my recollection, it was more that he was invading our privacy, not that what he did was wrong, because there was no malice behind it.

This is to say, we can all be judgmental, tell the OP that her son is a pervert that needs confronting, that what he did was wrong, scar the kid for life, and drive him into a world of secrecy, OR, we can all back the hell off and let the OP decide for herself if her son's actions are a problem or not. We do not know him or the situation.

Now, he has overstepped some boundaries here, he shouldn't have taken a vid, moreover, mom should have locked the door, if there is no lock, there should be! However, he's extremely curious, and I highly suspect that his intentions are innocent and have NOTHING to do with incest, being caught, or trying to incite romantic interest with his mother. A more likely scenario is that he's becoming sexually self aware and is looking for scintillating fodder.

Assuming that this was an act of innocence, then if the boy is confronted, it should be from a place of neutrality, noting that what he did was wrong, however, that his curiosity is normal and healthy. He's obviously ready for open and honest chats about sexuality, whether that is from mom or dad will depend on the maturity of the individual and their ability to be honest with their child.

If the child is a turd, the parents are uptight, and nobody can talk about sex openly, then yes, we have a sex offender in the making, and the entire family will need long term psychological assistance to get through this.

 

[Cumference]

Let me start out by saying I know it's a big fetish here, but I have NO interest in a incestuous relationship.

The other day I was cleaning up my son's room, and his laptop screen was on. There was a folder left open with a video file that said "mom." I open it up to see it's a video of me getting into the shower. We also have a clear door instead of a curtain, so at one point in the video you can see me pleasuring myself.

This is very weird to me, and I'm not sure how to approach this. Should I bring it up or should I ignore it. I can't imagine how difficult that conversation will be and how embarrassed he will be to have it. I think I'm leaning towards ignore because it's not harming anyone, and I think it's something an 18 year old boy will get over.

First part:
It sound like he has rigged up a camera to make the recording. A long recording is not made by "accident".
He has clearly been over the line regarding respect for your privacy.

It is wrong, you know about it and you can either accept it by not acting, or make it clear, that it is not acceptable.

Second part:
"Not harming anyone" is only until the moment he accidentally attaches the wrong file, lends his computer to a buddy or sends it in for repair.... then it could be all over the interwebs.



Apart from that, I totally agree with Muncher:
Whatever you do, be firm and friendly.
("Shaming" is a perfect recipe for a twisted mind)








Regarding who cleans his room, it is your decision.... my kids have done it since they were 10.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I don't think this is a situation that should be ignored and frankly, I think this is a conversation YOU should have with him. The violation of privacy, trust, and respect should be key talking points. As should the topic of consent. All of which are key components to a healthy relationship, whatever manner it takes. Yes, it will likely be awkward, and he probably will be embarrassed. But IMO, he should be.

Underlining this. As a parent, you (and your partner if applicable) have a responsibility to teach him how a civilised human being behaves, and videoing people in the shower ain't it.

Imagine if you said nothing, and then a year or so from now you heard that your son had been kicked out of college/work for videoing other women in the showers. Would you feel that you had done your duty by him and by those other women?

Also: if he's careless enough that you can find that video, other people can find it too. What happens if one of his buddies gets hold of it and then uploads it to the net for fun? Me, I would be sorely tempted to secure-erase the folder, if not the entire drive...

I can certainly see it being awkward to raise this, but he deserves that awkwardness, and in the long run it's better for all concerned.

 

[Eilan]

Team bailadora.

 

[subwannabe]

I think most here didn't get the part that he made a video of you "getting into the shower" and "pleasuring yourself through a clear shower door". This implies that he was not actually there doing the recording or you would have seen him. This means that he has set up a camera to do just that and that it was preplanned. Either way, this needs to be addressed. Hopefully it was just him going through adolescence and not the beginnings of growing up into a very sick individual who will one day make the news and ruin other people's lives. For all you know, he may have already shown the video to his friends.

 

[unregistered]

 

[bailadora]

And as to my harshness toward Townieamy, again I think it is justified. We send signals to our children in ways we don't even think about. Something must of made her son think his mother would be interested in having sex with someone other than her husband, and particularly that she would want to have sex with a younger man. And if you read her posting history, she does think about sex with younger men. I'm sure she is a very good mother, but maybe she is letting her inner thoughts seep out when she is around her son, and perhaps he is misinterpreting this as a signal that she wants him. Unless he is a psychopath, I doubt he did this without some motivation, and all I am saying is that maybe while Townieamy is disciplining her son, maybe she should take a hard look at herself and how she acts at home. Her son didn't leave this video on his open laptop without something making him think his mother would be interested. She is an adult and has the right to do whatever she pleases, but when your fantasies are incompatible with your home life, you have to keep the two separated.

No where did I disagree that the son should have known better, nor did I agree that this is an "accident" or that she shouldn't do anything about it.

But to your point of being harsh with Amy, the theory you formulated from what, five posts, is a pretty astonishing. I also checked her post history, and while she did talk about fantasizing about a younger man, she also talks about how she wouldn't be interested in others if her husband's sex drive matched her own. It's quite a common complaint among both men and women here, and her posts read more as frustration with her home life than actively trolling for outside sex.

That said, a lot of people (myself included) use Lit and/or other online haunts to indulge desires they either can't or aren't willing to fulfill in reality, and are perfectly capable of keeping fantasy separate from their every day life.

The son is 18, and like most kids today, he's likely to be rather tech savvy. If he's like most teens, it's a pretty sure bet he's gone looking for stuff on his own way before this. Perhaps this is a fetish he stumbled across all on his own.

Giggle brings up some good questions with regard to how free members of the family are around each other. If being that casual with boundaries is normal, then perhaps your argument regarding parental attitudes could be brought into play. But the point is, we don't have all the facts, and we don't know. And without Amy coming back to further elaborate, there is no way we'll *ever* know. All I'm saying is that without more information, it is, IMO, wild conjecture to suggest that she somehow brought this on herself based upon what she fantasizes about here.

Amy, if you're still reading or if you come back and you're wondering why in the hell people are checking your post history, it's a method some of us use to get a better feel for people with whom we aren't familiar. For me, at least, it helps to better tailor my responses.

In closing, I'll just say again that I don't think you should ignore this situation. Being curious is one thing, but your son has to understand that his actions are unacceptable, and that if he continues to pursue them, he could end up in serious legal trouble. I wish you luck, and if you're so inclined, please do let us know how it turns out.

 

[nfrrdscnnr1]

simple

Ignore.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Underlining this. As a parent, you (and your partner if applicable) have a responsibility to teach him how a civilised human being behaves, and videoing people in the shower ain't it.

Imagine if you said nothing, and then a year or so from now you heard that your son had been kicked out of college/work for videoing other women in the showers. Would you feel that you had done your duty by him and by those other women?

Also: if he's careless enough that you can find that video, other people can find it too. What happens if one of his buddies gets hold of it and then uploads it to the net for fun? Me, I would be sorely tempted to secure-erase the folder, if not the entire drive...

I can certainly see it being awkward to raise this, but he deserves that awkwardness, and in the long run it's better for all concerned.

I think the bolded part is very important to consider.

I would also add that "in the privacy of your own home" is about being able to trust the people in it. Otherwise it's just a house.

 

[townieamy]

Just wow people. After reading this I've completely come to bailadora's point-of-view. She certainly made herself and her views a lot more approachable by not suggesting that I somehow invited my son to film me (there was no open door by the way which is why I concluded hidden camera in the original post). And she also didn't equate wanting to have sex with a younger man to having sex with my son. Seriously? In what world is that a reasonable leap?

I may post a follow-up to this, but it I'm really bewildered at the attitude that I MUST have invited this to happen. And that I somehow played a part in this for masturbating in the privacy of my shower.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

actually, I think this was a discussion relatively free of prejudice. However you decide to handle it from here is still in your control, but you asked for opinions. I don't think anyone here intended to make you feel as if your actions were deliberately designed to be harmful. Even HHill discussed the unintentional consequences of actions about which we may not be aware. I would parallel this to something like.. when divorced parents talk poorly of one another in front of their children. It may not be with the intention of direct influence, but it exists nonetheless.

You'll often find a wide variety of advice on the How-To board. That is part of the richness of it. It's like any other advice. Take what works for your family and leave the rest.
Best of luck to you in this difficult situation.

 

[Eilan]

I may post a follow-up to this, but it I'm really bewildered at the attitude that I MUST have invited this to happen. And that I somehow played a part in this for masturbating in the privacy of my shower.

I'm somewhat bewildered by some of the comments in this thread as well, but I expect no less from some people here.

I hope that you were able to get some good advice from this thread, and I wish you the best of luck in dealing with this situation.

 

[townieamy]

actually, I think this was a discussion relatively free of prejudice.

I was reprimanded for pleasuring myself in a shower here:

And next time you pleasure yourself, do it in a more secure place! He's not the only one at fault here.

And yes, I close the doors. The reason he was able to see me going *into* the shower is because he has a hidden camera (I'm assuming). But somehow the simplest explanation is I led him on.

 

[Sugartitties]

I was reprimanded for pleasuring myself in a shower here:



And yes, I close the doors. The reason he was able to see me going *into* the shower is because he has a hidden camera (I'm assuming). But somehow the simplest explanation is I led him on.

I agree that asinine assumptions were made here. Your own bathroom in your own home is about as private as one can expect to be. To assume that you left the door ajar is the same mentality that people have when saying a woman deserved to be raped because her skirt was too short.

He violated your privacy in a major way, in a way that is actually criminal, truth be told. It needs to be addressed in a not so gentle manner and he needs to know what he did was wrong on several levels. He's a big boy and should be treated as such.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I agree that asinine assumptions were made here. Your own bathroom in your own home is about as private as one can expect to be. To assume that you left the door ajar is the same mentality that people have when saying a woman deserved to be raped because her skirt was too short.

He violated your privacy in a major way, in a way that is actually criminal, truth be told. It needs to be addressed in a not so gentle manner and he needs to know what he did was wrong on several levels. He's a big boy and should be treated as such.

+1. I also thought (and should've said) that HH's response was victim-blame-y and inappropriate.